The End .. of a Quest

I have decided to close this quest I have had to understand and apply rules of love by learning other's ways and opinions of such. I have decided to put it away and leave it for another time .. if ever. The other day when I was speaking to blue and Falon about it .. T'zuri got upset. Misunderstood. Got shoved out of peace by the content of the conversation. Today it was Falon. I do not know what or why .. I just know it is not the intention of my quest for these pieces to hurt or upset anyone at all. And that is what I seem to be doing. Starting arguments .. not discussions. And so it is time to cinch this one up and put it away.

For me the subject as well as the reality of love causes more headaches and heartaches than comfort. And I am not a masochist. I am not out to be miserable. I am not out to cause anyone else to be miserable. I will not pursue this further.

I have enough to concentrate on. My bosk .. the new kaiila foals .. the new sleen pups ... and that was just my personal life .. I had much to do as Ubar.

I was told that Silken felt the responsibility to force treatment on Polunu and at his refusal to be forced .. she enlisted the help of Saresh to hold him down. Kam assured me that he was going to take care of it .. both Silken and Saresh but I wanted to make sure that Silken knew my policy on such things.

I spoke to Silken about not forcing treatment on anyone. She did not agree with me at all and the only reason she gave me her word that she would no longer practice that way .. was because she had to. I did not want it to be like that. I did not want to put my word down without understanding. It is not my way .. but it will have to be that way because I have no choice.

Her punishment will be left to Saresh and Polunu .. and Saresh's punishment left to Kam. I will only step in if there is nothing done.

This is not a society where women have the same rights as men. Fair or not .. that is the way it is. A man has rights .. in this Tribe ... rights to his own body and his own pain and his own ideas of that.

I had the two bosk delivered to Zarina that she won in the wager with me over Kai and T'zuri's friendly little spar. It was a nice break to the monotony of the same sexual innuendos thrown around the fires and a good time was had by all .. though I imagine the two of them will be feeling the effects for a few days. And I do not expect that I will get caught in the middle of their little teasing spats any time in the near future again either.

Grin.

Ruffled

I talked with Cana down by the stream this evening. Seems she had a run in with Kaz the Singer when he came up to the First Fires to see T'zuri .. or run over her .. something like that.

Cana was obviously upset. She reminds me of a mother vulo all ruffled up and protective. I think she expected me to tell her she was over reacting. I did not. For some reason I think she expected me to defend Kaz. I did not.

I listened .. because I like Cana and I care about why she was upset. Did I think any small children were endangered by Kaz and his kaiila? No. The First Fires is not a day care for children. Our children grow up with the knowledge of kaiila and bosk and sleen from the time their eyes first open to the Sky. Our riders and warriors grow up with the knowledge of their beasts from the time they are old enough to sit a saddle. We live with carnivores and death on a daily basis .. we are not dwellers who coddle their children from every imaginable danger.

I know my words to her probably did not fall on welcome ground. I know she was angry as a mother and she had her pride hurt in the process. I told her she did not do anything wrong .. I told her to throw a good size metal pot at his head next time. I told her I piss off women around the fires all the time ... especially when they are cooking and if I had to count the times I had been chased off with a staff or a pot while being called a rowdy thoughtless bastard ... I would be a long time at it.

I am pleased that Cana is protective .. I am pleased she is female. I like her that way. I am not .. most men I know are not. We need the other side to throw pots at us and tell us to knock our shit off. But I did not like seeing her so out of peace with it. So upset. I wish I had the words to ease that .. I wish I knew how to talk to her like another woman to connect somehow on a level of understanding that I do not have. Whether successful or not I tried because I want her to know that she matters. Her worry and care is appreciated. Tug is fortunate to have someone fighting for him. I never had such .. I wish I had. It does not mean I will yell at Kaz for jumping his kaiila over the fire or even running T'zuri down. Since Cana was not worried about T'zuri at all I figure she must be all right and as for the kaiila .. I have done it and a lot worse. And the next time I do I figure I will get a pot thrown at my head as usual and I will smile because ... I would miss it if women stopped being female .. stopped being who they are ... even as I am dodging a split skull.

Like Ducks in a Row ... But Not

It is the moons again. All three of them ... huge full and bright in the Sky. I know they pull against us. I know they effect us in ways we do not understand. I do not know if it is because they are near and we hear their whispering or if they are far and without their whispering we lose a little bit of our humanity. Either way I know that when they are full like this people act differently. They act ... worse. They say things and do things they normally would not.

For a hand now I feel like I have been dealing with one thing after another. Most of it is not that important .. just unrest or people shoved out of peace about something a good listening ear can take the edge off. Some of it is bigger. Disfavor with me and how I do things. I am not here to do things as they have done them in the past. I am here to do things as Fonce. I am Tuchuk .. but I am Fonce. I am not the Ubars of the past. I am not the men that came before me .. nor will the men who come after me be ... me. My name is mine because I am an individual and I nearly gave my life to earn my name and I will be damn proud of it for the rest of the time I have beneath the Sky. And with that pride comes the knowledge that I am .. an individual. And I am not here to be anyone but who I am ... to be the best me possible.

If there are those that believe I am not what this Tribe needs .. I have spoken before I will step down. Quickly. As easily as the position was placed on my shoulders I will shed the cloak should I get word or even the implication that I am not the best thing available for this Tribe. I am not here to change people .. I am here to guide them. To keep them alive. I am not here to entertain or give them a reason to be here ... I am here to guide their own quest for their own lives and to make sure they survive to the best of my ability this thing called Tuchuk life. I am not here to guide as they have been in the past. I am not here to do as other men have done but to do as I do. Just because there have been ways .. or things done before ... does not mean that I will make the same decision. And should that become a problem I will solve that problem without a look back. I have given up a lot to shoulder this responsibility. If that is no longer appreciated there is no reason for me to continue to sacrifice for people who are no longer appreciative of it. Only as long as I fit what is needed as Ubar will I continue.

I am tired of people threatening to leave if I do not do what they think is right. Leave? Leave where? When did being Tuchuk become so conditional? I was still Tuchuk when I did not like what Trajen did .. or what Bo did. I did not threaten to become nonTuchuk just to try to manipulate them into doing what I wanted or thought right.

I am tired of being threatened with .. if I do not do what someone thinks is right then all the bad rumors about me must be true. If the bad rumors are that I do what I think is right no matter what? Might as well come to grips with that now.

If however this is the unrest caused by the moons I will understand. Things will move on. I will continue to ease what I can by listening and guiding as needed. But after this hand I am tired ... very tired. I want .. here I must chuckle because I am too tired to even think what it is that I do want. I just ... want. Perhaps sleep. Perhaps a few moments where everyone is ... all right. Perhaps I want someone to tell me .. hey Fonce good job. Perhaps I am lonely for my life .. just a piece of it where people are not so interested in what I do and why but .. just let me live like I am a normal guy with normal desires and wants from this life. Well .. I suppose I will never be normal so I mean normal for me. Am I alone in this? Were these frustrations felt by all the Ubars before me? I wish they were around to ask.

I think today the cloak of responsibility is very heavy. I think today I wish there was someone to share that with. But I suppose the lack of that comes with the territory. Tomorrow it will be better ... it always is.

Wind of Change

"Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with."
-Twain

I have not been very easy on bell. I did not have the motivation to be. I have not been cruel. But I have not been nice either. Why should I be? I am not a nice guy .. so why would I suddenly become one for a slave? Especially a slave who had the guts to come to me and expect me to believe for a moment that she had missed me. Not after the words she had given me.

Today started out no different. I had stated that both blue and bell acted as if they were moving on pins and needles .. nervous. Bell answered me first and I once again asked her the same questions I have asked since this whole thing started. The difference was that this time she actually had answers. Answers I could accept. Answers that logically fit the questions and showed a natural progression of understanding that she had gone through. Answers that made sense to me. That was different. That was new.

I can see bell changing .. growing. Today she was capable of communication. communication that was not emotionally based. Good answers to my demands for explanation to the ideas she wanted me to comprehend. I can not jump from point B to point F without the understanding of the steps between. The steps that brought her from point B to point F. She can not walk away from me one day and simply return and say she figured it all out .. and not have me question what exactly she figured out.

I have no idea where bell and I will go in the future. If anywhere at all. Bell has new responsibilities to Cana and the Kaiila Clan. To a boy she is destined to protect in her way. There are many things bell and I do not agree on .. things that may or may not be important. But one good thing came out of that talk we had by the stream. I will allow her near. I hold no anger towards her. I will allow her to speak to me without the digging in her brain for her maggot. Will she get passed the apathy that she inspired with me? I can not say. But at least she toed up to the line and gave answers to questions that I needed before I would tolerate her in my presence. I have let it go .. removed my grip from it.

As always the wind of change has shaped and molded and what final piece will be offered to the Sky is once more out of my hands and left to the future.

Love me ... Love me Not

I had no idea what Falon wanted to speak to me of .. I strode down the edge of the stream until we were away from the others and then I waited to hear. She seemed to struggle for a moment with what she wished to say ... and then asked me if I had any romantic feelings towards her or if we were going to always remain friends.

The question surprised me .. I asked her if she wanted me to decide right now. She said she wanted to know if I was interested in pursuing such a thing with her and if not she wanted to know strait up right now. But no .. she said I did not need to decide .. right now.

At this point I was not only surprised but confused. I told her so and she attempted to clear it up for me. She told me that she had shared her heart with me .. that she loved me. And she would not offer me empty words.

Now .. I knew this. I had listened to her and it had honestly never occurred to me she would offer me untruths or words she did not mean .. I also told her that I was now aware of the definition she gave love. Which was a little different from my own .. but still valid in my opinion. She asked me if I saw the possibility that I may feel the same about her in the future.

I asked her .. if it mattered. I wanted to know if her love was based on possibilities. If she needed an answer so she could change her love to a more productive avenue.

She said .. yes it did matter actually. It would matter if I had no interest in pursuing a relationship on a romantic level. So I asked her if this was so then would she no longer love me .. in my attempt to further learn of Falon's rules and definitions of love.

She said that no .. it did not mean that but in time the love would not be as strong as the love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and have a family with.

So I asked her if love could then change like that. She said love had levels. Like the different loves she felt for family .. friends ... and the love she had for a man she wished to share body heart and spirit with. I said .. so you have that kind of love you want to share with a man for me .. and you need to know if it is going to be returned so you can change it to fit someone else. Made sense to me. She said she did not know the future .. or what it held or if it could be changed to fit someone else. That made even more sense to me even if I .. as yet ... could not fit both of her answers into the same thought. I took that struggle and turned it into a question ... and I asked her why she was expecting me to foretell the future right now if she herself could not.

She said no .. but she wanted to know if I wanted to kiss her .. find out about her heart .. explore her. I said yes. Of course. But ... I wanted to do that with a lot of different women. I could not say that there was one that had taken my focus. I was afraid I could not answer her question in a way that would work for her. She asked me .. if I wanted to get to know her ... why I did not kiss her.

Well ...

You know .. I am logical. I really am .. detrimentally so sometimes ... but there are actually things I do not want to dissect and examine and put words to for someone. This was .. one of them. To kiss or not to kiss .. and why? Fuck ... like I know? Sometimes I just do and sometimes I just do not.

But .. I did try to explain it for her ... she seemed to want to know the answer .. need the answer for her own peace of mind. I told her that I had backed off from her .. as we had spoken of many times before this. But that in truth I did not choose a woman ... then go about getting to know her and kiss her and pursue her and then decide if this was the woman I wanted to mate or not. The things I had come to ponder when I thought of mating were not these things but ... how she lived. How she thought .. how she acted ... how she treated others ... and me. Whether or not she could be my friend in ways that would stand the tests of time and trouble. For I had no faith in love to see me through these any more.

She asked me then if she had failed in these things. We started to rehash the family subject. She seemed to think that I wanted her to not like her family or be angry with them. Which is very far from the truth. She seemed to think that standing up to Chay about her behavior and standing up to Tarra about blue were examples that helped me in my own struggle with how to relate to her on this subject. Which again is not what I needed. I have seen Falon hold her ground with her family .. I have seen her act as an individual. What I had never seen was Falon hold her ground for me with her family. I had yet to experience her capable of dealing with my own venting if and when it was about her family. And to be honest those things were not the epitome of my needs .. it was just a thing that kept being brought up and I was still attempting to help her understand and not misunderstand me.

I have no idea what I did not switch her gears but she started looking me over like I was a piece of meat .. now that does not threaten me but I will not suffer much of it before I take the challenge. I warned her that yes I did think of her as a friend but I can take the jump from friend to sex without a lot of thought in between. She said she wanted a man who thought of her in terms other than sexual gratification. Big surprise. I told her most women do. That did not mean I was not going to do what I said I would do if she continued.

It was a good idea to head back to the main fires about then.

I do not know if I answered her original question in a way she needed me to. I do not know if I gave her any kind of help at all. To me it felt like all the other conversations we have had .. but she seemed all right afterwards. Perhaps she just needed to hear me say it all again. That seems to be a female trait.

Women.

Happy in Red Major

Silken has been acting very different lately. Of course that happens so often the statement begins to be redundant .. even as contradictory as that may appear on the surface content of the statement itself. She is .. happy. Now I have yet to figure out if it is a real kind of happy or if she is not happy and just pretending to be happy in a very big way to fool people into thinking she is actually happy. Silken always does things in a really big way ... so it is hard to tell. I like Silken happy .. she is a prankster and an Elder .. even if she does not act like it all the time. I would prefer she did not .. Elders tend to be dour and sour and prose on and on about the right ways to act and the niceties we usually as Tuchuk attempt to avoid until we get so old that we ... do not. Silken has been up and down the wagon rows a few times and it shows .. she is a little harder .. a little more vulgar than most women but not in a way that I would say crosses the line too far. Or I would have done something about it. But I will say .. have said ... that she does dance on it. The line that is.

She tackled me when I came down to the stream and I was not expecting that. Ever. People rarely invade my personal space and when they do they are pretty damn well careful about how they do it. I have to say usually because today .. there was nothing careful about her impact. I laughed and caught her. Falon asked to speak to me and Silken threatened to ost me. She asked me if I knew what that meant and I told her I threaten to ost women all the time .. however ... I had an inkling that we were not threatening the same thing. So she showed me .. sliding down my leg to wrap herself around it anchoring me to there. I had to laugh. There is a sexual tension between Silken and I .. well on my part even if not on hers. I do not cross that line because to dance with the line will leave me with no resolve to protect the line. I have actually told her this .. though I have no idea if she took me seriously. I grabbed a good handful of her hair and drug her up to bite her ear and tell her I was going to go talk to Falon.

Damn woman.

Thank You

"Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none."
-Shakespeare

For a moment I have come to think on life and the value of such. For a moment I have stopped the monumental task of fixing and providing that consumes my daily awareness. For a few moments I have laid aside the words of others who question my integrity so easily .. without thought .. and with this I also laid aside the lance of truth that I meet each instance in the belief that if at least one person lets others know how damaging their thoughtless words can be ... that perhaps next time they will think before they speak to others.

I ask myself every day if it is worth it. Worth being strait with people. They rarely appreciate it .. usually get defensive and tell me all I see is the negative about them. Once more they focus on a very small piece of the picture and miss the very real panoramic view of what kind of energy and caring and positive outlook that it takes to care enough to even shed some light on what it is that they are doing that strains the relationship. How easy it would be to ignore them .. knowing they do not mean to question my identity and just letting it slide. It is not motive that I question .. I question technique. I question the lazy attitude that allows people to say whatever they want as long as their motive is provably pure. That ... supposedly gives them this "get out of jail" free card.

But not with me.

So I am at risk for people believing that all I see is the negative .. all I think about are the rules.

Today I set that aside. The questions ... the introspection. The high measure of what I hold myself up to.

I set aside the drive for what is right. The quest for what is real. The need to be as good a person as I can to those around me. The desire to never allow a moment of weakness to hurt another whether or not I am successful at every turn. And I also set aside the protectiveness that I have for me. That which does not allow others to have too much power to destroy for they surely will in their naivety. I put away my own selfish desire to survive.

Like a slow dissolving of a salt block .. or a puzzle box gently and methodically taken apart I set each burden .. each motive ... each rule and each concern aside. I put down every lie and every truth. I put down every experience .. both good and bad. I set aside every other person who meant something to me either in a positive way or a negative way. I stripped my identity from my bones until there was nothing left but the stark white of my skeletal structure.

And there with ocular holes open to the Sky I questioned why I leave myself alive. Why I am here ... why I subject myself to the pain and ecstasy of life. There were no voices to tell me they needed me. There was no guilt .. no expectations of what I do that negated my leaving this mortal coil of existence. It was just me. Without my drives without my wants without my desires or quests .. just me.

And I could not find a reason for me to be. I could find no cause to breathe life into my existence here. I searched .. but I could not find one. Nothing left to breed motive. I raged with this feeling for a moment .. how could this be that I am nothing and no one without my burdens? Without my pain? without my happiness? Can this really be all there is? I wept for all I had lost .. all that I could no longer believe in that lay scattered upon the grass around me like lifeless idols.

And then ... there was silence. And in the silence I came to the realization that though I was no longer made up of all these things .. I was still here.

It started with a single drop of water. An entire universe held within a single tiny drop of life giving moisture. Breathless beauty in simplicity that held more complicated life than I could ever aspire to contain. Slowly .. as I fell inward in that thought it expanded building cell upon cell .. tendon and sinew upon bone and flesh upon flesh .. skin ... organs .. eyes. It was all so simple. All so profound.

I was not made up of the things I had laid aside. I had a reason to be despite them or with them. And I stooped to pick up each one in turn by choice ... and not by conviction for I had not donned that cloak yet.

In truth I picked up everyone I had carried before. Not one was left behind. Not one burden .. not one problem ... not one ounce of pressure. No desire .. no want .. no quest ... no conviction ... no righteous war against that which need not be was given away. And I realized that I was no stronger for the realization. I was the same man I was before. I carried the same weight with the same conviction. But what I did have was the knowledge that I was not made up of all these things ... and each one was a choice .. not a need. And that given the chance I would choose them all as I had in the beginning.

No regrets.

Thank you.

Shadow

As I was talking to Polunu one of the men came to me and told me that Arigh was highly distraught and had requested me to find her at the stream.

Well ... line them up.

I excused myself from Polunu having finished our conversation and strolled on down to the stream to see what female feathers were ruffled in this instance. I had a pretty good idea all ready .. and had my suspicions confirmed with her first few words to me.

She asked me if she had seemed ungrateful for the things I had done for her. I scratched my jaw with the end of my flute and stared at her a moment before answering ... no? She asked me to confirm that .. I told her surely this was not going to be a conversation about whether or not I was liar.

She told me she really did appreciate everything that I had done for her and that no to her knowledge I had never lied to her. That Saresh had said in front of everyone that she was ungrateful and she did not want me to feel that way. My response was .. that if she did not wish me to feel that way then I probably would not. Logical enough.

She said she would probably tell me a thousand more times ... I asked her if that was why she had asked for me to come down here. She asked me then if she could see Yin's pups. I told her no .. not right now ... that I had been engaged in a conversation when I was told I needed to come find her.

She apologized to me. I asked her why ... she said for interrupting me. I told her I did not mind the interruption if it was important ... but I was still unsure what "it" was.

She said she was unaware Saresh felt the way he had and if he did feel that way she wanted to make sure I did not. I said .. well I do not. She asked me if she did something wrong if I would please tell her. Give her a chance to correct it. I told her I was very comfortable and could safely say that ... indeed I would.

She apologized again for interrupting me. I told her I answered for that one all ready. She said ... she was still unsure whether or not it was important. I told her I had no idea .. but I sure hoped it was. She said it was to her. Which was .. the point actually.

She said Saresh had promised her he would never do the very thing he did. And she still didn't understand why he did it. So she wanted to make sure the same mistake did not happen with me.

I reminded her I was not Saresh. I asked her to attempt to remember that. I told her that I would not suffer being treated in his shadow for long. She said I did not deserve that ... I agreed. I told her I hoped this was the last time. She assured me it would be.

Now I am not logically unaware that women sometimes fight shadows long after they are free of them. Little things said or done that haunt them for years after and are seen in the face of every man like a disease ... whether or not that man has even begun to appear with the symptoms. I know that women will live in fear for a long time of what has happened to them in the past .. and so I do suffer to be treated badly for a short time until it is very clear that I am who I am .. and I am not this person in their past. For surely I have enough flaws and sins of my own for them to worry of .. they need not heap someone else's upon my head. But the time for Arigh to come to the understanding that I am not Saresh was that night. I will not suffer such again. I will not live in another man's shadow nor pay for his deeds ... whether or not they were justified. That part of the equation I have no vested interest in. What I do care about and hold sacred is who I am .. and what I do with my own relationships.

I hope she was paying attention.

Bruised Petals

I had come to the fires to rest but Sakmeta was upset and asked to speak to me privately. I granted it .. since Polunu has taken over her guardianship he has handled nearly everything so I figured this must be important.

It twisted my brain a little to have her tell me that it would be very good if Polunu was no longer her guardian. That to be near him hurt her. I was a bit frustrated with her.

Was it because I was having to deal with all these instances where people had just given up and expected me to put it right? I do not believe so .. though yes there was a thread of that running through my frustration. But I do not believe it was all of it for as I told her ... if Polunu comes to me and no longer wishes to be your guardian it is a thing I must respect. Forcing two people to be responsible to each other is never a good thing. Polunu is not Sakmeta's blood. He took on her guardianship as a favor to her. If she was no longer appreciative of his time and energy ... and if he were thusly inspired to negate that time and energy .. I would certainly not stop either one of them from achieving what they felt they needed.

Of course .. that left Sakmeta with the very real and obvious alternative.

Me.

And I was responsible in letting her know exactly what that meant. No I was not threatening her so she would be motivated to make things right with Polunu ... I was being honest with her and giving her the chance to make things right with Polunu.

If she thought her little pink petals were bruised now ... let her try her tactics with me. I laid it out plain and clear for her with no soft edges. She should know exactly what she was getting into. We will see how well she takes my advice.

I was still on edge when Polunu came to speak to me. I warned him of the direction she was taking. He said he did not come to ask for the guardianship to be dissolved but for some advice ... and of course I gave it to him. Though I do not know if it was that helpful. I like Polunu. I have a lot of respect for his patience with people. Polunu and I are not alike and we do things much differently. For the girl's sake Polunu decided to give it another shot.

I hope Sakmeta realizes how lucky she really is.

Broken Rules

With all the talk of rules and love it is ironic that Shi came to me to request his mating to Silken be dissolved. And not ironic in a good way. Now Silken had stated that there would be some changes when we reached the Northern Grazing grounds ... I do not know if this is what she meant.

Tuchuk do not mate for a year as they do in the cities. We tend to choose a life partner. But there are times and circumstance where it becomes necessary to break apart two people and allow them to continue on in different directions for the sake of all concerned. Shi and Tarra were another example of this.

The reasons Shi gave me .. and yes I asked for them ... I would not repeat because they are his business .. though in this case I do not believe them simply because I have never heard of such a thing in my entire existence .. but I will respect the fact that this union has come to an impasse.

Another perfect example of the rules gone all wrong. Chaos. There has to be rules to govern the chaos. It takes more than physical attraction and respect for that person to get someone through this. I say once more and I am even more convinced of it than I was before ... there are rules. And breaking the rules leads to disaster. So to avoid the disaster ... learn the rules first. Know them inside and out .. their whys as well as their whats. Decide that this person is the one you wish to keep the rules with and success is not guaranteed but it sure has better odds at that point.

So with renewed vigor I have once more set upon the task of learning the rules. And if I have to I will learn them through other's mistakes as well as their successes.

Respect..It's Not Just Lip Service

I was walking by Kam's wagons when Chay snagged my attention with a request for a few moments of my time .. if I were not busy. I told her this was an easy request to grant even if I had been busy .. which I was not. She said that was a good thing to know. I am not sure why she did not know this about me ... but I am relieved she now understands it.

She said she wished to apologize to me. I asked her why.

She said because her actions not only dishonored her mate and herself but me as well for it reflected on me as a leader.

I was impressed. I told her I accepted her apology. And that I was thankful that she answered my question of why for it let me know she understood what she was apologizing for. That made it more real to me .. easier to value.

She told me I am often alone .. and asked me why. I thought she meant mate wise and so I asked her if that is what she meant? She said no .. that she hoped I took my time with that one ... I heartily agreed. Then since I had misunderstood her I asked her to focus her question a little more so I could understand it. She said I was not often around family or friends. I told her that I had no family .. and the Tribe was my friends. She asked if I ever wondered what it would have been like to have a family.

That was a very hard question for me to face .. not because I have never thought of it .. but because I think of it all the time. There is always a "what if" haunting me when it comes to my understandings of family and thus even friendship and love.

Because I had at first misunderstood her question to be about Kam's family she said that ... I knew them and that they cared for me deeply. I told her that I knew of Kam's family .. but I did not know them. She asked me what the difference was. I said I did not know Kam's family on a lot of personal levels .. levels like I would know my own family. She asked me if I wanted to. I said .. they are not my family and so there are rules that go along with getting to know them. She did not understand this .. so I gave her some examples.

Mated women .. such as herself and Tarra come with certain rules. Certain expectations for my behavior in regards to them. Falon .. an unmated woman comes with different rules. The men .. with rules and constraints built around time and energy. So getting to know people is a slow process when they are not someone you grow up with .. learning from the inside out.

She said getting to know her was easy .. ask and receive. She said she did not see any problem getting to know her family as if they were indeed blood. I told her I am careful with my time and attention and how I go about things because I am not a mated man and my actions and attentions are often called into question for the most trivial of reasons. I would not overstep on another man's property.

She understood according to the rumors she had heard of the Singer and I ... I hope she meant T'zuri. She also wanted to be clear she did not believe that a mate was property. Now there I disagree though I did not tell her so .. that would have started an argument. One I did not intend to start and so I let it go.

She said she wanted to understand my rules so she did not break them. I told her they were my rules .. not for her. They had to do with my conduct and how I judged myself .. not how I would judge others. She said sometimes she feels like an outsider here ... I told her I did not think of her that way. It is true .. I do not ... and she appreciated that.

Now I then asked her a very personal question. One I will not repeat here ... but I bring it up because in the midst of her answer she said something very interesting to me. She said that she was concerned that T'zuri would hurt me. This shocked me. Why would she care? And .. caring ... why would she then come to that conclusion?

She said she hoped I did not spend so much time with a novelty that I forgot to get to know others around me. I told her .. that T'zuri was not a novelty to me ... but neither have I neglected others in my like and desire to know T'zuri. In fact .. I spent a hell of a lot more time with others than I did her. Circumstance dictated so.

She asked me if I loved T'zuri. I replied that no I did not .. I did not know her well enough yet.

Besides ... I was still angry with T'zuri. But not angry enough yet that I would avoid speaking with her. I was just enough angry that I wanted to speak to her .. and give her a piece of my mind. But that was going to wait until she figured out what had her leather drawers in a twist.

Chay and I spoke a little more about respect .. about how it is given and when. We differ on opinions there but not in a way that I can not understand or accept. Chay went a long way in earning my respect today .. not by agreeing with me or telling me what I wanted to hear ... there was no lip service .. she earned it by being honest with me and not afraid to admit when she was wrong.

Something Somebody Stole

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what it is I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

-Billy Joel

Love Me ... Tender-er?

No one gets it. No one realizes what kind of preparations I had to go through to even be able to discuss this subject. Some of their words are like razor blades to me. Each bite taken slices just a little bit more in a new spot. Each extraction merely a breath to rearrange the blade before another clenching of mandible is achieved. The maw slowly filling with ichor scented liquid that multiplies to choke .. and I must wonder ... if there will be a retching to save the drowning man or it is indeed the beginning of an end.

But to what end? Understanding? A connection with what others believe so that I might .. one day ... be able to stand as one? I hold firmly .. staunchly even ... to my beliefs until there is one I can logically understand that may not change my law but fulfill it and make it anew. If this can be achieved then I must say ... it is worth it. But could they not be just a little bit more tender? A little bit kinder with their love?

Perhaps T'zuri actually does understand ... a little. For her words to me later spoke of trying to save me .. protect me. But will she leave me here in this darkness alone? Is that then love? To preserve to the point of losing? Sacrifice for the sake of comfort? This is my choice. And if I gain understanding not for her .. it will be for another. It is my quest and it is my desire and it is my destiny. And I will not lay aside my will for anyone. Not even her. Not even to save her from her discomfort. Not even to save her from my discomfort. This is who I am. This is what I am. She better get used to it now.

Do I wish Falon to not answer me when I ask her what my flaws are? Yes. But I will ask again and again until she does answer me. For I need to understand what she offers me before I can make a logical decision on whether it is something I can accept .. or offer in return.

Do I want T'zuri to refrain from telling me when I am not good company? Yes. But I will ask her anyway until she is honest .. because that is who I am. It is not my desire to hurt her with this quest. If her words to me can not be seen under the bright and clear light of day .. than I can not consider them as valuable to me. If they do not stand the test of argument and scrutiny .. they will not be strong enough to hold against me.

I am no masochist. But there is satisfaction in the learning .. in the knowing ... that supercedes the pain of razor's edge. I really am .. all right. It really is .. my choice.

And the alternative is not acceptable.

Symposium

As Hesiod says:

First Chaos came, and then broad-bosomed Earth,
The everlasting seat of all that is,
And Love. In other words, after Chaos, the Earth and Love, these two, came into being.

-Plato

T'zuri: Not everything has to have rules.

Fonce: "Yes ... it does - for me anyway"

Falon: "Sometimes Fonce ... it just is and there is no perfect answer for it."

Fonce: "Oh there will be Falon .. or I will not accept it. My choice remember? Love is a choice."

Polunu: "Let me share my philosophy .. I mean, not that I know much about love mind you ... but that's what I call what I do, when I do it .. making sweet, sweet love. But I digress."

Fonce: "Yes Polunu .. share with us."

Falon: "I believe, that love is preserved for that special someone."

Polunu: "Rules just don't go with love .. can't see how they can." Spoke Polunu as he stood by the stream naked and shared with us all his words of wisdom. "Love .. from what I've been told ... is like a river. Feed it too much it swells and overtakes its banks ... feed it too little and it dries up. Feed it just enough and you will find that it flows tried and true. But you can rest assured that it will at some point change course ... you just have to be prepared when it does."

T'zuri: After assuring herself that Polunu was indeed still naked she spoke instead to the plains and that which was beyond. "You cannot overfeed love ... I don't think."

Polunu: "Yes you can. It's called obsession."

T'zuri: "How would you do that? I don't know what that is?"

Polunu: "By forgetting yourself. Obsession is being so caught up in the other party that you forget yourself."

T'zuri: "Obsession doesn't sound so bad. Who doesn't want to be so caught up in someone they forget themselves .. even for but a moment?"

Polunu: "I don't."

T'zuri: "Why not? It's a wonderful feeling."

Polunu: "A wonderful feeling? Well, Singer .. that wonderful feeling has burned down many a wagon in the middle of the night. Forgive me, if I want to keep my distance."

T'zuri: "Did you get out safely or were you charred?"

Polunu: "Trap door. Slipped right out the bottom .. she never even saw me leave. Should of seen her face when they told her I died. Frosty bitch she was."

T'zuri: "You let her think that? Polunu .. you are rotten."

Polunu: "Of course I did."

Blue: "I understand about the rules, I think Master."

Fonce: "Yes blue? What is it that you understand?"

Blue: "That if you love someone, truly love someone you act a certain way. Certain behaviors .. and considerations are there. There are things you don't do if you love someone. And that perhaps there are certain things you need to have, in the first place, to play the game of love."

Fonce: "Do you know anything about love, blue?"

Blue: "I have known various types of love, Master. I have never felt the soul deep kind."

Fonce: "So you are speaking of something you do not know much of then."

Blue: "I may not have experienced it, Master ... but that doesn't mean I don't know it."

Fonce: "So you know love then?"

Blue: "Yes Master, I know love."

Fonce: "So then ... what do you know of it?"

Blue: "I know it is hard, Master .. and messy and painful. I know it is beautiful, and warming, and wonderful. I know it lasts. Or were you looking for my definition of love Master?"

Fonce: "I asked what you knew of it since you said you knew it. I do not know it... you will get no argument from me. I know what I believe of it .. but I will not say that I know it."

Blue: "Yes Master, I have seen it before .. then I guess that is the better answer. I know what I believe of it."

Fonce: "It is why I keep asking people what they believe of it .. I wish to know. And I shall ask everyone who will speak to me about it and then decide which information fits and which does not."

Blue: "I think love is like a color, Master. What I see as blue and what you see as blue may never be the same shade of blue. It comes with seeing the color .. and knowing the color rather than having the color explained to you."

Fonce: "Well .. I am not going to wait to get it all wrong before I figure it out."

T'zuri: "Fonce?"

Fonce: "Yes T'zuri?"

T'zuri "Have you been hunting down the rules and opinions of love this whole time?"

Fonce: "Well ... yes. I am on a quest."

T'zuri: "You seem very serious about it."

Fonce: "Is it not serious?"

Falon: "I think it is very serious. When you find it you cherish it and you hold onto it like there is no tomorrow."

Fonce: "I wish to know it when I find it and not find out it was .. too late."

T'zuri: "That's not what I mean .. I mean .. you .. seem .. very ... serious .... about ... it."

Fonce: "I do not know what you mean T'zuri."

T'zuri: "Well it is supposed to be pleasurable."

Fonce: "I am sure it will be when I figure it out."

T'zuri: "It sounds like you are hunting it and intend to impale it on your lance once found ... wiggling and bleeding."

Fonce: "Well .. yes."

T'zuri: "It worries me."

Fonce: "Why T'zuri? I was not trying to do so. I am not trying to find it. I am trying to understand it so that I know it when I do find it."

T'zuri: "It seems to have consumed you."

Fonce: "No, is not consuming me at all T'zuri .. rest assured."

T'zuri: "Blackwine .. a little laughter .. teasing. Those sorts of things. I miss you being that way a little."

Fonce: "Do you mean I am not good company today, T'zuri?"

T'zuri: "Well, maybe I did say that."

Fonce: "I wish to apologize then T'zuri."

T'zuri: "You have no reason to apologize to me, Fonce."

Fonce: "I think I do .. for not being good company T'zuri. I will attempt not to bother you with it again."

Flawed

Well it all started with a casual conversation with Falon down by the stream. She told me I was good company so .. being me ... I asked her why?

Falon has been blushing a lot lately. Much more than I ever saw her blush before and this was one of those moments. I think I understand more now after the fact of the conversation.

She told me that she enjoyed my company. Enjoyed having conversations with me because we could talk about anything and neither of us judged the other. That she enjoyed hearing how I thought and felt about things.

I said .. well that was a good reason. And I meant it .. I meant a lot more but I did not say it. I meant that it was a compliment I appreciated. It was something I need to hear once in a while.

She said she liked my company for the simple pleasure that it was me. I am a simple pleasure? I had to chuckle.

We spoke of ties that bind .. a favored subject of mine in many ways ... in this context it was about family and Tribe Family. The ins and outs .. goods and bads. Then she said something interesting to me.

She said that it was hard to be open and vulnerable. To show what is inside. I said I did not find it so myself. I find no difficulty in showing my flaws .. what I am good at ... what I am not so good at. She told me a story of a young woman meeting a wise-beyond-his-years young man. She told me how she had come to go beyond her feelings of friendship for this man .. but I told her ... the reasons you have given me describe friendship. She said no .. there were people she would not share those things with because they would not understand or judge .. she asked me did I not value those things and did I not protect them? And I told her that friendship was someone I could do those things with successfully. Period. She said she disagreed but the beauty of it was that we all had different ideas about friendship.

This was the first time I really understood that what I perceived as friendship could be seen as something much more to someone else. It is something that I would chew on much longer than the conversation lasted.

Falon spoke of her love for me. Something we were going to have to agree to disagree on in definition .. but I wanted to know how she saw and understood love so I could better understand what she offered to me. She said love was a choice .. a choice to be vulnerable to someone ... that emotional responses helped find that person you would choose to do this with. So .. if all this was a choice I wanted to know why she chose me? Logical .. yes?

She said she believed in me. In who I was and who I could become.

Next logical step .. I wanted to know the difference between who I am and who she saw me capable of becoming.

She said when she chose to love someone she would love them for all their strengths and all their flaws .. but everyone has room for improving their flaws.

I .. of course ... wanted to know my flaws.

She told me that I had flaws when it came to pregnant women. She told me I needed to see them in a different way than I did. That I had things all locked away and that I avoided speaking of them even when needled. That I had gotten angry with her when she tried and this was something I needed to improve on.

I am left wondering if love .. according to Falon ... is based on who I am or who she believes I should become. I can not find the bridge of understanding to believe that it can be both.

Fuck the Rules

Raven

Raven and I have a history. And it is not all about sex. If there has been a woman who inspires my rage nearly as much as bell used to .. it would have to be raven.

Bell gave up. Walked away. Turned her eyes from the beast. Traded darkness for a innocent she could still save from it. That makes her smart in my eyes.

Raven is still there dancing in and out of the shadow. I have yet to figure out how serious she is about it. For now I am content to allow the question to exist between us. For now.

One thing that question does not interfere with .. sex.

Not the "mother may I" kind. Not the kind where you bask in the glow .. watching the ripples of touch react like a subsonic pulse through her body. There is nothing warm and tender about it. It is balls-to-the wall-all-out-take-it-and-leave-no-survivors sex. Do it till you can not breath .. can not move .. can not think. No exploration of domination and submission .. no man and woman ... no master slave ... just two animals fucking like the moons demand and the howling proclaims. There is no environment .. no props .. no awareness of anything but the culmination of the basest desires .. far beyond needs. The kind of sex you wake up in the middle of the night scared as all hell you actually did .. burning with the shame of it ... and relaxing only when you realize it was all a dream. But that would be you .. not me.

This was no dream.

If there is one place I know I can pull the dream into reality .. if there is one woman I know will welcome me no matter what I do to her ... it is raven. And I know she will crawl back for more until she has no legs to crawl with .. and then she will drag herself. And if I do not know where this comes from and what it has to do with me in the long run? It is a question I can allow to go unanswered for now. I do not care if it is about me .. at this point. All I care about is that for a few brief explosive moments I found a release ... in the sweat and cum and blood and bruising there was a moment where I no longer cared .. no longer sought ... no longer ached ... no longer needed ... and I slept.

Blue Apology

Blue came to me with an apology. Another one. Different than the last one. I of course asked her what the apology was for .. because I always do. That said I will of course probably refrain a few times just to be unpredictable .. but in the case at hand ... I asked.

She told he she wanted to apologize for the water and for the other night with Chay. She said she was not sure what she had done to inspire Chay .. but that she was sorry for the disruption of peace at the Fires.

I did not understand why she was apologizing for the water again. We had been over it all ready. Why drag it up? Did she want to remind me why I was so displeased with her before she apologized for the lack of peace at my fires? That is counter productive in the most logical sense.

So I moved on to the other night with Chay. I told her not to offer me an empty apology. To know what she was apologizing for or to wait to apologize until she did understand. That if she offered me an apology .. for something she did not know ... it was a waste of my time.

So she said she was apologizing for causing a disruption at the fires.

I asked her if she caused it.

I was pleased that she actually seemed to think about that for some time instead of just throwing out an answer as she had been doing. When she finally spoke to me she said she guessed that she had not.

Back to square one. If she had not .. why was she apologizing for something she had not done?

I told her not to apologize to me simply to feel better about what had happened.

And I meant it. She told me she had not caused it .. so therefor I saw no need to apologize for it. If she had caused it .. I would then have investigated the reason and formulated an answer thereby accepting the apology.

At this point I do not want an apology from blue. At this point I expect one from Chay. If at some point it becomes clear that blue caused this .. and Chay takes the time to make that clear both with me and the slave ... then I shall expect an apology from blue .. as well as a pound of flesh.

But until that time .. and as long as the slave believes she did nothing wrong and I have no information otherwise ... an apology is simply a waste of my time and the only motive for that I can see is to relieve a burden that may never be relieved. I do not have time to make every slave feel better about the situations where they tangle with the free of this Tribe.

There is a lot about blue I do not understand. There is a lot about blue I have no need to get to understand. I demand pleasing service .. absolute obedience and perfect beauty. Anything deeper than that is going to take some inspiration.

Time

Time. It is a fickle bitch. It flexes and changes to fit different situations and never in the same way twice. You can stretch time .. you can waste it .. you can save it .. you can stop it .. you can find it .. ect. Sometimes you can not control what time does .. sometimes it gets away from you.

So what brought up the subject of Time? Kaioba.

There was a point .. many many years ago ... when time stood still for me with Kaioba. It felt like I held it in the palm of my hand ... like a drop of water frozen mid splash. I could examine it .. savor it ... and enjoy it. It did not seem to change or fluctuate much. Time moved around moments with Kai like water around a large stone in the stream.

Then things went terribly wrong. I suppose I am to blame for that. In my absence I think I let something happen to what Kai and I had between us. When I returned it was not the same. She was angry. She attacked my identity .. who I am as a man. I could not have predicted that and so when she did it I was devastated. I thought I knew Kaioba. I thought she knew me. I thought we knew each other well enough that I intended to claim her for my own as my mate.

I do not know if I was naive or if Kaioba changed during the time I was gone. Only Kai knows that. What I do know is that the woman that I returned to was not the woman I would claim. She was like a stranger to me. I think perhaps that I hurt her by leaving the way I did for she could not spend much time around me and has spent the last few years on some kind of self awareness search that has taken her away from the First Wagons ... and away from me. Briefly she would at times return and tell me she was back .. only to disappear again. After awhile I got to where I was accustomed to her absence .. my life closed around the missing void and filled it in with the richness of Plains life.

It took me a long time to come to the thought of taking a mate again. A very long time. I have different ideas about taking a mate now .. than I did before. There are rules to the taking of a mate now .. rules that were not there before. Things I feel I have learned from the experience and that I mean to take with me into the next ... whatever that may be.

Kai has been back longer this time than any time before. She has made it clear to me that her feelings are as they were those many years ago. But my feelings are not the same. It is as if I tried to grasp that drop of water and it slipped through my fingers. There is no bitterness .. there is no dismissal of her because of what came before ... there is simply a breath of memory left as it moves across my empty hand.

Whatever Kaioba and I shared .. is gone. Whatever may or may not be built again will have to be something new. Something that has not been before. Something that fits the new rules and new ideas that I have grown into over those years that I stood alone and faced the consequences of my own mistakes.

Time. It is just one more scar I carry that helps identify who and what I am.

Rules of ... Music

Cana roped me into a flute lesson. I did not fight ... much. She seemed to have as much problem with the way I hold a flute as T'zuri. It works for me ... well sort of. It perhaps does not flow as easily or as beautifully as their fingers do .. or did ... but my fingers are not beautiful.

By the time she had my callused fingers the way she wanted them positioned over the tiny holes I cramped up so bad that I did not think I could move. How was that going to work for me playing anything? But in a frore way I had it going on and I think I looked rather good. As long as it was just a painted picture and not a moving one.

It was a relaxed and amusing time around the fires. Plenty of jokes and teasing. But Cana placated my need for the rules and told me some of the rules of music. She told me to close my eyes and listen .. that the sounds around me were the rhythm. I had to wonder if T'zuri was paying attention to that one ... I hope she was.

Of course I have done this lesson many times. In many ways. I have even taught it .. but never in the context of music. At first I was reluctant to let anyone try to show me something I knew so well .. but I would never hurt Cana's feelings over something so trivial so I did it. And what opened up to me was something I had actually never experienced before. The colors of rhythm. A kaleidoscope of hues and tones that flashed according to the rhythm of movement and sound around me. I knew people's walk .. I knew them by their walk ... but I had never paid attention to the color of their walk.

Now if I could just figure out how to play ... color.

Learning the Rules

So ... I asked Cana if she thought love had rules. She told me that two people in love set the rules.

huh

So I asked her what she meant. And she told me that when you love someone often you do it against what others think is right. So was I going to let others set a standard on what I feel in my heart? She tapped her heart and told me to do what is right by my heart .. it would tell me all I needed to know.

ah hell

I told her I did not trust myself so well. That I needed rules. I needed to know what is right .. and what is wrong.

Then she went and said the heart does not have rules .. she was very sorry ... she said ... but not all things have rules.

great

I told her there must be some way to know. Some way to govern and rule the heart and feelings so that there is order and not chaos.

She laughed at me .. and said in her limited knowledge of love .. it was chaos.

fuck

So now I had her attention and she wanted to know if I was feeling things in that itty bitty nearly non existent heart of mine. No she did not say that I .. just added in my own flavor there. But she did want to know if there was someone inspiring something.

I told her I did not know yet .. but that I was on a quest to find out the answer to it all. I want to learn of this love more than I know now .. I wanted to know the rules.

So she gave me an example .. she said some would say that a person should take my breath away .. or perhaps some would say it was like a comfortable fur.

hm

I replied .. but those are just feelings. What are the rules?

She said there are no rules for love. Good thing I was all prepared for this. She asked me if everything needed to have rules and if so .. who made them?

I said .. there are rules for everything .. everything has rules.

So she asked me what kinds of rules I would put on love.

I said .. I do not know that is why I am asking .. you.

We shared some examples of love gone right and love gone wrong. I said .. so there are rules because someone can break them. Someone can be in love and then out of love because of the rules.

She said that perhaps it had more to do with depth of love.

interesting

She said love was not logical. Had no rules. That my heart and my feelings would tell me.

problem

I told her I do not listen to my heart .. or my feelings. They always get it wrong and I do not want to hurt anyone any more. If I could just figure out the rules .. the rules she said did not exist ... I could avoid doing so.

She said .. what if that person plays by a different set of rules.

shit

There are different rules?

Panic

She gave me an example. I listened. This was starting to get complicated. So.. it helps to find someone who thinks of and values people the same way I do.

She said love was complicated.

no shit

I said well I at least have rule number one. I excitedly demanded she tell me another one.

She said .. this is more subjective but that I should always enjoy their smile. That the special person would have a special smile just for me. She had no idea that I would start cataloging each smile I saw after that.

She gave me another rule. that I should be able to talk to this person about anything. Anything at all. Even things that might be personal for them. I asked her how important that was .. she said it was more a guideline than a rule.

I left my talk with Cana in much higher spirits than I began it. I had rules. I had .. guidelines ... or at least a crude beginning of such.

ha

I was right.

Apology

I was just pulling my jerkin over the bandages when I overheard the talk around the fires .. I slowed down ... lingered a while before I stepped into the light.

Then I asked what had transpired.

The story I got I could hardly believe. In fact I probably would not have believed it .. had it not come from Falon. Falon who had a reason to make it better than it was and did not. I gathered from those at the fires that Chay had been teasing Polunu and in the process had torn a slave by her hair out of his lap .. then after that had ripped a fur out from under her as she served hot blackwine causing burns to both the slave and to Polunu.

Now I have to give some respect here for Polunu because he handled it so much better than I would have. I am very impressed by his control and lack of temper. This situation speaks for him louder than any other I can think of. Falon told me that Kam had been there and at the last had gotten upset with her. I hope that is the case so that I do not have to get involved. My preference is to stay out of it .. though I will step in if there is any doubt in anyone's mind that this was not to be tolerated at these fires. If a woman is to treat a man in such a fashion with such disrespect .. and the man wishes to allow it ... they can do so somewhere else. I could never tolerate such anywhere around me.

When Polunu returned to the fires with Tarra I apologized to him. That shocked a few. Why would that shock anyone? Was I not in control here? Was I not the Ubar? Were these not my fires as much as they are anyone's? Whose responsibility was it if it were not my own? Anyone who calls this place home .. who participates and partakes in this coming together should apologize. Anyone who sat and watched and did not say anything or found it amusing should apologize. No Chay is not my woman nor am I responsible for her behavior in a personal way. That apology was not mine to offer nor did I. Mine was offered out of respect for another warrior .. a Tuchuk .. my family ... that suffered a grievance he never should have at the First Fires.

I also thanked Falon for looking after blue .. who was not my first concern but I was grateful she saw after my property so that no more damage was felt from a situation that had very little positive motivation behind it.

Now I do not plan to make this a big deal. I am sure those involved are embarrassed enough. But neither do I intend to see this swept under the carpet. I will speak against this act .. this disrespect for one very important reason. Because people need to know how I feel and that I will not be as mature and distantly tolerant of such things as Polunu was.

Ritual

I seem to talk a lot about the parts and pieces of the Haruspex Clan that I do not take part in. I suppose it is natural that the parts I do take part in get less attention ... though I have explained some here and there.

I am not going to give you the details of what I did next. Not for some silly idea that they are Clan secrets that the mere telling of could taint in any way. I could give you great detail and still you would not understand. Which is the actual reason why I do not. You would not understand. Nor would you believe me. And then you would tend to doubt the others things I say and that would be a price I am not willing to pay. Fact is fact and what I can do .. I can do ... and do it rather well. But there are many more important things that I say that I want you to be able to believe in without doubting .. without loss of faith in my truthfulness. Things that have nothing to do with being a Haruspex. Things that have to do with being ... human.

When the ritual was over .. for ritual it was... I had more questions and fewer answers than when I started. As I wrapped my chest in the white bandage I cursed myself for a fool and I cursed the Clan for causing a colossal waste of my time and tissue. Neither one were that plentiful or cheap in my opinion.

Having a Tribe family has been the first step to my ability to one day create a family of my own. It is not something I have ever done before. The process .. the outcome ... it outweighs the magic and power of the Haruspex. To me it is much more of a miracle than I have ever seen done by the arts. Thus it follows that such a fantastic thing would have years of training. Years of learning involved. And I am a novice.

In my quest for belief. For Faith. For love ... I have come to realize that I know less and less. I do not seem to be learning .. I just seem to be finding out more of what I do not know. I am hoping that this is a natural process and at some point I will begin to learn ... what I do not know. But mixed in with this .. or I should say ... the corner stone of it .... are the rules. Why? Because I have based my entire existence off the rules. I have woven my identity with them. They are a part of me deep within the bone marrow and threaded through ever bit of tissue and sinew ... muscle and tendon. Tiny fibers brought together to build strength. Like the threads of leather in a bridle. A piece of tack meant to control the mighty kaiila... and it does.

So when T'zuri told me that love had no rules she shattered something I have been holding onto for a very .. very long time. And it shook me to my core. Threatened to release that molten red hot core all over the place. It weakened the bindings on all I know and believe in. It even called into question the way I believe it. How could the word of such a little chit of a thing do this? Because I believe that T'zuri knows love. No .. not love between man and woman but ... love. I have seen it in how she treated her father before he died .. I see it in how she speaks of her mother and those that come within her circle of influence. I see it in how she speaks of those that do not like her. It is almost embarrassing. Does she not realize? Is she naive? Foolish? Yet I can not see that T'zuri is stupid .. so that means she does it for a reason. I want to learn that. I think.

If there is one woman that I think knows love better than T'zuri it is Cana. Now .. that does not mean other women do not know love ... it just means I am not aware of it yet. So ... off I went on a quest to find out if there really are rules to love or if I was going to have to second guess everything I believed in .. pulling a clean leather jerkin over the wrapping of bandages as I made my way to the main fires.

Fever

I had ... to get away. There was just too much there I wanted to not think about. You know I get a lot of people making fun of me because I do not like body fluids. This is not true ... though I refrain from arguing at the time ... it is not worth it.

It has nothing to do with body fluids. Fluids are good things.

Pregnant women .. on the other hand.

But like I said .. I wanted to get away. So I went down by the stream and I sat upon the bank and I watched the water flow a few horts beneath my boots and I worked on the playing of my flute. But everything was still choppy and cut off in my head. Small sentences that ended in large punctuation. I could not get things to flow for me. It was frustrating .. aggravating. I ended up just tapping the bone piece upon my thigh in a severe rhythm that for some reason seemed to soothe the fractured mental process I was suffering from.

I heard T'zuri before she got to the edge of the stream. At first I wondered if I would be irritated that I was being interrupted. Then I realized it was probably a good thing. She came over to sit beside me.

I like to talk to T'zuri. Well mostly .. that is until things get more personal and then I do not like to talk to T'zuri. She is odd to me. She knows things I do not. Like Cana. Only .. Cana is safe to talk to. Cana loved Tayco and now she loves Lochlan. She is mated. She does not threaten me with that look. That look that says .. "I want". Want .. what? I am not sure which unnerves me more .. the fact that T'zuri wants ... or that she knows what she wants.

T'zuri is like water. Soft .. feminine ... and relentless. I keep trying to change her mind .. just to see if I can. She molds around my dam attempts and just keeps right on flowing. She is all Tuchuk .. I will give her that.

This time I threw some things at her to see how she felt. Nothing too challenging but some basics. She asked me a few of her own and I told her. I have very little trouble describing what I want. It is who that escapes me. Fitting the who with the what is proving to be a bit of a challenge for me.

Then it all got warm and fuzzy and I had to sabotage it somehow .. because ... well ... that is what I do. I grabbed her braids tight and asked her if she wanted to be kissed. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted to be kissed like a woman caught in my grasp or if she wanted to be kissed as T'zuri. There was no correct answer there. I knew that. But I was feeling angry and frustrated by that time. Questions with no good answers were the repast planned .. but she trumped me. She told me she wanted me to kiss her as Fonce.

Well what the fuck did that mean anyway. Made so much sense I just dropped the entire thing. Not because she was not attractive to me. She is an attractive female and I would have kissed her for no other reason than that .. but my motive was all wrong and bad and so when she shot me down with logic the motive just rolled over and died.

I was feeling rather good about it all .. even though she had bested me on that front .. I did not mind so much. It was a good thing ... after all. But then she had to go and tell me that love had no rules. That is when things just went all to hell.

Disturbing

I was sitting at the fires again with Arigh and Tarra. I was asking Arigh how she was doing ... if she had settled in and I asked her to list her possessions for me so I could get a good idea of what she might need for she had said she lacked much.

Chay ran in with her baby over her arm .. pale and not breathing. She was very distraught and did not want "it" to happen again. Meant it had happened before. These things do. Babes die. A lot. The mortality rate is high in this life. The strong survive .. it is our way.

Tarra asked me to make Chay some tea. She wanted me to do it for a reason ... I do not know what that reason was. I am really not that service oriented. I did it though ... neither one of them seem to realize exactly what that meant. Perhaps it is a good thing they took it for granted .. believing that I just do these things. Perhaps it is a good thing they do not know me better.

Tarra took the babe and cleared it's throat of something .. I think she did a little more than that however. It is not something that I have ever dabbled in nor will I ever do so. It is not for me. There is room in our Clan for many talents. That is not one of mine. I do not know if it is Tarra's ... I did not ask.

Chay was much better after. Her baby was alive... I suppose that is reason enough. Though she said something very strange to me then. She told me that I should get to know her if I ever got tired of talking to children. I told her I would enjoy that. She told me to stop disappearing then. I told her that I did not. That every time I am around her ... she leaves. She said she had to go hunting. I nodded. I told her if she ever had time to stick around I was more than willing to have a conversation with her. Looked forward to it in fact. She told me she would leave her weapons behind when she did .. I told her that was certainly not necessary. Odd that she thought it was.

Odd. The entire morning was odd. The dead baby brought back to life was surreal. Now that does not mean it was bad .. how could that be bad? I had just never witnessed such a thing before and I suppose I expected some kind of celebration. Singing .. dancing .. drums ...? Did it really happen? Perhaps it was not as bad as Chay thought and it really was not that big of a deal. I thought it was a big deal.

Odd ... the word stuck with me for the rest of the day.

Protection

I was sitting at the fires .. a moment of rest. The woman Arigh came to me. I do not know the prospect well but I have seen her here and there. More lately than any other time so I was not too surprised to find her there with me at the main fires. But there was something wrong with her. She seemed upset and wished to speak to me of something. So I had her sit and tell me what this was.

She said that Saresh had pulled his support of her. That she still wished to be a part of the main fires but .. needed protection for she was alone. I did not ask what transpired between her and Saresh. If it were a thing most grievous I believe it would not be kept between them. So by that logic it is then none of my business. If it is something that is to be my business Saresh will let me know. I told Arigh that she could remain as a prospect under my guardianship. That I would provide a wagon for her and whatever she might need to survive.

I do not know what happened between Arigh and Saresh but I do know that Arigh is very angry right now. She is female .. they do that. I did tell her that if there was any lingering issue between the two of them ... it would have to be dealt with. Saresh has not come to me about this .. until he does I will assume he is all right with Arigh as long as she is not under his direct supervision.

I do not know Arigh well. I know she is a Sleen Handler. She offered to give me a sleen for what I was doing for her. I told her she owed the Tribe more than me personally but for what I did offer of my own personal time and provisions she could train Yin's pups for me. She knew of Yaz .. I was a little surprised she knew his name. I do not talk of my sleen much around the fires. She must pay very special attention to sleen. I think she will be a good trainer for the pups.

Duet

Cana asked me something today that took me off guard. Set me back and touched me in a way I can never hope to be able to explain in mere words.

She asked me to play my flute with her .. that she would teach me a simple tune ... one that meant a lot to her. That we could play together for the celebration.

I wanted to give her all the reasons I could not do it ... that I was not good enough. That I did not seem to have the talent it took to play an instrument. That I was not sure I could learn even her simple tune. That she should ask someone far better at such than I.

But all the things I wanted to say .. all the things I even did say .... seemed only an offense in the face of such an honor. Such simple trust in me. So I thanked her and said I would do it.

She has no idea why I have been practicing the flute. I can make them. I can show others how to do it .. something about it seems to escape me ... some natural ability to let the notes flow from my fingers. But it is something I wish to accomplish and ... perhaps Cana can show me something that will fill in some missing piece.

The little bone flute is with me constantly now. My companion. But I only bring it out when there is no one around to have their nerves tortured by the flaws in my attempts. I have lost something and I want to get it back ... I want to fill in that hole. I know ... or at least I have faith ... that it is possible.

Yes you heard me right. I have faith. But do not get used to it.

Headache in Blue Minor

I have a headache. It is blue in color and submissive in nature. And do not for a moment think I mean it is less than or any easier on the gray matter by being so. If anything it is worse.

Slaves are not supposed to be problematic. They are supposed to be a solution. To some other problem. A comfort. They are also female. Whose brilliant idea was that again?

Anyway .. I have a headache. A pain within my head caused by trying to figure this out. And I am going to relate it by how it appeared to me. Why? Because that is how it happened. I do not know how it appeared to anyone else .. I am not anyone else. If I was perhaps I would not be in so much pain.

I saw blue today. She was carrying a handful of water around I guess ... I was told that later though I did not really notice it at the time. Why? Because like most men I was not paying attention.

Later she brought her water to me and struggled to tell me something. And I do not mean that she struggled with words... she had no words. merely this cupped hand of water offered to me. I finally said ..it is water? She nodded. I waited .. You want me to do something with it? She nodded ... she wanted me to.... drink it.

Linger on that for a moment. Just let your thoughts nibble around the edges and think about it.

I asked her if she was insane ... had lost her mind .... at least misplaced the thing if not destroyed it all together.

Let us skip the idea of drinking water someone has been carrying around in their hand for over an hour ... if that is even possible. Why? Because I do not want to hang out there and let the idea seed itself in the fertile soil of my imagination.

Let us instead simply .. and for the purpose of my sanity ... deal merely with the issue of a slave offering me to drink from her own fingers and the ideas of dominance and submission and how that went all wrong for me.

Well that did not take long did it?

I thought she was going to throw up on my boots or pass out into the fire. She came completely unglued from the inside out and I still have no idea why it was so intense for her to try to explain to me why she thought it was a good idea to offer me disgusting water from her fingers like she owned me.

When she was finally able to spell it out she did so like she was someone else. Talking from far away and about someone besides herself. Whatever it took to get it out I suppose. It seemed she had an experience with water and thought it profound. I can hear that one. Profound enough she wanted to offer water to me. I am not sure why but I could at least at that point appreciate the idea of the gift even if I did not want it .. at least how she wished to give it to me. I did however allow her to put the water into a bowl and bring it to me. If I cringed as she scraped the soggy skin of her palm on the edge of the bowl I did not show it. The idea of the gift was not something I intended to malign or destroy any more than I had all ready done.

If blue was a slave from earth .. or recently collared I might perhaps ... no I would still not get it. There is just no way I am going to be able to wrap my understanding around this one. Every time I do it feels like someone is inserting a sharp blade deep through the bone of my skull and easing it into the slightly resisting gray part.

Serous

I should have known. When you use other sight and defocus yourself enough to see beyond the realm that everyone else sees ... you step just that much closer to other things. Things that go bump in the night ... things that eat your soul and leave your skin walking around empty. Things that I know well enough to give them names .. but not well enough I get too close. I am not stupid.

But that night I was careless. I was so interested in the outcome of the battle that I forgot where I was. I think I remember leaving the fire. I remember T'zuri being ill .. I think Falon was taking care of her. I remember a moment of remorse wondering if my dabbling in the arts had caused it .. I hoped she was all right. I think ... it all could have been part of the dream though .. really ... I do not know.

What I do know was that as I left the fires .. or at least I think I left the fires .... the grass turned to liquid and I felt a grip close on my ankle and I was pulled through into dark blue water. Not water like the Thassa .. the Thassa is green. Dark blue like the late evening Sky .. only water not air. The cold water burned away all my clothes but I did not mind that I was naked .. it felt natural. Deeper I fell like a rock until I began to worry that I might not be able to get back to the surface before I needed a breath .. in fact it became startlingly clear I could not because the need to breathe was raging through my lungs like a plain's fire. I became frantic ... convulsing in a panic and then seizing as my chest attempted to implode or explode or simply tear itself apart from the inside out ... desperate for air. Blind now with the fight not to open my mouth .. to survive just one more moment ... but not able to stop it. It came .. that inhale I struggled to avoid.

But instead of death the liquid filled my lungs like thick amniotic fluid .. heavy but comfortable. Breathing was felt more .. but not difficult ... like I was using new muscles to do so. The liquid filled my nose .. my mouth ... my lungs. It felt like my heart was beating in the ebb and flow of it. Suspended animation .... a state of bliss.... where had I heard that before?

And then I began to sink further .. and further. Pulled under by the clawed grasp on my ankle .. a claw belonging to a creature I could not see. What I could see though was vast horizons opening up below me .. spreading plains far and wide with thick green grass waving in the current. Spidery webs of blue veins fed the thick grass with a heavier liquid than I fell through .. some of them even flowing against the current. An under water landscape .. a Tuchuk paradise of green grass as far as the eye could reach.

But I was falling too fast. I was going to hit the ground too hard. My breathing increased and I spread out my arms to brace myself and as the impact struck me I broke through the surface of the stream and gasped for air .. choking and gagging as water ejected from my mouth until I thought my stomach muscles would crush my spine. And then I just sat there .. in the stream ... and I gasped for breath as I let the water flow around me and I did not question how I got there.

I knew.

And I was just thankful I had not been wearing my favored boots.