Shadow

As I was talking to Polunu one of the men came to me and told me that Arigh was highly distraught and had requested me to find her at the stream.

Well ... line them up.

I excused myself from Polunu having finished our conversation and strolled on down to the stream to see what female feathers were ruffled in this instance. I had a pretty good idea all ready .. and had my suspicions confirmed with her first few words to me.

She asked me if she had seemed ungrateful for the things I had done for her. I scratched my jaw with the end of my flute and stared at her a moment before answering ... no? She asked me to confirm that .. I told her surely this was not going to be a conversation about whether or not I was liar.

She told me she really did appreciate everything that I had done for her and that no to her knowledge I had never lied to her. That Saresh had said in front of everyone that she was ungrateful and she did not want me to feel that way. My response was .. that if she did not wish me to feel that way then I probably would not. Logical enough.

She said she would probably tell me a thousand more times ... I asked her if that was why she had asked for me to come down here. She asked me then if she could see Yin's pups. I told her no .. not right now ... that I had been engaged in a conversation when I was told I needed to come find her.

She apologized to me. I asked her why ... she said for interrupting me. I told her I did not mind the interruption if it was important ... but I was still unsure what "it" was.

She said she was unaware Saresh felt the way he had and if he did feel that way she wanted to make sure I did not. I said .. well I do not. She asked me if she did something wrong if I would please tell her. Give her a chance to correct it. I told her I was very comfortable and could safely say that ... indeed I would.

She apologized again for interrupting me. I told her I answered for that one all ready. She said ... she was still unsure whether or not it was important. I told her I had no idea .. but I sure hoped it was. She said it was to her. Which was .. the point actually.

She said Saresh had promised her he would never do the very thing he did. And she still didn't understand why he did it. So she wanted to make sure the same mistake did not happen with me.

I reminded her I was not Saresh. I asked her to attempt to remember that. I told her that I would not suffer being treated in his shadow for long. She said I did not deserve that ... I agreed. I told her I hoped this was the last time. She assured me it would be.

Now I am not logically unaware that women sometimes fight shadows long after they are free of them. Little things said or done that haunt them for years after and are seen in the face of every man like a disease ... whether or not that man has even begun to appear with the symptoms. I know that women will live in fear for a long time of what has happened to them in the past .. and so I do suffer to be treated badly for a short time until it is very clear that I am who I am .. and I am not this person in their past. For surely I have enough flaws and sins of my own for them to worry of .. they need not heap someone else's upon my head. But the time for Arigh to come to the understanding that I am not Saresh was that night. I will not suffer such again. I will not live in another man's shadow nor pay for his deeds ... whether or not they were justified. That part of the equation I have no vested interest in. What I do care about and hold sacred is who I am .. and what I do with my own relationships.

I hope she was paying attention.