Love Me ... Tender-er?

No one gets it. No one realizes what kind of preparations I had to go through to even be able to discuss this subject. Some of their words are like razor blades to me. Each bite taken slices just a little bit more in a new spot. Each extraction merely a breath to rearrange the blade before another clenching of mandible is achieved. The maw slowly filling with ichor scented liquid that multiplies to choke .. and I must wonder ... if there will be a retching to save the drowning man or it is indeed the beginning of an end.

But to what end? Understanding? A connection with what others believe so that I might .. one day ... be able to stand as one? I hold firmly .. staunchly even ... to my beliefs until there is one I can logically understand that may not change my law but fulfill it and make it anew. If this can be achieved then I must say ... it is worth it. But could they not be just a little bit more tender? A little bit kinder with their love?

Perhaps T'zuri actually does understand ... a little. For her words to me later spoke of trying to save me .. protect me. But will she leave me here in this darkness alone? Is that then love? To preserve to the point of losing? Sacrifice for the sake of comfort? This is my choice. And if I gain understanding not for her .. it will be for another. It is my quest and it is my desire and it is my destiny. And I will not lay aside my will for anyone. Not even her. Not even to save her from her discomfort. Not even to save her from my discomfort. This is who I am. This is what I am. She better get used to it now.

Do I wish Falon to not answer me when I ask her what my flaws are? Yes. But I will ask again and again until she does answer me. For I need to understand what she offers me before I can make a logical decision on whether it is something I can accept .. or offer in return.

Do I want T'zuri to refrain from telling me when I am not good company? Yes. But I will ask her anyway until she is honest .. because that is who I am. It is not my desire to hurt her with this quest. If her words to me can not be seen under the bright and clear light of day .. than I can not consider them as valuable to me. If they do not stand the test of argument and scrutiny .. they will not be strong enough to hold against me.

I am no masochist. But there is satisfaction in the learning .. in the knowing ... that supercedes the pain of razor's edge. I really am .. all right. It really is .. my choice.

And the alternative is not acceptable.