Love me ... Love me Not

I had no idea what Falon wanted to speak to me of .. I strode down the edge of the stream until we were away from the others and then I waited to hear. She seemed to struggle for a moment with what she wished to say ... and then asked me if I had any romantic feelings towards her or if we were going to always remain friends.

The question surprised me .. I asked her if she wanted me to decide right now. She said she wanted to know if I was interested in pursuing such a thing with her and if not she wanted to know strait up right now. But no .. she said I did not need to decide .. right now.

At this point I was not only surprised but confused. I told her so and she attempted to clear it up for me. She told me that she had shared her heart with me .. that she loved me. And she would not offer me empty words.

Now .. I knew this. I had listened to her and it had honestly never occurred to me she would offer me untruths or words she did not mean .. I also told her that I was now aware of the definition she gave love. Which was a little different from my own .. but still valid in my opinion. She asked me if I saw the possibility that I may feel the same about her in the future.

I asked her .. if it mattered. I wanted to know if her love was based on possibilities. If she needed an answer so she could change her love to a more productive avenue.

She said .. yes it did matter actually. It would matter if I had no interest in pursuing a relationship on a romantic level. So I asked her if this was so then would she no longer love me .. in my attempt to further learn of Falon's rules and definitions of love.

She said that no .. it did not mean that but in time the love would not be as strong as the love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and have a family with.

So I asked her if love could then change like that. She said love had levels. Like the different loves she felt for family .. friends ... and the love she had for a man she wished to share body heart and spirit with. I said .. so you have that kind of love you want to share with a man for me .. and you need to know if it is going to be returned so you can change it to fit someone else. Made sense to me. She said she did not know the future .. or what it held or if it could be changed to fit someone else. That made even more sense to me even if I .. as yet ... could not fit both of her answers into the same thought. I took that struggle and turned it into a question ... and I asked her why she was expecting me to foretell the future right now if she herself could not.

She said no .. but she wanted to know if I wanted to kiss her .. find out about her heart .. explore her. I said yes. Of course. But ... I wanted to do that with a lot of different women. I could not say that there was one that had taken my focus. I was afraid I could not answer her question in a way that would work for her. She asked me .. if I wanted to get to know her ... why I did not kiss her.

Well ...

You know .. I am logical. I really am .. detrimentally so sometimes ... but there are actually things I do not want to dissect and examine and put words to for someone. This was .. one of them. To kiss or not to kiss .. and why? Fuck ... like I know? Sometimes I just do and sometimes I just do not.

But .. I did try to explain it for her ... she seemed to want to know the answer .. need the answer for her own peace of mind. I told her that I had backed off from her .. as we had spoken of many times before this. But that in truth I did not choose a woman ... then go about getting to know her and kiss her and pursue her and then decide if this was the woman I wanted to mate or not. The things I had come to ponder when I thought of mating were not these things but ... how she lived. How she thought .. how she acted ... how she treated others ... and me. Whether or not she could be my friend in ways that would stand the tests of time and trouble. For I had no faith in love to see me through these any more.

She asked me then if she had failed in these things. We started to rehash the family subject. She seemed to think that I wanted her to not like her family or be angry with them. Which is very far from the truth. She seemed to think that standing up to Chay about her behavior and standing up to Tarra about blue were examples that helped me in my own struggle with how to relate to her on this subject. Which again is not what I needed. I have seen Falon hold her ground with her family .. I have seen her act as an individual. What I had never seen was Falon hold her ground for me with her family. I had yet to experience her capable of dealing with my own venting if and when it was about her family. And to be honest those things were not the epitome of my needs .. it was just a thing that kept being brought up and I was still attempting to help her understand and not misunderstand me.

I have no idea what I did not switch her gears but she started looking me over like I was a piece of meat .. now that does not threaten me but I will not suffer much of it before I take the challenge. I warned her that yes I did think of her as a friend but I can take the jump from friend to sex without a lot of thought in between. She said she wanted a man who thought of her in terms other than sexual gratification. Big surprise. I told her most women do. That did not mean I was not going to do what I said I would do if she continued.

It was a good idea to head back to the main fires about then.

I do not know if I answered her original question in a way she needed me to. I do not know if I gave her any kind of help at all. To me it felt like all the other conversations we have had .. but she seemed all right afterwards. Perhaps she just needed to hear me say it all again. That seems to be a female trait.

Women.