Like Ducks in a Row ... But Not

It is the moons again. All three of them ... huge full and bright in the Sky. I know they pull against us. I know they effect us in ways we do not understand. I do not know if it is because they are near and we hear their whispering or if they are far and without their whispering we lose a little bit of our humanity. Either way I know that when they are full like this people act differently. They act ... worse. They say things and do things they normally would not.

For a hand now I feel like I have been dealing with one thing after another. Most of it is not that important .. just unrest or people shoved out of peace about something a good listening ear can take the edge off. Some of it is bigger. Disfavor with me and how I do things. I am not here to do things as they have done them in the past. I am here to do things as Fonce. I am Tuchuk .. but I am Fonce. I am not the Ubars of the past. I am not the men that came before me .. nor will the men who come after me be ... me. My name is mine because I am an individual and I nearly gave my life to earn my name and I will be damn proud of it for the rest of the time I have beneath the Sky. And with that pride comes the knowledge that I am .. an individual. And I am not here to be anyone but who I am ... to be the best me possible.

If there are those that believe I am not what this Tribe needs .. I have spoken before I will step down. Quickly. As easily as the position was placed on my shoulders I will shed the cloak should I get word or even the implication that I am not the best thing available for this Tribe. I am not here to change people .. I am here to guide them. To keep them alive. I am not here to entertain or give them a reason to be here ... I am here to guide their own quest for their own lives and to make sure they survive to the best of my ability this thing called Tuchuk life. I am not here to guide as they have been in the past. I am not here to do as other men have done but to do as I do. Just because there have been ways .. or things done before ... does not mean that I will make the same decision. And should that become a problem I will solve that problem without a look back. I have given up a lot to shoulder this responsibility. If that is no longer appreciated there is no reason for me to continue to sacrifice for people who are no longer appreciative of it. Only as long as I fit what is needed as Ubar will I continue.

I am tired of people threatening to leave if I do not do what they think is right. Leave? Leave where? When did being Tuchuk become so conditional? I was still Tuchuk when I did not like what Trajen did .. or what Bo did. I did not threaten to become nonTuchuk just to try to manipulate them into doing what I wanted or thought right.

I am tired of being threatened with .. if I do not do what someone thinks is right then all the bad rumors about me must be true. If the bad rumors are that I do what I think is right no matter what? Might as well come to grips with that now.

If however this is the unrest caused by the moons I will understand. Things will move on. I will continue to ease what I can by listening and guiding as needed. But after this hand I am tired ... very tired. I want .. here I must chuckle because I am too tired to even think what it is that I do want. I just ... want. Perhaps sleep. Perhaps a few moments where everyone is ... all right. Perhaps I want someone to tell me .. hey Fonce good job. Perhaps I am lonely for my life .. just a piece of it where people are not so interested in what I do and why but .. just let me live like I am a normal guy with normal desires and wants from this life. Well .. I suppose I will never be normal so I mean normal for me. Am I alone in this? Were these frustrations felt by all the Ubars before me? I wish they were around to ask.

I think today the cloak of responsibility is very heavy. I think today I wish there was someone to share that with. But I suppose the lack of that comes with the territory. Tomorrow it will be better ... it always is.