Mourning

It did not take long for the Sky to let me know how it was going to punish me for my insolence.

Sitting around the Fires and talking to Cana .. Arigh was all withered at her wagon steps. There was something in the air but I still had not quite gotten the gist of it. More concerned with the size of the iron pot it was going to take upside my head to get my attention.

Grin.

So then later .. sitting around the fire some more ... here came T'zuri looking like someone ate her best friend. Well I mean .. a different best friend besides Snooker. And sure enough ... out it came that Kazhuye was dead. Taken to the Sky by a giant strike of lightning.

Figures.

Leave it to the Sky to hit me right where it hurt the most.

Fucking figures.

Convenient? No .. not bloody convenient at all. In fact it ruined everything. It was a completely selfish .. self centered ... self absorbed moment and I was rolling around in it getting covered from head to toe.

Did I feel sorry for Kazhuye? No. I was irritated with him. He disrespected everything the First Fires are about and then blew it all off like it did not matter. Any warrior that could not figure out how to obey an Oralu was going to die anyway .. sooner or later. But why could it not be later?

The Sky gave and the Sky took away. But this was personal.

Did I feel sorry for Arigh who seemed to have lost her senses over it? No. The life of a Tuchuk is not soft and gentle with happy endings and warm centers. It is all raw and real and sometimes bad things happen. Other times ... really bad things happen. Did I feel sorry for T'zuri who was also going around moping and sad? No. I found her sadness and grief irritating and it grated on my nerves for it just served to remind me that it was all ruined. All of it. Smashed up and strewn across the plains with no hope of putting it back together.

Well about then I looked a little down in the face too I am sure and if everyone thought I was all broken up about Kazhuye they could just go on thinking so. I was not feeling sorry for anyone but myself and I figured I had enough reasons to right then not to begrudge myself a few introspective pats on the head.

I really needed some sleep .. and I needed to stay out of the Dream War until I could figure out how to stop sabotaging myself with my own temper.

The Salt Lamp

I have a new toy. I received a gift of thanks from the Salt Hunter's Clan. A salt lamp. I have never had one before. I find them fascinating.

They are carved from a crystal of salt that has been mined. It is hallowed out and polished and a flame of light is set within. It warms the salt and negative ions are released into the air.

As a Haruspex I understand this better than most .. what the basic reality consists of is cleaner .. better smelling air.

Right now .. those Salt Hunters had no clue ... that just really appealed to me and I set it up .. not in my Spex wagon ... but in my own. It added to the orange glow from the coals with more orange that danced and flickered on the leather sides of my wagon.

It was a warm .. inviting color and I was more than pleased with the result. I keep stepping outside the flap ... and inside the flap ... outside the flap .... and inside the flap ... to see if I can smell the difference.

The Element of Fire

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above that could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air as she started to dance
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands and we sang

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place
You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces
We was spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes
No room left to move in between you and I
We forgot where we were and we lost track of time
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night

-Santana

Do You Know What Vulo Tastes Like?

And the number of life is ...
three hundred and sixty

It was several moments before I could see again. My eyelids felt burned away and my eyes dried of any ocular jelly. I simply sat by the fire until shapes started to define themselves .. longer still it took for color and textures to fill in.

I was tired. Mentally and physically. And dawn was just starting to break over the horizon. I kicked dirt over the coals despite the fact they had gone out long before. I saddled and rode Kai in through the bosk towards my own wagon. The entire time I contemplated what punishment the Sky would see fit to visit upon me. At the time I did not care.

It would slap me out of the saddle sooner or later.

It was a relief to know the woman and the tem were not lost to me .. as I had believed. I had no more idea what to do with them now .. or how to find them now ... than I had before. But at least finding them was once more a possibility even if I did not have the means yet. Somewhere in there I knew clues existed and I would ponder them of course. Now the fact that the larl was not with the woman or the tem was not lost to me. I just did not know yet what that meant.

As I rode up to my fires at my wagons .. Oren gave me one of those looks. I just shrugged .. figured she was all bent out of shape for the tattered appearance of my jerkin .. but no .. she glared at my wagon .. then at me. And that is when the scent hit me .. hit Kai too ... he was all excited and I had to muscle him under control and take him away to the kaiila pens before I could return and investigate. Yaz seemed all unconcerned ... which made no sense if what I was smelling was real ... and I went up my steps and shoved the flap aside. The sweet copper tang hit me like I ran into a wall. I had to put my hand up over my mouth as I ducked within.

The entire inside of my wagon had been splattered with blood. The walls of leather .. the polished flooring ... the furs and chests. Everything was in its place ... it was just all covered with blood and the warmth of the Central Fire heating up the leather top of my wagon was not helping the aroma any at all.

I almost slipped on the floor as I was stepping within .. my boot sliding in the warmed ichor and I reached out to brace on the taught leather side and my palm came away slick with it.

Three perfectly white vulo perched on the rim of the copper bowl in the center. The ruffled their feathers at me and cooed softly.

Anyone that knows me .. knows me well ... knows about my little issues and I was instantly one hot motherfucking Tuchuk Haruspex. I reached behind me and tied the flap shut and then I went out of myself just a little.

When it was over my wagon was clean .. the smell was gone ... I had calmed down considerably .... and I had three little vulo roasting in my fire bowl.

Riddle Me This

Where life has no value .. Death has a price
And the number of Death was One hundred and twenty

I was irritated. I sat right down near that fire and I started taking apart the plains around me .. piece by piece. And I kicked around a few of them for good measure.

I felt better for it anyway.

I said the words. Slowly I began to build it back .. blade by blade .. horizon and Sky and blood white kaiila. Rising I strode to him and I swung into the saddle .. taking up my weapons I lifted a scream and I demanded that the Oneiroi show themselves.

Obviously the last time had taught me nothing.

But neither Icelos .. Morpheus ... nor Phantasos appeared to me. I threw my weapons to the ground and thought nothing of cursing the Sky.

But it was not the Sky that responded to my disrespect .. it was Valerie. She strolled on by in my dream and beckoned me to follow.

Figures.

She had done so much for me last time.

But what else could I do? I had no answers .. I had no choice but to follow her on the chance that I might accidentally find one. So I swung down from the beast and I strode after her .. the moment I consented to the deed the plains melted away from me and I was upon the desert .. a dry and wasted land of nothing but shifting burning sand. Not even a breeze to ease the oppressive air that weighted down on every cell of my body. Valerie was gone .. with the plains .... and I was alone. My frame caused my feet to sink deep in the sand with every step making walking an exhaustive chore and I was sweating and gasping after only a little progress.

And then I saw her. The woman. THE woman. Not the woman I thought was the woman. The slave who Beo had killed in the forest. No .. this one was much different .. she resembled the woman of my dreams the one I could never save .. and she sat at the feet of a great Tem. No .. not the tem I had seen destroyed and burnt to ashes in the forest. But a great tem who had lived far beyond his years .. his fruit dripped the blood of wisdom though no leaves decorated his gnarled and twisted branches for there was not enough water here to keep them green and lush. She was beautiful .. but her flesh was dry and cracked by the scorching heat of the desert. How long had she been here? How long could she survive here? Either one of them actually.

She did not seem to notice me .. she was busy with quill and ink .. scratching away on sheets of paper. I was not close enough to see what it was that she wrote .. though every once in a while she would wad a piece up and toss it away from her. The ink she used was the blood of the tem .. and she scratched great sweeping scarlet characters upon the papers. She seemed desperate to write something .. something she could not get correct. One of her eyes had been damaged and listed to the side .. it did not follow the other when she finally glanced up to me as I stood a ways off and watched her.

When her eyes touched my own I forgot why I was there and I reached to save her .. save her from the terrible heat that was slowly taking away every vestige of moisture ... of life ... that remained in her. Only when I reached she melted away from me and as I struggled to get to her I sank further and further into the sand. The burning grains scalding my skin until they filled my mouth .. my nose as I sucked them into my nasal passages .. and finally my eyes. Sand blasting them open and glazing them like globes of glass.

Power of Three

if not by one
and not by two
but if by three
you call to me

It is habit for me to sleep on the ground with the herd. I suppose one day I will be too old and the ground too hard and cold for me to find pleasure in it. But seeing I have just reached my early twenties I figure I have a couple hundred thousand more nights before that happens. And I intend to enjoy every single one of them.

There is not much snow in the North .. we are too close to the equator .. thus our move for the bosk. Some of the mornings can get frosty though it usually melts off when the Central Fire reaches its peak.

It was one of these frosty mornings .. the hours darkest before the Fire reaches over the horizon to remind us that all is not lost ... that I woke with a light touch over my chest. My eyes snapping open and catching just shadows in the low light from the fire's coals .. not enough to explain the feathery touches. I sat strait up and instinctively brushed my hand and I knew then it was birds .. black birds. Touching my chest I was horrified to find they had torn open my leather jerkin and bandages ... and had been feeding on my chest. My fingers slid in the slick smear of my own blood across the now pock marked muscle of my chest over my heart. What in the hell? Was I now carrion for them to feast upon? Rotten bloated flesh to fall to the tumits and scavengers of the plains? I was alive .. damn it! I jumped to my feet kicking them away and they fled beneath the onslaught .. dark wings flapping wildly as they took to flight away from the outrider's fire. My boot coming in contact with one of them rather solidly .. that brought a nasty grin to twist my mouth.

Snarling and grumbling I set about to repair my bandages and jerkin as best I could until I returned to my wagon .. building up the fire to give me a little light. And what the bloody ... they came back. hovering around the circumference of light. There were three of them. I took great pleasure in the fact one of them was limping rather badly.

I was awake enough now and I realized them for what they were. A message .. an omen ... someone seeking my attention. But damn .. did they have to eat their way into my chest? Probably ... I had been very tired the night before and my sleep was deep ... far deeper than the realm of dreams. Still ...


That was just .. rude.

A Long Way Down

What is it with women. Are they really that blind .. or are they just so embedded in denial. I think I am rather intelligent .. but I honestly do not believe I am that much more intelligent than everyone else. Despite my arrogant ego. So I actually keep expecting them to ... get it.

When Kazhuye came to the fires and stirred everything up .. he did so this time while I was about five steps from the fire talking to Falon about elements. Now as I made clear to Cana .. those who want respect demand respect and in this case Kam did a little demanding and Kaz let his kaiila take a swipe at him. I was furious. My guards escorted Kaz out of the First Wagons.

T'zuri was there .. said nothing ... until the last when Kam is bleeding to death on the grass and I am being disrespected to the point of insanity and whose name is she crying out for? What man is she begging life for? Certainly was not Kam .. certainly was not me. No it was Kazhuye.

Figures.

I let my temper get the best of me .. was all ready in the process of losing it so walking back upstream to gather it up was just not in my time line of events. At that moment she broke the rules and she was someone else for me. The culmination of what I set out to learn by telling Kaz he had a free path to earn her affections. My suspicions were tied up and handed to me in a pretty package of understanding and I ordered her to her wagons until my word released her.

It was a couple of days before I had the good grace to go and talk to her. I did not want to. Not because I figured she would try to explain herself .. but because I knew she would and I knew all the words she would use and none of them worked. None of them took away what I felt or how I saw it. But my temper finally cooled enough I did not feel I would rip her head off too badly and I went to speak to her.

She had just started using all those words I knew she would .. "just friends" and .. "thought you were going to kill" ... I did ask her when was the last time she saw me kill a Tuchuk. Rather safe in asking that since I knew she had not seen the last time because it involved a mask. And besides by the look of Kam seemed to me Kazhuye was taking care of himself just fine.

I did not want her trying to fit me into that picture .. because I did not fit into the picture that night except as the big bad Ubar killing machine. It was a role I was particularly frustrated with just of late.

But we had no chance to work passed my frustration or my irritation for Arigh came being escorted by an outrider. She looked like a little hell warmed over the next morning and I asked the Outrider what happened. He said .. get this .. he said to me that I should ask Arigh or she might never speak again. The man was obviously not in his right mind speaking to a commander that way let alone the Ubar. I took the hands on approach and told him to get out of my sight. I would deal with him later.

By this time Arigh had collapsed on the ground and began sobbing .. or trying to breathe .. or something and I told T'zuri to take her to her wagon and get her into some furs and I would get a Healer sent back.

I have no idea what Arigh needed to tell T'zuri so badly .. all I know is that as I walked away I heard her scream Kazhuye's name.

Figures.

The Healer kept staring at me as I told her she was needed at Arigh's wagon between chuckles. I guess most people do not seek the Healer Clan's fires while they are laughing so hard. But come on .. the irony just kept oozing out of the pores with both of these women and the timing and circumstance was funny as hell. I do not care who you are.

Elemental Mirror

What forces and things come to bare upon a person .. man or woman ... to decide what Clan they follow? I have some rather strong opinions myself. These opinions are not placed on any but those I am directly in control of. Such as my mate or my child .. since I have neither of these things I can safely say no one really has a good grasp of my opinions on this matter.

It is advised .. never dictated ... that a man should take a mate from within his own clan. It will add a harmony to things that two different Clans in the same wagon can throw off. It is certainly not impossible to live together without this. And two people from the same Clan are not always the best combination. It is just a tiny straw that coupled with many others can add up to or subtract from peace.

I feel rather strongly about raising my children in my Clan. What if my mate feels the same way .. about her Clan? What will that mean between us? How will we problem solve that? And I certainly can not imagine my child being allowed any other Clan but one of his parent's. Of course I say that and I have never had a child. Nor had my offspring show the talents and gifts of another Clan .. nor faced his own happiness as it rests within my grasp. In other words .. that is how I feel while never having faced the situation. So I do not know.

Falon came to me .. many years ago ... with dreams she had. I suspected then her dreams were more than simply reordering her thoughts of the day. Did she not have the blood of Haruspex within her? I urged her to pursue it. To speak to her mother. To push a little .. for it seemed that Falon while living with dwellers had never gotten the opportunity to choose a Clan.

I do not know what all happened between Falon and Tarra. I do not know why Falon chose the Clan of Healers. I had done what I felt was right and the rest was none of my business.

Falon came to me with another dream. This one was more obvious in content and intent. This time the elements and calling left me with little doubt. Why would she suppress her gifts? Why would her mother not see it? I urged Falon once more to speak to her mother. To ask her to interpret the dream. It is not my place to explain anything to Falon. Not as her friend .. not as a Haruspex ... and not as the Ubar. Perhaps if Falon could find herself within the Elemental Mirror .. perhaps she would feel more comfortable in her own skin and face her Destiny with more confidence in herself and who she is. I do not know if Falon was destined to be a Haruspex or if Falon was destined to be a Healer. What I do know is that Falon needs to find the mirror and take a good look. I hope her mother leads her to it .. if not I will do what I can to get one of the Elders to help Falon find the mirror.

Figures

There are times I enjoy when I speak to someone and for a few moments I forget that I am the Ubar. For a few moments I forget my name is Fonce .. commander of the greatest people upon the Great Plains. I forget that I am supposed to be mature .. old ... wise despite my youth. I forget that I lost my own childhood and it is uncontrolled .. wandering here somewhere inside of me. For those moments I feel like my childhood and my real age come together like normal. Instead of being two such separate entities.

Someone that does not seek something from me .. but seeks me. Just me. Not the Ubar .. not the Spex ... not the master .. not the cock ... just me. How I feel about things .. what I want ... without taking some kind of personal interest in it.

It is good to relax. To not feel the burden of my responsibilities that weigh upon my shoulders.

Not that I would ever set those things aside .. or want to live without these things for they are all a part of my identity. I am the Ubar .. I am Fonce of the Tuchuk ... I am a wise Commander despite my youth .. I am a Haruspex ... I am a master ... and I am rather partial to my cock.

But appreciating who I am does not take away the pleasure of a few moments where none of it matters.

The simplistic reality of it all is that I really do want to be a good person. I really do want to be a positive influence and force upon things and people around me. I really do not want to be a failure. To constantly struggle with interpersonal relationships and suffer the consequences of being so harsh and unforgiving. I want to believe that all I have ever preached or believed about love really could be true. Despite the fact that I have lost my faith and I am no longer convinced. I do not want to be devastated and disappointed in people when they are weak and afraid. I do not want to be devastated and disappointed with me .. when I prove I am one of them. I want to be different .. I want it to work. I want someone to understand. I want someone to see what I see .. know what I know ... experience what I have .... and then tell me they still believe. Tell me they still want to try. Can they? Will they? Who can stand with me?

Why does the simple attraction to someone who is untainted by it all cause me to want to taint them? Must I drag every star from the Heavens to rest beneath my heel? Must I soil every bright thing just because I want to hold it close to me for a moment? Must I test every good and right principle to see if it is indeed strong enough to withstand truth?

Once you hold such a powerful and destructive weapon as truth .. how do you sheath it? How do you dull it enough to preserve instead of kill?

Why is it that I must burn away the least little lie. Can I not let a few exist so that people can be comfortable around me? Why must I rip and tear them to shreds to reveal the sinew and bone. Let them see things with their lids peeled back to the socket leaving the globe exposed and unable to resist?

Am I so afraid I am really alone? Am I that fearful there is no one who would .. could be me? That I am some freak of the universe .. a product of my environment .. an environment I can never recreate to allow another to visit my thought process?

So much for those moments where I forget who I am.

A Little bit of Soap

So in between all my laughing and weeping for the sheer amusement of it all .. I had overheard T'zuri use a word with Arigh that had an F a U a C and a K as prominent letters in it. So I asked Cana if she had some really mild soap... without a lot of scents and stuff .. something she might use with Tug. Sure enough she said I could borrow it and went to get me a little jar filled with nice .. clean ... soap.

When T'zuri returned and apologized .. and after we got that little part about how much weight Arigh actually did carry for what she had done .. I told T'zuri to come along with me and we strolled on over to a water barrel. She asked me what the soap was for.

I replied .. your mouth.

She feigned innocence. I told her she still had the F and the U stuck in her teeth. She fumed at me and said she never said that .. I assured her that actually she had .. quite clearly too .. might have been a few others but I did catch that one. Besides she was still sporting the evidence in her teeth.

She asked me if I expected her to actually wash her mouth out with soap. I said yes .. unless she wanted me to see that F and U every time I looked at her pretty little features. Quiet a blemish to be sure .. but if she really wished to be seen that way ....

She quickly assured me she did not. Wise woman.

I handed her the little jar.

She brushed her teeth gagging and gucking and squawking the entire time. I told her .. let me see.

She did.

I informed her that she had gotten the F but the U was still stuck .. right ... there. That she better do it again ... really good this time so we did not have to redo it a third.

She balked about it .. knowing now how bad it was going to be. I told her I would be more than happy to assist. She declined.

The second time was much better .. as if she knew at this point we could sit here all night. Kudos to her she did not puke anything up .. but she sure did a lot of spitting. I said .. let me see again.

She showed me her pearly whites like a good good girl. I was satisfied and told her well done and took back the little jar of soap.

I was not sure if T'zuri would forgive me for that one. I mean .. I gave her choices ... but that does not always count with women.

I called across the fires for her to blow a bubble .. so she blew me a soap bubble kiss.

Now that girl has got some spirit. If she can still dish it out to me after all that? Right the fuck on.

Pussy Gone Wild

Now .. the slave blue had been at the fires of the Year Keeper for much of our conversation. In fact she ducked her head and almost gave me away at least once by her expressions .. and if doing so would not have given me away ... I would have ripped her head off for it.

I am sure she gave enough away that the man asked of me after I left. I am in no real assumption that my identity will be kept secret for any long length of time. But that does not matter .. much. I still garnered what I wished to know and left him with the idea that he is more than clear to do what he can in regards to T'zuri. No interference on my part .. as long as her safety is not an issue. I will not throw over my responsibilities so carelessly. But they will get locked in a box together and what will come of it ... will come of it.

Like I told the Year Keeper ... he .. I mean I .... really hate loose ends.

Once at the main fires I settled in for a bit of comfort. Blue rejoined not long after. I could not tell by her demeanor if anything had been given away or not. A test for the slave as well. It is easy to obey a spoken word .. we will see how well she obeys an unspoken one.

So anyway all was going relatively well when T'zuri came to the fires sporting a brand new drum and kissed me on the cheek for the gift. Well there was a big snort but it was less for the invasion of my space and more for the fact I had not given it to her. That kiss belonged to someone else ... now the question was .. who?

Then all hell broke loose. Arigh showed up and T'zuri's little hackles stood all up and she bristled like a scared shitless baby sleen. I was so distracted by that amusing fact I did not catch right away what it was all about.

Then she leapt over and just lit into Arigh and Arigh did not even fight back .. just took it. This little giani gone wild. Once more I forgot to figure out what it was about .. it was just too damn interesting to watch.

Then I got it. They were fighting over Kazhuye.

Considering where I had just been and what I had just done? This was funny as hell and I lost myself in laughter. I laughed so hard I tried to puke. Tears ran down my cheeks and I did my best to swipe at them.

I do not care who you are .. that was funny.

Then T'zuri stalks off and Arigh instantly jumps across the fires to sucker punch blue.

I lost it again. Like what the hell? Did she hit her because she could not fight back? Why did she not take that out on T'zuri .. where it belonged. I thought my sides were going to split open and leak intestines out all over the ground. The only part of it that was not amusing was the fact that blue had been in service to Noya at the time.

Well once I got over the uncontrollable laughter I told Arigh she was damn lucky that she had not done such to blue while she was in service to me .. she owed Noya an apology for disrespecting her like that. I also told her that when you meddle in other people's affairs you take a risk of getting your head lopped off.

Well .. the irony of my advice tickled my funny bone again and I lost it all over. I know Arigh thought I was laughing at her .. in a way I was ... but mostly it had to do with that word irony. I told Arigh that if she stood by what she had done to brace T'zuri with it .. if she did not stand by it she should apologize.

Arigh apologized to Noya. Then she stalked off. Without an apology to me. I do understand .. the amount of sniggering I was doing would have made it hard to apologize for anyone .. but I did notice. She still owes me one .. a big one.

I apologized to Noya for the unpleasant time she had at my fires. Noya was undisturbed by any of it. She even mentioned at one point that women scrapping amused men .. it was to be expected .. especially with Fonce.

GRIN

So then T'zuri came back once she had smoothed her feathers and calmed down and she apologized publicly for her display of temper. She still defended herself though and said it was Arigh that hurt Kaz.

Well I disagreed. T'zuri hurt Kaz. Now Arigh may have meddled and caused it to happen in a way that T'zuri felt was out of her control but .. come on. If T'zuri and Kaz were that fragile they needed to go tie themselves safe in their wagons. There would always be people meddling in our affairs .. it was a given of life. That happened. People took some vested interest in your affairs for whatever reason and thought they could improve your options. It rarely worked .. usually you want to strangle the meddler. But it never seemed to stop them from really feeling they could accomplish something. Or ... as in my case .... learn something.

HA

I started laughing again.

I Really hate ... Loose Ends

Have I mentioned I have control issues?

And so it was I decided to hunt down the illusive Year Keeper and see just what was up there. Not only in regards to T'zuri but he never came around the First Fires when I was there. It was time to find out why. It was time to see this man for myself instead of hearing all the little whispers about how big and bad and terrible he was.

I am not a man who will suffer something looming over my shoulder. There were some loose ends with T'zuri and the Year Keeper and I meant to tie them up ... all nice and tight.

It was not hard to follow the shock waves to the epicenter of Kazhuye. Or I should say to his wagons .. the origin of his forays into the Harigga where his effect on people rippled far beyond his physical presence.

The man was not as imposing as people would lead me to believe. And he did not realize I was the Ubar either. Which worked fine for me. I do not look like an Ubar. I do not dress like an Ubar. I do not present myself like an Ubar. I never have.

I told him I had come to speak to him of the Singer known by the name of T'zuri. He said T'zuri was not there. I had to smirk. I told him I knew that .. but I had not come to find her but to speak OF her. He asked me if I was drinking. I said yes .. actually I was.

So we shared a bota of paga.

He said he figured T'zuri for moving up to the First Wagons. Then said should I not be speaking to the girl's guardian.

I said yes .. I was aware she was up at the First Wagons. That I was of a bit of second hand knowledge that he had been spending a lot of time with the Singer. That no I was not of the girl's blood but I did have some rights to ask of her for since her father's death I had taken an interest in her well being.

He said she had been around and that he believed that Necessity .. the kaiila ... had ate her pet.

I nodded and said that despite the challenge to my male perceptions by this dire event .. that it was not in fact the reason I was there. I asked him if he had an interest in the Singer .. enough of an interest to perhaps speak of her bride price.

He asked me what I supposed her guardian was asking?

I said I was in a good position to know however my supposition was not worth the synapse power it took to form if he were not indeed interested in the bride price. That I being the curious fellow I was .. one also interested in her well being ... was finding myself curious as to his intentions towards the Singer.

He said she was a pretty gal and if she did not hate him he might be inclined to .. you know.

But I did not know .. and I wanted to know. So I said interested in .. fucking her?

He grinned at me. Not that .. she is my friend I respect her kind of grin either. But he salvaged himself with an admittance he had actually meant "courting" her.

Ah .. this was interesting indeed. So I asked .. being the bastard I am ... So Kazhuye .. what if I told you that I could provide a clear field to the girl without interference from anyone else who might seek her bride price .. would you be interested?

He answered simply ... yes.

So .. I asked ... how long do you think you might need? I would need an estimation only of course .. considering that even as a Spex I would not presume to jest or assume with matters of the heart.

He said he reckoned as long as it took to find another frevet.

I replied that this far North with all the settlements .. it should not be too hard for a man of proper motivation. I told him he would have the time he would need .. to consider himself the only prospect for the girl's bride price until such a time as it was deemed another course of action was necessary.

He said he figured he would have to get around to speaking to her guardian sooner or later.

The smirk was there in my voice as I prepared to leave and I said .. Kazhuye ... unless you have another reason for speaking to the Ubar ... I would not worry too much about doing that until your interests are secured with the girl.

I hear he is a real prick about loose ends.

Of Everything .. and Nothing

T'zuri sat with me on my steps. I pondered why I was all right with her there in my space. I guess it is because I do not feel like she wants anything from me that she is not willing to do without if I say no. That when I say no .. she will still like me and want to be around me and not make me sorry for saying no.

Do I know this to be true? Of course not .. it has not been tested. I have not crushed her in my fist and thrown her away from me in a rage beget by frustration and irritation with my own limitations and flaws. This is why I am not sure what I want to do with T'zuri yet or where she will fit into my life ... if at all. I like that she can rest here in my space and neither one of us turn into a freak. Perhaps that is friendship. I honestly do not know yet.

It answers a basic childish need to be accepted unconditionally. It is something I have never had .. something I still do not believe is real. I am just not completely convinced that it is not real either.

She asked me of the wound. Finally. I wondered why her curiosity had not led her there before. She was too afraid to ask I guess. I told her I did it. She was shocked .. understandably so. I mean .. what the fuck ... right? I told her it did not hurt me much .. but it would not heal. Just a thin cut that seeped bright red drops every once in a while. I told her it had something to do with the Clan and some issues I was having with dreams. She understood none of it of course .. but accepted it without pushing me too far to explain it all. Which I would not even if I could. I did tell her that Cana had given me a piece of what I thought would help. A white feather. I just had not figured out how to use it yet.

She said she wanted to kiss it and make it better. I said .. why do you not then? It was not a challenge .. I told her so. I just wanted to know why ... she had given me the freedom to ask ... so I did. Not like anyone ever kissed my booboos. To my surprise she did so.

Well that went strait over a line for me and I had to make her stop. This would dissolve into a place I was not ready for .. well not ready for in a way she would be ready for anyway. I patted myself on the shoulder for being mature and responsible. Actually .. I waxed completely obnoxious and she had to change the subject ... but that is not how I will retell the story.

From there we spoke of everything .. and nothing. She probed why I did not sleep in my wagon much. We talked of slaves and the differences between slaves and free women ... aside from the most obvious jewelry and position. More how I saw the differences. What I expected from each .. even the differences I saw between the slaves we knew of around the First Fires. She acted like no man had allowed her to explore his vision before. Perhaps no man has .. I am rather open about my view and it is there for the asking to anyone who cares to stop and request it. She cared to do so.

I made mention of free women being jealous of slaves. She said she was not.

I struggled a little trying to find an example that would make it clear. This difference and why I felt free women were jealous of slaves. Now .. she understood this was my view .. my opinion ... I am not a free woman and I have no inside track to every female's brain. that would be a bonus .. something I could really use sometimes ... but I digress.

My opinion .. my view of a reason for jealousy ... was that slaves could get much closer to a man than a free woman ever could. Well .. this man. Because a slave knew I would correct her .. give her a chance to get it right. Mold her to my own perfection of what I wanted and expected. Whereas a free woman had no such expectations of me. I would let a free woman get it wrong and she might never know it. Never realize that she could be doing something better when it came to me. It was an allowance that I gave free women that I would not give a slave. A slave was to be and will be molded to my whims and preferences. She will always know whether or not I am pleased. And if not .. she will be given the means to figure it out. That usually comes out as hands on violence .. harsh. On the surface that looked like I liked free women better than slaves. Those that only look on the surface deserved to get it wrong.

She did not like the idea .. I think ... of the fact she could fail and not know it. The idea is not a pretty one. But that is the way it is. The fact remains that I am very harsh on slaves and it is much easier to spend time with me as a free woman. Easier to get to know me because I do not hold them to any kind of expectations.

Ah .. she admitted to me she had been jealous. I focused on that. Asked her why she had been dishonest with me. She said she had not meant to be .. that she had not figured it out herself until later .. I asked her why then she had failed to admit it at that point. She said she did not know ... was that wrong of her? I told her to ask her heart that ... only her heart could answer that question.

She answered that she felt it was indeed wrong. I told her that as a free woman .. to be wrong was something I allowed without action involved. But as a slave I never would have allowed it. I wanted to give her a practical example of what we had spoken of earlier.

I then asked her why she had told me now? Was it because my own display of immaturity had opened the door for her? Surely I could not judge her for a flaw in character I possessed myself? She said yes .. though she still was not sure I would not be angry anyway ... expect better of her.

I told her I had no expectations for her. I simply looked for who she was. I just wanted to know who she was naturally. I did not want her to mold or try to fit somewhere she did not belong. Do all women want to do that?

She said that was crazy liberating. I watched her soul soar with that. At that moment T'zuri was all free woman. Relishing in no expectations .. no pressure. To know I would understand no matter what she did wrong or when she got it right.

Today T'zuri was my friend. I have no idea if T'zuri will be able to deal with anything more excruciating. It is enough that we spent a few ahn with no sense of time merely enjoying a simple conversation about everything and nothing.

Oh Where Oh Where

T'zuri hit me like a runaway wagon. But it was not a tackle .. it was more of an expiration. Not that I noticed at first .. hit with a female package which melted into my arms like warm butter .. I did the first thing that came naturally .. loosed the mane of hair tangled in my fingers.

Well on my way to making an ass of myself with understandable motivations .. I THEN realized she was weeping.

Oh

Tears .. not good ... sobbing .... even worse. The kiss buried somewhere below my jaw line ... I could be all right with .. wait ..

but this was not about throwing herself at my feet to be subject to whim and fancy.

huh

So this was where I was supposed to pull it together and ask her what was wrong.

sigh

I needed desperately something to do to take my brain off the package so I could concentrate on the reasons the package was in distress so I pulled her over to my steps and had her explain it to me while I threaded a quick braid through her hair .. the precision twists ordered my thoughts ... thank the Sky she did not draw attention to what I was doing or I probably would have pissed down one leg.

Somewhere in the recess of my thoughts I knew I needed to repair what I had undone and at the same time I was wrapping my conscious around a death. Whose death? Who died?

Snooker? Snooker got .. eaten? By Necessity?

Yo .. Necessity? You have a little Snooker on your fang .. right .... there.

Good Sky. I could not help the chuckle .. bastard that I am ... but not so much for the fate of the little critter more so relief that it was only a critter.

I told T'zuri to hang in there .. there was more than one of those little critters hanging around .. the kids even had one ... had seen them with one ... I did not tell her I hoped it was not in fact Snooker I had seen them with. She calmed down .. a little.

I told her I had found some of .. what I realized now ... was Snooker's treasures in my wagon. I told her she could go in there and look for Snooker. I told her it was fine .. I was obviously sitting out here on my steps for the Sky and Oren and Astar to witness. She was compromised in no way .. and the little beast would not come out for me. I hoped she would find him in there .. but there was no sign of him.

"They seek him here, they seek him there.
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in Heaven? - Or he in hell?
That damned illusive Pimpernel."
(from The Scarlet Pimpernel)

I Like my Space

I am a bit confused. I am not sure if this is stress over Saresh mating or if it has something to do with the gravitational pull of the moons .. but Arigh is acting all inside out different with me.

Now I have spoken to the woman. I am her guardian. We have talked and visited and all .. but never has she entered my personal space. Well the other night she did not just enter it she crawled all up in it and got my attention.

First she tackled me. Now the only women that tackle me .. well there is only one now and that is Silken. So it was different just because it was ... different. Then she snuggled all up to me and put her hand on my thigh.

What about that is not weird. Honestly. Has she ever even seen the slaves get that free with me at the main fires? Without getting their head severed or sent away? Where did this come from all of the sudden? She never acted like this before. Ever. Did I do something? Did something happen?

I promised her I would reward her quest. She thought I was joking. Aside from dragging her aside and raping her ass .. what was I going to do? I let it slide. Most of it .. save for her hand on my thigh. That needed to stop if she wanted to keep all her clothes on and her neck free of steel.

I have spoken to Arigh a couple of times since then. Given her a more serious warning. She listened .. I think. She told me she had not meant to offend me .. I knew this. It is why I did not punish her. She asked me if it made me uncomfortable. I said yes .. it does.

She asked me if I liked to be chased.

What? I had to have her explain that one. She told me some men like to be chased .. she wondered if I was one ... if she chased me would I run for cover. I asked her why that was something of concern for her.

She said that she did not know me well but she would like to. If she chased me .. would I run.

Well ... I asked her if she did not think she needed a bit more time after Saresh? Last I knew she was pretty busted up about that one. But I told her .. even if Saresh was not in the picture ... which he had been recently enough for me to say that .... that the best thing she could do was be herself. We could not help but get to know each other. That she should not try to fit what I may or may not like but .. just being her it would be obvious if there was going to be a fit. It either would .. or would not.

She asked me why I keep everyone out of my personal space. I told her that was none of her business. She did not know me well enough to ask that yet .. perhaps some day she would. All she needed to know at this point was to respect it. If she wished me to tolerate her at all that is .. which seemed to be a motivation.

She asked me if I had an answer how to break into it without upsetting the balance. Well I had to smirk. Like I would tell her.

No.

But I did validate that by telling her I would not tell her anyway. I told her there was no reason to give her answers to what she needed to do or not do naturally ... thus negating that "fit" or "no fit" thing.

I have seen Arigh only once or twice since then. She is back to being the Arigh I knew before and she has not acted strange again. Since I know how much she liked Saresh and how much she was hurt by that not working out I of course do not take a thing she said to me about me seriously. Time will tell if Arigh will develop any real interest in another man again.

Here is the World ...

Well. I am sitting here looking at a heart. A heart offered to me by T'zuri .. and as I sit here looking at it clutched in her little hand I wonder what the hell I am going to do with it.

Crazy thing is though she does not mind that I do not know what to do with it. There is some freedom for you. She said I could do anything with it .. anything at all. So I picked the scariest thing I could think of for a free woman to contemplate .. well two actually. What would she do if I mated another free woman? And what would she do if I collared her?

Now I expected all the shock and feigned indignant cheek slapping horror .. I think I planned for it actually. But it did not come. I had to stop and back up because it .. there was something missing. She took it so well. She was willing to talk about anything. View any option without getting all defensive. I was not threatening her .. and she seemed to know it.

She was honest with me .. about her preferences .. her choices and why. I can understand these things. But offered the candy I turned down the chore and explored the "what ifs" while I could. Was she really serious? Was she really that comfortable with her professed love that she would allow me to fit her into my life in any way I chose? Taking any option I thought best? Even slavery?

She was a little surprised .. asking me what she had done to make me talk of a collar. I told her nothing .. nothing at all. Sometimes a man speaks of a collar in regards to a woman because of a desire to possess. Having nothing to do with sexuality .. having nothing to do with punishment. Having everything to do with wanting to wrap her up in a little circle of metal with his name all over it.

Did she understand what it meant to me to even be able to talk about such things with her? And to accept what I had to say with no judgement based on her fears? She did not punish ... take herself away from me just because what I had to say did not always please her. What I had to say was not always nice or flattering. What I had to say was harsh .. real ... degrading on some levels and quite flattering on others. I have heard some say .. ah it would be so easy to do for you Fonce if you would just give me the chance. But I do give the chance .. over and over and it is refused or brushed off or sometimes not even noticed. Sometimes it is made very clear to me that I can not do this.

I told her I was going to kiss her. That it meant nothing more than a kiss. It was the only warning she got. I kissed her .. like I have kissed a thousand women and it was not bad. Not great .. but not bad. I can tell she has not kissed much before. Not that it mattered .. I did not give her much chance to show me anything .... I simply took. And then she one upped me. She returned my rough .. base and primal taste of her with a feminine touch. She stopped what might have turned into a rape .. beyond my control ... and turned it into something else. Something that got the boy's attention and the boy pushed the beast aside for a moment.

She confuses me. I do not know if I want to protect her from me completely and never let her close to me in any way. If I want to protect her as my mate and only let her in so far so that she is treasured and sacred. Untouchable. If I want to strip every cell from her bones and make her my slave and test her love on every level just to see if it is real ... or ... if I actually do not believe a word she says. If I want to grind her beneath my heel for the lies she tells me.

So back to the beginning and the heart. Not just a heart but a world of experience open to me. And though I sit here confused and uncertain about how she will fit into my life ... if at all .... I am able to appreciate the freedom of choice. The definition of love she has laid on the table for me to test to find out just how real it is.

Just Get it .. Over With

I am so tired of hurting people. I am so tired of my harsh ways entering other people's space in such a way that it disturbs their peace. I wish the Sky would just put me out of everyone's misery .. just get it over with.

I do not mean when I intend to do it .. I mean when I do not. Which is a majority of the time.

If I wanted to torture someone I would put on the mask and do bad things with precise and intricate care. Torture is all about control. This was not about control and thus not about torture. It was loss of control .. something I have a real issue with.

I have such an issue with it in fact that it reaches unhealthy levels at times.

I had just bathed .. was pulling my jerkin on and dealing with my hair when T'zuri brought her laundry down to the stream. When I saw her all the things people had been whispering in my ear about how much time she had been spending with the Year Keeper just bloated and rose in the rank septic recess of my temper.

Now .. it would not have bothered me .. or entered my personal space if the Singer had not made a real point of trying to tell me about her feelings for me and how solid they were. I just have this issue ... good Sky another one? .... with people talking shit. Do not say it if you can not back it up and I meant to find out if she could back it up. But it came out all wrong .. I sounded like some spoiled rotten child who just had his first lance taken away for playing too rough with his sister. Someone needed to smack me and tell me to grow up all ready.

But no one did. Least of all T'zuri. She was patient .. long suffering ... and I think she even started to be amused with me. Stupid bitch.

Did she have to be so nice in the face of me being such a immature fuckhead? If a guy can feel the lash any worse than heaping coals on his head .. it is news to me.

I was out of bounds and I knew it ... and I still could not stop.

It was like a fever in my head .. like someone lit up my brain inside my skull while I was still alive.

Which can be done by the way .. I have done it. Very cool effect .. unless you are the one being lit up.

In my frustration over being harsh .. I was harsh yet again. As if an entire night of real examples of my harshness were not enough I had to go and make some more. Once you are digging yourself into a hole might as well keep digging to the other side. Looking up and wondering if you can reach the bit of light shining down just seems a colossal waste of time. Who knows if you can climb .. I sure as hell know I can dig.

I am such an asshole.

Celebration

I got word Saresh was back and asking for me. I went to see him .. he looked all done in. He brought a little forest of tem back with him ... even the red bosk. I had to chuckle ... kudos to him.

Now I have a lot of personal opinions about the carelessness with which Saresh and Mayala handled their affair but at no time have I felt so personally insulted that I had any desire to publicly humiliate either one of them .. or make what they were struggling to get right ... wrong.

Both of them could have made some better choices but fuck .. who can not say that? Especially me? I am far .. far from perfect especially when it comes to women. There is a lot of flirting .. kissing ... teasing and such that I have no issue with between unmated men and women. They are adults and not children. But the spending the night in the wagon thing ... I could not pretend I was all right with. Mayala is just very fortunate that it was her intended mate she got it all mixed up with.

When Saresh presented me with the bride price I accepted it enough to seal the deal but then I gave it back to him as a gift. I could not accept the bride price for something I no longer considered tradable but I was also not going to make what he had struggled to do smaller than was necessary. Why?

Because I can.

There are natural consequences and then there is just being destructive. I felt comfortable .. my point had been made. The rest was not important. This was about their moment and their happiness and what they had found together.

And that called for a celebration.

Kassar Spex

Now .. as if the blanket was not enough to put me over the freak edge some woman came strolling up to the fires and gave blue an order. Who the hell was this? This is the First Fires .. this is my fires ... this is the fires of the Ubar and his family and those he chooses to honor with such a place.

Not only was this woman a Kassar .. but she was a Haruspex. I jumped down from the platform and proceeded to figure out why the hell she was there and feeling so damn comfortable.

Turns out she is a guest of Polunu's. Has been here for hands. I wanted to strangle him at that moment .. well it was a toss up. Strangle Polunu or this Kassar Spex for right about then I was sure I knew why all my plans and everything I had set my hands to for weeks in the Dream War has come to such a disastrous end. Here was the answer .. swaggering in to plop down at my fires and order my slave around. What the fuck.

It is that kind of cheeky attitude that made me suspect that none of the catastrophes of the passed few hands had anything to do with coincidence. Here was a perfect example of what could go wrong sitting right under my nose and I had been oblivious.

I was so furious I could have chewed my tongue off.

Not one person knew it though.

I feel this clamp on my brain like I have never felt before. Pressure points driving into my skull and numbing the cortex. What can be salvaged? What has not been contaminated? Is there any hope of being successful in my quest? Have I learned about this Kassar Spex in time to save it at the last moment? I have a hell of a lot of work to do. Perhaps I have the key now to accomplish something. Was this why I heard my name? Was that some kind of warning? Was the interference .. the cosmic white noise more than just the confusion in my own head?

I can not believe there was a Kassar spex right here .. at my fires ... this entire time. If I was not parnoid before .. I am certainly so now.

Did You Feel .. That?

As if I needed one more example of what a harsh bastard I can be. Blue was sent to serve .. dismissed from my feet. She had spent most of the day locked beneath my boot in one form or another. A very simple dominant thing to do to another human and it can jump start a lot of thoughts. I was interested to see where this simple act would take blue. Unfortunately it took her back into her narrowed state of mind. I may have to find something else to modify her behavior.

I had given her a directive .. when she finished it she returned to my feet and put herself back into my service. At this point she negated my order and chose whether or not she should be dismissed. Once more she was aggressive in her submission and when others arrived at the fire she did not go and do as I had told her to do. I planted my heel right upside her head.

That night I had to do the same thing to raven. If the slaves lose their brain the moment they are at my feet I am going to have to stop them from getting to my feet. Ever. There is no choice when I give a directive .. there is only to follow it and follow it promptly and precisely. My directives are not that difficult. I keep the reins pretty loose compared to some. I am not about ripping the reins through a nostril .. but I will. There just should not be such a need for that kind of action. Not from a slave who has seen the days of her collaring stretch beyond a year. Some things should be innate at that point. Obedience being the first foundation. And yet I am finding that obedience is second guessed .. or confused with something else of which I am not sure.

There is a spirit that I do not wish to break .. but do not get me wrong ... I will drag it around and kick the shit out of it .. beat it to a bloody pulp if I have to.

Both blue and raven seem to need a heavy hand. That irritates me. When I see them get the basics right .. then I will allow this need they have for something more to be addressed. Until then I hold it from them .. they are both caught on the other side of the stream with no way across until they learn how to swim.

What The ...

Things had settled down .. some. It was such a busy day at the Fires .. I had set aside the day for some rest ... and I did get some despite the need for mental alertness through most of it.

I was sitting with Cana on the platform of the wagon .. bell came and curled up at my back and I used her to lean on. Falon and Silken got into it again about collars. I stepped in it again without meaning to .. asking a question that was none of my business but out of curiosity and considering it was being drug all about the fires .. I thought to ask. There was no personal insult there .. it was a "what if" question .. hypothetical .... unfortunately Falon was so defensive she ripped my head off for it and I had to apologize for butting in where I did not belong. I will not speak to Falon of such things again. Ever. I assured her of such. I had no idea I would offend her so much or that she was actually that worked up over what Silken was saying. To my knowledge it was obvious Silken was teasing .. and over the line but that was up to Falon to deal with and demand respect on. My question had nothing to do with whether or not Falon secretly wished to be a slave or secretly put on silks. My question was about her hypothetical opinions of suicide. And what warranted it in regards to herself.

I left Falon and Silken to figure it out and I did not enter their conversation again.

By this time Sakmeta brought me a gift. A blanket. She said it had been embroidered by blue .. but it was a gift from her. I spread it out and then stared at it for a long .. long .... long time.

I am not sure which one of them is connected to this Dream War in such a direct way but it freaked me right the fuck out and I probably seemed all pissed off about it. I am not so much pissed as .. not sure what to do with it. I put the blanket in my spex wagon. Seemed a safe place for it to be. I have no idea what this means ... I will think about it later when it does not freeze my synapses up into little sparkling icicles.

Well That is What I saw ...

When Silken returned with Kam she was sporting a brand new attitude and it was all over the place. She started in on Falon and they got me in the middle. Not that I minded that all so much but I tossed the two of them together much as I had Kai and T'zuri and then Kam and I wagered on the outcome.

Damn but this spar was nothing like Kai and T'zuri. This was a knock-down-drag-out-beat-the-shit-out-of-each-other-and-then-come-for-more .. kind of spar. It cracks me up every time I see Falon get physically aggressive. She hits like a guy. Granted she is not a guy and she does not have the power of shoulders or arm behind it .. but the technique is there and she loses all femininity when she gets pissed off and proceeds to beat the shit out of slave or free. Other times she is very female .. but to see her switch ... I can not help but be amused.

As for Silken I knew she had it in her .. that was no surprise on my part. Those two are going to be hurting for a long time after. No doubt there.

Now people seem to be surprised ... some anyway .... that I do not mind two women going at it. Uh ... why would I? Everyone needs to shed some aggressive energy sometimes and keeping it all bottled up gives your bowls a nasty turn ... so this was all good. Besides .. what guy does not find some sexual pleasure in watching such? Granted .. no one was naked .. there was not enough mud involved ... but I have a very good imagination and I work with what I am given. I am just good like that.

Of Messages and Guardianship

Kam came to the fires. I have not seen him in hands. He looked beat up and tired .. I guess we all look like that most of the time. The crazy thing is ... he told me that Tarra had left a message with him to tell me her and Garyx had left.

He told me he had other things on his mind and had not delivered it.

I told him I was displeased with the entire thing. He said it was his fault. I told him that it was Tarra's decision to not do what I asked and if he had been busy and failed to give me the message .. then her choice in messenger was faulty. And that was her fault. That yes .. I did rest some responsibility on Kam .. but not all of it.

I was a little pissy about the entire thing. I had a reason for asking her to contact me personally before she left. I had a reason for asking it to be made clear to me that Garyx's patrols were handled before he left. I did not wish to have to find out myself or to wait hands to hear it from Kam. What was lost however in the entire thing was personal .. and I could handle it. But I told Kam not to expect me to be happy about it for a bit.

Not like it was plains shattering or that I would hold it against anyone .. I was not. I was just irritated. In a couple of days I would be over it and I would have found another way around what I needed. That is what Tribe family did. They lived and worked with each other even when it was irritating.

There was however something more important I wished to speak to Kam about and I pulled him aside to ask him about Silken's guardianship. She had asked me to be released from Saresh's and put into Kam's. Now I was much more comfortable with that idea .. I have seen Kam handle Silken much better than anyone else but it would have to be with his concent of course. Kam said he wished to speak to Silken before he committed to it. That was more than understandable so I left it to them both to iron it out.

Sometimes it feels like I am climbing some great wall and it is covered in vines and every time I get any ground made one of them gives away and I am sliding back three lengths for every one made.

Damn it .. Not ... Again

Today was just one of those days .. one of those days where everything seems one way and then gets turned inside out and upside down and you realize you have been walking on your hands instead of on your feet.

Surprise surprise .. surprise

Just when I think I am going along just fine it becomes clear to me just what an overbearing asshole I really am. Not always on purpose .. I am just a harsh man living in a harsh world and this is a harsh place on this harsh world and I do not try to make it anything else.

Cana asked me a question about respect. Seems she was upset about someone being disrespected at the fires the night before. That respect should be taught. Without really pausing to think I told her I was sure I would hear about it if it were important but ... I expected that if the person who was disrespected had that much of an issue with it they would have demanded respect from a prospect at the time. This upset her .. she asked me what a person is supposed to do when someone will not listen to them. I said I am rather good at letting someone know when I want their attention and I want it now. If it is important .. I make for damn sure. Now there are ways that are not hands on and there are ways that are hands on. I have driven free women to their knees by their hair .. I have thrown slaves into wagons .... I have drug warriors down from their kaiila and beaten some respect into them. And yet there are a lot of times I let it slide .. but that is because I make a judgement call as to whether or not I feel it is important enough to force the issue. This person obviously did not find it important enough to either force the issue or ask for help in gaining the prospect's respect.

I am rather sure that I upset Cana by my response. It was not intended. I was not holding anyone above her opinions or my opinion of her. I do not even know who this was about or why it upset her to the point that it did .. but once more my harsh view of the world has entered her personal space and I am sorry for it.

I just do not know how to keep that from happening. I am at war with myself for this inability to get close to people without hurting them. I wish ... I wish it were different.

The Alternative

Cana pulled me aside. I stuffed a lot of my irritation down just to be able to talk to her without it spilling over. But she wished to talk about the very subject I was all over irritated with and that just brought it all back to the surface.

She wished to speak to me of Mayala. She wanted to tell me she had spoken to her .. was trying to work with her. So I proceeded to tell her exactly why I was doing what I was doing and that I saw no other option left to me.

When I had laid it out as I found it ... she agreed. There was very little else that I could do. I told her Mayala belonged to Saresh .. unless he for some unforeseen reason threw her back to me and then .. I would indeed collar her. There was no other way it was going to go. That was it.

Either she stepped up to her choices and performed as a free woman and kept her nose clean and made sure Saresh was damned happy with her ... or she would find herself knelt before me in a collar.

I know why that option bothered Cana. I would expect it to. It should bother a woman .. it should bother a free woman who cared for Mayala and wanted the best for her. Women do not naturally wish for each other to fall to the collar. I did say ... naturally.

And Cana is the most natural woman that I know. So I offered Cana something I rarely offer anyone .. the right and place to ask me to reserve my judgement. But given the chance that is not what Cana asked of me. Given the option to rein in the beast she merely asked a favor of me .. one that was so logical and understandable that I nearly fell in the face of it.

It was something I most likely would have done anyway. But I gave her my word that I would do it before any of the more dire consequences were enacted.

I am not sure what I would do without Cana. In the face of so much that makes no sense to me she is my friend .. and I find I can tell her almost anything without her getting defensive and caught up in what it might mean without stopping to see what it really does mean. I do not have many female friends that are not shadowed by their personal motives with me. Cana has none .. other than friendship. I am very thankful for her in my life.

I Have an Idea

Seems Mayala has been carrying around a chip on her shoulder since the day at the stream. Not that was I surprised. But she has no one to blame but herself. I do not babysit women with nose rings. If a babysitter is what they need .. they better get a different guardian.

She has been chapping at a lot of people's asses and .. what happens will be hers to carry with her. I do understand to a certain extent and that is why I allowed her to attack me verbally at the fires. It is why I remained patient .. for much longer than I expected myself to.

But she would not just shut up. She would not stop biting at my ankles. Her nasty mouth just kept on snipping and I finally had enough. I told her I was more than welcome to explain it once more to her .. here ... at the fires. If she continued to accuse me of crimes against her I would most definitely defend myself and that meant .. dragging it all out in detail. She declined .. snapped my head off one more time and then stormed off.

Now it is known I am not a man that will place a collar as punishment on a woman easily. I allow women to speak to me most any way they please until I am tired of it and then I usually walk away. But I have come to the conclusion that I am not a man who will hesitate to gag a woman. The intent and motivation was right there ... and Mayala would have experienced that little adventure if she had not read the warning signs in time.

For now I find her tedious and a pain in the ass. I hope Saresh returns soon.

FONCE

It was a cosmic busy signal. My head was so of full Dream Wars and restless Tuchuk that I had no room for anything else. I was frustrated and irritated with the loss of the woman and the tem. Would I be able to get enough from the larl? Who knew. If not ... then I had lost.

I just want something to go right for a change. I just want a real answer instead of getting shafted over and over and sent on bullshit errands that get me nothing but pasangs under my belt. Pasangs that are taking me further away from my goal and not closer.

Cosmic white noise. Head cluttered. It was just barely that I heard my name. Almost tangible enough to reach out and connect ... but not quite. Perhaps it was irritation and frustration on every level .. especially with everyone of my own Clan. There was not one I did not feel the urge to strangle .. even Tarra. If she had just done what I asked of her.

There was very little use crying over spilled milk. I had done it alone before and I could do it alone again. With the same attitude I had blown off the last few lessons Oren had meant to teach me I picked up my shit and stepped on.

With this much static in my head who ever was trying to reach me better get a bigger drum .. because this boy was lost inside some serious brain hemorrhaging.

Signed .. Sealed ... Delivered

I was making my way down to the stream. The thoughts in my head were scattered and far away from anything I should have been concentrating on. That seems to be a reoccurring theme with me. The energy to contemplate being completely wasted on things that did me absolutely no good at all.

I like to think of myself as a relatively patient man. I put up with a lot of things from people .. over and over. There are men and women at the First Fires I do not even like and yet I tolerate them rather well. I do not form a prejudice against them nor keep them from succeeding because of my personal opinions of them. I allow many low levels of insults to pass by without targeting them for destruction. I think .. yes ... I am a very patient man.

However .. there is a limit to that patience. This great well of maturity does have a bottom and it can be reached. Sometimes much faster than people foresee. Sometimes much faster than even I can foresee.

Today was one of those days. Perhaps my levels of patience were all ready dipped into. But if there is one thing I have a rather large issue with it is people being careless with what belongs to me. Like my name .. my honor .. my word .. my position ... my burdens to the Tribe.

I do not know Mayala well. She has not entered my personal space much either in conversation or in time. But the scene I came upon that morning caused a direct and instantaneous desire to enter her personal space in a hands on kind of way. But being that patient man I sat down and told Mayala it was probably time she and I had a good talk.

She told me some things I was concerned about. Concerned to the point of asking her why she had not spoken of these things to me previously. She said it was not the kind of thing one spoke of to their guardian. My response was swift and solid. Her guardian was the ONLY one safe enough for her to speak of these things to and certainly speaking to the slaves of it was the WORST idea she could have chosen.

As we spoke she let something slip ... something she had done the night before. Sky preserve us both ... she should have kept her blooming bloody mouth shut. But .. she did not. Then she proceeded to dry up my patience with avoiding the answer to my question of whom. It was important .. this whom. I had visions of explaining this to Saresh and I was one hot motherfucking Tuchuk about it. I discovered that Mayala is a passive aggressive shitass. This too contributed to my loss of patience and I finally grabbed her by a wealth of her braids and drove her to her knees before me demanding an answer. Mayala does not in her entirety wish to be a slave ... for she answered me.

She told me .. it was ... Saresh.

I lost it .. no not my patience ... my amusement bubbled up and I could not stop laughing. Saresh? It was Saresh? The relief was felt through every funny bone I have. That pissed her off. I did not care.

I told her this was easy enough to fix. I would simply not take the bride price for something that was no longer ... tradable. She screamed at me that nothing had been lost. I disagreed for it had very little to do with a piece of skin. I was not going to stick my finger in there and find out if she were still a virgin. But none of it mattered to me at this point .. and though I was displeased with them both for cheating the Tribe out of the bride price ... taking something that did not belong to either one of them ... it would not be the first time two people got the wagon before the bosk and things would work out fine considering it was indeed Saresh she had compromised herself with.

She screamed at me some more .. said she was not worthless. I said .. not to Saresh. I thought she would try to claw my eyes out of my head .. which only made me laugh more. I knew only relief at this moment. But she was furious .. incited beyond sane for the idea that I would take no bride price for her. I will not begrudge a woman this materialistic view. For am I not as protective of my name and scars that speak of my worth and honor as a man? A woman strives to earn her worth as a good Tuchuk woman by learning the skills and ways that she may enrich and teach. By keeping her reputation as a free woman as clean as possible. I understand that a bride price is set according to this woman's success in doing just these things. But I had not caused Mayala and Saresh to be irresponsible with other's property. I was not all bent out of shape about it .. but there was a direct natural consequence to their actions. And the negated bride price was it.

I told Mayala she could consider herself .. signed ... sealed .... and delivered.

Don't Open Till ...

Saresh asked to speak to me away from the fires .. private ... it is something I grant anyone let alone one of my commanders. We stepped aside and he started out by telling me he had taken .. claimed ... a couple things and wanted to let me know.

I had to pause. Did the man not know how possessive I could be? Did he not know I would tear him limb from limb if he had dared to take from a Tuchuk what did not belong to him let alone something that belonged to me personally? So I asked him from whom did he take these things .. I told him I was assured he would not steal from the Tribe nor from me. He agreed he would not do such a thing .. I was ... relieved.

He spoke to me of the slave nahera. I informed him she was mine. All the camp slaves are mine. They are bought .. stolen ... or traded for the purpose of serving the camp in my name. To steal a slave from me would not be healthy for a Tribe member. But again I was assured this was not the case. I told Saresh I would trade a good milk bosk cow for the slave. I liked nahera. I actually found much pleasure in the slave when I got a chance to see her. She was worth a lot to me .. both in pleasures offered and in the remembrance of a few. He agreed to trade.

The next thing he said he had claimed .. or wished to claim I should say ... was Mayala. To be his and his alone as his mate. I nodded to this. I speak for Mayala and I gave Saresh her bride price. Even though it will go into the Tribe community wealth and not into my personal gain. I was once again assured by Saresh he would not have thought of stealing this from the Tribe. The bride price was set ... the quest given.

I was pleased to see Saresh getting serious about his future.

Not that being serious does a damn bit of good .. I can testify to that one.

Sky Blue Sky

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn't seem so bad to me now
Oh, if I didn't die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

-Wilco

It was probably more my mood than anything else. It probably had to do with all the things on my mind that frustrated and irritated me .. but blue just set me off one more time.

She told me she had this great revelation to share with me. She told me she had not been a slave at my feet. I wondered briefly what exactly she had been .. but only briefly for I did realize what she meant and no .. no she really had not been. Though I wondered if she really understood what that meant .. or why.

Did she really understand why she could be so frustrating? I doubted it. Unfortunately she decided to push it on a day when I was all ready tired and at the end of my patience.

I did not want to fix anything. I did not want to need anything for her to do to make her feel more like a slave. I did not want to DO anything ... anything at all. But no one asked me what I wanted.

How does a woman serve a man who is in need of nothing at the moment? How does a woman offer her submission to someone who is completely content and at the time requires nothing from her? How does she fulfill her need and desire to be a slave while yet not shoving her submission up someone's ass? Not easy questions to answer despite their appearance to be so. Not easy at all.

I told her not to be aggressive with her submission. I saw I hurt her .. confused her. I saw she did not understand me. I knew I needed to just stop .. stop the heavy hand. But it was too late. I had all ready abused and there was no turning it back now. Which of course frustrated me even more and I told her it was probably best for her to stay clear of me for a while. I mean really ... just walk a wide berth because I am nothing but a grumpy asshole right now. She gave the perfect passive aggressive slave's last words of "yes master" and left. I just dropped my head. There was no winning. There was nothing to do but turn and walk away and perhaps I will have the patience later to explain all of it. But why should I have to?

I know I should be happy that I survived .. that I am here. The families mourn and weep for the two men .. the two Ubar's guards who did not return with me. Guarding me is getting to be hazardous. Why can I not be just happy with that? Why is it that the more strength I regain as I rest and eat .. the more irritated I am with it all? I am literally to the point I can not even stand myself.

And why is it that not one person gets it?