Just Get it .. Over With

I am so tired of hurting people. I am so tired of my harsh ways entering other people's space in such a way that it disturbs their peace. I wish the Sky would just put me out of everyone's misery .. just get it over with.

I do not mean when I intend to do it .. I mean when I do not. Which is a majority of the time.

If I wanted to torture someone I would put on the mask and do bad things with precise and intricate care. Torture is all about control. This was not about control and thus not about torture. It was loss of control .. something I have a real issue with.

I have such an issue with it in fact that it reaches unhealthy levels at times.

I had just bathed .. was pulling my jerkin on and dealing with my hair when T'zuri brought her laundry down to the stream. When I saw her all the things people had been whispering in my ear about how much time she had been spending with the Year Keeper just bloated and rose in the rank septic recess of my temper.

Now .. it would not have bothered me .. or entered my personal space if the Singer had not made a real point of trying to tell me about her feelings for me and how solid they were. I just have this issue ... good Sky another one? .... with people talking shit. Do not say it if you can not back it up and I meant to find out if she could back it up. But it came out all wrong .. I sounded like some spoiled rotten child who just had his first lance taken away for playing too rough with his sister. Someone needed to smack me and tell me to grow up all ready.

But no one did. Least of all T'zuri. She was patient .. long suffering ... and I think she even started to be amused with me. Stupid bitch.

Did she have to be so nice in the face of me being such a immature fuckhead? If a guy can feel the lash any worse than heaping coals on his head .. it is news to me.

I was out of bounds and I knew it ... and I still could not stop.

It was like a fever in my head .. like someone lit up my brain inside my skull while I was still alive.

Which can be done by the way .. I have done it. Very cool effect .. unless you are the one being lit up.

In my frustration over being harsh .. I was harsh yet again. As if an entire night of real examples of my harshness were not enough I had to go and make some more. Once you are digging yourself into a hole might as well keep digging to the other side. Looking up and wondering if you can reach the bit of light shining down just seems a colossal waste of time. Who knows if you can climb .. I sure as hell know I can dig.

I am such an asshole.