Damn it .. Not ... Again

Today was just one of those days .. one of those days where everything seems one way and then gets turned inside out and upside down and you realize you have been walking on your hands instead of on your feet.

Surprise surprise .. surprise

Just when I think I am going along just fine it becomes clear to me just what an overbearing asshole I really am. Not always on purpose .. I am just a harsh man living in a harsh world and this is a harsh place on this harsh world and I do not try to make it anything else.

Cana asked me a question about respect. Seems she was upset about someone being disrespected at the fires the night before. That respect should be taught. Without really pausing to think I told her I was sure I would hear about it if it were important but ... I expected that if the person who was disrespected had that much of an issue with it they would have demanded respect from a prospect at the time. This upset her .. she asked me what a person is supposed to do when someone will not listen to them. I said I am rather good at letting someone know when I want their attention and I want it now. If it is important .. I make for damn sure. Now there are ways that are not hands on and there are ways that are hands on. I have driven free women to their knees by their hair .. I have thrown slaves into wagons .... I have drug warriors down from their kaiila and beaten some respect into them. And yet there are a lot of times I let it slide .. but that is because I make a judgement call as to whether or not I feel it is important enough to force the issue. This person obviously did not find it important enough to either force the issue or ask for help in gaining the prospect's respect.

I am rather sure that I upset Cana by my response. It was not intended. I was not holding anyone above her opinions or my opinion of her. I do not even know who this was about or why it upset her to the point that it did .. but once more my harsh view of the world has entered her personal space and I am sorry for it.

I just do not know how to keep that from happening. I am at war with myself for this inability to get close to people without hurting them. I wish ... I wish it were different.