Sky Blue Sky

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn't seem so bad to me now
Oh, if I didn't die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

-Wilco

It was probably more my mood than anything else. It probably had to do with all the things on my mind that frustrated and irritated me .. but blue just set me off one more time.

She told me she had this great revelation to share with me. She told me she had not been a slave at my feet. I wondered briefly what exactly she had been .. but only briefly for I did realize what she meant and no .. no she really had not been. Though I wondered if she really understood what that meant .. or why.

Did she really understand why she could be so frustrating? I doubted it. Unfortunately she decided to push it on a day when I was all ready tired and at the end of my patience.

I did not want to fix anything. I did not want to need anything for her to do to make her feel more like a slave. I did not want to DO anything ... anything at all. But no one asked me what I wanted.

How does a woman serve a man who is in need of nothing at the moment? How does a woman offer her submission to someone who is completely content and at the time requires nothing from her? How does she fulfill her need and desire to be a slave while yet not shoving her submission up someone's ass? Not easy questions to answer despite their appearance to be so. Not easy at all.

I told her not to be aggressive with her submission. I saw I hurt her .. confused her. I saw she did not understand me. I knew I needed to just stop .. stop the heavy hand. But it was too late. I had all ready abused and there was no turning it back now. Which of course frustrated me even more and I told her it was probably best for her to stay clear of me for a while. I mean really ... just walk a wide berth because I am nothing but a grumpy asshole right now. She gave the perfect passive aggressive slave's last words of "yes master" and left. I just dropped my head. There was no winning. There was nothing to do but turn and walk away and perhaps I will have the patience later to explain all of it. But why should I have to?

I know I should be happy that I survived .. that I am here. The families mourn and weep for the two men .. the two Ubar's guards who did not return with me. Guarding me is getting to be hazardous. Why can I not be just happy with that? Why is it that the more strength I regain as I rest and eat .. the more irritated I am with it all? I am literally to the point I can not even stand myself.

And why is it that not one person gets it?