Here is the World ...

Well. I am sitting here looking at a heart. A heart offered to me by T'zuri .. and as I sit here looking at it clutched in her little hand I wonder what the hell I am going to do with it.

Crazy thing is though she does not mind that I do not know what to do with it. There is some freedom for you. She said I could do anything with it .. anything at all. So I picked the scariest thing I could think of for a free woman to contemplate .. well two actually. What would she do if I mated another free woman? And what would she do if I collared her?

Now I expected all the shock and feigned indignant cheek slapping horror .. I think I planned for it actually. But it did not come. I had to stop and back up because it .. there was something missing. She took it so well. She was willing to talk about anything. View any option without getting all defensive. I was not threatening her .. and she seemed to know it.

She was honest with me .. about her preferences .. her choices and why. I can understand these things. But offered the candy I turned down the chore and explored the "what ifs" while I could. Was she really serious? Was she really that comfortable with her professed love that she would allow me to fit her into my life in any way I chose? Taking any option I thought best? Even slavery?

She was a little surprised .. asking me what she had done to make me talk of a collar. I told her nothing .. nothing at all. Sometimes a man speaks of a collar in regards to a woman because of a desire to possess. Having nothing to do with sexuality .. having nothing to do with punishment. Having everything to do with wanting to wrap her up in a little circle of metal with his name all over it.

Did she understand what it meant to me to even be able to talk about such things with her? And to accept what I had to say with no judgement based on her fears? She did not punish ... take herself away from me just because what I had to say did not always please her. What I had to say was not always nice or flattering. What I had to say was harsh .. real ... degrading on some levels and quite flattering on others. I have heard some say .. ah it would be so easy to do for you Fonce if you would just give me the chance. But I do give the chance .. over and over and it is refused or brushed off or sometimes not even noticed. Sometimes it is made very clear to me that I can not do this.

I told her I was going to kiss her. That it meant nothing more than a kiss. It was the only warning she got. I kissed her .. like I have kissed a thousand women and it was not bad. Not great .. but not bad. I can tell she has not kissed much before. Not that it mattered .. I did not give her much chance to show me anything .... I simply took. And then she one upped me. She returned my rough .. base and primal taste of her with a feminine touch. She stopped what might have turned into a rape .. beyond my control ... and turned it into something else. Something that got the boy's attention and the boy pushed the beast aside for a moment.

She confuses me. I do not know if I want to protect her from me completely and never let her close to me in any way. If I want to protect her as my mate and only let her in so far so that she is treasured and sacred. Untouchable. If I want to strip every cell from her bones and make her my slave and test her love on every level just to see if it is real ... or ... if I actually do not believe a word she says. If I want to grind her beneath my heel for the lies she tells me.

So back to the beginning and the heart. Not just a heart but a world of experience open to me. And though I sit here confused and uncertain about how she will fit into my life ... if at all .... I am able to appreciate the freedom of choice. The definition of love she has laid on the table for me to test to find out just how real it is.