Fonce the Man .. Not the Ubar

I was walking by Saresh's wagon when I stopped to talk to him. We spoke of Mayala briefly. I think he had closed the song on it before I had .. but it was my job to make sure .. as much as I could ... that there was some closure. And do that without the working knowledge of what passed between them that Saresh had.

He was all bandaged up on his arm and I asked what he tangled with. Figured it was a bosk horn or a kaiila fang .. but it was not. It was Saresh. Now this is not something that is new to me .. not my thing personally but I understand it well enough. Some would judge me for that little slit right over my heart and those same people might judge Saresh too .. but those people are not me.

He said he had realized he knew very little about me .. as a man. Now that came as no surprise .. few did really. He asked me why that was and I said it was not my way to shove myself on people. He asked me then what of those that asked and I replied truthfully ... that I gave as much as I could and freely. That I could not think of anything I just would not speak of .. though there were things that were much harder than others ... understandably.

So he started off with a whopper. He asked me what my name meant and how I earned it. Wow. Yes I am quite aware that a man's name is all he is cracked up to be. Everything he is and everything he aspires to become. We earn our names .. and that is why I never fuck with them. But it was still odd that he asked me of mine .. no one ever has before.

I told him the truth .. I do not know what my name means. That is hard for me to admit. I think it comes from another language and another place ... it meant something to my father I believe and I try to live up to it and give it honor and courage but the origin of it is lost to me. These things I told him ... though it was not easy.

As for how I earned it ... I had killed a Kassar commander. Now it was not as bold and amazing as it sounded ... probably more of an accident ... but that is how I earned it.

Then he asked me a question that took me back some. He asked me my opinion on why he was not successful as a mate. Now I had not remembered the first .. it was a long time ago. But Mayala? I told him hell .. I would have had to give him a rainbow of scars if he had pulled that one off. I could not get along with her at all and ended up wanting to kill her three times over simply for a conversation at the fires. Now I told him I did not mean to speak ill of her after she was gone .. but since I had spoken ill of her while she was here I guessed it was all right. I was not saying anything to Saresh that I had not said to her .. that woman drove me insane.

I kind of went off then .. about Mayala. Got into a rut and just let it spill and he then apologized to me for not handling it sooner. The situation. Now I sort of felt bad for going on and on and I told him how I felt.

I told him that as much as I would like to say it is all about control .. and that I would have done so much better than him ... truth be told I have never been in love with a woman ... never had a mate ... so who am I to judge? It is a hard thing I think .. to balance control and caring for a woman. To appear a man strong and dominant and in control of your woman and at the same time care for her ... love her. And live with every decision that you make regarding her. Knowing it will effect the very fabric of your relationship with her.

A man who does not think carefully about that .. simply does not care.

I walked away from Saresh feeling as if my guts had all been laid out to be examined. Spoken of with logic and detached wisdom. It is not often someone asks me about me .. or for that matter ask me questions about themselves that spark a lot of introspection. Saresh did both today.