Caress

"Don't you know this tale
In which all I ever wanted
I'll never have
For who could ever learn to love a beast?

However cold the wind and rain
I'll be there to ease your pain
However cruel the mirrors of sin
Remember beauty is found within

...Forever shall the wolf in me desire the sheep in you..."

-Nightwish

It is not something that I try to do. But it is something I am rather good at. Unfortunately. When something is bothering me I am a wounded Kur when it comes to trying to get to me. That means close to me or through to me .. either one. I am a good listener .. I am an excellent source of wisdom .. if ... I say if ... I am comfortable. Otherwise there is only one thing on my mind and that is what is making me not comfortable. And I am going to worry it like a sleen with a bone until it stops bothering me. Either I solve it .. or I give up and walk away from it. But as long as it is there ... and I am there ... good luck trying to find me without my hackles up.

I was bristling all over today after my talk with blue. My talk .. more like my ripping her so many new assholes I would not know where to start to fuck her in one of them. Choices.

I was furious .. enraged ... puzzled ... irritated ... and a few other negative adjectives thrown in for flavor. I wanted to destroy something .. break it apart and tear it to shreds and what came bouncing across to me from my wagon? T'zuri.

I was not signed up for dancing and happy today. I growled at her and crouched by my small fire. Beware .. dangerous ground. I will give her credit .. she got it pretty fast that I was not in the mood for frivolity. My spines so thin and razor sharp they severed sound from thin air and it fell in sharp strained pieces all around us.

She snuggled up next to me and asked me what had me bent so out of shape and twisted sideways. I told her blue pissed me off. She asked me how .. and I told her she did not want to know .. just back off and I would get over it. Usually that works.

Big surprise it did not. Should know by now.

She shifted all around inside her little bundled up crouch next to mine .. not enough to invade my space just enough so I was more than aware she was there and ... in motion. Have I said she reminds me of Mezoo's jit? Let me say it one more time. I want to strangle that monkey too.

She said she really did want to know. I demanded she tell me why if she wanted me to believe her.

She said she needed to know so she could decide if she needed to go leap on her like she did Arigh. This said as she slid her little fingers over and between mine. I chuckled despite my anger.

I told her I had a conversation with Cana .. and blue made herself a part of it. I did not tell her what the conversation was about. It was still too raw and personal for me. Too hard to talk about with anyone. Which is the main reason that I ripped blue's head off for trying to talk to me about it. That and she really did have no idea what she spoke of. None at all. Not even T'zuri could give me a valid opinion on it. Even she had never known that side of me. Perhaps that is why I am dragging my heels so much in making her .. la kajira. Wrapping my head around it all.

I know it is irresponsible of me not to shove her one way or the other. I know in my indecision of the matter I am creating problems I will have to deal with later .. but now tell me whose business is it but my own? Not even T'zuri's at the moment .. she gave up the right to demand anything the moment she submitted to my will. My will ... not hers ... and certainly not anyone else's. This is my picture I am painting and to hell with anyone who does not like the way I am doing it.

I am still bristling.

I am not really sure how she molded and flowed around me like some kind of liquid. It seems I must prick and poke her. My thoughts and words so sharp and cruel. How can she not bleed? She is so naive and tender .. how can she not be wounded for it all? I do not mean half of it .. at least not as harsh as it comes out of my mouth. I wish had words when I am angry. Good words .. instead I have only razor sharp ends that seem to carve and puncture.

The crazy thing is .. when I look in her eyes and I see myself there it is like she does not remember any of the bad stuff .. like it does not stick to her. Like she never even sees it. And instead of lulling me into some kind of self denial .. that it really does not exist. I want to be better for it.

Not just with her .. but with everyone. Do they realize what she does for them? Do they understand how it effects them too? Would they care if they did? Or am I really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

That begins to wax even too deep for me.

Bottom line I felt better for the few moments I spent with T'zuri by my fire. I suppose that is really all that matters. I did not have to vent or rage about another person to feel that way .. I did not have to tell her all that made me uncomfortable about my conversation with Cana .. she did not have to crawl all up in my shit and know what happened. I just needed to know someone gave a wild fuck that my fur had been ruffled the wrong way .. and in caring ... could still respect my space.