Figures

There are times I enjoy when I speak to someone and for a few moments I forget that I am the Ubar. For a few moments I forget my name is Fonce .. commander of the greatest people upon the Great Plains. I forget that I am supposed to be mature .. old ... wise despite my youth. I forget that I lost my own childhood and it is uncontrolled .. wandering here somewhere inside of me. For those moments I feel like my childhood and my real age come together like normal. Instead of being two such separate entities.

Someone that does not seek something from me .. but seeks me. Just me. Not the Ubar .. not the Spex ... not the master .. not the cock ... just me. How I feel about things .. what I want ... without taking some kind of personal interest in it.

It is good to relax. To not feel the burden of my responsibilities that weigh upon my shoulders.

Not that I would ever set those things aside .. or want to live without these things for they are all a part of my identity. I am the Ubar .. I am Fonce of the Tuchuk ... I am a wise Commander despite my youth .. I am a Haruspex ... I am a master ... and I am rather partial to my cock.

But appreciating who I am does not take away the pleasure of a few moments where none of it matters.

The simplistic reality of it all is that I really do want to be a good person. I really do want to be a positive influence and force upon things and people around me. I really do not want to be a failure. To constantly struggle with interpersonal relationships and suffer the consequences of being so harsh and unforgiving. I want to believe that all I have ever preached or believed about love really could be true. Despite the fact that I have lost my faith and I am no longer convinced. I do not want to be devastated and disappointed in people when they are weak and afraid. I do not want to be devastated and disappointed with me .. when I prove I am one of them. I want to be different .. I want it to work. I want someone to understand. I want someone to see what I see .. know what I know ... experience what I have .... and then tell me they still believe. Tell me they still want to try. Can they? Will they? Who can stand with me?

Why does the simple attraction to someone who is untainted by it all cause me to want to taint them? Must I drag every star from the Heavens to rest beneath my heel? Must I soil every bright thing just because I want to hold it close to me for a moment? Must I test every good and right principle to see if it is indeed strong enough to withstand truth?

Once you hold such a powerful and destructive weapon as truth .. how do you sheath it? How do you dull it enough to preserve instead of kill?

Why is it that I must burn away the least little lie. Can I not let a few exist so that people can be comfortable around me? Why must I rip and tear them to shreds to reveal the sinew and bone. Let them see things with their lids peeled back to the socket leaving the globe exposed and unable to resist?

Am I so afraid I am really alone? Am I that fearful there is no one who would .. could be me? That I am some freak of the universe .. a product of my environment .. an environment I can never recreate to allow another to visit my thought process?

So much for those moments where I forget who I am.