Of Everything .. and Nothing

T'zuri sat with me on my steps. I pondered why I was all right with her there in my space. I guess it is because I do not feel like she wants anything from me that she is not willing to do without if I say no. That when I say no .. she will still like me and want to be around me and not make me sorry for saying no.

Do I know this to be true? Of course not .. it has not been tested. I have not crushed her in my fist and thrown her away from me in a rage beget by frustration and irritation with my own limitations and flaws. This is why I am not sure what I want to do with T'zuri yet or where she will fit into my life ... if at all. I like that she can rest here in my space and neither one of us turn into a freak. Perhaps that is friendship. I honestly do not know yet.

It answers a basic childish need to be accepted unconditionally. It is something I have never had .. something I still do not believe is real. I am just not completely convinced that it is not real either.

She asked me of the wound. Finally. I wondered why her curiosity had not led her there before. She was too afraid to ask I guess. I told her I did it. She was shocked .. understandably so. I mean .. what the fuck ... right? I told her it did not hurt me much .. but it would not heal. Just a thin cut that seeped bright red drops every once in a while. I told her it had something to do with the Clan and some issues I was having with dreams. She understood none of it of course .. but accepted it without pushing me too far to explain it all. Which I would not even if I could. I did tell her that Cana had given me a piece of what I thought would help. A white feather. I just had not figured out how to use it yet.

She said she wanted to kiss it and make it better. I said .. why do you not then? It was not a challenge .. I told her so. I just wanted to know why ... she had given me the freedom to ask ... so I did. Not like anyone ever kissed my booboos. To my surprise she did so.

Well that went strait over a line for me and I had to make her stop. This would dissolve into a place I was not ready for .. well not ready for in a way she would be ready for anyway. I patted myself on the shoulder for being mature and responsible. Actually .. I waxed completely obnoxious and she had to change the subject ... but that is not how I will retell the story.

From there we spoke of everything .. and nothing. She probed why I did not sleep in my wagon much. We talked of slaves and the differences between slaves and free women ... aside from the most obvious jewelry and position. More how I saw the differences. What I expected from each .. even the differences I saw between the slaves we knew of around the First Fires. She acted like no man had allowed her to explore his vision before. Perhaps no man has .. I am rather open about my view and it is there for the asking to anyone who cares to stop and request it. She cared to do so.

I made mention of free women being jealous of slaves. She said she was not.

I struggled a little trying to find an example that would make it clear. This difference and why I felt free women were jealous of slaves. Now .. she understood this was my view .. my opinion ... I am not a free woman and I have no inside track to every female's brain. that would be a bonus .. something I could really use sometimes ... but I digress.

My opinion .. my view of a reason for jealousy ... was that slaves could get much closer to a man than a free woman ever could. Well .. this man. Because a slave knew I would correct her .. give her a chance to get it right. Mold her to my own perfection of what I wanted and expected. Whereas a free woman had no such expectations of me. I would let a free woman get it wrong and she might never know it. Never realize that she could be doing something better when it came to me. It was an allowance that I gave free women that I would not give a slave. A slave was to be and will be molded to my whims and preferences. She will always know whether or not I am pleased. And if not .. she will be given the means to figure it out. That usually comes out as hands on violence .. harsh. On the surface that looked like I liked free women better than slaves. Those that only look on the surface deserved to get it wrong.

She did not like the idea .. I think ... of the fact she could fail and not know it. The idea is not a pretty one. But that is the way it is. The fact remains that I am very harsh on slaves and it is much easier to spend time with me as a free woman. Easier to get to know me because I do not hold them to any kind of expectations.

Ah .. she admitted to me she had been jealous. I focused on that. Asked her why she had been dishonest with me. She said she had not meant to be .. that she had not figured it out herself until later .. I asked her why then she had failed to admit it at that point. She said she did not know ... was that wrong of her? I told her to ask her heart that ... only her heart could answer that question.

She answered that she felt it was indeed wrong. I told her that as a free woman .. to be wrong was something I allowed without action involved. But as a slave I never would have allowed it. I wanted to give her a practical example of what we had spoken of earlier.

I then asked her why she had told me now? Was it because my own display of immaturity had opened the door for her? Surely I could not judge her for a flaw in character I possessed myself? She said yes .. though she still was not sure I would not be angry anyway ... expect better of her.

I told her I had no expectations for her. I simply looked for who she was. I just wanted to know who she was naturally. I did not want her to mold or try to fit somewhere she did not belong. Do all women want to do that?

She said that was crazy liberating. I watched her soul soar with that. At that moment T'zuri was all free woman. Relishing in no expectations .. no pressure. To know I would understand no matter what she did wrong or when she got it right.

Today T'zuri was my friend. I have no idea if T'zuri will be able to deal with anything more excruciating. It is enough that we spent a few ahn with no sense of time merely enjoying a simple conversation about everything and nothing.