No Touchie

It is not that I do not like people. Not at all. I would find life very boring and lonely without people. I have always watched them from a distance .. it was much safer that way ... and I am just not used to them coming into my space for anything positive. Now I do not flinch and shy away any more. I have carved a place for myself and I am rather confident in that place and I will scrap to keep it. But my skin still prickles and tries to crawl out from under any touch that I am not in control of.

I have been to Healers and I have had my share of stitches and bandages and pokes and prods. And I do this out of necessity and I get away from it as soon as I can. And I can say I do not look fondly upon my time spent in a Healer's hands. But I do like to live and breathe and I am not done with my life yet so I tend to suffer these things when they are required.

So when Kai asked me if she could kiss my cheek .. I told her no. Ask me and I will have time to think it over and tell you .. no. Surprise me and you will probably get away with it .. at least if you are free I might not rip your head off. I explained that to Kai and she said she knew how I felt .. felt a lot the same way herself and she would wait for my invitation. Now I appreciate that level of respect .. I do ... but the hard fact about it is that I will probably never invite something like that. Not without a lot of changes in my personality. It is possible of course .. I learn and grow every day but .. the probability is small. The stuff of good wagers I suppose.

Kai told me she had learned a lot about herself on her quest. Now Kai says that every time she comes back .. so I will believe it when I see it. But for her sake I hope she is right this time. I hope her own soul searching has led her to some answers that she needed. She says that it has and that she understands the things I said to her now. Again .. I do not have a lot of faith in that from anyone .. so time will tell. It is good to see her around again ... I hope she is happy to be Home this time and that it fulfills whatever it is that she is looking for.

Bell also wished to speak to me and when given the chance she told me that she had missed me. She said she learned that also. I am not sure what it is with women and why they have to take themselves off into some outside space to learn about themselves. What is missing from our lives here that does not teach them these things? Or is it me? Must they get away from me before they can learn these things? "Here let me slip this blade between your ribs and give it a twist .. so that I can learn what you mean to me." And I thought I was dysfunctional.

Just brings me back to the point that people should just keep their distance from that personal side of me. No Touchie. It will be the worst thing that ever happens to you .. and if not for you? It will be for me.

No Thank You.

Centrifugal Exposure

It had rained during the night. A light misting that did nothing more than lay a thick dew on everything. As soon as the Central fire rose I knew the ground would soak up all the moisture as if there had been none. But for now the ground and grass smelled wet and fresh .. birds and insects were behaving like spring and noisily busy.

I rolled the ground sheet and reminded myself to lay it out to dry later. I threw the saddle on Pekoe and swiped my hand over the leather to shed as much water as I could from it before I swung up.

Back at camp Oren asked me if she could take date to the verr herd .. there were three females due to birth and that was just a little more than Oren felt she was up to and raven was busy with flags and ribbons. I told her of course and then went about figuring where I needed to pitch in to make up for date not being available. I decided to do my own laundry .. something I did on most occasions but date had actually been doing it lately. I strode with it down to the stream hoping the misting the night before had not muddied up the water .. I was fortunate that it was indeed clear and cold.

I stripped to the waist .. no reason to waste the opportunity to do as much laundry as possible ... and then proceeded to do the task. I was nearly done with it when T'zuri showed up. It did not bother me to see her .. I had drank quite enough of that bottle the other night. But she started mucking with my bloody laundry and if there is one thing to shove me directly out of peace .. muck with my shit. I felt all exposed and naked .. and I actually do not mind being physically naked in front of a woman .. I do not have a shred of decency in me ... but this was my laundry and not for her to see all laid out there and .... well.. exposed. I finally got exasperated with her .. she is worse than Mezoo's jit monkey... and asked her what the hell she wanted from me. She said she just wanted me to have some fun .. to play a little. What in the hell is with this woman .. she wants me to talk and have fun and play? She is going to drive me insane. And I told her so .. I also told her she did not want to get me started. She wondered what I meant by that ..

It got me to thinking too. Just what do I mean by that? Why is it so hard for me to exist close to people. I mean I get along all right with my people .. as well as can be expected anyway. I do not ask for perfection. But none of them get close to me. It made me think of centrifugal force. When something spins and throws energy outward .. like a top. It spins along just fine until it bumps into something and then things go all to hell. That is how I feel. Like when Falon or Shaningo touches my shoulder. Or when T'zuri keeps teasing. And I do not like it. I feel this loss of control .. like I am close to something I have never experienced before and that is when things go all wrong. If they would just stay on their side of things and leave me on mine. Let me exist comfortably in my spin .. even if it is throwing everything away from me I am not sure I know how to exist any other way. And there sure is a lot of "out of control" between the spin and the stop. The kind of "out of control" that people do not survive through. And the things that bump me are when people get close to me. When I feel things .. emotions. Any of them ... that is why I do not play .. that is why I do not have female friends that are close to me. I have no desire to fall in love with the wrong woman. My love is dysfunctional enough.

At that point I had thought myself into more confusion and I just let it go. I do not know if what I said to T'zuri made any sense. I do not know if she got it .. if she did she needs to explain it to me. She did say something to me that made sense and eased my mind a little .. that her tears were about not getting things right all the time. But she did not mind them .. she still wanted to figure it out. Why was I so selfish and demanding that she not get hurt or have the chance to learn from her mistakes? I still do not like it. I still told her my promise stood whether she liked it or not. I still do not like my laundry touched while it is exposed and I am still spinning away with no change foreseen in the near future.

But at least I do have clean clothes.

From Girl to Woman

Sakmeta found me at the stream and so did Kai and the slave blue. I was playing with my flute again .. but none seemed to mind. Sakmeta asked me for a request. I told her she could ask one of me and she leaned to whisper it into my ear. Now a woman whispering against your ear can not be a bad thing and I enjoyed every moment of it. The whispering ...

She told me she needed her ring so she could pay a debt of a kiss. Well ... sounded damn important to me. I certainly would want to get paid if it were I .. so I asked her of whom she owed this serious debt.

She did not want to tell me .. I asked her how badly she wanted my help. She wanted it rather badly because she coughed up the name of the Year Keeper. Now I have not met the Year Keeper yet but I have heard of him and a more arrogant impatient Tuchuk I have not heard of in a long time. Which of course made me think he was a perfect Tuchuk .. to fit right in with the rest of us arrogant bastards. Anyway ...

There was nothing for it but to tease the shy bird Sakmeta .. mostly because it is too much damn fun to resist.

I asked her .. if she realized she was fair game after she had her ring .. what would she do if I mated her? She told me pertly that the women would most likely slit her throat in the night .. and I laughed ... as if the women have any say in who I mate. But her answer was cute and amused me as she side stepped my teasing. I asked what I got out of the deal. Where was my cut? She told me pertly .. again ... that she would make sure I got a kiss.

I laughed again .. I know Tuchuk. I asked her who she was going to get to kiss me and she was quite put out that I knew exactly what she had in mind. She said blue .. which was much better than I expected for I figured it was going to be some greasy fat kettle slut. I asked Kai if she would do the ringing and to make sure that Sakmeta was ready .. though I figured if Sakmeta's mother had sent her to me she was indeed ready.

Noya had called across the fires to me to ask of Mayala's ring. I told her that Mayala was indeed ready and that it only awaited Noya's time and consent to be placed.

Two more women who have stepped from girl to woman. I am starting to feel old.

An Old Well Savored Vintage

So what happens in a moment like that? A man takes several steps back because he is standing on ground he should not be on .. thinking thoughts he should not be thinking. For whatever reason. It was not the first time I have tied the flaps over a window and shifted my thinking about a woman. It actually happens a lot .. in different ways.

Perhaps she gets claimed .. out of respect for both her and the guy who mates her .. you do not see that woman in the same light today as you did yesterday. It is just .. different. And that is just one example.

I have done this with many women .. Kai and Falon included for different reasons.

Once a man takes those steps back .. well at least this man ... he does not approach again unless something changes. Some event .. some conversation ... something that cracks the shell around that particular perception. It is not a negative thing .. far from it. It is indeed a positive one and done in the best interests of another with the added benefit that what is done in the best interest of those around us in the long run makes our own lives simpler and much more peaceful.

And so it was that I took up that old familiar vintage of apathy and started swigging strait from the bottle.

I told her that she was a good girl. Well that pissed her off even more and here I thought I had inspired her heights all ready .. I was wrong. But I did not mean it as a bad thing. I meant it as a compliment. No .. I was not going to take advantage of her but she thought I was and acted accordingly .. I wanted to compliment her not just as a man but as her guardian. She was spot on track and I wanted to give her credit for it. She said she was having trouble hearing me .. because when a woman is angry sometimes she shuts off her hearing. I know that for a fact though it was good to hear it spoken of from the lips of the kaiila. She asked me if a man shuts off something when he is angry. I said yes .. she asked what? I said ..

everything.

That is when she asked me how I felt about my life.

Huh.

Not only was that too vague to even wrap my brain around .. I had just started the pickling process of my vitals and feeling was not exactly where I was at. I answered her questions but .. I am sure the answers were not exactly what she was looking for .. if she was actually looking for feelings. At this point it was not going to be easy to get at my feelings any time soon without some real intervention and prohibition for the heart and soul.

She was pert and sassy still feeling the rush of her temper. She said she was not going to tell me how she felt any more because she had done it enough. Now by this time I was almost all the way through the bottle and sucking the worm through my teeth .. and I smiled ... and I said ..

as you wish T'zuri.

After she left and I strode off down stream I glanced at my hands in the moons light and turned them over studying the calluses and scars. They looked white and intense against my dark skin in the silver hue .. hideous and cruel. Strong .. but good for nothing more than hard work and skilled labor. I could kill with these hands .. in more ways than one.

I was going to need another bottle.

Under Glass

"if I could but just save one ..."

I hurt her. I hurt her and I was not even trying to this time. She thought I was going to rape her. I was not. The thought was not even in my head .. well ... it is never far from my head with anyone but I can say it was not in my top five thoughts anyway.

I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose if you threaten something it could pop into someone's brain more easily than it might otherwise. I suppose I am the one that planted that fear in her head and now I am paying the consequences .. or rather she did.

I was not even angry .. which I would have had to be to inspire such a thing as rape of a Tribe woman. She pulled her blade on me and that amused me .. good for her. Even if she was dead wrong about what my intentions were .. I was pleased she was on top of defending herself.

But I seem to have stomped all over her vision or .. idea ... or ... anyway I bruised something tender and fragile. Like grabbing a velvet new bud of flower and scarring the petals before they even have a chance to feel the heat and light of the Central Fire. I am not sure how I did something so harsh .. but I know me and I am not really surprised that I did. I seem to do this a lot. Usually the worst when I am not even trying to.

Then she started to cry. Now .. that is the quickest way to piss me off which starts that nasty spiral to anger enflamed actions that I tend to look back on at least with a modicum of regret. Well it would have if I were closer or more emotionally tied to T'zuri than I am. Fortunately for her it only caused irritation and I gave her my word it would not happen again. I would not ever cause her to wonder or fear me. I would never touch her in an aggressive manner .. I gave her my word.

Fortunately for her .. her tears only inspired a desire to protect her from myself and did not inspire the other option.

She asked me why we could not just talk. I was talking .. I said of course T'zuri what would you like to speak of? I guess she meant talk while she is there and I am over here. I can do that.

In that moment I placed T'zuri in a nice glass safe place. A place where there was no more darkness .. no more fear .. no more boogie men in the night ... at least from me. There is a wall between my darker self and her fragile petals of experience. I do not give my word lightly. It will never happen again.

Two for One

In my attempts to have most of the clans represented here in the First Wagons I went to the Drummers and asked for them to send a prospect Drummer up to the First Fires as a prospect. I am tired of sending messages here and there and not having one close .. my own connection so to speak.

Well .. as it happens I am not going to get just one but two. Twins. Sky help us. I have no idea if the plains are going to survive these two. Or if I will for that matter.

I spoke with one of the boys. The younger I believe though .. I could be mistaken for I get them mixed up. I had to grin for he is full of life and energy and there is a rhythm that pulses through all he does.

Whether or not he and his brother will be the kind of men that the First Wagons needs I do not know yet. I do however have a good wager set that it will be memorable enough for the Year Keepers to take notice.

Stand .. Deliver ... and Cough

I have never personally witnessed a free woman handle more male genitalia than I did today. How Shi puts up with it I will never be able to guess. It takes a certain kind of man to be that all right with his mate that he will let her do such in public. Go Shi.

Not only did she examine Ba'atar's balls but also the other prospect's .. Talon. And Saresh of course who stood and delivered strictly volunteer. Now for me to enjoy such there would have to be a hell of a lot more naked female flesh than there was.

Is this what healers do? Would I be all right with that? Even if it were not in public .. would I be all right with it?

I can not answer that right now. I do not know. I know I would not be all right with my mate doing it in public. That I do know. If she is going to feel up men because that is her Clan and her duty .. it certainly will not be a show for everyone else. But .. now I am not so sure that I would be all right with it at all. It was a rather "in your face" example and though it was done all in fun to torture the prospects .. it still left me deep in thought about my own preferences. Not anyone else's preferences .. not what works for Shi and Silken or anyone else ... just for me. I am realizing how much of a private man I am and how much I enjoy that privacy .. both for me and the person I want to spend time with. I do not want other men to think of my mate in that way .. or to know how her fingers feel on their cock.

I really had not thought about it until now. I really enjoyed that free and easy give and take of sexual innuendos at the fires. But how would I feel if it were my mate saying those things? In front of other men .. and making them wonder .. just how she would be. I must give this more thought. I do not have the answers yet. For now it is all good .. I do not feel possessive or protective of anyone. But what if I did? Fuck I just need to stop thinking about it all.

In the mean time the sexual double talk still goes on and we all enjoy it and if there is a slight hesitation on my part .. it is just the quest for answers in my own head about my own preferences and what that will mean .. or not mean ... to me in the future.

Sharper the Sting .. The Sweeter the Honey

Cana .. the victorious. I have never seen more pride and satisfaction on the face of any warrior than I did on Cana's features after she brought back her bounty of honey. She was stung all over and yet I do not think she minded so much. And the honey was all that sweeter for the trouble that I know it took to get it.

Perhaps I am prejudiced. It was honey after all.

I got my very own jar and proceeded to decimate it myself and I did not share a bit of it with anyone. Well .. that is not true. Patch got some. Of course I think he left more on my pant legs than he did inside his belly. But a kid has to start somewhere.

Patch seems to be good for Ina .. as I am sure Tarra predicted when she suggested the match. I did have to remind Ina that it was better to ask a man to help her with such a climb as she attempted on her wagon than to risk her own life which was not her's any more. And I was not speaking of the claim Oson has on her .. but the claim that is held by Patch. Who would take care of Patch? Was it fair to risk the loss of yet another parent? That said .. we all do things we think is necessary when the great grand picture of it is that we are not asking the help of those we chastise when they do not ask our help. It is a lesson we all need to learn .. not just Ina.

I was very pleased to find a pouch of honeyed nuts and three more jars of honey left to me. Cana knows how to take care of me that's for sure. I am very thankful. I actually had enough honey that I could not eat it all in one day. That has never happened to me before. I actually made myself a little sick I think. Damn that felt good.

A fine and pleasant misery .. indeed.

Those Ties That Bind

As I worked and braided the leather many things not only came to mind but came to pass. Things that reminded me of Tribe and family and all that means. It was very .. apropos ... that I was weaving leather together to make it stronger.

A couple days ago I came to sit at the fires and saw Ina climbing over the top of her wagon to repair a tear in the leather. I asked her why she was doing this .. she said Oson was gone and there was no one else to do it.

Silken came to the stream today and said she had trouble with Shi. That he was moving too fast for her and that she thought of him as a brother .. a friend and not as a mate. Now this is a problem .. or at least I would think it was a problem. Why had she not spoken of this and asked someone to intercede for her? She said it was not my problem .. nor was it Tarra's problem or Falon's problem or Cana's problem.

I have heard words spoken lately. Many words. Words about prospects and family and about what it means to be of the First Wagons. That First Wagon Tuchuk are no different than last wagon Tuchuk. That First Wagon Tuchuk are Family .. with a capital F. How is it that people forget their own words so quickly? How is it that it can mean one thing without the flip side of the coin also being part of the coin?

Yes .. the First wagon Tuchuk are no different than the last wagon Tuchuk. They are simply a family. Brought together by the Ubar as a family to work together .. play together and to be leaders and Elders of the Tribe. Are they different? No. Are they better? No. Does the rest of the Tribe serve them? No. The First Wagons serve the rest of the Tribe. The First Wagons are the organizers .. the overseers ... the ones responsible for keeping peace and making sure that this great nation of people keeps moving and functioning. Some might see the First Wagons as a type of royalty. I do not. I see them as the ministers .. the ones working and filling in the gaps to ensure a better way of life for everyone. You do not need special blood to be of the First Wagons .. you just need to have a drive to be family.

So what does it mean to be family? This from a man who has never had one? Well to me it is about being there for one another. Not always getting along and rarely even liking each other .. but still being there for each other no matter how you feel. When there is a problem .. working it out or doing your best to do so. Some wonder why I allowed T'zuri to be part of the First Wagons when she had trouble with Tarra and with Kam. My answer to that .. should anyone have the balls to ask me instead of just bitching ... is that T'zuri showed in all things she was willing to work to get along. Even when she did not get it right at first.. She was willing to go out of her way to make things right after. She was willing to apologize when she was wrong .. she was willing to learn a new view when she did not think she was wrong and respect an Elder even if she did not think they were right. She never bad mouthed .. she returned to try again and again to make things work. Never once did she by word or deed try to tear the group of us apart or separate by ideas or to cause gossip or rumor to do so. In fact she stuck up for those that spoke against her .. defended them in spite of their anger with her and her confusion and frustration with them. That is what it means to be family. Not being popular .. not being easy to get along with. If that were a requirement half the First Wagons would have to leave. It is all about trying to be there .. doing for each other no matter how you feel and what you think of that person's personality. Fighting for each member whether you like them or not. This is what it means to be Tuchuk .. even more so what it means to be of the First Wagons.

So whose responsibility was it to help Ina fix the tear in her wagon leather? Everyone's. Whose responsibility is it to make sure she has fresh meat and the bosk are taken care of while Oson is gone? Everyone's. Whose responsibility is it to care about Silken and to help her with what she needs to do and where she needs to go? Everyone's. Whose responsibility is it to help Sakmeta with her family and their needs and her time constraints that take her away from the First Fires sometimes? Everyone's.

Chay asked me how many times we remind those of our family that we are there for them when they do not listen. My answer is ... as long as we are family. It never stops.

No the First Wagon Tuchuk are not better than any other Tuchuk. First Wagon Tuchuk are those interested in getting braided together for better or worse as a family interested in the betterment of the Tuchuk as a Tribe over their own personal gain... and all that whether they like each other or not.

Recreational Bird Watching

I have been restless .. grumpy and distracted. There is a lot going on in my life and none of it is anything new or different .. it just is. Same same same. I am bored. Probably only because I have kept myself from riding much and I am irritated with the wounds .. more than they are irritated with me. If they were big life threatening wounds I would probably have more understanding and patience with them. But they are not. They are just annoying and I still have all the want to do .. and yet I am tied down by them.

I was sitting down by the stream again .. a favored haunt of late ... when raven came tripping up .. literally. She flopped beside me .. flopped. To put it lightly I was not receptive to this idea .. she quickly changed her position to one more fitting and pleasing. Sometimes I wonder about her.

I was working on the braided lariat that I had started back a few hands and had not finished. I could not help but think of T'zuri as I wove the leather in tight and perfectly spaced.

I guess Falon was swimming down stream a little .. she moved up to where we were and then proceeded to nearly get hypothermia from staying in the water long after she was supposed to get out. As if I did not get an eye full when she swam over. Not much left to the imagination when the object is female and wearing only wet white cloth and the water is .. cold. I was very appreciative of the view and though I certainly did not stare when raven helped her out of the water I certainly did not avoid looking either. I am not a nice guy. Why would I? I can say for certain that Falon would look damn good naked in a collar. It will take a little while for that vision of Falon to fade .. like I said ... I was appreciative.

Now you can call me a rogue and a cad and an all around bad guy because that was the vision that she inspired in me. And I will say ... yes? And? Show me a female and I will want to see more. Show me more and I will want to see even more .. and if it is good enough I will want to interact with her in a very personal manner. My first thought is not ... you need to cover that up. Well unless I am not so appreciative of the view .. then I might suggest it. But this view was all good and I would not have minded seeing a little more .. and if my vision held a collar in it? Well .. call me a rogue. Would I have collared her? Of course not. She was not begging my collar. She was going through her daily routine as free women here do and once in awhile a guy gets to see more than he might at another time. We live a rough open life here and seeing body parts is not that odd. Will Falon have to deal with the vision she created in me? Of course not .. I would not hold that against her in any way .. I will just enjoy the vision while it lasts and chuckle to myself.

Come Back When You Grow Up .. Girl

I did not really mean it. I said it to be cruel. I said it to save her from a bigger heartache later. I said it to protect her. I said it because she does not yet realize who I am .. and who I am will hurt her. I had a lot of reasons for saying it ... and yet I still do not feel very good that I did.

Women who have attempted to get close to me have usually received a warning.. specifically of rape. Now there is a duel reason for that warning in this case. A... how serious are you? When you speak to me of love and attraction or specific emotions to me .. how real are they? Are you ready to back them up? If so how far? What do you really want from me? Do you want me to fuck you? I can. B ...They need to know that I was not born with an innate sense of that line between violence and love .. abuse and sex.

Many men are. They do not hit women. They get close to that line and some electrical shock warns them away. I do not know if that is something men are supposed to be born with or if perhaps it is something they are taught. Thou shalt nots. In either case I was neither born with it nor was it ever instilled in me by nurturing parents who wanted to see me succeed with the female race of humanity. I do not get the electrical shock. I step over the line .. I wander back and forth without even realizing it. In fact sometimes I dance all over it.

That said I am not a social deviant who breaks the rules of my own society. I learned early on about rules and I now have a few really good ones of my own. But that is another subject. The thread of this one is .. I do not rape free women of my own Tribe. Unless .. you knew that was coming ... unless they put themselves in a position and ignore my warnings. So far that does not happen often at all. Most Tribe free women are rather intelligent and realize I am dead serious. I do come with warning labels.

T'zuri unnerves me. Her innocence screams at my sadistic nature with a primal invitation. But there is some vestige of my humanity left that fights that. Some knowledge that it is wrong. Some idea pounded into my thick head by my own society that ... I must protect her innocence ..... not destroy it in some hedonistic age old ritual just because I can.

But sometimes that vestige is very small compared to what rages and wars within me. This darkness that I live with. This great ink like blackness that heaves and moans and leaves my veins hot and my soul thirsty for one cooling draught to ease the fervid waves that wash through me.

This time I controlled it. This time I was cruel to protect her. This time I hurt her in a small way so I did not hurt her in a greater way. This time she believed me and listened to me. How long before she thinks she knows better? Will she remember that this is not something I can be healed from? Or grow out of? It is not like I just need the "right" woman to make it all go away. It does not go away. It is me. It will be me as long as I live and perhaps long after. She can not take this darkness from me any more than I can heal her fingers so she can play her father's flute once more .. as she was born and raised to do.

Of Music

I finally found T'zuri down by the stream. I wished to speak to her of a few things .. things I had been putting off for a while but still needed to be spoken of. I never really got around to it. I guess I am still avoiding it.

We did speak of music. She is much more knowledgeable about music than I am .. she is a Singer. She showed me the instrument she had spoken of the night before and I did find it fascinating. But it seems so .. delicate and complicated. Much like the czehar. She asked to see my flute and I showed it to her. She asked me to play .. I did a little. As much as I can do anyway. She said I play it like I am holding a weapon. I suppose I do. I probably do everything like I am holding weapon.

She told me about her injury and why she could not play the flute any more. I did not believe her at first .. I thought for sure she was just not working her hand enough .. or that there was a way to play the flute and she just had not thought of it yet ... but when I felt her hand and the scar tissue I knew she was right. She could get a little more movement out of those fingers if she worked them hard .. but not much. It was hard for me to admit that I could not help her do something she was born and raised to do .. that she was indeed correct .. that she would never be healed and this was something she would have to live with for the rest of her life.

It was an example I came to use later.

She asked me some questions and I told her about my mother and father. A mother whose name I have never heard spoken. A father whose name is not allowed to be spoken. I think she understands a little more now why it is hard to get close to me. I do not do close well. I do not do touch well .. as she found out when she tried to touch my hair. I did not mean to hurt her .. but I react very instinctively when someone reaches for me.

I did explain about my hair .. about what it means. I spoke of bell .. of how bell had grown closer to me than any woman I can remember. Though it was hard on her I know .. T'zuri seemed shocked that I hit bell. I had to take a few mental steps back and realize that T'zuri does not know me very well .. nor has she ever felt the sting of my ... attention. It was a reminder .. I listened to it.

In the end I told her she was a frustrating child. That she was too young for the words that she said. That she did not know what she thought she knew. That she should go away ...

Bird Hunting

My time at the First Fires has been shorter. I am tired out easily and I have to slip away and rest. I am tired of my wagon. I hate my wagon. My wagon is stupid. Even Date is avoiding me.

The few times I have been at the Fires people have been odd. Swinging from stress to jovial in grand sweeps of emotions. Chay asked me when I was going to go hunting with her. I have never hunted with a .. woman... ever. I know some women go hunting ...but I have never been hunting with a .. woman. How does one go about hunting with a woman? Do you have to go slower? What if they have to take a .. if they have to pee.. .. there are no facilities for such out there .. do you have to take a shovel and dig them a hole? How do they do that with all that leather skirting and leggings? I do not want to know. The thought of hunting with a woman has twisted my synapses. I do not know Chay but what I do know I do not mind. She has never had much to say to me .. why would she want to spend time with me? But it would not matter which woman .. I am just not sure about this hunting thing with a female. Would I look down on the man or woman who goes out hunting together? Of course not. But me? I would have to think about that one for a while. A while longer than I all ready have.

The other subject that I have been a part of around the fires is music. T'zuri wants me to learn the lyre .. perhaps she meant a kalika? I do not see myself playing a harp. Why? I do not know. I will have to see this thing she speaks of. Kam and Falon decided that the czehar was better for me to learn. Why is everyone wanting me to play music? To soothe my savage nature?

All the talk of music made me drag out my bone flute. I am just not that good at it. I do not have the patience. Perhaps I need to find the patience. Build character. I looked at the flute and wondered how much character it could build. I have this idea .. kind of like my dance .. but different. I wonder if I can pull it off. The idea gives me some energy .. some hope. Even if it never gets done as I would like it to .. I believe. That is enough for me right now. It fills my heart and makes the darkness lighter .. just a few shades. Something to work on for my future .. everyone needs that I think.

I spent some time with Falon at the stream. It has been awhile since we talked privately .. or at least different from the polite surface conversations at the Fires. It was not very pleasant at first .. she said some things to me that called my integrity and good intent into question. I was offended by it. But as always I kept talking to her .. by the end I think she better understood what I meant in the first place and I think we ended up on the same page .. or close. I am never sure when it involves a female.

After that I went bird hunting. Low impact on my wounds and very good for the soul. Besides it has been awhile since I used my bow. I was tired and slept well when I finally returned to my wagon. Stupid wagon .. I am sick of it.

Lazy Kind of Day

The ground soaked up the rain as quickly as it fell. A bit of mud and then it was like the rain had not even happened. But I was not fooled. I knew the rains had come and though there was a slight reprieve it was not going to last long. For weeks we had been preparing for the move and I finally sent out word when that would be. Earlier than last year .. I wanted to ease towards the North with a margin for error should something happen. As always we were going to be subject to the Sky and whatever the Sky decreed we would struggle through.

If there was a sign left of the rains it was the stream. It was swollen and muddy as it drained off water from higher places we could not see. Rich with soil that it would leave here and there to enrich the plains. Life bloomed around the stream as if it heralded a last flourish before the winter. Life at the stream was like a lamp in the dark for predators and not only did they come to the stream for water but now for food. It was impossible to walk anywhere along the stream without the little gnats getting in every open orifice or stuck in your hair. Frogs chirped and sang in the mornings and evenings and birds came for the insects and frogs. Little tiny circles of life that made up even bigger circles.

But today was a lazy day. It held the warmth of the fast fading summer as if it wanted us to forget the cooler nights that had come. The stream was quiet save for the occasional buzz or chirp or flutter of wings. Everything eased back in the hot rays of the Central Fire and just bathed in it. And I was no different. In the long grass by the stream bank I lay and gazed at the Sky. Drifting in and out of sleep. It felt like I had not slept in hands and seasons. The bits of fever having taken a lot of my strength. A small vestige of guilt remained for there was work I could be doing .. a lot of work actually ... but that little vestige did not last long as the warmth on my chest and legs and the prickle of the grass against my shoulders painted my mind with other things and other feelings and other emotions.

I think this is how it would have felt to be cradled in a mother's arms. This secure weightlessness. Nature's heartbeat against every cell of my body .. surely this is what it would have been like to be loved and nurtured and kept safe. It is hard for me to imagine any human ever being able to do that for me. I see an example of it sometimes when I see a mother and child. It fascinates me. I want to understand it .. and barring my ability to ever understand it I want to protect it. The urge rushes to my muscles and I want to clear a path before this thing and keep it sacred and safe. Perhaps that is my place .. to live and die by the lance and shield so that others may have this thing. Today that does not sound as bad as it might have yesterday .. or as bad as it might sound to me tomorrow. Today I feel fulfilled by it. Perhaps it is only the warmth on my skin and the sleepy cocoon I am wrapped within.

Blanket and Bola

Please accept this gift, the first of four saddle blankets as you have requested. It has been an honor given such responsibility. I have woven a story within its threads, as I will for each of them. This story is of you and your place among the Tuchuk. In the center is the central, main fire. You are that fire. The small circles around it represent the people. The larger circles around it represent the First Wagons, but also the continuance of life on the plains, which are represented by the color in the background. The two red ribbons represent the north and south streams, life giving, and at the same time they represent a river of blood, those who have fallen due to your strength and skill. Their blood flows like a river in testament. The black figures are bosk and wagons on the trail to the Harrigas. The final part, the red and black borders, represent each Harriga, and the Tuchuk as a whole, inner and outer wagons, people, activity.

Many of the things I have put in here have dual meanings. I have done so purposefully, because you also have two sides on a very basic level. You are Ubar, but you are also a Tuchuk Warrior. Both intermingle, both are a part of you as breathing is. Both sides have duties and purpose. Yet neither alone can define you.

Aiyana

I had asked Aiyana to weave for me four saddle blankets. The first was left upon my wagon step with a note. I was almost reluctant to place the beautiful blanket beneath a saddle.


A warrior stopped me and gave me a pouch from Mayala. Within I found a very well made bola and the weights were obviously chosen with care and knowledge. I was very pleased and added the bola to my saddle.

Talisman

The first thing I wanted was a bath when I woke up the next day. I wanted to bathe in the cool stream. It was torture .. it seemed colder than it should be and I thought sure there were sharp quiva being shoved through every pour of my skin .. but I did feel better after.

I finally took a few moments to examine the two talismans that Tarra had given me. One was the one I had asked her to do but the one that took even more of my attention was the one she had made for me. It was very pleasing .. not only for I felt it fit me .. but also because I have never had one of my own. I hung it over the flap of my Spex wagon. Quite proud of the way it looked there.

I was not up to much riding so I spent most of the day doing things around my wagons that needed done. New leather strips on the wheels .. packing grease and putting new varnish on my wagon box so that the seams would not leak when the rains came. It was well timed too .. for the rain did come that afternoon and I sat by the stream enjoying the cool wash of it over my face and shoulders.

I have spent more time dodging and avoiding Oren and Astar than I have the entire Ubar's guard since I took the position. But they found me at the stream .. I must have dozed off again. I need a set of ear plugs. The two of them can talk the paint off a wagon. And I wanted to be mated? What in the hell was I thinking? At this point I would rather tend verr. Not a bad idea actually ... they will never think to look for me out with the verr.

Scarlet Fever

"Sing what you can`t say
Forget what you can`t play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music
- My loveletter to nobody"

-Nightwish


For the life of me I can not remember some of the ride back. I must have dozed off and on needing the sleep. I did make it back to my wagon and I did get cleaned up. Properly this time. A few stitches I did myself. Nothing serious or too deep that would require better finer skills than my own.

I know I do not act like an Ubar. I do not dress like an Ubar. I still wear all my old things and I still take care of all my own things like I always did. I do my own laundry. I file my own kaiila's claws. I mend my own clothes and I grease my own axles. I tend my own bosk and I paint my own wagons. I drink very little blackwine because it is rare and expensive. But it is one of the perks of Ubar that I do partake in. I expect people to carry their own weight. I expect them to be adults and do their part and if they are in command I expect them to do a little more. I expect more from elders than I do prospects. I expect more from men than I do women. I expect more from Tuchuk than I do any other people. I have a fierce arrogant pride and I protect my own abilities to take care of myself just as much as I will protect another's right to do it their way.

By the time I made my way to the main fires I was feeling the fever of the infection a little. I lost my appetite though I was very thirsty. My skin hurt .. everything felt irritating to it. I could not get comfortable. I know I was grumpy and whiney .. people did notice the grumpy part. No one seemed to notice the whiney part. I do not whine much. They all irritated me. They thought I was amusing. I should not have been irritated by it .. but I could not seem to help being so. I guess I am sicker than I thought. It felt like everyone was laughing at me and all I wanted was a moment where I could rest in comfort. A moment for the heat to ease in my head and my skin to stop being so sensitive. A moment when every move did not grind sand in my joints a moment when people's expressions did not seem so far away and nonsensical.

I did talk to Tarra .. a little. She gave me the Talisman I asked her to make and she gave me one of my own.

I needed to rest and I made my way back to my own wagons. I told Oren I did not want her stew .. besides it usually needed salt. I pushed Astar's hand away when she touched my shoulder ... and then they were on me. Before I knew it they hustled me into my wagon and stripped off all my clothes and trust me I made it hard .. but they took my swats and cursing quite well for it did not daunt them an instant. I can say I was irritated beyond belief but I was not so far gone in my head that I hurt either one of them .. much.

They scrubbed out every scratch and every bite like I had not all ready done it myself and I am sure my protests and invitations for them to burn in hell were heard outside the thick leather of my wagon. They chuckled at me which made it worse.

And then .. after that ... I don't remember much. I know they left and I was too weak and tired to protest any more .. I know it must have been late ...later in the night. I know the cooling I felt as they tended the wounds had eased off and I was starting to feel the heat again .. tossing and turning but not able to get enough energy to just get up and leave my furs. I wanted to be outside where I was sure it was much cooler than in my wagon. I wanted to feel the air on my face .. I felt smothered and hot and walled in. And then she came to me. I do not even know who she was. I would not recognize her now .. save for her scent. She was soft and feminine. Her belly was not hard like a man's .. it was soft and slightly round like a woman's. Her breasts were not large .. they were plump and small and taut beneath my hands. Her skin was cool .. like she had just bathed and stood in the night air and she felt better than anything I can ever imagine. I know I took her .. and if you tell me a man can not have sex when he has a fever I will tell you that you are dead wrong. I know I took her .. but I do not know which parts were real and which parts were in my head. I do not know if she is all right or if I hurt her .. I am not always gentle. Rarely in fact. I would not know her face if I saw her again .. but I do know her scent .. and I do know the rhythm of her heart and soul for I learned it from the inside out. I do not know if she were free or slave .. her reputation is in no danger for I could not point her out even if I felt inclined to do so. And the scent I am talking about would not be easy to discover and I certainly can not go around finding the inner rhythms of all the women in camp. Not that the idea does not appeal a little ... All I do know is that she eased the fervid night in a way I could not have even known I wanted. And I finally slept.

Morning Song of the Sleen

They were on us in a flash like the span between moments in a dream. It did not last long. A few fractions of those moments I suppose though in the midst of it I can say I did not believe it would ever end.

It was not heroic or courageous. It was not like a fight in a Singer's song or a battle that would inspire a Year Keeper to name a year after it. It was just bloody and vicious and there was no thought but to live. I am not the kind of man whose life flashes before his eyes when death comes close. Death is always close and I tend to look over his shoulder at life on the other side. One day I suppose death will touch me but I know when he does that my eyes will still be on the horizon. I never want to look back on my life. Not out of need for second chances or regrets.

In the middle of all the fur and claws and fangs I felt Rocca against me and I with a sudden thought I grabbed for the pommel and swung into the saddle. Rocca and blue took off and their swiftness was no match for the sleen that were left. By dawn I could hear them calling to each other behind us and it was then all the adrenaline and shock began to wear off and I started feeling all the hurts. A sleen or two had gotten a hold of my left side and my leg .. thigh and hip had been torn into. One of them tried to make a meal of my ribs also. Rocca must have been at my right .. it was all a little hard to remember at this point. With dawn and the chance for a rest I reined in Rocca and cleaned myself up as best as I could. Both kaiila suffered wounds but nothing too serious. We were lucky. More lucky than anyone had a right to be. How many had we killed? Enough it seems to ensure the kaiila getting away without being hamstrung. My quiva was coated in blood and sleen hair. Both kaiila had enough flesh and hair in their claws to make a couple sleen with. We were lucky.

I was still about a day's ride from the Harigga so all the water I had with me I gave to the two kaiila. My wounds were going to get infected .. that was a given for I had no way to clean them properly. But I was not too worried for I was close to the Harigga where they could be seen to better. I grabbed the pommel with my right hand and pulled myself up with my right boot in the left stirrup. Then I eased into the saddle and finally got my right leg swung over where it belonged. I was going to be favoring my left side for a while.

As dawn shot gold and pink ribbons all over the Sky I listened to the song of the few remaining sleen as they mourned the passing of pack mates. I had intended to be the hunter and instead I had ended up the hunted. But I had survived. There would be one more day that I would feel the wind on my cheeks and see the plains stretch out before me.

Part Three ... Hunter's Moon

The first thing to do was to get off the ridge and make some kind of a camp. But as I went to do so either the world had sped up around me or I had slowed down. What seemed like perfectly normal movements did not coincide with time and space around me and before I could make my way down off the ridge darkness had come.

Now this is not the usual night darkness. This is the time before the moons rise and it is complete darkness. There was nothing to do but let Rocca pick his way down the ridge and trust Blue to follow. When I felt the ground even out I slid out of the saddle and let the reins ground hitch Rocca. Feeling around my saddle bags I was able to get a few chips and fire starter. On my knees I dug away into the soil until I had a safe place to start the fire.

I was suddenly back under the wagon and the slick ginger jaws were snapping just beyond. I was that island of humanity again. Small and defenseless and with no one to stand with me. All over again I faced the darkness and all over again it felt like I had to make the decision .. did I face the darkness? Did I fold inward from it? Would I run from it the rest of my days glancing over my shoulder to see if it was close to my heels? The same fear that clutched that child's heart in a gelid long fingered grip clutched my own adult heart again. Uncertainty clamped frore fingers around my brain and I no longer remembered the scars on my cheeks or the strength now in my shoulders and arms. I was nothing and it was everything. It was like I never faced it before or perhaps it was that same moment simply revisited. But I knew inside my heart that I would have to make the decision again .. without the memory to aid me.

The first bite filled my stomach .. the second and third filled my bones.. the fourth and fifth filled my eyes and the sixth and seventh filled my mouth. Once more the darkness writhed inside of me and I felt it ripple through my muscles and tingle at the pads of my fingers.

The first orange glow was like a spiritual blessing to what was left of the humanity in my soul. No man can withstand the darkness for long. Pure darkness will drive him insane. Though in this case I was doubting my sanity anyway despite the darkness or ... because of it. Really not sure. Anyway. A man must run .. face .. embrace or in my case .. something entirely different. I had no idea why I had to face it again. I had no idea why this was happening. I only knew that it was. And as with all things I would do and be by remaining true to who I was.

The small glow of my fire was like a herald that brought forth the Hunter's moon. The first of three to appear and turn my world into a pale silver scene. Color faded unless it was seen within the circle of my fire. And then I heard them. Out there on the fringe around us .. rustling and moving through the grass letting a shaft of light refract off their eyes or glint on wet fangs. A pack of wild sleen was nothing to take lightly .. but I would rather face dozens of wild sleen than the questions that my own split and fractured soul might ask me in the quiet. One could never be alone with the darkness inside.

Rocca and Blue were restless and snarled clenching their claws into the dirt. They faced outward from my fire and I got what I had in chips out of my saddle bag. Not enough to last until dawn. This was going to be a very long night indeed.

I used the chips sparingly. Feeding pieces slowly to the coals to ensure they stayed alive and not much more. The odd light was the only thing keeping the sleen back and though I had two kaiila with me and the fight would be nearly even .. I did not like even odds. That was just too much chance for me to die and I would be the first to go of the three of us. I had my lance and quiva .. but I was no match in the darkness for a pack of sleen. Would I do it? Of course .. had no choice .. I certainly would go out fighting and take a few of those bastards with me. But that was not my first choice. Surviving was going to be my first choice. Go figure.

And so the night drew on and the hungry little fuckers were not going to give up despite the kaiila. I had to stay awake to keep feeding the coals and so I started to sing. It would ease my kaiila anyway for they were long used to my voice while riding night herd. The thing is it stopped the sleen from pacing and growling and though I knew they were still there .. they seemed confused by my voice. I knew they were not interested or soothed .. that was a silly notion that never entered my head .. but they did seem unsure. That worked for me. And then I remembered something I had not remembered for many many years. It was a dance. It was a song. It had words and steps and they were all from my head and heart and imagination. They were from a heart that had never loved nor been broken. It was a song and a dance that I had put together to claim a woman that I thought I loved. More so that I wanted to possess but that is a piece of information brought to light by maturity and certainly was not known by me back then. In fact it was a dance and song I had been on my way to give when ... well it was no wonder I had put it away in a chest of my memory and forgotten it. Stupid bitch.

But I was actually more curious as to whether or not I could do it now .. so many years later .. than I was interested in thinking of the stupid bitch. And why not? If my voice was keeping the sleen confused I was sure a few dance steps could not hurt .. and so I started .. slowly at first for the memory was not very fresh. Quicker came the rhythm to my feet and soon I was stomping and singing louder and louder. Weapons in hand and my voice lifted to the night Sky as if I was a boy again believing and full of hope and desire.

That is when the chips ran out.

Part Two ... Evening Comes too Soon

The day grew warmer and I stripped to the waist. The heat felt good on my back and shoulders. The cooler nights inspired me to savor this warmth for I knew it was short lived and in the future days to come there would be cold.

I rode east and south coming to a place where the earth had shoved away from the rest and created a ridge. The grass was long and I rode along the ridge reining in to pause and gaze down and out occasionally. Watching the plains. Despite the appearance that there was nothing out there I knew that within the tall grass there were many things living and moving and doing the tasks that ensured their survival .. foraging .. hunting ..procreating. It was about that time that a wild sleen cub came face to face with Rocca. He must have been cruising along the ridge as I was and certainly was not paying much attention. The cub stared at Rocca and I thinking I am sure we were one beast .. then opened his jaw and let out a MAW and launched himself over the ridge to scramble .. roll .. and tumble down through the tall grass. Throw in the occasional MAW and you have a rather good picture with sound included. I chuckled and continued on though I kept my eye out for the mother sleen. It would be rare for a wild sleen to attack one of my kaiila but .. with a cub involved I had no desire to cut my trip short simply because one of my beast got ravaged by a fire breathing she sleen.

Now instead of taking a hint that I was all over moving along this ridge the cub began to circle away from me down in the tall grass and make his way back up. Intent it seemed .. on following the ridge. The only problem was that I was working my way along the top so all he did by moving away and up was come right back to a meeting point with me. Once more he stood staring at us and then let out another MAW and dashed over the edge again to tumble .. roll and scramble with gravity giving him a boost in the ass. Now my chuckling began to get deeper and the glint returned to my black eyes. Even Rocca did not seem put out by the cubs misguided stubborn attempts to avoid us but still gain the ridge.

And sure enough he did it again. Circling around and returning with the hope of avoiding yet making connection in our parallel trails. I began to feel sorry for the little thing and I wondered where the mother had gotten to for he was putting up a terrible fuss all over this ridge. What with all the noise of his decent and continued cussing me for the giant two headed freak that I was. In what was now becoming habitual he once more threw himself over the edge and scrambled to keep ahead of gravity down through the grass. But his cries were getting quieter and less intense. He had to be getting tired. I reined in Rocca and hooked my knee over the pommel. Taking a deep breath of the air I savored it before letting it go in a slow exhale. As far as the eye could see in every direction there was nothing but grass. Grass that stretched out to meet the horizon of blue. The vast empty space soothed and fed my spirit and I felt my soul grow and expand in attempts to reach out and touch the horizon. I felt like I had been here before .. that all that was happening had happened before. That I was caught up in some kind of circle and things just kept repeating themselves with a few different colors and a few different words and a few different feelings.

Suddenly I realized that it was too quiet. The cub had disappeared .. no sound no movement in the grass. Had his mother found him? I eased my boot back into the stirrup and the hair at the nape of my neck stood on end and that electricity continued along my shoulders and down my arms. Color blazed across the horizon and like I was in some kind of trance I realized that evening had come ... too soon. How long had I been sitting here? Nothing about this felt right. It was beautiful .. it was surreal .. it was soothing .. it was ... all wrong.

Part One .. The Hunt

Why would a Tuchuk even HAVE stupid verr. Tuchuk should be taking care of bosk. Verr are stupid. Verr never do what they are told .. or they all do what one verr does for no logical reason. I hate verr. They never listen .. they always are afraid. They are .. stupid.

I needed to get away. I needed to go hunt and kill something. With the salt shortage now a thing of history .. nothing more than a colored peg on a Year Keeper's wagon ... there was no reason I should not. And so I did.

Hunting. It was a thing a man could do and enjoy and feel .. like a man. Me working within nature to be stronger .. smarter .. and more fierce. Either that or go hungry. It was just all about back to basics. Simple problems to be solved .. either that or go hungry and be eaten yourself. I liked those kinds of problems. I knew how to survive those kinds of problems.

I did not even try to ditch the Ubar's guard Kam had placed. I simply sent them away. They are still more afraid of me than they are Kam .. which works for me. If that ever changes I will have to do some other problem solving .. but for now I was free and I saddled Rocca and put a pack saddle on Blue and we were off like old times.

I had no idea what I was going to hunt. I would simply come across it and when I did I would hunt it. The Central fire was on my shoulders and my weapons were clean and sharpened .. my kaiila were well fed and ready to go and the breeze was from the South and held the hint of snow and ice upon it as it brushed across the scars of my cheek.

I was going to kill something and I felt damn good about it.

I Hate Verr

The day began with a talk. A conversation with Oren. She wanted to know why I had sent bell back to the camp slave wagons. Why I had released her from my collar. Her eyes told me she was concerned .. that she knew bell had grown close to being someone that I could look for and want. I knew she wanted to know if I had released her before that happened or if I had released her because that happened. Now .. I suppose it would seem odd to some that Oren cared at all what I did with a slave. But you see .. Oren cares less for the slave than she does for me. And though she has never taken more of an active roll than throwing women my way .. she is still interested in someone .. sometime ... getting through to me. Of course she blames the fact I never finished with my herding lessons.

I hate verr. And though I know there was something there I was supposed to learn and I never did ... I really do hate verr.

"You are too independent Fonce."

"How can a man be too independent?"

"They do not need a woman."

"I do not want to need a woman .. I want to love a woman and there is a huge difference."

"A woman needs to feel needed."

"Then I will find a woman who knows the difference between feeling needed and being wanted or I will find a woman who gives me something no other woman has ever been able to give me and then perhaps I will know how to make her feel needed."

"That is a lot to ask of a woman."

"I am a lot of man to deal with."

"That is true." Her tone was dry and it made me smirk a little hearing it.

"Fonce.. she seemed to know you a little yes?"

"She seemed to .. yes ... but not enough it seems. Or perhaps she knew enough to not wish to know more."

"That is a harsh thing to say."

"I am a harsh man."

"Do you give second chances Fonce?"

"I have yet to find the desire to do so."

"I ask the Sky that you will find someone that inspires your want to."

"I doubt the Sky has anything to do with it. I am not afraid to be alone .. Oren." And then I gave her what she was looking for. "I did not take the key away from bell. She chose to set it down and walk away from it. I did not keep her from me .. Oren ... and I am disappointed."

"Disappointment is a first step Fonce. Perhaps the next woman to get that close will give you something that you will not ever want to lose no matter what they do to lose you."

"Oren. I am an independent man. I will always be a man that a woman can lose. It is who I am and that will never change. I do not hate a woman for being less than I want. I simply want what I want and I will not settle for less than that."

"You are a difficult man Fonce .. I hope that you are not an impossible man."

I shrugged. "If I am Oren .. then so be it. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone rather than settle for a woman who will give up too soon on who and what I am. I will not be doubted .. I will not be a crutch. I will be an independent man for an independent woman who offers me as much as I offer her. If she can not stand on her own feet beneath the Sky and face all that means alone .. than she will never be able to face what I face by my side."

"You are an arrogant egotistical Tuchuk .. Fonce."

"Thank you Oren .. I love you too."

"You must learn to be humble Fonce or you will die lonely and never know what it is to share yourself with a woman."

"It is good you are not a Haruspex Oren."

I hate verr.

She Whispered ... Mori

As sweet as poppy's draught of ease
grant me peace
if only for a moment here or there...

Relieve the ache that dulls my waking hours
Leaving day to dusk and light to shadow's dower
If only for a moment here or there ...

Laced upon a skeletal voice of lulling pain
Embalm my heated veins
If only for a moment here or there ...

Forget.. a word of love's deep gift
gut upon a memory's rift
If only for a moment here or there ...

Desire's voracious beast eat
Through this drugged conscious and focus grant me
If only for a moment here or there ...

As ost be charmed by lyre or flute
Or tempted with forbidden fruit
Then damn him for that moment's thought
That from this deafness ought be wrought.

©2005 Mine

Ribbons by Night

"SWIFTLY walk over the western wave,
Spirit of Night!
Out of the misty eastern cave
Where, all the long and lone daylight,
Thou wovest dreams of joy and fear
Which make thee terrible and dear,—
Swift be thy flight!

Wrap thy form in a mantle gray,
Star-inwrought;
Blind with thine hair the eyes of Day,
Kiss her until she be wearied out:
Then wander o'er city and sea and land,
Touching all with thine opiate wand—
Come, long-sought!

When I arose and saw the dawn,
I sigh'd for thee;
When light rode high, and the dew was gone,
And noon lay heavy on flower and tree,
And the weary Day turn'd to his rest
Lingering like an unloved guest,
I sigh'd for thee.

Thy brother Death came, and cried,
"Wouldst thou me?"
Thy sweet child Sleep, the filmy-eyed,
Murmur'd like a noontide bee,
"Shall I nestle near thy side?
Wouldst thou me?"—And I replied,
"No, not thee!"

Death will come when thou art dead,
Soon, too soon;
Sleep will come when thou art fled:
Of neither would I ask the boon
I ask of thee, belovèd Night—
Swift be thine approaching flight,
Come soon, soon!"

-Shelley

Newness and change has made everyone testy and on edge. New people at the First Wagons .. new ways of thinking and doing things that set others off. Others who have grown comfortable in their ways and their thinking. Instead of trying to get along they all just shut their minds to each other. I have grown tired of the fires and the tensions and the wounded prides. I have begun to seek out happy people in happy places. Where there are stories being told and songs being sung. It has helped my mind ease and give my soul strength. I have not seen anyone at the fires or any of those of the First Wagons for a couple of days. With the extra work and the evenings away I have not had the chance. But it was good I did not have the chance. My patience with their lack of vision has grown thin.

But I am feeling much more myself now .. a couple of days with positive input have given me strength I needed and a peace of mind that I have not felt in a long time.

I was not looking for the little parchments. I was not looking for the little dry weeds. But one came my way despite all that. Again the words touched me so deeply. So beautiful and ethereal like a dream that I know I have had and I know I remember but only .. when I read the verse. The verse is like the window to the dream and without it I can not quite see it. This time it did not make me angry to look out the window to my dreams .. this time it soothed me .. easing into my troubled thoughts like a few days away from the fires did. The string was knotted and added to the armband with the story of the song of night. And in my mind the woman of the ribbons began to take shape and form and I began to know her from her thoughts and dreams written down on tiny little parchments and sent out upon the plains.

It was not as if I did not have the troubled thoughts any more. Or that the tension was going to ease at the fires. Or that I had solved all the problems or that I expected people to just relax and get along with each other. They rarely got along with their own Tribe family let alone new prospects .. so no these slim possibilities were not what gave me peace. I had gained a peace of mind despite all these things. And the chances of me ripping the head off someone who came to me bitching had lowered considerably and I valued my very few days away for that reason.

The Year Keepers

I do not have a birthday. Well I mean there was a day I was born but I do not know when that was. We as Tuchuk do not keep track of days and hands like most people do. We keep track of time by seasons and sometimes a season is longer and sometimes a season is shorter. So our time is varied. I know how many times I have seen Turia. I know how many Seasons of the Snows I have lived through. And that is as close as I get to how old I am and when the time of my birth was.

This move North marks another passing of Turia. I am another season older and I have to look back on the last few seasons and wonder how far I have come. What have I accomplished. What have I seen completed.

I went to ask for a Year Keeper to be sent forward to the First Wagons. We have a few here but they are rarely about and I am in need of some advice and I do not have all the season's names remembered. Among the brightly painted wagons and various colored pegs I felt a bit in awe of time and space and how it all fits together to form a history .. a heritage of the Tuchuk. I felt suddenly protective of this Clan. What would we do if we lost all the Year Keepers? Who would remember the names of the seasons and recite them and bring back the instant memory of the events that led to the naming of the year? The Singers create the stories and sing the songs of our people but the Year Keepers are the logic stitchers of our fabric of life.

Is this the kind of fear that made men want to learn to read and write in the first place? This sudden desire to leave something behind to be remembered even if there was no one there to remember the names or sing the songs? But Tuchuk to do not live by fear. I let the sudden feeling leave me and replaced it with the knowledge of our strength and should a time come when the Sky takes us back up where we belong .. we will take our heritage with us and the plains will sing a new song and remember new names. I was no longer afraid of the change that might someday come. Change is a way of life and all I needed to think on was that today .. we were a fierce and proud people thundering across the plains in the prime of our lives. There was only to stretch and feel the hot breath of the Central Fire and know that for now .. it was good to be alive and Tuchuk.

Ubara

Ubara. The word has been tossed around and thrown out lately because I am not mated and people keep wondering who I will claim for my own and they seem to think that they have a say in who it is simply because I am the Ubar. Now .. This calls many things into question such as what is an Ubara? Is it a title? A position? Is it something a woman can be born to? Is it something that she earns or something that is just given to her because she mates an Ubar? Many people seem to have opinions on the Ubara but very few have ever had to face being one.

Now I have actually had fewer thoughts on an Ubara than I have on my mate. I do not think of the woman I intend to claim as an Ubara .. I think of her as the woman I intend to spend the rest of my days and nights with. And unless these opinionated people intend to sex her and live with her .. they really do not have much weight with me on who I will take to my furs. I am not going to choose a mate simply because someone else likes her.. or doesn't like her. I think I sort of kind of maybe need to like her a little myself. Go figure.

This all has brought to mind a conversation I had with an Elder of the Tribe. Noya to be precise. Now she stopped me and spoke to me .. told me that the position of Ubara was earned .. not just given. That I need to mate the woman that I can truly care for and live with and if that woman is to be Ubara .. she will have to earn it. I like that. It fits how I think of Ubara myself and what that word and position means to me. Not just the woman that I mate but .. whether or not she earns the position. Earns the respect. Earns the right to call herself Ubara of the Tuchuk. That made a lot of sense to me. I was not born into the position myself. I worked and I still work to be fair and honest with everyone ... not just a few. Perhaps the woman that I mate will earn the title of Ubara .. and perhaps she will not.

So what do I owe the position that I am in when it comes to my mate? I have no intention of choosing a caustic bitter nasty tongued wench who is full of negative things to say about people. I do not intend to mate a woman who yells or screams or thinks she is better than others. I will not mate a woman who is so insecure that I must plug the holes of her psyche every time I come in late from patrol or do not come in at all for days. I do not intend to mate a woman who is a whore with other men in public when not only her relationship with me but her position must make her refrain from such acts. I intend to mate a woman who I get along with. Whose family.. if she has one ... can be my family. Whose ideas and creative urges run somewhere near my own but not in the same rut. A woman who inspires me to greater things beyond my own horizons. Who comforts me and reminds me of the softer .. finer ... and more peaceful side of life that I so desperately need in my own. I intend to mate a woman who I know. Not for a day .. not for a hand .. perhaps not even for a full season ... but a woman I actually know. I have lived many years since getting my first courage scar and I have not mated yet ... I am obviously not in a rush.

Beads

One is for your eyes.. so you may always see true.
One is for your mouth, so only good things pass though it.
One is for your ears, so you always hear those approaching
One is for your hands, so they know when to be gentle and when to be strong.
and one is for me. So you know how grateful I am for the chance you have given me.
-Sakmeta

I am tired. Though that is nothing new. The Salt Hunter has reported a find and the celebrations go on still throughout the camp. There will be no more rationing and the stores will be returned to each family who brought forth seven fold. That means I will give each family who listened to my directive and brought their private stores forward seven times what they gave. The more they gave .. the more they will get in return. Those that held back out of fear will not get this reward.

My nights at the fires lately have been mostly silent. I am too tired to initiate conversaton and it is probably obvious for not many try to strike one up with me. It is not a bad tired .. just a tired fueled by preparations and the usual insomnia of a man avoiding dreams. Though a few words of teasing have left my mouth .. sometimes it is too much fun to resist.

When Sakmeta asked if I had gotten the beads I realized I had been remiss in not thanking her for them. They were exactly what I wanted. They spoke the moment my hands held them. My favorite stories were the ones of the Tribe who had handled them. They were the newest and brightest of the voices within the stones. Quieter and more faded were the ones that stretched back through the seasons to times before Tuchuk and times before Turia and times before the Plains themselves.

They were braided into the white strand of hair that I have. I like their stories. To pay Sakmeta for them and the ones I allowed T'zuri ... I sent two of my own treasures from the Spex wagon. One was a large piece of jade .. the other a large hunk of rose quartz. To thank Sakmeta I began a talisman for her. One of my own. I also sent two red wagon bosk to her mother and father as a token of my appreciation of the work she was doing at the First Wagons. Sakmeta is very beautiful .. I wonder if her father intends her for the love wars. Though I would think she would have been a little more spoiled to bring out the brazen taunting that makes a woman on fire when staked. I must speak to Dash about her nose ring. Which reminded me I had not spoken much to T'zuri after her nose ring was placed. Well .. save for the words of the lash. I needed to broaden my strictures a little. The rules for an unringed girl are different than for a ringed woman. This guardian thing is a hell of a lot of work. I intend to father all boys.

As I started collecting the things for the talisman I remembered the one I did for Falon. How long ago was that? It seemed like a long time but in reality I supposed it was not so long. Things seem to change and shift and grow quickly when you look backwards. Though at the time they crawl so slowly.

Tonight when I ride with the herd I will listen to a story of the beads and perhaps it will soothe the pestering of the dreams and the riddle I have yet to figure out.

Getting to Know T'zuri

I sent one of my men off to find T'zuri while I used the time to work on some of my gear. Braiding leather strips together to strengthen them. She came and I could tell she was still suffering a bit of an attitude. Self righteous in her belief that she had done nothing wrong and still carrying the weight of it like a stone around her neck. Did she not know that you do not feel that way unless there is something you must make right? She is so innocent despite her years and I am so fearful I will leave a careless footprint on her soul. I think I left a few signs of my passing today.. though they were not very careless.

We spoke of what happened with Kam and I reasoned with her as to which was more important .. her own beliefs or the beliefs of another who felt slighted and wronged by something she had done. I told her that there are men you can question on their actions and there are men you can not. She must learn who these men are and keep her behaviors within these boundaries. I asked her if she wanted to be punished as a girl or as a woman. She chose to honor the ring in her nose and to stand up under her actions and face their consequences. I can not say I was happy about that .. I had no desire to do what I was about to. But I told her first she had to apologize to Kam. To tell him that she was no longer allowed to ask him questions nor for advice until such a time as I felt it was right to allow this again. Then she must return to me for her punishment. I was not sure how she would handle the apology. I was not sure she was even yet convinced of her own wrong. But when she got to Kam and he treated her much as I am used to Kam treating young women ... I think he broke her damn of fear and frustration and her heart poured out. Her words were well spoken. I was pleased. Kam accepted her apology and told her to keep struggling to learn and grow. He finally released T'zuri to return for her punishment.

Truth be told I was avoiding it. Everything warred within me on this. For many reasons. I did not want to lift my hand to her in violence. I did not want to create the bond I was about to create with her. It was something I avoided doing .. until now rather successfully. But this was something that was inevitable as I was taking on more responsibilities with prospects. Sooner or later one of them had to step across the line and earn correction. I was about to learn more about T'zuri than I was ready for.

She stood for it .. like a woman. She bared her back for the lash and her knees did not buckle when it struck her. I know my way around leather and whips and I did not allow the ends to wrap around and strike her breasts but I did not soften the blow with mercy. The welts lay on her shoulders and back alone. She covered herself .. and turned to weep against me. I held her. She said things to me that I did not want to hear .. especially after laying the lash to her. I told her she did not know of what she spoke and that I needed time to get to know her before I could answer any of these things. She proceeded to take the time to show me how much I did know about her .. which was a lot more than I would have guessed. Save I did not know the color of her eyes... and I probably will never remember when she was born .. and well ... I learned a lot about T'zuri that day. I learned of her heart and her courage .. of her ability to listen and hear what I say despite her own hurt feelings and defenses on the subject. I learned that she can open her mind to a new way of thinking and fly on my own words to places she has never been. I learned that she can face consequences without anger. How much easier it would have been if she had been defensive and angry. I do not believe I can think of T'zuri as a girl any more. She has stepped into womanhood in my eyes and done so with a grace that I must respect. Does that mean she is perfect? I do not know a perfect woman. Same as I do not know a perfect man. Myself being a prime example. We all screw up and we all must apologize and we all must face consequences .. she has shown that she can do that ... and do it with courage as a woman.

All These Emotions

I have not spent a lot of time around the prospects. Not so much out of choice but by circumstance and opportunity. It is good they get to know all the others during this time for my opinion .. though perhaps it weighs more than some ... is in the great grand scheme of things still an opinion. They must learn to get along and problem solve when they do not get along. Though I will say I have seen some real examples of failure to problem solve lately.

I have been very careful with T'zuri. Her heart is young and fragile and though she believes I am the man she may in time come to love .. I have no faith in first loves. It will take time to see if her attraction to me is like all the others or if she knows her heart better than most. I do not know her well enough to predict or assume one way or the other. And what of her heart and love if she is correct and I am the man she could come to love? I can not answer that question yet .. I do not know T'zuri very well as I have just stated .. but I can say I sure know her a lot better now.

It started when Kam came to me with a complaint of T'zuri's behavior. She had questioned him as to whether he knew the larl was the same one that attacked her. She wanted to see it for herself. In her emotion and fear of these larls who have taken so much of her family away ... she over reacted and continued to question him after he was done with questions. He felt this called on his identity and integrity as a Hunter. He wished her kept from the First Wagons all together. Now this surprised me. I have never seen Kam so wound up over a woman's questions before. It took me so off guard I had to ask him if he would punish Tarra when Tarra's words questioned my own identity and integrity. He said of course. I must wonder if he realizes how many times that happens. But I did tell him that I appreciated that .. and I do though I usually handle it on my own .. at least he was not a hypocrite. I gave Kam the choice. Either I punished T'zuri and sought to teach her as a prospect should be taught ... or I would not punish her and simply consider this his voice against her becoming part of the First Wagons. He chose to teach. I am pleased he changed his mind for this is the point I have been trying to make with the Tribe and prospects .. if we do not teach them they will never learn.

I do not know why Kam took this so seriously. Or why he could not deal with a girl caught up in emotions and fears. I have never seen him unable to deal with questions and he is usually more patient than I am with prospects and women in general. He is known for his sage advice and wise words. Perhaps something has used up all his patience and wise words .. I do not know. I will wait to see how he is doing before I ask his help with prospects.

Tuchuk Mona Lisa

I do not even believe she was Tuchuk. At least by blood. I think she has got some Paravaci heritage though. I asked and she had always been a slave. I asked if she had ever loved and it was told to me that she had loved in her youth. This was good .. for I wanted a slave who understood love and understood .. I was not it.

It was her smile .. actually ... that made it all worth while. She was not beautiful. Not in the sense that most slaves around the First Wagons are .. even my own have been. But when she smiled .. which was all the time ... her features lit up like a golden morning breaking over the plains. Her movements were easy and rhythmic like a dancers. And I do not mean she danced everywhere. She rarely spoke as she served around the wagons of Morr .. offering without direction and proceeding to the next without interrupting our conversations. When Morr offered the kettle slave to me I at first refused. But at the end of the night with a few bowls of paga in me ... I took and collared her for my wagons.

I do not remember what Morr called the girl. But I call her date. Her smile is like the sweet honeyed fruits. She sleeps beneath my wagon and I nearly forgot about her all together .. but when I returned from the herds the next day and entered my wagon the change was miraculous. No longer was there a layer of dust on everything. My wagon was spotless and smelled of some kind of spice that at once soothed and made me hungry.

For a few moments I was content and I even went and washed up before I returned to eat. Oren was there and did not even give me a hard time about how long it had been since I ate with them. She just accepted me right in my place and served me a bowl of stew meat that she praised date for helping her with. And .. by the way ... where was date I asked? Oren told me Pacu and Astar had her cleaning out their wagon. I settled back with a chuckle and ate with a slow exhale of contentment.

Scarlet Ribbons

Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken;

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heap'd for the beloved's bed:
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

-Shelley

I am in a black mood today. Too many thoughts that will not silence themselves. Frustrations. It all started with another parchment and a scarlet ribbon.

This one was new. Or I should say .. not old. Tied to the dry little weed by a scarlet ribbon. This time the words made me angry. I wish I could speak with such soft and beautiful words. I envy this woman her tongue. Instead I am harsh and unforgiving. Rude and savage. A man who is surprised by a touch of kindness and a man who would rather see my slave prostrate at my feet than hugging me. I am strait forward in my thinking and actions. Without many trimmings to dress it up in or make it go down easier. I have harsh opinions and even harsher values. I do not force others to have them .. but I am deeply driven by them.

I will hit a woman in anger and I will not feel sorry for it. I will rape a woman and I will not ask forgiveness. I will take what I want from the plains and I will kill those that try to stop me. I do not hate them .. they are simply weaker than I am and it is our way to take what we please. I respect courage more than strength. I respect strength more than intellect. I respect intellect more than possessions. I respect possessions because it speaks of strength. I respect strength because it speaks of a will to live and conquer. I respect intellect when it is coupled with courage to make a man brave. I have seen many smart men shredded on the wrong end of a lance. Their intellect did not save them from the true thrust of a strong warrior. Now I actually consider myself a smart man .. but I am alive and well because of a strong arm and a good aim.

But these words .. they make me want to know a different way. They make me want to see something beyond the horizon I have never known or seen. They are poison. Dweller lies to make me weak. I spit on the parchment and I threw it from me into the wind. But the scarlet ribbon I could not give up. It caught the light when I went to throw it from me. I tied it to Pekoe's mane. The scarlet catching the breeze within his white silk hair. Like a ribbon of blood. It reminds me how much the words make my heart bleed. If I were blind I could not see them. Today I cursed the woman who taught me to read. And then I wept for I miss the harsh touch of her gnarled old hands and her crackling voice and her strength when other weaker souls failed to face the cruel winds her knees never buckled .. and I miss ... well I just miss her.

Today I opened my arms beneath the Sky but it was not to pray. It was to scream my wrath and anger. It was to fight against the heavy yoke that I feel upon my shoulders. I shoved my feet down in the stirrups and I stood high to challenge the Sky to face me with courage and skill. But as always I was left with silence. Emptiness.

My mood is black indeed like my eyes and I turn my head away from the little dry weeds with a jaw set in muscle like stone.