Part Three ... Hunter's Moon

The first thing to do was to get off the ridge and make some kind of a camp. But as I went to do so either the world had sped up around me or I had slowed down. What seemed like perfectly normal movements did not coincide with time and space around me and before I could make my way down off the ridge darkness had come.

Now this is not the usual night darkness. This is the time before the moons rise and it is complete darkness. There was nothing to do but let Rocca pick his way down the ridge and trust Blue to follow. When I felt the ground even out I slid out of the saddle and let the reins ground hitch Rocca. Feeling around my saddle bags I was able to get a few chips and fire starter. On my knees I dug away into the soil until I had a safe place to start the fire.

I was suddenly back under the wagon and the slick ginger jaws were snapping just beyond. I was that island of humanity again. Small and defenseless and with no one to stand with me. All over again I faced the darkness and all over again it felt like I had to make the decision .. did I face the darkness? Did I fold inward from it? Would I run from it the rest of my days glancing over my shoulder to see if it was close to my heels? The same fear that clutched that child's heart in a gelid long fingered grip clutched my own adult heart again. Uncertainty clamped frore fingers around my brain and I no longer remembered the scars on my cheeks or the strength now in my shoulders and arms. I was nothing and it was everything. It was like I never faced it before or perhaps it was that same moment simply revisited. But I knew inside my heart that I would have to make the decision again .. without the memory to aid me.

The first bite filled my stomach .. the second and third filled my bones.. the fourth and fifth filled my eyes and the sixth and seventh filled my mouth. Once more the darkness writhed inside of me and I felt it ripple through my muscles and tingle at the pads of my fingers.

The first orange glow was like a spiritual blessing to what was left of the humanity in my soul. No man can withstand the darkness for long. Pure darkness will drive him insane. Though in this case I was doubting my sanity anyway despite the darkness or ... because of it. Really not sure. Anyway. A man must run .. face .. embrace or in my case .. something entirely different. I had no idea why I had to face it again. I had no idea why this was happening. I only knew that it was. And as with all things I would do and be by remaining true to who I was.

The small glow of my fire was like a herald that brought forth the Hunter's moon. The first of three to appear and turn my world into a pale silver scene. Color faded unless it was seen within the circle of my fire. And then I heard them. Out there on the fringe around us .. rustling and moving through the grass letting a shaft of light refract off their eyes or glint on wet fangs. A pack of wild sleen was nothing to take lightly .. but I would rather face dozens of wild sleen than the questions that my own split and fractured soul might ask me in the quiet. One could never be alone with the darkness inside.

Rocca and Blue were restless and snarled clenching their claws into the dirt. They faced outward from my fire and I got what I had in chips out of my saddle bag. Not enough to last until dawn. This was going to be a very long night indeed.

I used the chips sparingly. Feeding pieces slowly to the coals to ensure they stayed alive and not much more. The odd light was the only thing keeping the sleen back and though I had two kaiila with me and the fight would be nearly even .. I did not like even odds. That was just too much chance for me to die and I would be the first to go of the three of us. I had my lance and quiva .. but I was no match in the darkness for a pack of sleen. Would I do it? Of course .. had no choice .. I certainly would go out fighting and take a few of those bastards with me. But that was not my first choice. Surviving was going to be my first choice. Go figure.

And so the night drew on and the hungry little fuckers were not going to give up despite the kaiila. I had to stay awake to keep feeding the coals and so I started to sing. It would ease my kaiila anyway for they were long used to my voice while riding night herd. The thing is it stopped the sleen from pacing and growling and though I knew they were still there .. they seemed confused by my voice. I knew they were not interested or soothed .. that was a silly notion that never entered my head .. but they did seem unsure. That worked for me. And then I remembered something I had not remembered for many many years. It was a dance. It was a song. It had words and steps and they were all from my head and heart and imagination. They were from a heart that had never loved nor been broken. It was a song and a dance that I had put together to claim a woman that I thought I loved. More so that I wanted to possess but that is a piece of information brought to light by maturity and certainly was not known by me back then. In fact it was a dance and song I had been on my way to give when ... well it was no wonder I had put it away in a chest of my memory and forgotten it. Stupid bitch.

But I was actually more curious as to whether or not I could do it now .. so many years later .. than I was interested in thinking of the stupid bitch. And why not? If my voice was keeping the sleen confused I was sure a few dance steps could not hurt .. and so I started .. slowly at first for the memory was not very fresh. Quicker came the rhythm to my feet and soon I was stomping and singing louder and louder. Weapons in hand and my voice lifted to the night Sky as if I was a boy again believing and full of hope and desire.

That is when the chips ran out.