Scarlet Fever

"Sing what you can`t say
Forget what you can`t play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music
- My loveletter to nobody"

-Nightwish


For the life of me I can not remember some of the ride back. I must have dozed off and on needing the sleep. I did make it back to my wagon and I did get cleaned up. Properly this time. A few stitches I did myself. Nothing serious or too deep that would require better finer skills than my own.

I know I do not act like an Ubar. I do not dress like an Ubar. I still wear all my old things and I still take care of all my own things like I always did. I do my own laundry. I file my own kaiila's claws. I mend my own clothes and I grease my own axles. I tend my own bosk and I paint my own wagons. I drink very little blackwine because it is rare and expensive. But it is one of the perks of Ubar that I do partake in. I expect people to carry their own weight. I expect them to be adults and do their part and if they are in command I expect them to do a little more. I expect more from elders than I do prospects. I expect more from men than I do women. I expect more from Tuchuk than I do any other people. I have a fierce arrogant pride and I protect my own abilities to take care of myself just as much as I will protect another's right to do it their way.

By the time I made my way to the main fires I was feeling the fever of the infection a little. I lost my appetite though I was very thirsty. My skin hurt .. everything felt irritating to it. I could not get comfortable. I know I was grumpy and whiney .. people did notice the grumpy part. No one seemed to notice the whiney part. I do not whine much. They all irritated me. They thought I was amusing. I should not have been irritated by it .. but I could not seem to help being so. I guess I am sicker than I thought. It felt like everyone was laughing at me and all I wanted was a moment where I could rest in comfort. A moment for the heat to ease in my head and my skin to stop being so sensitive. A moment when every move did not grind sand in my joints a moment when people's expressions did not seem so far away and nonsensical.

I did talk to Tarra .. a little. She gave me the Talisman I asked her to make and she gave me one of my own.

I needed to rest and I made my way back to my own wagons. I told Oren I did not want her stew .. besides it usually needed salt. I pushed Astar's hand away when she touched my shoulder ... and then they were on me. Before I knew it they hustled me into my wagon and stripped off all my clothes and trust me I made it hard .. but they took my swats and cursing quite well for it did not daunt them an instant. I can say I was irritated beyond belief but I was not so far gone in my head that I hurt either one of them .. much.

They scrubbed out every scratch and every bite like I had not all ready done it myself and I am sure my protests and invitations for them to burn in hell were heard outside the thick leather of my wagon. They chuckled at me which made it worse.

And then .. after that ... I don't remember much. I know they left and I was too weak and tired to protest any more .. I know it must have been late ...later in the night. I know the cooling I felt as they tended the wounds had eased off and I was starting to feel the heat again .. tossing and turning but not able to get enough energy to just get up and leave my furs. I wanted to be outside where I was sure it was much cooler than in my wagon. I wanted to feel the air on my face .. I felt smothered and hot and walled in. And then she came to me. I do not even know who she was. I would not recognize her now .. save for her scent. She was soft and feminine. Her belly was not hard like a man's .. it was soft and slightly round like a woman's. Her breasts were not large .. they were plump and small and taut beneath my hands. Her skin was cool .. like she had just bathed and stood in the night air and she felt better than anything I can ever imagine. I know I took her .. and if you tell me a man can not have sex when he has a fever I will tell you that you are dead wrong. I know I took her .. but I do not know which parts were real and which parts were in my head. I do not know if she is all right or if I hurt her .. I am not always gentle. Rarely in fact. I would not know her face if I saw her again .. but I do know her scent .. and I do know the rhythm of her heart and soul for I learned it from the inside out. I do not know if she were free or slave .. her reputation is in no danger for I could not point her out even if I felt inclined to do so. And the scent I am talking about would not be easy to discover and I certainly can not go around finding the inner rhythms of all the women in camp. Not that the idea does not appeal a little ... All I do know is that she eased the fervid night in a way I could not have even known I wanted. And I finally slept.