No Touchie

It is not that I do not like people. Not at all. I would find life very boring and lonely without people. I have always watched them from a distance .. it was much safer that way ... and I am just not used to them coming into my space for anything positive. Now I do not flinch and shy away any more. I have carved a place for myself and I am rather confident in that place and I will scrap to keep it. But my skin still prickles and tries to crawl out from under any touch that I am not in control of.

I have been to Healers and I have had my share of stitches and bandages and pokes and prods. And I do this out of necessity and I get away from it as soon as I can. And I can say I do not look fondly upon my time spent in a Healer's hands. But I do like to live and breathe and I am not done with my life yet so I tend to suffer these things when they are required.

So when Kai asked me if she could kiss my cheek .. I told her no. Ask me and I will have time to think it over and tell you .. no. Surprise me and you will probably get away with it .. at least if you are free I might not rip your head off. I explained that to Kai and she said she knew how I felt .. felt a lot the same way herself and she would wait for my invitation. Now I appreciate that level of respect .. I do ... but the hard fact about it is that I will probably never invite something like that. Not without a lot of changes in my personality. It is possible of course .. I learn and grow every day but .. the probability is small. The stuff of good wagers I suppose.

Kai told me she had learned a lot about herself on her quest. Now Kai says that every time she comes back .. so I will believe it when I see it. But for her sake I hope she is right this time. I hope her own soul searching has led her to some answers that she needed. She says that it has and that she understands the things I said to her now. Again .. I do not have a lot of faith in that from anyone .. so time will tell. It is good to see her around again ... I hope she is happy to be Home this time and that it fulfills whatever it is that she is looking for.

Bell also wished to speak to me and when given the chance she told me that she had missed me. She said she learned that also. I am not sure what it is with women and why they have to take themselves off into some outside space to learn about themselves. What is missing from our lives here that does not teach them these things? Or is it me? Must they get away from me before they can learn these things? "Here let me slip this blade between your ribs and give it a twist .. so that I can learn what you mean to me." And I thought I was dysfunctional.

Just brings me back to the point that people should just keep their distance from that personal side of me. No Touchie. It will be the worst thing that ever happens to you .. and if not for you? It will be for me.

No Thank You.