If I Had Words

"If I had words to make a day for you
I'd sing you a morning golden and new
I would make this day last for all time
Give you a night deep in moon shine"

-Lyrics





It is that time ... so 673 posts into this character .. welcome to the fourth journal...

http://coleredediable4.blogspot.com/

Fonce the Man .. Not the Ubar

I was walking by Saresh's wagon when I stopped to talk to him. We spoke of Mayala briefly. I think he had closed the song on it before I had .. but it was my job to make sure .. as much as I could ... that there was some closure. And do that without the working knowledge of what passed between them that Saresh had.

He was all bandaged up on his arm and I asked what he tangled with. Figured it was a bosk horn or a kaiila fang .. but it was not. It was Saresh. Now this is not something that is new to me .. not my thing personally but I understand it well enough. Some would judge me for that little slit right over my heart and those same people might judge Saresh too .. but those people are not me.

He said he had realized he knew very little about me .. as a man. Now that came as no surprise .. few did really. He asked me why that was and I said it was not my way to shove myself on people. He asked me then what of those that asked and I replied truthfully ... that I gave as much as I could and freely. That I could not think of anything I just would not speak of .. though there were things that were much harder than others ... understandably.

So he started off with a whopper. He asked me what my name meant and how I earned it. Wow. Yes I am quite aware that a man's name is all he is cracked up to be. Everything he is and everything he aspires to become. We earn our names .. and that is why I never fuck with them. But it was still odd that he asked me of mine .. no one ever has before.

I told him the truth .. I do not know what my name means. That is hard for me to admit. I think it comes from another language and another place ... it meant something to my father I believe and I try to live up to it and give it honor and courage but the origin of it is lost to me. These things I told him ... though it was not easy.

As for how I earned it ... I had killed a Kassar commander. Now it was not as bold and amazing as it sounded ... probably more of an accident ... but that is how I earned it.

Then he asked me a question that took me back some. He asked me my opinion on why he was not successful as a mate. Now I had not remembered the first .. it was a long time ago. But Mayala? I told him hell .. I would have had to give him a rainbow of scars if he had pulled that one off. I could not get along with her at all and ended up wanting to kill her three times over simply for a conversation at the fires. Now I told him I did not mean to speak ill of her after she was gone .. but since I had spoken ill of her while she was here I guessed it was all right. I was not saying anything to Saresh that I had not said to her .. that woman drove me insane.

I kind of went off then .. about Mayala. Got into a rut and just let it spill and he then apologized to me for not handling it sooner. The situation. Now I sort of felt bad for going on and on and I told him how I felt.

I told him that as much as I would like to say it is all about control .. and that I would have done so much better than him ... truth be told I have never been in love with a woman ... never had a mate ... so who am I to judge? It is a hard thing I think .. to balance control and caring for a woman. To appear a man strong and dominant and in control of your woman and at the same time care for her ... love her. And live with every decision that you make regarding her. Knowing it will effect the very fabric of your relationship with her.

A man who does not think carefully about that .. simply does not care.

I walked away from Saresh feeling as if my guts had all been laid out to be examined. Spoken of with logic and detached wisdom. It is not often someone asks me about me .. or for that matter ask me questions about themselves that spark a lot of introspection. Saresh did both today.

New Vest

Well most people know I can count the clothes I own on two hands worth of fingers. It has always been that way and the thing about being a guy is I have been this tall for a long time now and so my clothes are many years old.

Lately I have bulked up some .. put some muscle on this lean lanky frame of mine .. mostly around my shoulders and chest but that is to be expected with my age and with as much as I work.

Sometimes being around a guy like Sahli makes me feel old .. even though we are only a few years apart .. but I can tell you I was very comfortable with sex long before I was supposed to be. It just happened that way for me .. girls much older than I were showing me things and I just naturally was all about learning. Sat in the front row of that class.

Anyway .. my clothes. Now with me around the fires every day .. most people have a rather solid idea of what I have to wear .. not a big stretch of the imagination. I was a little embarrassed when Jaella started talking to me about it .. but just a little. I rattled off what I own and told her I could use a new vest and she said she would make sure I had another .. to make two.

And she did that all right .. but the thing she gave me is not clothes. It is like a work of art. Where am I supposed to wear this? to my pyre? It is beautiful. I do not wear beautiful ... if I do it does not stay beautiful for long.

I am very thankful .. and I intend to give her a big bosk as a kind of congratulations .. thank you .. and payment for the vest. But .. truth be told ... I am a little embarrassed to wear it. It does not go with anything I own. It looks ... different. New. Not well worn. It makes my other clothes feel bad. I like to look at it though. So I hung it up over one of the chests in my wagon. I did the same thing with the saddle blanket she made. Like a picture. I like to look at it too.

Caress

"Don't you know this tale
In which all I ever wanted
I'll never have
For who could ever learn to love a beast?

However cold the wind and rain
I'll be there to ease your pain
However cruel the mirrors of sin
Remember beauty is found within

...Forever shall the wolf in me desire the sheep in you..."

-Nightwish

It is not something that I try to do. But it is something I am rather good at. Unfortunately. When something is bothering me I am a wounded Kur when it comes to trying to get to me. That means close to me or through to me .. either one. I am a good listener .. I am an excellent source of wisdom .. if ... I say if ... I am comfortable. Otherwise there is only one thing on my mind and that is what is making me not comfortable. And I am going to worry it like a sleen with a bone until it stops bothering me. Either I solve it .. or I give up and walk away from it. But as long as it is there ... and I am there ... good luck trying to find me without my hackles up.

I was bristling all over today after my talk with blue. My talk .. more like my ripping her so many new assholes I would not know where to start to fuck her in one of them. Choices.

I was furious .. enraged ... puzzled ... irritated ... and a few other negative adjectives thrown in for flavor. I wanted to destroy something .. break it apart and tear it to shreds and what came bouncing across to me from my wagon? T'zuri.

I was not signed up for dancing and happy today. I growled at her and crouched by my small fire. Beware .. dangerous ground. I will give her credit .. she got it pretty fast that I was not in the mood for frivolity. My spines so thin and razor sharp they severed sound from thin air and it fell in sharp strained pieces all around us.

She snuggled up next to me and asked me what had me bent so out of shape and twisted sideways. I told her blue pissed me off. She asked me how .. and I told her she did not want to know .. just back off and I would get over it. Usually that works.

Big surprise it did not. Should know by now.

She shifted all around inside her little bundled up crouch next to mine .. not enough to invade my space just enough so I was more than aware she was there and ... in motion. Have I said she reminds me of Mezoo's jit? Let me say it one more time. I want to strangle that monkey too.

She said she really did want to know. I demanded she tell me why if she wanted me to believe her.

She said she needed to know so she could decide if she needed to go leap on her like she did Arigh. This said as she slid her little fingers over and between mine. I chuckled despite my anger.

I told her I had a conversation with Cana .. and blue made herself a part of it. I did not tell her what the conversation was about. It was still too raw and personal for me. Too hard to talk about with anyone. Which is the main reason that I ripped blue's head off for trying to talk to me about it. That and she really did have no idea what she spoke of. None at all. Not even T'zuri could give me a valid opinion on it. Even she had never known that side of me. Perhaps that is why I am dragging my heels so much in making her .. la kajira. Wrapping my head around it all.

I know it is irresponsible of me not to shove her one way or the other. I know in my indecision of the matter I am creating problems I will have to deal with later .. but now tell me whose business is it but my own? Not even T'zuri's at the moment .. she gave up the right to demand anything the moment she submitted to my will. My will ... not hers ... and certainly not anyone else's. This is my picture I am painting and to hell with anyone who does not like the way I am doing it.

I am still bristling.

I am not really sure how she molded and flowed around me like some kind of liquid. It seems I must prick and poke her. My thoughts and words so sharp and cruel. How can she not bleed? She is so naive and tender .. how can she not be wounded for it all? I do not mean half of it .. at least not as harsh as it comes out of my mouth. I wish had words when I am angry. Good words .. instead I have only razor sharp ends that seem to carve and puncture.

The crazy thing is .. when I look in her eyes and I see myself there it is like she does not remember any of the bad stuff .. like it does not stick to her. Like she never even sees it. And instead of lulling me into some kind of self denial .. that it really does not exist. I want to be better for it.

Not just with her .. but with everyone. Do they realize what she does for them? Do they understand how it effects them too? Would they care if they did? Or am I really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

That begins to wax even too deep for me.

Bottom line I felt better for the few moments I spent with T'zuri by my fire. I suppose that is really all that matters. I did not have to vent or rage about another person to feel that way .. I did not have to tell her all that made me uncomfortable about my conversation with Cana .. she did not have to crawl all up in my shit and know what happened. I just needed to know someone gave a wild fuck that my fur had been ruffled the wrong way .. and in caring ... could still respect my space.

I Do Not .. Get It

Blue irritated me today. I wonder if I will ever open a conversation about blue without using that statement. I hope so.

Anyway .. blue irritated me today. Today she came to tell me all the things she had figured out ... her epiphanies. I listened. Words mean very little to me. They mean something .. but not much. You can talk till you are "blue" in the face .. what matters to me is ... can you act on it. Can you live it.

To die for me is easy .. can you live for me?

If she had left it at that .. it would have been fine. Nothing to sing about .. but nothing too irritating. But she went and stepped on something she had no right to step in. She thought she could comment on a conversation I had with Cana. And she thought she could teach me something .. a lesson about it. She is sadly .. poorly mistaken. It is none of her business. It is not her's to comment on. She has no knowledge or right to think she knows a damn thing about it. She does not. She does not know me. She has never been a part of what she speaks with authority on. She can not know .. therefor can not say.

Did she think first of all .. that I would allow her to make a conversation between free people her own?

Did she think second of all that I would allow her to speak with authority on something she has no experience with?

Did she think thirdly that I would tolerate her assumptions about me .. telling me that I am wrong? Arguing with me about me to teach me a lesson about me?

I did not of course. She continued to argue with me. I dismissed her to argue somewhere else. She .. was happy about that. She went to ... argue ... with herself.

I do not get it. I watch her gut herself over and over again ... believing it is me doing it and she is .. happy ... about it. Like she is giving me this gift of sacrifice. Well I did not ask for a sacrifice. That is not me gutting her .. that is her gutting herself. She seems to have a better master/slave experience without me there. That is so strange to me. A slave wanting nothing .. needing nothing from me at all. I suppose it is a good thing .. more camp slaves like that and I would have shitloads of time on my hands for other things.

The best master on the Plains and I do not have to do a damn thing.

But .. it is weird. I actually ... do not get it.

Soul of Fire .. Touch of Ice

I do not ask sleen what she wants from me very often. At least not around free women. I am pretty damn sure I know what she will say .. in great detail ... and I do not need to get that started at the fires .. unless I am waxing obnoxious of course.

I am comfortable around sleen. I do not feel any pressure from her. I mean I know what she wants from me .. that is obvious ... but she seems content to serve me in any way I desire and she floats in and out of my space without me even realizing it. I am not really sure how she does that. I wish I did .. I would like to be able to teach it. Her skin is hot like her soul is made of fire .. but her touch is cool and soothing.

That does not touch on her sexuality. The girl is leaking it out of her edges. And no .. I will not say oozing like Ina .. or refer to puddles. If the girl starts leaving puddles without proper motivation I will have Fal... I will have Silken check her out. Now there is an idea. Silken and Sleen. S's.

Smirk.

She smells like nutmeg. Sleen .. not Silken. And I know that because I asked her what it was that she smelled like. I like it ... on her. It is a little different and teases some kind of comfort hunger in me. The only bad thing I have heard about her service so far is that she is so sexual. I really try to be understanding but .. I really do not find that to be a problem. I think I could put a dung sack over sleen and she would still be sexy. So .. why should I? Might as well flaunt it.

What Tribe Really Means

I got a gift from Jaella today. The saddle blanket that she had started with Mayala and finished despite Mayala leaving the Tribe. It was a patchwork of pieces brought together to form a great vista of the Tuchuk people. It was an impressive bit of leather work and I was honored that she gave it to me. I told her it was so going to get dirty .. she said leather can be cleaned. I asked her if she would show T'z-boots how .. and she got this look in her eye. She said she would be willing to do so and even had some things she figured that the slave could do for her. Well that look in her eyes had me take a few steps back and wonder what it meant .. I am not sure I will be sending my boots to her. At least not until I know what that look means. Lately I have had to retrain a couple of the slaves after people make their preferences sound like all encompassing laws. I have no desire to go through that any more than I absolutely have to. And considering how often the men of the First Fires offer their personal slaves for service? I do not feel I have any need to do so.

I asked Jaella to make me a vest .. I can count the clothes I have on two sets of fingers. It would be something out of the ordinary to have a new one .. I liked the idea.

We continued to speak though .. of Tribe and what it means. How many different people come together with different ideas and how it all melts into one big people and one bigger understanding. I think this is true for the most part .. in theory it is the way of the Tuchuk. As with all theories it has flaws here and there but I honestly believe in it. I keep trying for that .. even when I get angry and frustrated with people who do not.

There are times when I bow my head and hunch my shoulders and ask for it to be taken from me. This great responsibility. To let it go to someone else. But those moments do not last .. I gain some bit of energy .. some spark of something from someone ... like Jaella ... that remind me why I do it. Why I am who and what I am and that I can take another step ... and another .... and another.

To those people during those times .. I am very thankful.

Baby Blue

lullaby baby blue
time to kick off your walkin shoes
and hug the pillow on your bed
and lay down your sleepy head

hush now
no need to talk
hear the ticking of the clock
stars that twinkle stars that shine
dream and you'll have wings to fly

goodnight baby blue
close your eyes baby blue
the moonlit sky watches over you
so close your eyes
baby blue

-Keb' Mo'

You're just as beautiful to me when you're singin' the blues .. use it.
Meet me on that blue-berry hill and we will torture some music together.

Her ... On My Step

Seduced by something much more simple than events conspired to lure and fascinate. I find myself in a world of primary colors that blend easily together without a strain on the eye.

Simple like the sound of the wind walking through the grass. The color of the Sky on a winter's morning. The evening star. Or the smell of stewed meat after a long day of riding.

I realized something this year. I will have to replace the structure of my wagon. I had meant to after the storm but things just got away from me and I ended up with just more patching. I mean .. I have the leather top ... and the bracing ... I just have not put it all together. The more time I spend in my wagon the more I realize how much needs to be done. I have not cared much for it since it became my own .. and I moved my simple ... there is that word again .... world into it.

Not that I intend to lose that sparse clean aura that I have attained within it. But the structure itself must be improved.

I got waylaid by Oren and Astar .. demanding that I get a few pots of my own. What? Why? Now? Since when? Oh.... boots. Well .. I had not thought of that before. Despite the fact the two of them had me backed into a corner .. not easy to do on the plains ... they both had amused quirks to the corners of their mouths and I got the distinct feeling they were amused.

The entire thing was uncomfortable. Why could they not just leave well enough alone .. why did they have to go changing things. All of them. Women. I was feeling claustrophobic and had the distinct desire to go riding again ..but I needed one of my clean tunics. I escaped the twins of terror and made it to my steps and I had to pause .. there painted upon one of them was a little heart ... I touched it to see if it was dry and it was mostly. Fortunately for the heart .. I did not smudge it. I shook my head with a smirk and got my tunic from the chest .. jogging down my steps then.

I do not know where my boots was but since I did not see the dirty laundry where it usually sits I guessed she was making herself useful. I had a few ideas for that myself but they could wait until I had the time to share them with her. For now I had about a hundred things to do and just about as many people that wanted to talk to me about them.

I think that heart on my step is an example of those .. simple things ... I was trying to describe earlier. It was such a girlie thing to do .. but I did not see the heart when I looked at it. I saw her .. I smelled her ... I tasted her. And I carried that with me throughout the day.

Taste

O, why did ye not melt, and leave my sense
Unhaunted quite of all but - nothingness?

-Keats


Sex. I know what the word is. I know how to write it .. even if I rarely admit that I do. I know what the act is. I know how to do it. Well enough I am not plagued with doubt as to ability. To inspire? There is but to spur the primal need .. and yet ...

She is like a maze to me. Both chastity and beauty meant to be plundered and ravished in appreciation ... like narrow wagon streets where I wander from one to the next without reason. One foot in lofty ... I feel as if my head is full of webs and mists and I can not quite grasp what it is that trips so easy from my tongue when I have no wish to speak it.

And it is all such boskshit.

Is it her virginity? No .. virgins more ripe with their innocence have fallen to my tongue without so much as a thought spared the soul of destiny.

Is it possession? I have possessed .. I have conquered. I have stood the gauntlet of bestial passions a man when at the end I am clawed and bled for the fight of it.

Is it my own loneliness? I have disdained the best and chosen to be alone many more times than not.

So what then? What haunts me with an ahn .. a day ... between? Is it love? This thing I profane with distrust. By doubt have I spoken it into existence? Have I born it on my very fear? Have I fabricated this vision from transient moments of pain? Shall it be so fleeting a thing as my imagination?

Or is love in spite of it all .. a thing... as I once believed .... more powerful than even my creative force.

Who am I to grasp such petaled softness in callused and dirty hands. To leave velvet perfection marred and marked forever by my own humanity. I will fail .. I always do. One small thing will escape me and I will come to miss and yearn for that which I have lost .. how then can I step forward when I know that this awaits in store for me more surely than my eventual death?

Am I afraid of death? No surely not for I have faced it a dozen times over with head held high and lance held with no infirmity within my grasp. I have dared death .. charged it with no crack in courage nor intent. So why is love a power to be feared so more than death? Because as a man I have been trained to believe that honorable death is nothing more than what is sought by every man-child of the Tuchuk? Generations ingrained within my cells of war cries and battle sounds that lull and lure even the most gentle of men?

And yet .. truth be told ... in the face of love I am a coward and with every breath I must desecrate this sacred trust I have been given. I must humiliate this perfection and whisper vulgar lies to pollute the amity between us.

Is she deaf that she does not hear? Is she blind that she does not see? Is she mute that she does not defend herself against me? Is there no enmity within her for me? No matter what evil thing I vomit in her presence?

I still smell her upon me. Her scent lingering to remind me of fruit yet to be savored .. a rich ripe nectar to be seduced from the flower. She flits about my thoughts ... am I lover or madman? What shall be left within when all this vile waste is vented from me and I am unable to change that which I rage upon and pray will stand the force of all I throw against it?

A New Song

Like a melody with single notes .. note by note .. simple ... before all the other is added in. A dance .. one step .. two step ... three step. A string with knots .. one by one a language ... a story of people and events.

I am on new ground here. Creeping along and trying to watch my backside. I know that is not how it is supposed to be. I know it should be different. This learning of love thing .. but I have lived too long with great examples of what is not love that I am all about paranoia. So it happens the way I do it and no other's way.

In my head the woman T'zuri has one foot stuck in being free and one stuck in being a slave. I am just not wrapping my head all around it yet. Dragging my heels a little. Waiting for the lance tip to drive between my ribs from a direction I forgot to look. One careless moment.

The crazy thing is .. notice how many times I use the words insane and crazy lately? There is a reason ... so the crazy thing is that she keeps floating along with me adjusting to my demands like she does not care where I put her or what I do with her or how I feel about it when I do... just so long as she gets to be with me. I get myself all wound up and pull that dominant shit and she nods her pretty head at me. I am all dressed up for war .. lance .. helmet ... chains and all ... sitting on my war kaiila and ... there she is kneeling all dressed up in nothing but a white flag and a smile.

And those black boots.

So how the hell am I supposed to wag war against that?

Right.

So I may not be waging a war here .. but caution is the name of the game.

For days I thought on a collar. Usually it flows quite naturally for me. For bell it was a piece of my belt. It pleased me. For T'zuri I did not know. A length of new leather was oiled and worked through my fingers when I had time. It helped me think. It reminded me of the work I had put into the armband I wore and that is when it came to me. Fell into place.

It was time for a new song. A song that was mine and not someone else's. A song that I was writing.. forming measures and verses to. My history .. the history of Fonce. Had I not .. so many years ago ... asked the Sky for someone to paint with? Back when I believed .. when I had faith. When I looked to the Sky.

So why not. Why not have my own song. Why not create my own music .. my own story. Instead of worshipping and coveting another. I was not meant to live like that.

I am Fonce. I am Haruspex. I am warrior. I am the Ubar of the Tuchuk.

I will have my own song.

Some Things Change .. Some Remain the Same

I am irritated. Big surprise.

And it all boils down to my opinions again. My feelings. But I guess when it comes to me .. that is what counts .... right? I mean .. if you want to know what makes me tick .. what gets to me .. what makes me like you or not like you ... it is my feelings that need to be considered ... right?

Now in the great grand scheme of things .. what does it change? Nothing important. Just things within me.

Since when is a slave wrong for serving me? Since when does a slave have to apologize for caring about me? Am I not her master? Am I not the Ubar? Why does her service to me demand her apology? She did nothing wrong.

Those who demand it .. offend me. She was free at the time to serve any person at the fires .. she chose me. For a moment she put my feelings first. And what does she get for it? Belittled .. cut apart and strictures given. Driven to the point that even though I publicly defended her .. to those who accused ... she still acted shamed and sorry.

Two things came out of my irritation that night.

One .. it will be a long time before I believe those involved when they say they care about me.

Two .. it will be along time before I publicly defend that slave because what I did was a gift that was discarded in the face of other's disapproval of her service to me.

I hate waste.

Her ... Gift

"...The music was loud. The beat louder. It jostled her sense and she smiled as patrons played in the numbed dimension of drunkenness that made them obnoxious and endearing at the same time.

She felt the effects of her own drink. A warmth. An easing of the tension between cells. The sliding into the sway of music as things took on a more liquid hew.

It was a sudden jolt as someone clipped her elbow and her drink fell with a silent shattering on the floor. Irritation like a white light flashed over her but it was slowly drowned by the quiet assurance that enveloped her from the side. As if he had always been there. He bent and spread a white handkerchief on the floor. Piece by piece he began to pick up the shattered remnants of her glass. She wanted to protest. It was nothing but a bar glass. But she was spell bound by the act itself. Here .. in a place like this. As if the cheap shards were diamond chips.

His shoulders were strong. The dark suit fit like it was tailored. It probably was .. not many men carried handkerchiefs any more. Not in the circles she was used to milling around in. But that was the point .. right? Why she was here. His hair was black and cut close to his head. The idle thought of touching it left her with the assuring assumption that it would caress her fingers right back.

He rose and her eyes met his and she knew then this was the man she had been sent to meet. But a sudden defiance welled up in her as his black gaze seemed so aware of her .. so comfortable as if he knew and did not care. She felt her own chin lift as he offered her his arm. When had the music .. the sound of the crowd ... faded? What was she doing? His face was so strong and sure. It matched the picture but .. if only the picture could have warned her of the power that emanated from him. Like the scent of his cologne. Clean .. pure ... something with cedar.

From the moment she put her fingers at the crook of his elbow the feel of his suit .. the muscle beneath ... she dropped her head respectfully. But a terribly gentle touch lifted her chin. Her eyes met his mouth and rose no further. This was the way it was supposed to be. This was the way it went .. the dance.

But he kept insisting.. breaking the rules. Lifting her features until her eyes would submit and meet his own black ones again. She felt his gaze race through her blood stream as it touched her lungs. When the connection was made he nodded .. turning to walk from the bar and without trying or thinking about it at all her step fell naturally with his.

A roller coaster of emotion. She was doing exactly what she had been sent to do .. better than she had planned it herself and yet .. and yet ... she had the knowledge she was no more in control of these events any more than the wave controlled the tide or the island controlled the volcano .. they were simply along for the ride...."

- from one of mine

More Powerful Than Steel

How easily I sacrificed everyone in that plea. In a way I meant every word and in another I did not. I begin to grow .. stretch ... and there are those that have been there for me in ways I can never properly repay. They have cared for me in their ways and I am a better man for it. I did not mean to make them less .. or not important with that plea. I think I have placed everything that I have left .. every shred of hope and belief ... however small .... in her. On her. A terribly dangerous and misguided thing to do. But she is not here to make me regret it. In her absence .. we are both safe.

So what do you do with it all? What is there for a man to do when it all starts falling apart around him and everything he grasps turns to dust?

Save one. Whatever you do .. at least you can say you saved one.

Well if there was anyone who needed saving from me at the moment it was T'zuri. She was rather the epitome of "needing to be saved". So I wound all that right around her and with all that energy focused like a beam of light through glass ... I headed for my wagon.

In my hands I held the vest and skirt she had shed for me at the stream when she submitted ... and if you have to ask me where I got them you have not been paying very close attention.

I was a storm of intent .. nearly not human any more for it. My gaze on something that was not here .. with us. She tried to greet me .. as she usually does ... but I grabbed her up by the hair and I drug her backwards into my trajectory that held the inner sanctum of my wagon as a goal. My breathing and step without rhythm .. drunk for the lack of it. The heels of those little black boots attempting to find the steps behind her. I felt her little hands clutch at my wrist and arm attempting to save her scalp as I jerked her up over the steps and before I threw her within onto the floor. Her skirt and vest slapped at her as I threw them and choked out in a voice that did not seem to be my own ... "get dressed .. get dressed fast ... you are going home to your momma and Letti .... now."

She was smoothing her hair .. asking me what happened .. what it was about. The femininity of the gesture nearly had me insane. I still could not get the visions out of my head and she wanted me to have this conversation with her about it. I could not find the words and my chest kept rising and falling sporadically .. which was really crazy because I was damn sure that all the air I was taking in was getting trapped in my lungs ... strangled there and held for ransom. Why could she not just do what I asked? It was simple .. a directive. For once in her little jit monkey life ... why did she have to fuck with me like this? Now? I felt that edge slipping through my fingers and I tried desperately to hang on ... just a little bit longer. The line between saving and destroying ... loving and hating is so small ... had she lost her mind?

She asked me if I expected her to go back .. like none of it ever happened. I stared at her. Well .. duh. I nodded somewhat desperately. Somewhere inside of me the boy was grasping onto the idea that I could still fix this .. put all the pieces back together with some glue and hold tight .. blowing gently and praying the cracks would disappear.

"I can't go back."

"But you have to."

She told me all the reasons she could not .. would not. Things about what would kill her .. destroy her. But the thing that got to me .. the thing that took all the energy out of me ... she said it did not matter what I did. She would just come back.

Well fuck.

What the hell do you do with that? Fucking jit monkey fish out of water boskshit anyway. There was not a damn thing I could do about it. Not a thing. Either I accepted it .. or I fought it. Fighting it would drag it all over this camp like butter melting on a hot black cooking pot. I can control a lot of things .. but not love. I can not control her. No matter how hard I try I can not make her love me .. or not love me. The collar had nothing to do with it. As powerful and all consuming as we men like to believe we are .. there is one thing we can never grasp in our hands. The love of a woman. It either is .. or it is not. And good luck trying to force it one way or the other.

I could throw her back. It would not change her love. I could never speak to her again. It would not change her love. I could humiliate and ridicule her .. I could tear her apart as a person and destroy everything about her .. but I could not change her love. I could kill her .. send her ashes to the Sky and still ... all the things I could do .. whether I ended up with her in my arms or not ... there is nothing I could do or not do to change love. Not real love. Not unconditional love.

I realized Cana was wrong and right at the same time. She was right .. that I can not control love. I can not force a woman to love me. But she was wrong .. wrong in that the collar can not destroy or create love any more than I can. You see ... I do not think there is force or power on these plains or in the Sky that can control a woman's love. Something terribly and awfully secure in that.

No.. Not That ... Take anyone but Her

Perhaps it was just the pressure in my head. The stationary panic coupled with all the other bits scratching on the inside of my skull. Enough to drive a saner man than I over the edge. So I suppose I can not be surprised at the edge I find myself .. clinging to.

Seeking the company of others .. in the hopes to drown out the million and one voices screaming for me to do something .. anything. My head hurts .. probably because of the tension in the muscle of my jaw. Wound tight and I can not relax. A simple conversation really .. is all I needed. Please do not ply me with Stupidity today ... not today. Anything .. anytime ... but today.

It was quiet at the fires. Idle conversations. How are you .. I am fine. How are the bosk .. they are fat and lazy. How are the axles .. they are greasy. How are the quiva .. sharp enough to shave with. I was waxing obnoxious. Perhaps that is why everyone let me slip into my thought coma. They could feel it seeping out of me and had no idea what to do with it. Everything was a little funny .. in a hazy kind of way. Good thing I did not start giggling like a little girl .. they would have staked me out on the grass and brought a Spex to free my inner daemon.

They could sure try.

But of course none of that happened and I was left alone to stare into the emptiness of my bowl. Huge mistake on my part. I drifted like the vestiges of steam from the sides.

The first hint of the blade was at the corner of my forehead. I tensed .. but could not move. I felt the razor sharp action as it drug itself back over my head. The heavy thick strands of my hair falling down my arm to coil like black snakes .. writhing and hissing around me. I still could not move.

Slowly I became aware that .. it was no one doing this to me .. but it was me .. myself.

I have made no secret about my hair or what it means. I have no need to explain to you any more than I have this part of the vision or why it disturbed me so deeply.

The rest of it was spun all around someone else ... and I dare not repeat it for the simple fear that by doing so I might lend some credence to the thing. In some way give it value and substance. I can not take the chance that in some careless repetition .. I might in any way make it more real.

It would kill me if it were real. Kill me in the same way that shaving my head would take a part of me that could never be returned. I miss her so much. So much. If only she were here now .. to help me. To save me from what I have witnessed. Like a bad dream I want to wake up and realize she is right there .. with me. But she is never here when I need her.

It does not stop me wishing that she would be.

To stop the vision I threw the bowl into the fire .. scattering ash and sparks everywhere. I tried to see those there .. if only one of them could have pulled me back into reality away from the vision .. but I could not focus. I could not see them clearly nor reach for any one of them. I scrambled back and ran .. the shapes still shifting before my eyes even as I attempted to get away.

To be blind is a terrible feeling .. to still see the horrific deeds I had done in my vision replaying themselves over and over before my eyes ... was worse.

I know blue left the fires behind me .. in her attempt to heel. I know it was because she cared .. but she is not learned enough. She has not realized enough yet ... there is no way she could help me through this. It would destroy her. I lost her. It was easy enough. Her focus is still her .. and only a completely selfless person could have withstood the force of what was going on inside of me. But I did notice .. and I was pleased. The desire to help me .. though without the capability ... was still appreciated.

What Do You Want .. From Me?

I had a lot on my mind. For understatements that takes first prize.

I came to the First Fires seeking distraction.

Arigh asked me if something was troubling me. I told her a lot of things were on my mind. She asked if I wanted to talk about it .. but before I could answer her she told me she had looked for my kite but could not find it. I told her .. I had.

She told me she was confused. I asked her about what? She told me of a conversation she had with Saresh. The kind where they really talked. That he apologized to her. I asked her if things were better .. patched up ... between them.

I know a lot of water went under that bridge from what Arigh had told me in the last few months. I know she was pretty upset about it all so when she said they were on better ground I was pleased.

But ... she said ... that she could forgive him but she was not sure she could trust him. I told her trust was not built on apologies but .. that in time it would come back based on actions.

Ina and blue and a few other joined the fires. Blue seems to have pissed Arigh off to a degree that caused me to tell the slave she was forbidden to serve Arigh until I gave her leave to do so. I do not know what blue did .. right now I do not care. If it is something for me to correct Arigh will make that clear to me. Otherwise I will just keep the two of them apart for a while. I certainly do not have the energy to deal with their tiff right now.

Now somewhere in there Saresh came to the fires .. he tested out his new bola on blue and then brought it to me as a gift ... a gift to pay for taking care of Arigh while he was ... taking care of a few things. This was very odd to me .. what was odder is that he asked for Arigh back. Now I am not unaware that Mayala is missing .. and presumed to be gone for good so I asked Saresh whether he was asking for Arigh back as a mate or as a ward. He said he wished to be her guardian. I was pleased by that .. I was pleased he was not seeking a mate yet before things with Mayala were put to some kind of rest. Now as we were talking Arigh was bubbling over like a boiling pot .. which I ignored because it was an interruption to a conversation among men. But I told Saresh that I had absolutely no problem with him being Arigh's guardian but that the two of them needed to be on the same step about it and it appeared they were not.

Now they went off to talk and when Arigh returned she wanted more than anything to talk to me about it. But I did not want to talk about it. I wanted the two of them to figure this shit out between them. I did not want to be involved. Even a little bit. At all. Ever.

Why could she not just respect that? Why did she spend all morning asking me what I wanted and needed only to ignore the one little tiny simple thing I asked of her?

But no .. Arigh nagged at me until I finally let her speak to me aside from the fires. It was that or she was going to get the brunt of everything in my head busting loose all over her and .. well ... I have yet to do that to any free woman. So I strode off aside from the fires and set my shoulders to the great rear wheel of the wagon ... hooking the heel of my boot on a low rung and crossing my arms over my chest.

She was near tears .. which was an irritation in itself ... and told me that Saresh had convinced her that his reputation depended on her giving him another chance. How true that was I have no idea but that is what Arigh thought and since I was dealing with Arigh that is pretty much all I had to go on. So she was in a panic about "what ifs" and I told her I had no answers for her "what ifs". Then she got very quiet which made me want to pluck her eyeballs out and spread them like jelly all over the grass with my heel.

I asked her ... what do you want from me?

I know she had no idea how on edge I was and how far she was shoving me over it.

She asked me what I would do. I told her I was not a female. She asked what I would tell a female I cared about? I nearly strangled her. I replied that I would not tell a female I cared about what to do. It is about Arigh's future .. about what Arigh wants ... not what Fonce wants.

She said she could not trust him yet.

Sounded to me like she made up her mind all ready.

I told her what Saresh does is up to Saresh. Saresh will make decisions about his life and it was not all about Arigh. That this was her future .. not Saresh's not mine .. Arigh's. That she needed to give a fuck about her own future and either she wanted this .. trusted him ... or she needed time.

She said thank you Fonce.

Then she asked if I would be there when she told him her decision.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

No Arigh .. I will not. This is something you and Saresh need to work out and it has not one shredded bit to do with me.

I needed air .. space. She did too. So we parted.

I know she is at an edge .. that kind of edge where the next decision makes a big difference in her life and I know that is not easy but .. damn. This was not the distraction I had been looking for.

I hope the two of them can work this out.

Without me.

Blind .. Deaf ... And Chained

... to my own inability.

Do you ever get the idea that .. it has all happened before? And the terrible awful thing you know for a fact is going to happen will happen no matter what you do or say to stop it? Because if you even try .. that act itself will be the exact thing needed to ensure that it does happen exactly like you know it will?

Yeah .. that is where I was at.

It is a kind of .. stationary panic. The kind of panic where you just do not move. Because moving could be the worst thing you could do. So you just stop and think. Well ... the thinking comes after you run around inside yourself screaming their air out of your lungs.

Stationary Panic. The concept nails it for me. Fear was crawling out of my chest through that tiny slit over my heart and I wanted to run like my legs have never run before .. to DO something ... anything .... to make it all right. But .. run where? Do what? Anything I might do could be the key that set all the events that lurked ominously over my shoulder into full force ahead and I would not be able to catch them. Like dust in the wind.

So after I had a complete melt down .. all inside of myself. The idea was to stop ... drop .... and think. I got the stop and drop part down but the thinking just was not happening yet for me. Every time I started to think I started running around in circles again.

I felt like all the answers were right there .. so close to my reach. But I was blind deaf and chained to my own inability to the point I could not begin to grasp them. I had that strange panic feeling that I was all stripped down and exposed with my guts hanging out of my stomach and I was so busy trying to pick them up off the ground .. dirt rocks .. grass and all to stuff them back in .... that I was missing the fact I was naked and exposed.

The best place to have a stationary panic is in the middle of a group of people. Why? Because you are not going to act like an idiot on purpose .. so you have to just be all right and think about what they are all saying to you and you do not run off to do all the things that you want to do but that you are rather sure are going to make the rest of your life a horrific nightmare.

Stationary Panic. Do nothing. Do not even think too hard about it. Just ... hold ... still. Do not .. even ... breathe.

Tal Tuchuk .. so how is everyone today?

Not Ready to Save .. Even One?

I was stomping through and around the kaiila pens with what was left of my kite .. scaring all the beasts from one end to the other with a rushing thunder of paws. Served them right .. stupid animals.

Then I saw Cana working on a saddle and I made my way over to her. She was excited to see my kite .. asked me if I thought it could be repaired and I told her I hoped so.

I told her I freed bell. She said she knew and was happy about it. That relieved me for though I was sure she would be ... I could not be sure until she confirmed it. She saw my relief and imagined that not all were happy about the decision and I told her .. fact was that not one person seemed to be unhappy about it. At least not to me. In fact everyone seemed to find it completely natural.

Now Cana is someone whose opinion I take as important to me. She has been my friend and has shown me in many ways she cares about me as a friend. So I asked her what she thought about slaves. The question had been spinning around in my head for days now. Between be-Leonette and T'zuri I was all mixed up and inside out about some things. I asked her what she saw as the purpose of a slave.

She said she had not thought much about it passed the idea they are there to serve. She said she thought she would make a poor one. I asked her why. Not because I did not have my own thoughts on why .. but because I wanted hers.

She said she was stubborn and did not feel it in her heart to be that subservient.. which made sense to me.

I asked her if she meant that she did not feel that way to everyone .. or if she had ever felt that way with one person. She said she felt that way .. somewhat ... with Tayco. But that it was out of love.

So I asked her .. is that why bell was submissive to some but free to most? Even in the collar.

She said she believed so .. that bell had not ever appeared even to her as a slave but as a woman. She said that bell loves me.

I let that last statement go. I do not know what to believe with that .. I have too much in the way there.

So I asked Cana .. her opinion ... whether bell would have survived my collar or if she was meant to be free in her love ... more as a mate to someone.

She said she did not think bell would have survived. She would have faltered and lost something of herself. But her next words took me back some. It was not because bell needed to be free in her love .. her reasoning was based on the fact she did not believe I was ready to accept the responsibility of unconditional love. That statement blew my brain in many different directions but before I took any of them I asked her to explain it. What she meant by that.

She said before a person can love .. they have to love and understand themselves and it seemed to her I had not reached that point. She said I hold back.

I asked her .. if she thought bell offered me unconditional love.

She said she did not know enough to say .. but that bell was convinced that she did offer me unconditional love.

I asked her if she thought I would destroy any woman I took as a personal slave. She told me to answer a question for her ... why had I released bell from my collar back to being a camp slave?

I answered her .. because that is what bell wanted. She asked me if I had asked bell at the time why? Well of course I had. Bell told me I was not her destiny .. that I had been a mistake. That her path was the boy .. to save him from what she no longer could save me from.

She asked me .. did I not think that perhaps that was her destiny at the time because I was not ready to accept the kind of love she was offering to me? I said of course I had .. had I not let her go? I had not punished her for it. She asked me if it bothered me to do so. I answered her that it hurt to hear I was a mistake. That none of it meant anything. I told her I begrudged the boy nothing .. if she could keep him from turning into someone like me ... why would I stop that from happening?

Cana said she did not consider me a mistake .. nor that there was anything wrong with me. But in the face of her other words these made no dent in what I was feeling at the time. Everything she was saying was convincing me I had made a terrible ... terrible mistake. A lot of them .. actually. Go figure .. me making mistakes when it came to women. Not a big stretch of the imagination. If there was not something horrifically wrong with me .. why then was the one thing in the world that had no conditions ... not mine to have?

She told me of her and Tayco .. of their love story. I asked her if she ever would have submitted to Tayco .. if that is something he wanted. She said no .. that no one can ever force another person to love. That the collar took that choice away. That shocked me. I asked her .. what if a woman loved before the collar? Would that be all right then? Would that be safe? She said for a woman like herself it would destroy her .. no matter how much love was there at first.

ah fuck

I Got the World .. On a String?

If it were not for the bosk ..and the work that I do as a herdsman and as a warrior ... I would go insane. A man just has to have things he is good at to counter balance all the shit he is not so good at. I am not so good at relationships .. at people.

So when I saw Sahli coming to the fires with some kind of yellow powder I asked him what it was. He said he was making dye for a kite. I wanted to know what a kite was .. when he explained it I knew exactly what a kite was. I had seen them .. though I had never been able to have one .. or fly one even as a boy. I wanted one more than anything at that moment. And I wanted it .. right then.

Both Leonette and Falon said they would help me make my own .. which is all right but I wanted a really good one and that meant I wanted Sahli to make me one. A good one .. one of the best. I did not want one that showed I did not know how to make one. Sahli said he would make me one .. then went off towards the stream. I could not wait any longer .. I wanted it so bad. So I took off after him.

Must have missed him .. somewhere in the wagons because I never found him at the stream. But later we met up at the fires again and he had blue bring me a huge yellow kite. With a tail. And it had a woman painted on it.

I am jealous .. jealous that I do not know how to fly it right yet. Jealous of Sahli's ability with the kites. But I am way more jacked up and excited about having my own. I was going to figure it all out and be fantastic at it. But there was no way in hell anyone was going to see my first attempts.

So I took the kite out on the plains. Someone should have warned me .. told me how it was because it went all wrong. First I could not seem to get the kite and the wind to communicate with each other at all. And then when they did .. they did it all without me.

I hunted all over for that kite. I felt stood up and broken hearted. I saw Arigh and blue by the stream and I do not even remember what we talked about. I know I was all sour. I left to keep looking for my kite. It had to be out there somewhere.

I found it though ... it was stuck on Kai's fang. His good one .. not his broken one. Now how he got a hold of it I will never know but Kai figured he had the best toy a kaiila ever found. Damn beast. I convinced him otherwise but by the time I got it away from him and stomped off it was in pretty bad shape.

I wonder if I can fix it. Well I know one more thing I am not so good at.

Aw How Cute It Is .. When It Sleeps

It was late as I returned to my wagon. I usually did not come to my wagon before riding out on patrol. It felt odd. Odd to return ... odd knowing someone was there now. Inside. Someone I knew waited for me. It has been a long time.

Someone whose world I had just changed drastically.

Me? Change her world? What about mine? Things were going to be different ... not that I had not owned slaves before ... but she was all ready turning things inside out. I had a feeling my life was changing in ways I had never ever considered possible before. Or if possible .. that I would like it.

Some of it I did not like. For example .. there were three women that let me know they wanted to be with me. Told me they loved me. And though I am not ready for a mate yet .. I do think of having one ... eventually. T'zuri took some of that vision away from me. Some of my thoughts regarding T'zuri have been taken away from me. Trimmed .. narrowed in scope. Thoughts with children in them .. heirs. Thoughts of things I would do with a free woman that I will never do with a slave. I am not always happy about choices being taken from me. I want children. I want a mate. I will have them and if not with T'zuri .. with someone.

However .. I can not deny that I am pleased that there is someone there .. for me ... now. In a way I can handle it. In a way I am ready for. In a way I can allow. Within the safety zone of my paranoia with women. There is a piece of me that reaches out to her for what she is willing to do for me .. to get close to me ... to know me. That kind of drive must be appreciated.

That kind of unconditional love must be considered ... valued. The chance to believe it exists. And though I see her a little as a fish who insists on jumping out of the water at my feet .. I have grasped her in my hands and run for the water barrel to see if I can keep her alive.

She had touched my heart. When? When she submitted? When I tasted her lips? When she understood about my weaknesses and needs? When she rolled in my furs like she belonged there? Naked .. beautiful. No .. no actually the moment she touched my heart was when I went to make the fire and she came next to me and added pieces. No words.. no begging to do it for me or telling me she was going to help me. No making a show of it .. just ... doing it. With me. Not for me. Like she belonged .. like she knew.

Like I was not alone.

That moment still caught in my throat and made it hard to swallow.

I was quiet as I toed up the steps. She was sleeping. As if the emotional drain she had been under was just too much .. and the ahn after ahn she had been left alone had finally weighted her eyelids. How peaceful she was ... no one would ever believe what a jit she was and how she was making such a mess out of my life. And oddly enough .. I would not have changed it.

Figures.

I did not wake her.. I would not have known what to say. I had so many thoughts about the unknowns. I do not know how to speak very well of the unknowns. I left before she woke and I stopped to speak to Oren for a few moments. Oren looked like she wanted to say a lot more to me than she did. But she left it off for another time and told me she would look after her for me.

I wonder how she will handle all my absences. Will it still be all right as my slave as it was when she was free? Does she expect this to change me? My time? My duties? How much like a woman that would be. I hope in that way she is not like a woman. I hope in that way she is still like T'zuri.

I carried with me the picture of her sleeping on my furs. Somehow I am quite sure it is the calm before the storm.

Fonce ..

I was at my Clan fires. Odd for me .. but it happens once in a while. Usually when I am easy with the idea that I will be avoiding most of the Elders and their questions. Questions I do not have answers for yet.

I was sitting at the fire alone .. with an egg in my fingers ... turning it slowly in the light from the coals .... when Tarra happened by and stopped to talk to me. We spoke of many things .. of Saresh and Mayala for one. It is not an easy subject for me .. Mayala asked me for help and I sent her back to Saresh.

I can not say I could have made any other decision but .. I am still haunted by it. When someone asks you for help .. and you do not give it ... when they are lost .... how responsible are you? I do not know .. despite the fact that there is not much that I could do. It still haunts me.

She asked me about me. Not something people do. At least in regards to my Clan and what I do as a Haruspex. I told her I was the last in my family's line of Dream walkers. I am a Dreamer. My success at being such is up for question still .. but that is who I am. The rest? I have not been able to do since .. De.. well since her. That I have not spoken of with anyone.

I just can not go back there .. yet. I can not face my failure ... yet. Not until I understand it some. Perhaps someday someone will allow me to go there with them .. and I will get passed this. But until then I .. just can not.

That part of my ability is as frozen as her fingers.

Tarra asked what I would want from someone if I could have anything I wanted. I told her .. understanding. I seem to be having that conversation more lately than I ever have before in my life. People asking me what I want. On one hand it is not that much to ask .. and on the other it seems to be like asking for one of the moons.

My conversation with Tarra was interrupted .. I had to go be Ubar. But the egg was ready .. and for that I was pleased.

Master! You Have to Help ..

Blue .. confuses me sometimes. Sometimes she seems to get it. Then .. like it all leaks out overnight ... the next time I see her it is gone. I wonder if one of the other slaves in the slave wagon is sucking it out of her brain while she sleeps. I so need to find that slave ... she has got to know her shit by now.

She seems to be such an emotional beast. Highs and lows. She seems to want to be at my feet so badly .. to be near me. But she still has no idea what she wants from me. It is still all about her ... and all about what she wants to serve me with. Now I will let a slave serve me .. and she does. But for the rest of it? She has a lot to figure out.

She needed my attention today .. told me I needed to help someone in the Tribe. I asked her who ... she let me know it was a private sort of conversation. I was all ready a little exasperated with her .. but I would never turn away from one of the Tribe members needing my help so I stepped aside from the fires with her.

She told me that Sahli needed my help desperately. I replied that if that was so I was sure Sahli would let me know. She said no .. he would not ... that he would be too embarrassed.

huh

So. I am supposed to go to him and ask about something that is that embarrassing? Obviously letting him know that someone spoke about this great embarrassing thing with me? And he may not want me to know enough to tell me but I know anyway so surprise here I am to help? You know .. for a slave blue does not know men very well at all.

So I asked her .. masochistic tendency and all ... what could be so important.

Then she told me.

Oh hell no.

Had she lost her little blue brain? Had she fallen off the edge of sanity? Was she aware of the gender of the person she was speaking to .. and then ... on top of that. It was me.

Oh hell no.

I told her if a guy wanted a guy to help him with shit like that he better not have me in mind. I do not ... do that. And she better get that through her head right now. Come on .. if Sahli told her I just imagine he shared it with HER for a reason. And if blue could not handle it .. I just imagine raven or sleen would be more than happy to sooth a little around the edges.

Well that twisted her chatka all up and she got pissed. So ... blue is a competitive little bitch I see. Good ... either she needed to get it done or she needed to step aside for someone who could and would.

At least I saw something more than pining out of blue. At least I saw her get possessive over her service to Sahli. She showed a spark of life that made her camp collar glisten a little.

However blue copped an attitude with me .. which was a mistake and I dismissed her to have her little temper somewhere else. That is a bit of blue I find tedious and irritating.

Blue needs to consider the feelings of others a little .. before she speaks. Sometimes in her hurry to help or serve she misses the big picture of how her words can sound and feel when she has not put enough thought into them. Unfortunately people do not know how to tell her this and they end up shaking their fingers at her for obvious and erroneous reasons that just give her the idea they are narrow minded and jealous ... and so she dismisses their thoughts as ludicrous and without value. There are ways of getting what you need done .. without barging through to the goal. Finesse .. I think if I could teach blue one thing ... it would be finesse.

Oh Baby .. How Does Your Garden Grow?

I am not an easy man. I am not full of niceties that feed and nurture a woman's inner seed of growth. I forget things on a regular basis. Get consumed with events and problems that enrage my thought processes and make a woman feel as if she is not there ... in it with me.

I do not allow women to stand beside me in my trials. I never have. That is not where a woman belongs. She belongs in a safe place .. away from the battle. I do not need to worry about her safety in the middle of all I am trying to do. I have time and energy for one .. that would be me. If I am to survive it .. I need to know she is somewhere taken care of. I do not go to war with women at my side. If she shows up .. chances are I am going to take her bodily and throw her somewhere to get her out of the fray. And take that as literally or figuratively as you please.

I am a man of temper. Frustrations that are taller than I am. Bigger than I am ... and sometimes they take control of me believing that they keep me safe. Believing that they defend me. When in truth they usually destroy. Which is the purpose of a weapon I suppose.

The closer you get to me .. the worse that is. Logical. The increased potential for hurt gets you up close and personal to the defense system. Raven has tasted this a little. She usually gets very good and very gone fast. Bell? Bell got a good swallow of my temper. Once more I destroyed someone close to me. Enough she asked to be released from me. How can I refuse someone that space? I have trouble being close to me... I can only imagine someone else.

Bell has been the one woman to get the closest to me. Is it any wonder I kept my eye on her? I have seen her doing well. Thriving. Growing. Yet I have seen something in her that I saw the first day I freed her.

So when she came to speak to me .. when she gave me her thoughts ... I simply asked her if she found it within her to be free. The feelings and emotions she gave me on the subject centered mostly around me. Something I tune out from her now .. to an extent. Something I do not completely believe from her at this point. Time will reveal more to me .. allow me to learn again. But for now I am too angry.

I kissed her before I took her collar off. I do not know if it was a kiss of goodbye or a kiss of hello. Bell ... or I should say ... Leonette .. has been and is on her own path. A path that takes her away from me. I do not know where this path leads or if it will return ... I do not know if it is me that has driven her away or if it is simply the nature of the path itself that she must follow.

I seem to have been needed by the Fates here and there to lend my power to further this path. Such as now .. giving a slave freedom. Something I am not known for. And each step away from me seems to add the breath to her wings. I do not know what that means .. there is a wall of red hot anger between us .. between me and my thoughts of her .. my belief in her. It is no longer physical in its manifestations ... but it is still there. Perhaps she can reach me better from the safety of her freed position.

What I do know is that it looks good on her. This freedom. What I do know is that those who care about her have accepted this like it always was there. Which makes me feel comfortable that I made the right decision for her best interests. For her well being. And the future will just have to take care of itself.

And Boots

Now .. I had this naked woman. Well naked all except for those black little boots I had given her. So you would think .. Fonce plus Naked equals ... yeah but you would be wrong.

You see .. I do not lack for sex. I have sex whenever I want sex. And though I was all in appreciation of the naked girl parts all over my furs and up close and personal on me ... I had this list of things I wanted to say first.

You see .. all these years of my life I have been bottling it all up and had no one to tell it all to and here she was ... so I started telling. And like most things when it sits that long it did not come out all ordered and arranged as it should be.

Circled all around on itself some and probably did not make sense all the time but it sure felt good to say some of it .. finally. And there is so much more. So much more I need to tell her. So many little things all lining up to get a chance to be heard.

I am crazy with it. I feel like I have to get her to this point I am at .. all at once ... so she is on the same step with me. But there is twenty some odd years to go over and some really intense experiences to share and I am trying to cram them all into this little time period and it is not working.

And I am afraid to touch her. I am afraid to break her. Like ... if I do she might just dissolve and disappear. Like my dreams. Crumble away between my fingers and be lost on the wind. I want her to be all right. Safe. Here .. in my wagon. All my things. What if she wants her things in here?

Good Sky .. not that.

So I just stare at her .. so beautiful on my furs ... I know she is talking but I am not listening ... but I could just look at her forever .... in her little boots.

Little Boots. Yeah .. it works.

Rhythm

And with the rhyme all metered and in place the rhythm took over and that is when all the rules went right out the flap.

I never bound her wrists .. I never put a collar on her neck. All the things that tradition stood there and shook his finger at me about.

But the weird thing was .. that once the structure was in place .. the rules were no longer so necessary. Things slid around inside the exoskeleton without leaking out and making things chaotic and a mess. Oddly enough it worked for me. Just like it was ... just like that.

Not sure how she did that. It sure was not me. I give her all the credit .. I am envious of her belief and love. How with a few simple words and gestures she can smooth it all away and I forget how much I want to kill her dead. You know .. once she gets it. Once I am able to get across to her what is eating me up inside.

And it is not like I have all the answers yet. Or that she does for that matter. But enough answers to take the next step.

So what will it all look like in the end? I have no idea. Everything is all different and new for me. Still within my boundaries .. obeying my lines ... but other than that? It is blowing all my preconceived perceptions of how it all worked and fit together.

This love thing .. it is a vast new territory with wide open vistas that stretch out to places I have never been before and I am itching and ready to explore it.

I am dancing and I have the rhyme but I am just now figuring out the rhythm and ... I am all right with that.

Rhyme

I was feeling blue. Melancholy had a hold on me something fierce. Now when that fit gets all up in my space I usually can be found by the stream. Any stream really .. water cools the fire of my soul and body. The sound of it running and tripping on the rocks does my heart good .. it does not take the sadness away .. in fact it gives it music. A twangy sort of free rhythm that dances over the tops of the grass like a zarlit lights easy on the surface of the water. Like being a little drunk .. a little tired .. a little sad ... missing someone awful .. but the memory is sweet enough you do not try to forget too hard. You just roll it all together and .. smoke it.

Not that I was thinking all that while I sat beside the stream with my little bone flute I keep trying to master. In fact .. what was on my thoughts was my mother. I wanted a sweet memory so I could miss her better. Something .. anything ... to make it hurt worse and less at the same time. What was she like? Did she love me? Did she want me? I wished I could tell her I was sorry.

I wish I had known her .. just a little ... just enough to call her momma .. instead of mother. So she was not just the woman who held me for nine months .. all cradled safe in her belly. But who she was without me .. something that was about her. Just her. Something feminine .. and beautiful ... and right.

All this talk of Haruspex .. and seeing and speaking to the dead has brought a lot of things up in my head. Like .. what if? What if I could? I feel everything inside of me get tight and shaky. But I do not do that. I do not go there. But what if I could just see her? Once? Have a memory of what she looked like .. forever.

So with all those blue thoughts and the melancholy fit I was grooving in I was making better rhythm on my thigh with that flute than I was making any kind of melody like most people do with that particular instrument.

Now along came T'zuri and she was sporting a mirrored reflection that had her all limp in the corners like wet paper. And that got us just talking a little and sharing stuff .. except I was having an awful time trying to just talk to her. So I told her so.

I felt like we had all this .. stuff ... between us that was unresolved. And it was eating at me and chewing on my more tender parts. I told her I was sorry for talking a lot of shit .. stuff just milling around in my head and I figured I got her all confused. That I wanted to know who T'zuri was. Without her and me getting T'zuri all confused with other things. What kind of skin she found herself in .. how it felt and looked and what her dreams and desires were .. based on that skin.

She said she did not see the line I saw. I said to me it was pretty big. I asked her what she wanted from me. She said she wanted me to love her.

Great.

I told her .. I was not sure I knew how. She wanted to know if that meant I did not know how to love her because she had not chosen a side of the line. Now I was honest with her when I told her that ... did not matter what side of the line she found herself on ... I still did not know how to love.

I needed her to define herself for me. She offered me love .. but what kind of love. What did it look like .. how did it act. How did it present itself? How did it ask to be noticed?

We talked .. but not much came from it other than .. exasperation and desire to tear her to shreds .. limb from limb.

I demanded to know yet again what she wanted from me. She wanted me to love her. I told her I could not yet. I was not sure if I ever could. So what in the mean time? What about today? Tomorrow? I demanded she be responsible with her love. To stop fucking around with me. She denied that she was .. that she was as tortured with thoughts as I .. and her mother ....

Her mother. Ah fuck. I felt like I had been caught with my hands in the honey jar ... both of them.

But then she she got it. She finally realized what I wanted to know. She told me all the things she wanted. And the pictures she painted with her words were beautiful and good and right. Everything else faded away. It all started to make sense to me then. No more insanity and jumbled up mess. She soothed the savage beast that writhed and snarled for the uncertainty of it all ... she eased the fevered edges of indecision with a real vision I could wrap my thoughts around and hang onto.

And somewhere in there .. she stripped and submitted to me and ... this time I did not say no. This time it was all in a metered rhyme that held all the right syllables and went by all the rules and I understood it too.

She - Sleen

She was thrown at my boots. A ravished .. raped and beautiful woman. The raping had only brought out the best in her. She was made for it .. built for it .. thrived in it ... and it showed. She glistened with it.

Now .. that is not all women. But when you find it .. you collar it and throw it out there to excel. The use of men made her .. bigger ... better ... more beautiful .. sexy. Like a banquet of delicacies meant for the palette of men. She was the epitome of sexuality. She breathed it .. it rose off her skin like warm honey. Her natural scent was crafted by the Sky to awaken and inspire every primal base instinct that lived from the base of my skull to the base of my spine and we had an entire conversation without words.

The kind of woman to give men dreams and women nightmares.

How she survived free this long I will never know. But she is no longer .. and well ... she is also mine. Bonus. What her father and .. soon to be mate ... found disgusting in her for obvious reasons ... I found delight in. How could I not? She was not my daughter .. she was not my mate. Such sensuality worn all on the outside. Why would you cover that up and pretend it did not exist? Waste. I hate waste.

If there is a position that matches the thought of sexuality at its most primitive level .. I would have to say it is she-sleen. And so that is the name she was given from the start .. whether or not she will earn another is up to her. But right now it fits and .. amuses me at the same time. When you call her .. you should see all the other slaves react.

It so works for me.

Do They Speak to you Fonce?

Ina asked to speak to me. She asked me if I saw dead people. If they spoke to me. Said she might be going insane or .. she always had been insane and it was just now coming out.

I had to smirk.

Anyway .. I told her the truth. It was not my gig .. I did not look for it like some Spex .. in fact I avoided it like Bazians avoid the plague .. but it had happened to me and usually when I least want it to.

She said she talked to her father many times in the caves.

Caves .. walls ... well there was reason number two why I avoid the caves at all costs. Not only for the walls but .. well ... I am not listening.

So she told me she went riding out on the plains with no thought of returning. I had to study her for a bit ... suicide is a heavy subject. Seeking death either from your hand or another's is self destructive and the redundancy of that statement is staggering while yet retaining enough logic to appeal.

She said the mists parted and she saw Jerus and her grandfather there. I said this was not the first time she had experienced such and she agreed .. having told me of another time as well. She said she seems to have a gift these things. I had to agree .. because well ... she sees them.

She said Jerus told her that the man that keeps calling her in her dreams was never real. That her head was so full of things all piled up that she created him herself. She asked me if that was possible.

I said I did not think so .. but the mind is not something anyone completely understands and perhaps I would learn something different.

She said that Seth figured the man calling to her was Oson .. but she said no .. that was not so. The man was more like me. I tried not to find that offensive. She said she wanted me to know he was still there .. this man calling her away ... but that she was not insane and the man had been placed behind a barrier by the Clan.

Well there was something I did not know .. that the Singers could do that kind of shit. Right on. Weird .. but ... right on.

She said she thought much could be blamed on the fact she had not grieved for Oson. I said .. perhaps ... grief can do strange things to people. She said she missed him .. but was not very sad. I told her perhaps she used up all her sad while he was gone .. and just did not have a lot left.

I told her I did not think she was insane ... I figure she just had some things to work through and that would take some time.

I think I have had more conversations about my Clan with those of the First Fires than I ever have since I returned to them as a freshly scarred boy. But oddly enough they are all about things I do not do. Things that are not a part of me as a Haruspex.

Yes I know some Spex talk to dead people. Some of them .. even seek them out.

But I am still ... not listening.

Warning

There is a new Haruspex at the Main Fires. Her name is Isu. She is a quiet little thing .. plays with bugs. But .. she brought me a doll. A doll made of grass. And with it came a warning.

Now .. like I am not aware of all the things that are out to get me. From my Clan to assassins. I know all too well .. it comes at me in life and in my dreams. But something got to me.

This doll had a red bloody spot right over his heart. Now that is something that is not common knowledge. Something I have not made obvious or told many of. It made me listen a little more to the warning than I probably would have without it.

Still .. not much I can do with a warning. At least any more than I all ready am. I will not live in fear of death. Any of them. If someone has a different death in mind for me? .. figures. They need to get in line.

Now that wounded little grass heart also made me damned protective of the little guy. He was me .. you see. Of course I was. And he does not like to be poked .. at all. Even a little. Makes him irritable. He likes his space.

Just like me.