Blind .. Deaf ... And Chained

... to my own inability.

Do you ever get the idea that .. it has all happened before? And the terrible awful thing you know for a fact is going to happen will happen no matter what you do or say to stop it? Because if you even try .. that act itself will be the exact thing needed to ensure that it does happen exactly like you know it will?

Yeah .. that is where I was at.

It is a kind of .. stationary panic. The kind of panic where you just do not move. Because moving could be the worst thing you could do. So you just stop and think. Well ... the thinking comes after you run around inside yourself screaming their air out of your lungs.

Stationary Panic. The concept nails it for me. Fear was crawling out of my chest through that tiny slit over my heart and I wanted to run like my legs have never run before .. to DO something ... anything .... to make it all right. But .. run where? Do what? Anything I might do could be the key that set all the events that lurked ominously over my shoulder into full force ahead and I would not be able to catch them. Like dust in the wind.

So after I had a complete melt down .. all inside of myself. The idea was to stop ... drop .... and think. I got the stop and drop part down but the thinking just was not happening yet for me. Every time I started to think I started running around in circles again.

I felt like all the answers were right there .. so close to my reach. But I was blind deaf and chained to my own inability to the point I could not begin to grasp them. I had that strange panic feeling that I was all stripped down and exposed with my guts hanging out of my stomach and I was so busy trying to pick them up off the ground .. dirt rocks .. grass and all to stuff them back in .... that I was missing the fact I was naked and exposed.

The best place to have a stationary panic is in the middle of a group of people. Why? Because you are not going to act like an idiot on purpose .. so you have to just be all right and think about what they are all saying to you and you do not run off to do all the things that you want to do but that you are rather sure are going to make the rest of your life a horrific nightmare.

Stationary Panic. Do nothing. Do not even think too hard about it. Just ... hold ... still. Do not .. even ... breathe.

Tal Tuchuk .. so how is everyone today?