What Do You Want .. From Me?

I had a lot on my mind. For understatements that takes first prize.

I came to the First Fires seeking distraction.

Arigh asked me if something was troubling me. I told her a lot of things were on my mind. She asked if I wanted to talk about it .. but before I could answer her she told me she had looked for my kite but could not find it. I told her .. I had.

She told me she was confused. I asked her about what? She told me of a conversation she had with Saresh. The kind where they really talked. That he apologized to her. I asked her if things were better .. patched up ... between them.

I know a lot of water went under that bridge from what Arigh had told me in the last few months. I know she was pretty upset about it all so when she said they were on better ground I was pleased.

But ... she said ... that she could forgive him but she was not sure she could trust him. I told her trust was not built on apologies but .. that in time it would come back based on actions.

Ina and blue and a few other joined the fires. Blue seems to have pissed Arigh off to a degree that caused me to tell the slave she was forbidden to serve Arigh until I gave her leave to do so. I do not know what blue did .. right now I do not care. If it is something for me to correct Arigh will make that clear to me. Otherwise I will just keep the two of them apart for a while. I certainly do not have the energy to deal with their tiff right now.

Now somewhere in there Saresh came to the fires .. he tested out his new bola on blue and then brought it to me as a gift ... a gift to pay for taking care of Arigh while he was ... taking care of a few things. This was very odd to me .. what was odder is that he asked for Arigh back. Now I am not unaware that Mayala is missing .. and presumed to be gone for good so I asked Saresh whether he was asking for Arigh back as a mate or as a ward. He said he wished to be her guardian. I was pleased by that .. I was pleased he was not seeking a mate yet before things with Mayala were put to some kind of rest. Now as we were talking Arigh was bubbling over like a boiling pot .. which I ignored because it was an interruption to a conversation among men. But I told Saresh that I had absolutely no problem with him being Arigh's guardian but that the two of them needed to be on the same step about it and it appeared they were not.

Now they went off to talk and when Arigh returned she wanted more than anything to talk to me about it. But I did not want to talk about it. I wanted the two of them to figure this shit out between them. I did not want to be involved. Even a little bit. At all. Ever.

Why could she not just respect that? Why did she spend all morning asking me what I wanted and needed only to ignore the one little tiny simple thing I asked of her?

But no .. Arigh nagged at me until I finally let her speak to me aside from the fires. It was that or she was going to get the brunt of everything in my head busting loose all over her and .. well ... I have yet to do that to any free woman. So I strode off aside from the fires and set my shoulders to the great rear wheel of the wagon ... hooking the heel of my boot on a low rung and crossing my arms over my chest.

She was near tears .. which was an irritation in itself ... and told me that Saresh had convinced her that his reputation depended on her giving him another chance. How true that was I have no idea but that is what Arigh thought and since I was dealing with Arigh that is pretty much all I had to go on. So she was in a panic about "what ifs" and I told her I had no answers for her "what ifs". Then she got very quiet which made me want to pluck her eyeballs out and spread them like jelly all over the grass with my heel.

I asked her ... what do you want from me?

I know she had no idea how on edge I was and how far she was shoving me over it.

She asked me what I would do. I told her I was not a female. She asked what I would tell a female I cared about? I nearly strangled her. I replied that I would not tell a female I cared about what to do. It is about Arigh's future .. about what Arigh wants ... not what Fonce wants.

She said she could not trust him yet.

Sounded to me like she made up her mind all ready.

I told her what Saresh does is up to Saresh. Saresh will make decisions about his life and it was not all about Arigh. That this was her future .. not Saresh's not mine .. Arigh's. That she needed to give a fuck about her own future and either she wanted this .. trusted him ... or she needed time.

She said thank you Fonce.

Then she asked if I would be there when she told him her decision.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

No Arigh .. I will not. This is something you and Saresh need to work out and it has not one shredded bit to do with me.

I needed air .. space. She did too. So we parted.

I know she is at an edge .. that kind of edge where the next decision makes a big difference in her life and I know that is not easy but .. damn. This was not the distraction I had been looking for.

I hope the two of them can work this out.

Without me.