No.. Not That ... Take anyone but Her

Perhaps it was just the pressure in my head. The stationary panic coupled with all the other bits scratching on the inside of my skull. Enough to drive a saner man than I over the edge. So I suppose I can not be surprised at the edge I find myself .. clinging to.

Seeking the company of others .. in the hopes to drown out the million and one voices screaming for me to do something .. anything. My head hurts .. probably because of the tension in the muscle of my jaw. Wound tight and I can not relax. A simple conversation really .. is all I needed. Please do not ply me with Stupidity today ... not today. Anything .. anytime ... but today.

It was quiet at the fires. Idle conversations. How are you .. I am fine. How are the bosk .. they are fat and lazy. How are the axles .. they are greasy. How are the quiva .. sharp enough to shave with. I was waxing obnoxious. Perhaps that is why everyone let me slip into my thought coma. They could feel it seeping out of me and had no idea what to do with it. Everything was a little funny .. in a hazy kind of way. Good thing I did not start giggling like a little girl .. they would have staked me out on the grass and brought a Spex to free my inner daemon.

They could sure try.

But of course none of that happened and I was left alone to stare into the emptiness of my bowl. Huge mistake on my part. I drifted like the vestiges of steam from the sides.

The first hint of the blade was at the corner of my forehead. I tensed .. but could not move. I felt the razor sharp action as it drug itself back over my head. The heavy thick strands of my hair falling down my arm to coil like black snakes .. writhing and hissing around me. I still could not move.

Slowly I became aware that .. it was no one doing this to me .. but it was me .. myself.

I have made no secret about my hair or what it means. I have no need to explain to you any more than I have this part of the vision or why it disturbed me so deeply.

The rest of it was spun all around someone else ... and I dare not repeat it for the simple fear that by doing so I might lend some credence to the thing. In some way give it value and substance. I can not take the chance that in some careless repetition .. I might in any way make it more real.

It would kill me if it were real. Kill me in the same way that shaving my head would take a part of me that could never be returned. I miss her so much. So much. If only she were here now .. to help me. To save me from what I have witnessed. Like a bad dream I want to wake up and realize she is right there .. with me. But she is never here when I need her.

It does not stop me wishing that she would be.

To stop the vision I threw the bowl into the fire .. scattering ash and sparks everywhere. I tried to see those there .. if only one of them could have pulled me back into reality away from the vision .. but I could not focus. I could not see them clearly nor reach for any one of them. I scrambled back and ran .. the shapes still shifting before my eyes even as I attempted to get away.

To be blind is a terrible feeling .. to still see the horrific deeds I had done in my vision replaying themselves over and over before my eyes ... was worse.

I know blue left the fires behind me .. in her attempt to heel. I know it was because she cared .. but she is not learned enough. She has not realized enough yet ... there is no way she could help me through this. It would destroy her. I lost her. It was easy enough. Her focus is still her .. and only a completely selfless person could have withstood the force of what was going on inside of me. But I did notice .. and I was pleased. The desire to help me .. though without the capability ... was still appreciated.