Right Place .. at the Wrong Time

I had to chuckle when she ran away. Though there was some genuine frustration there that caused me to fall back on an old familiar threat. Would I have raped her? No. There is a wall in my head and all the sexual thoughts that may or may not exist about T'zuri are on the other side. Good or bad .. attracted or not. It is all out of my reach and closed off without that ring in her nose. It was just a conversation I was not going to have.

I had been sitting at the stream and on my mind were all the thoughts that I had escaped thinking about ... until then. T'zuri came and said she had been looking for me. She had some questions .. I had a few of my own. I suppose it was my fault for asking some of the ones I did .. but they were things I needed to know about her if I was going to make a good match for her. I hope I learned something from the fiasco with Saresh and Shaningo. Not that the noble quest was the only reason .. there was some genuine curiosity. I was a little surprised how much a man's actions with his mate stirred everyone up. To be honest I probably would not unbind my mate's hair at the main fires .. but by the Sky if I was so inclined I would lift her skirt and bend her over the furs and have every right to expose her taking to whomever hung around to watch. My opinion of course. Not necessarily shared by the populace at large. And that is all right too. I think the point is that a man will and should be able to do whatever he is inclined to do with his own woman. And if he is ready to handle the headache that will follow .. give him some room to be a man.

Now I will admit it is not always easy to think of T'zuri as a child. She is much older than an unringed woman should be. All filled out in the right places. But There is a wall there. So why could I jump the wall .. seemingly ... and threaten to rape her? That is a subject all in itself and one I will be happy to take up in a more private setting. But all the answers are there if you know me at all. Think about it.

To sum up. I am rather proud of her. She was all female and never once crossed any lines of propriety. I can safely say her innocence is intact for I saw the fear in her eyes when she knew how serious I was. I watched her steps fly from me and her skirt snap in the action. I waited long after she was out of sight to let the chuckle escape me. I think T'zuri has a lot of thoughts that are worth hearing and I will be more than pleased to get to know her ... when her ring is placed.

Family

I have a family. A Tribe family. I do not have a family that is brought together by blood for better or worse. I have my wagons and the family of Oren but as I have stated before we are of like independence and brought together in such a way. Which is much different.

Also as I have before stated .. subtly ... I have stopped flirting with Falon. I am too tired and busy to flirt with anyone actually but with Falon there was some reason and she finally came and asked me of it. I was pleased that she did. I explained to her that her family was a little overwhelming and was taking me some time to get used to. Now each one of them I appreciate for what they bring to the Tribe. Each one I respect for various reasons. But together as a family I was out of my element and in strange lands. I did not fully understand the way they treated each other. That would take some time. Time I had very little of for such things. To just sit and learn. They all seemed connected by many invisible strings. Feelings .. thought processes and actions. Her own thoughts and reasoning seemed to be threaded through with everyone else's. I have no basis to understand this. I find when I am angry with one of her family I can not speak to her of it. And in the past she has even asked me not to. Now this I can understand and respect .. but it also negates many of the talks we used to have.

That and any time I get pushed into doing something I set my heels and straiten my back to resist. A weakness in my character I imagine. But appreciated or not it is still a part of me and will influence my own actions. Perhaps one day I will grow out of it and be mature. Perhaps.

In any case I have taken a few steps back. Not that I ever wanted anything but the chance to get to know Falon. And that is something I would still enjoy doing .. but it will be in my own time and as I get used to the concept of family. I can not help but think that if I can not get along with her family that a mating with Falon would be a complete disaster.

Of course lately I have begun to think that any relationships of mine will be complete disasters. People make demands on my time and yet .. when I even acknowledge their lack of it .. Perhaps it is for the Ubar to remain alone. Is there room in one life for a family and an Ubar? I do not know the answer to that question yet.

The Slave bell

The more I thought about the other night with bell the more I began to realize that I was doing it again. Getting so involved with the responsibilities of the Tribe and my Clan that I was letting my own slave languish for attention. When I was there she was not .. having some tasks that took her elsewhere and we just kept missing each other. That was no way for a man to own a slave and I had learned my lessons ... or at least I hope I have learned them .. from the past.

What had started with bell still felt like an unfinished story to me .. but a story that would have to wait to be told until another time. Another time when both of us were ready to begin it again. Until then she could be there as a camp slave to serve and flourish. Without the restraint of my own wagon and wishes to keep her busy during times she could be relishing in her position .. on her knees for men.

And so I ordered the camp collar to be put on her neck .. the Tuchuk ring placed in her nose and the camp slave wear to be given as well as a place made for her in the slave wagon under raven's tutelage.

This called many things into question for me. But they were thoughts that I would save for later when I could ponder them more in depth.

Rope Dancer

Philomela without your tongue
what tapestry of love gone wrong
will you weave for your sparrow dear
when all is lost but a nightingale's song

©2007 Mine - bit of a larger piece called "Philomel"

The Slave sosa

sosa came to me while I was talking to Silken. When Silken left she greeted me and I asked her if she came only because she thought that she should offer to serve or if there was another more specific reason she stopped at my boots. She said both .. which is acceptable. I asked her then of her specific reason.

Now .. I have my opinions and my understanding of sosa. Perhaps it is different than some and perhaps it is the same as others. Now if I misunderstand sosa .. it is her responsibility to give me something else to go on so that I can better understand sosa. Just like every other lazy human I am not going to seek for and work on something I do not even realize I need to seek or work on.

So this is pretty much what I told her in regards to others. If their understandings of her were correct then she needed to change herself if she wished to please them. If their understanding was incorrect she needed to help them understand who she really was. In either case it was her responsibility to reveal something different about herself. But only if she were motivated to be pleasing. Now I do not expect every slave to please every person. But it should be a thing they strive to do. Sosa has been banned from the fires when Kam or Chay are around. Mostly because I find the ensuing drama unpleasant and distracting. That severely limits her times for serving. It limits her time to serve those she has come to care for. I also know she has displeased a few others and this also limits her in her service. These free people are not going to strive to get along with sosa. Why should they? She is a slave .. they do not care whether or not she is there to serve. They do not miss her. It is she who misses the chance to be there with everyone .. so thus it is her responsibility to attempt to change how people feel. Either that or settle with serving those she can and does please with her service and let go of the other. I would find no problem with either choice. Though my opinion is not the one that will in the end dictate her actions. That opinion would belong to Kaioba.

Will the Real Silken Please Stand Up?

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."


-Shakespeare, from Hamlet


I was gifted with a lance today. An old one .. much like my own that I lost recently to the larl and kaiila. It was given to me by Silken. I was honored to be given such a weapon with such a history obviously within it. I sought her out to give her my thanks and as I sat to talk with her she said some things to me I never expected her to say.

To me the recent events were over and done with. I had said my piece and the drums had beat my words. I moved on. But Silken told me that she wished me to know of her words against me. That she wished the air to be clean between us. I would not have held them against her .. but even more was I appreciative of her bringing them to me. She impressed me with her courage and honesty.

She told me she had spoken against me and called me weak. Out of anger and frustration. I was less concerned with the things she had called me than I was with why. So I asked her why she had been so frustrated with me. She said she had expected .. even worked herself up into thinking she would be punished for disobeying me on the plains. I asked her directly if she wanted me to punish her for being a woman. She said no. I asked her then if she wished me to treat her like a man. She gave me a most definite no. I then asked her why then she thought I would do either one. As frustrating as it is to be disobeyed I would be insane if I expected her to go against the instincts she has as a woman. Men are trained to obey no matter what they think or feel .. women are usually not. She said something I am known for saying .. there are natural consequences for every action either good or bad and I agreed with her. There were natural consequences to her actions. In this case I would not take her with me on any journeys onto the plains. I would not trust her to obey my words any more for she had shown me that trust would be ill placed. But to beat her for being a woman .. no matter how much I wanted to ... would be pointless and simply a demonstration of my temper.

She said she was frustrated that I walked away from the argument with Tarra. I told her I only did so when Tarra and Saresh decided to argue and my contribution was no longer needed nor heeded. At that point I could choose to be immature and stay or leave and wait for everyone to cool down and perhaps begin again if that is what was needed. Or simply to let it go. There was no point to make that was important. Simply a disagreement on preferences and ideals. Again I had no need to make a display of my own temper. It did not make me a better or stronger man. And it certainly would not have helped anyone. Now I am not all that mature and I do not always heed my inner voice on when to walk away from an argument. But I certainly do not consider myself a weak man for getting it right once or twice. She said Shi had explained all that to her. Which surprised me. Shi has not struck me as a man who understands that in any way. I learned something about Silken and Shi at that moment. A good thing.

She told me she was having trouble grounding herself in her daily chosen way of life. Freedom verses the many years she spent serving as a slave. Jerus had given her the best of both worlds and it was no secret around the First Wagons. Though what a man does with his mate away from the fires is no business of ours. She was free floating and needing a strong hand to guide her. I talked to her for a while .. giving her my word none of her words would be used against her. By the time she was done explaining herself I knew she was well grounded in her freedom for now. That would not change. She had too many things in her own head she felt responsible for as a free woman. She would sacrifice her own comfort and happiness for those she loved and cared for. Again she showed great courage to me.

I do not know if her choice was right or wrong. I do not have that kind of insight into the end of her path. I know that it was right for her right now where she is and she will live with the consequences. I felt concern and even some sadness for Silken. She has so much to give and offer and many times her own confusion about how she is supposed to offer it makes people uncomfortable. I hope that Silken finds solid footing on her path. I hope that solid footing brings her comfort and less confusion. I hope that she is able to offer herself in the way that she needs to. And I hope that Shi is able to give her the strong hand she needs to keep her footsteps safe.

Ghost Singers in the Sky

"The wind blew as 'twad blawn its last;
The rattling showers rose on the blast;
The speedy gleams the darkness swallowed;
Loud, deep, and lang, the thunder bellowed:
That night, a child might understand,
The Deil had business on his hand."

-Robert Burns


He was born on the thunder's crash. She was born on the vibration. He was called Keme and she was called Echo. They were of the Singers Clan.

He was a proud and brave warrior always causing something to happen. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was bad .. but if something happened Keme was always near. A favorite among his Brothers he was the star in many a plainswoman's eye. His songs were always rousing and they left the hearer with an energy and swelling of spirit within them.

She was much as she was called. She reflected those around her. She had black silky hair and large dark eyes that reflected every man's dreams when he would gaze into them. Echo loved to be happy and she drifted towards men who caused her to reflect such. But what she would inspire in men was not always happiness. They became possessive and jealous of her form and beauty and the picture of their dreams in her eyes and their wishes lifted into song on her tongue.

It was not done in malice. She would drift away from those that caused her to feel anything besides happiness. Or sing a sad song. She knew no sadness of her own. So it was that when she met Keme all her own dreams came together in one man. The way he always made her feel .. always. And Keme was no different than any other man. He fell in love with his own dreams in her eyes and his own wishes lifted in song on her dulcet tongue. Keme was a man of heights of emotions and Echo was his first love. He adored her and treasured her above all else.

Keme rose swiftly in the ranks and was given command. With his command came demands on time and it was time that took him away from Echo. True to form Echo sought comfort for her loneliness. The spark of a man's happiness that she could reflect. And this took her away from her absent Keme.

Keme had never known jealousy or anger as he did now. And the more he was jealous and the more he was angry the more he could not connect with Echo. And the more she sought the attentions of happier men. Keme became a brooding young warrior. His songs no longer lifted high to the Sky. Trying to figure out how to win his Echo's attentions back to him. But Keme was not meant by the Sky to be a man quiet for long and soon his Brother's teased him from his doldrums. His excitement returned and his happiness which true to form drew his Echo back to him. Once more he was the spark of her heart and she was reminded of all the reasons she wanted to be with just him. Her songs again reflected the energy of her Keme.

But Echo had caused another man whose name was Mato .. to fall in love with his own dreams in her eyes and his own wishes she had lifted to the Sky on her sweet voice. He was not so willing to let go of those dreams when Echo's gaze returned to the man she loved. A rivalry was started between the two Brothers. First in more innocent games of competition and finally in a test that became about life and death. What had started out about Echo became more about honor and pride between the two warriors than about a woman. And in that terrible moment of Brother against Brother both warriors were mortally wounded.

Keme rode back to Echo and she ran out to meet him but her heart stood still when he slid from the saddle of his kaiila in a smear of crimson and fell into her arms spreading the warmth of his fast fading life over her hands and breast. He died in her arms with a smile and his failing voice lifted in song. For the first time Echo knew her own sadness and she wept for her Keme. Sadness that was her own was too much for Echo to know and she brought Keme's quiva to her own breast and fell on it with him in a reflection of his own death.

Sometimes following the thunder and the vibrations that shake the plains the Tuchuk can see Keme upon the Sky and if they are lucky .. sometimes ... they can see Echo next to him ... ever still his reflection.

I'm Hurtin' in an Old Familiar Way

"...Tonight your memory found me much too sober, I couldn't drink enough to keep you off my mind. Tonight the bottle let me down, and let your memory come around. The one true friend I'd thought I found .. tonight the bottle let me down."

-Merle Haggard



It was just one of those nights. A night for paga. I do not have many of those. Very few in fact. The last time I got drunk was with Tayco. That was a long time ago. But tonight there were just too many thoughts and listening to them was doing me no good at all. There was no one else to listen to them. Even if there had been I am not sure I could have shared them.

So I turned to the paga. I do not like paga. I do not like how I feel when I drink it. I do not like what it does to me. But there is one thing I do like. One thing that occasionally I actually need. That is the silence. The numbness of my thinking. The apathy for just a few blessed moments.

When the nagging of my conscious eased off other things started to fall into place. Other things I had said I would do. I took much of the fresh meat around my own wagons and took it to T'zuri and her mother. Enough to make their next few days easier. I also took some fresh vulo eggs from the Spex wagon. Pacu was supportive and knew why I was doing it and he said he would take Salu and Pei on a hunt for my wagons and for Maeda's. Next hand we are set to butcher one of the old cows who will not make the move. I was hesitant without the salt to preserve the meat but with two new mouths the meat will be used and I am sure there are others who will need some as well.

I also took a pair of boots I had a leather worker make for Ani. I had never given them to her. I had not had a chance and I thought perhaps they would fit T'zuri. When she told me she was walking around without a shoe because of me I felt a huge amount of guilt for not realizing and putting things together in my head. I would repay that. They were soft and black. They would fit close to the leg and high almost to the knee for safe walking in the tall sometimes sharp grass. They had supports around the ankle and the soles were good leather but not too thick. She could feel the ground beneath her feet still. That was important.

I did not see T'zuri when I left the meat.. eggs .. and boots at the wagon. Probably a good thing since I had been drinking. I wanted to talk to Maeda but I could not bring myself to enter her private wagon without an invitation. Pain and loss were thick around their wagons .. so thick I could taste it on my tongue. I wanted to leave and get away .. it was too much like my own. But I stayed long enough to make sure no one was there .. save for the troubled sobbing/breathing from the wagon itself. Then I made my escape.

Perhaps it was the boots. Or perhaps it was the paga .. I am not sure but Ani was there on the fringes of my mind. I miss her so much. I miss star gazing with her. I miss seeing her things. I miss ... her.

Tonight the paga let me down.

Caught Sleeping

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste.
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long-since-cancelled woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanished sight.
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
-But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored, and sorrows end.

-Shakespeare

Layers. Every day there were many layers that stack on top of each other. Like little parchments they do not seem to be so big and thick until thousands pile on top of each other and reach a great height.

People are in those layers. People and experiences and feelings and emotions about those people. Sometimes if I have not seen someone for a long time it takes me a while of sifting and sorting back through the layers before I remember how I feel about them.

Today it was no different. I was displeased with the way bell greeted me. I was tired and the day had been long and hard with trying to wade through people's complaints and unrest. How long since I had seen her? I could not remember the last time she had knelt at my feet. I did not want a hug .. I wanted my needs asked of. I wanted my slave to think of my needs and ask me of them so I could tell her. I wanted the beautiful woman she was to throw herself at my feet and act like a slave. To remind me why I like her naked and displayed .. why she is a slave and not free. Tomorrow I may want something else. Is she supposed to figure it out? Actually .. yes she is. That is why she is my slave. She is supposed to figure me out enough to know what I want. Will I not desire her or will I sell her because she got it wrong? Of course not. But neither will I pretend she got it right.

I am not a port in a storm. I am the storm.

Bell .. my little slave. You got caught sleeping. Remind me of all the reasons I wanted you submitted at my feet .. a proud and beautiful Tuchuk slave.

Tribe Notices

"...
Wha will be a traitor knave?
Wha can fill a coward's grave?
Wha sae base as be a slave?
Let him turn and flee!
...
Lay the proud usurpers low!
Tyrants fall in every foe!
Liberty's in every blow!-
Let us do or die!"

-Robert Burns

All three moons must be in alignment for an eclipse from hell because people are acting all freaky. Now it might have something to do with the heat and lack of salt. It might have something to do with the winds changing direction and the cooler nights starting to remind everyone of the move North. It might have something to do with every time a line of dust rises on the horizon fear of fire seizes all the insides and turns them into shards of glass. Whatever it is that puts people on an edge .. they are on one and their tongues are whispering and sharp against anyone who appears to cross them.

There are always people who when the pressure gets tight or the way rough wish change. There are some who are never happy with what is and want something different all the time. And there are those that will jump on the wagon of someone else's unrest and take it for a ride to see how it feels. Now it came to my attention that there were a number of people not happy with how I was running things. But they were not speaking to me about it .. they were taking it to others and those others were uncomfortable with what was being said. That is a lot of saying that had nothing to do with me .. even though it was about me. So instead of trying to backtrack through the numerous conversations I simply sent out a Tribe Notice to remind everyone that .. I was Ubar. That I was ready to listen if they had a problem with the way I was doing something. And to remind them that I do things for a reason and usually a damn good one. And as long as I was Ubar I would continue to do things in the best way I knew how.

I do not consider myself a weak man. I do not consider myself an unfair man. I do not consider myself incapable of leading. I do not consider myself a man who avoids conversations nor do I consider myself a man who is not very grounded and comfortable with his own logic and thought processes. I do not consider myself so afraid of a loss in identity that I do not allow people to talk against me nor do I consider myself a man who is so masochistic and immature as to be pulled into an argument that has no possible resolve. And those people that felt so needed to bring it strait to me. Especially if they think I am weak or incapable of holding up my own way of thinking in the face of opposition. I should be a very easy target if all these things were true.

And if enough people thought so they needed to challenge me for the Gray instead of just biting at people's heels in their little frustrations.

Bo has returned. I restored his command when I found out he was back in camp to stay and it was good to see him around the fires. I am pleased to have another of my Oralu to shoulder the responsibilities of this Tribe. I never wanted him to step down as Ubar in the first place and to this day I wish he had stayed as the Leader of this people. But he needed another path and I can respect that as much as I can my own selfish desires. All in all it is good to see him sitting and laughing with Dash. She is .. more beautiful when he is near her. I hope the woman that I take as my own will be so when I am close to her.

Polunu arrived and reported a possible salt find. He asked me if I would begin to search the wagons of the Tribe for those holding back salt. I said I was not yet. I felt no need to assume my people were not being honest. I could not disrespect them like that. So many people came forward with their salt .. we have plenty right now to hand out and there is no emergency. Those who may or may not have held onto their salt out of fear will not lose their fear if I barge into their wagons and take what they so desperately feel they need. I want to calm my people .. not make them insane. So I will trust them. I will respect them. I will give them the honor they deserve until they prove to me they do not deserve it. They are to be assumed innocent. I know he was displeased with this. He told me so. I respected him for that. I respected that he thought of the salt first. He is a Salt Hunter .. he was born and raised to think of the salt. I must think of the people first .. I am the Ubar. Polunu and I make a good balance.

I hope it is salt that they found.

The Night has a Thousand Eyes

I threw myself into work. Nothing took away frustration like sweat and dust and just being with the bosk and doing things I knew how to do. No time to worry about anything but what was right in front of you. A wandering mind out here during the day would get a man killed and I relished in the muscle demanding tasks.

It was some time later when I sought out T'zuri. I had not forgotten that I had asked her thoughts and she has in turn told me she would give them to me. I also had told Tarra I would speak for her and I needed to tell T'zuri that I would be her guardian at least until a male relative came forward or until someone paid her dowry. I was guardian of many of the single women but .. this particular one was a little more difficult for me. For several reasons .. first she was without her nose ring and that was enough to just twist me around and upside down. I was all out of my element here. The other was that her family was so freshly taken away from her and the hurt and pain were living breathing beasts at her heels. I did not have any answers for her. I did not have the wisdom that would give her relief in this time. I myself rode with them at my side and had for many years without knowing the secret to peace. All I had to offer her was that I knew .. that I understood. I hated myself for the inadequacy of that.

I was walking along the stream bank when it gave way and I rode the wave of dirt to the edge of the water with a few explicit and obscene phrases .. she spoke and I felt a little guilty for peppering her ears with such but at least I had not buried her in the avalanche. We spoke of the plains and grass and the beasts that lurk there and take lives. Hard to talk of anything else .. when you go through something like that with someone you get all wound up in talking about it like nothing else exists for a while. Or so it seems to me anyway. I helped her a little to listen to what was around her so she could soon learn to live with the night and the sounds instead of feeling as if she were a stranger .. a foreign thing among them. The girl has guts I will say that. I scared her on purpose and with a bit of Haruspex trickery I made her think there was a larl in the grass across the stream and damn if she did not show some spunk I had not anticipated. I have learned not to underestimate unringed girls that have nearly seen seventeen passings of Turia. But I am not sorry that I did it .. she is less afraid of the plains and the night. For that I am pleased.

There are people that will always close off the wild and loneliness of the limitless plains. The sounds and scents and sensations that buffet take your breath away spreading it further than you can ever see in a lifetime. They can not stand the openness .. the limitlessness .. the endlessness of it all and they implode into themselves and close themselves off to feel safe and warm inside. And then there are those that embrace the loneliness and let it wash over them and move through them. They expand into the horizon and grow and grow until they must fill the very breeze that walks through the grass. T'zuri did not run away from the sensation of nothing holding her down .. she broke open and flew.

I walked her back to the Harigga watching the lights of the scattered fires and I told her not to wander off alone until the larl were killed. I told her some of what I had seen and I think she understood that I was serious. I also told her she should not be walking out with men at this time of night. And that if I caught her doing so I would skin her hide and beat the rest of what was left of her. She asked if that meant me also .. and I replied ...

especially me.

Natural Consequences

It is my experience that it takes all kinds of people to create a group. Like genetics it keeps things moving and flowing without inbreeding and crippling generations in the future. I have a way of thinking that is not like most others. I am all right with that. I have learned to let others talk .. to even request they talk to me when they have a problem because I can tell them why I do things the way I do them and sometimes they are able to see through a window of understanding they may not have had before. At least a window into why I do things the way I do. Now I do not encourage someone to talk to me because they have to and there are times they ask to speak later and I have learned to respect that. One time I asked Tarra a question and it was a very personal one. I had no idea it was personal and I had no idea she felt exposed or on the spot. I leaned the hard way .. for she has never let me forget it. I have never asked her to talk to me until today. Today when I knew she was seeing something I did as unfair. I knew she had a problem and I wanted her to voice it so I could tell her why I did what I did.

You see I treated two prospects completely differently. One was a rude interrupting little piss ant of a man who expected me to hop to and listen to his grievances privately. What .. do I look that service oriented? I would have listened to him in my own good time but if he wanted it said right then and there he was going to have to do it publicly. Then later when I saw that T'zuri seemed to have a problem with what I was saying .. true to form I asked her for her thoughts. She was polite and asked me to refrain from such until she could speak aside from the main fires. And I respected that. I did not jump up to listen to her right then .. I merely respected her wish not to speak just as I had learned from Tarra. Women are strange creatures and I really do attempt to learn how to get along with them. But Tarra .. even though she had taught me this in the first place ... had a real problem with what I allowed T'zuri. Was I not taking a lesson in women from her herself? Had she not showed me that women and their feelings get all bent out of shape when you make them talk about something they don't want to talk about? So why get all pissy with me when I was doing what she had shown me? I tried to talk to her about it .. but she would not see or understand me. I gave up.

But I did not give up before Saresh jumped in just as he did with Lavinia and tried to make women do what I wanted when I wanted them to do it. Now I am capable of standing up for myself. But this was not an attempt to put women in their place .. this was an attempt to get along with them. My attempt .. as functional or dysfunctional as it may be .. it is still my own and no one else's. But as of today I give up. No matter how hard I try I can not figure them out. They tell me one thing and then demand I do another. Now I do not mean they demand me like a man orders a command. I mean they expect something of me as a person and I don't deliver it and then they get all wound up with an attitude. I have struggled to understand them as humans and I simply can not find any logic to them whatsoever. So I am faced with simply a truce. I give up. I do not back down and I do not give up who I am but I am certainly giving up the push for them to tell me their thoughts so I can share my own. I am keeping my thoughts to myself from now on.

Women.

For Every Tit .. There is a Tat

I checked out the beast T'zuri had been riding. He had a few deep scratches across a shoulder and a few minor ones over his flanks. I had a line of three that tore through the leather of my breeches on my right thigh .. but I had tied my wind scarf around it and they were not deep enough to stop me from walking. I loosed the cinch on the saddle and threw it up on my shoulder.

I told Garyx to get me a report on exactly what had happened. To use his tracking skills to tell me the story. There is always a story. I told Saresh to make sure Silken and T'zuri made it back to camp. And to watch for any other larl .. sometimes they are not alone. T'zuri was unconscious I am not sure if she fainted or if Silken helped her into blessed darkness. Either way it is good. She did not belong out here in the first place .. neither did Silken. Women.

I led the kaiila and carried the saddle as I walked back to the Harigga. We both limped a little .. it was amusing. Both of us were covered in blood .. literally covered ... and there was no way I intended on being out here on the plains after dark. Sure death sentence. I led out with a good stride sucking up the pain in my thigh .. that pain was going to be the least of my worries.

I missed my lance .. broken to splinters by the kaiila and larl. I wanted it with me even though I had my sheath of quiva over my shoulder. Still only six. But for kaiila I can say I was very pleased to have this beast of Sajek's at my side. The kaiila had showed great courage and training. He was as good as my own and I felt no loss even having sent Silken back with Rocca.

It was the kaiila that alerted me first. Ever watchful for reactions I felt him bunch up and balk. I turned to watch his ears .. his fangs. His body language. If it had been another kaiila he would have probably called to it .. if it had been a man it would have been another reaction entirely. If it had been tabuk or kailiauk he would have been eager for prey .. but he was worried .. uneasy. This was a larl. Just what I needed. And then I saw him. A young larl .. but big as sin and just as mean. What was incredible was he was just watching me. Not scared .. not attacking. Eyes in the grass just watching. Curious .. as if he wished to learn of me. It spooked me and I do not spook so easy. I stared at him for a long time .. the two of us just looking at each other's eyes. Something about this young male was different. Something behind the eyes. Neither man nor beast were ready to take on this big cat. The strength in his shoulders amazed even me. A twin image of the larl that the kaiila had killed. I am not sure how long the two of us just watched each other. Then I heard another larl call and this one rose and walked quietly away. I turned and headed towards camp. I did not run .. I kept walking. Not that I could have run anyway. But I can say by the time the Harigga came into view I was more than pleased to see it.

The Trail of Blood

When the outrider rode into camp and explained to me that he was reporting a wounded unscarred boy out on the edge of the Harigga I nearly lost my temper. What idiot would leave a boy out on the plains to bleed to death just because of a little pride? The idea was ludicrous. I set out to find the boy but by the time I did he had circumvented and ended back up in the Harigga .. and when Kam and I got a hold of him he was not looking very well. Kam and I packed the wounds but the blood loss was extensive. It turns out his name is .. was ... Petra and he knew the family of Sajek .. T'zuri in particular. He had been out with Sajek and reported that the man was dead. T'zuri did not take this well .. of course. I told Kam I would find Sajek .. bring him back. There was a man to save or a body to prepare for a pyre .. either way I needed to go.

I followed the blood trail through the herd and out into the plains. Not that there were bucket fulls splattered here and there but there was smudges .. a drop .. a track .. enough that I had very little trouble getting to the scene of carnage. Every sense about me told me this was trouble. I did not need a Haruspex's sight to feel it. I was scouting .. still from the saddle when Silken and T'zuri and the new prospect rode up. I find him annoying .. which I suppose means nothing as to whether he will make Tribe or not. Just a passing vibe. Trying to get T'zuri away from the middle of it I unknowingly sent her into the middle of it. By the time I realized it was almost too late and I ran to tackle her beneath the belly of her own beast as the larl hit the kaiila broadside. I know I hit her hard but I could not take the time to figure out how hard .. I yelled at Silken to get the girl and herself away .. far away and back to camp. I have no idea what happened to the prospect or where he got off to. More annoyance. Why were the women even out here ... no time to strangle anyone ... the kaiila T'zuri had been riding took on the larl and I was going to make it easier for him. I got a few scratches on my thigh for the effort but it worked ... when that beast got a hold of the larl he tore it to pieces .. pawing and ripping with fangs until there was nothing left of that cat .. not even enough to tell what it had been.

Silken came back .. I wanted to rip her flesh off the bone for disobeying me. But the truth of the matter is she is not one of my men. She is a woman and I can not expect her to act like a man. Even though I do and I get really angry when she does not. At least I can say I know why. There were reasons that I asked her to do what I needed done .. good logical reasons. I know she is not made up of logic and her emotions dictated another path. Women.

There is enough blood on the grass to attract beasts for pasangs around. The air is thick and heavy with it .. metallic and tangy. It clings to the inside of your nostrils until you can't smell anything else. Like a layer on your tongue you want to spit it out even long after it is gone.

Alone

At the fires I spoke for a long time with Kam. We spoke of this and of that but the thing that stuck with me for a while was that we got onto the subject of claiming a woman. I think it started mostly with my own venture into speaking of my son and what I would want for him ... then I said something like I had very little room to talk because I was not even mated to a woman and I had no immediate hope of having a son. Kam told me all I had to do was to take it and it was mine. Now I know this to be true and have even stated so myself. Several times I have come to the decision that I shall saddle my kaiila and ride into the Harigga .. among the millions of wagons and peoples and I shall take one woman and claim her for my own. Just like that. No need to know her or have feelings about her in any way. There were ways of dealing with a woman if they proved to be uncomfortable. But every time I get that kaiila saddled and I ride into the Harigga ... I just keep on riding. Right on through and out the other side.

I am a thinker. A dreamer. I am a man that has vision and a deep strain of melancholy that threads through every aspect of my life. But I am friends with loneliness. I know it well and I can safely say I met loneliness at the moment of my birth and I have walked with it since. I may not stop straining against it or trying to bring another person close to me .. but I am not ready to trade in my loneliness for misery. Misery - closeted closely with a woman I do not know and may turn out not to like at all. I do not have to like all my Tribe Family to appreciate them but I would at least appreciate the ability to like the woman that I choose to be with for the rest of life. Either hers or mine. Kam said there may be women right under my nose that I would be very happy with. I told him that was a possibility but if I do not know it .. is that not the point? I can safely say there is no one in my life right now who I consider a prospective mate. And I can also admit that time and effort may or may not play an important part in that.

That said I suppose I will continue to get frustrated with my daemon loneliness and still saddle my kaiila and ride out into the Harigga and .. someday I may not just ride on. But for now I am not trading daemons.

A Song ... and a Weed

"Yours till the stars have no glory, yours till the birds fail to sing, yours till the end of life's story .. this pledge to you dear I bring. Yours in the gray of december here or on far distant shore, I've never loved anyone the way I've loved you .. how could I? when I was born to be .. just yours."


The night had been spent riding night herd. Not much to do but be there in case of alert and ride among the herd keeping them calm. That meant not sneaking up on them and getting them used to your voice and the sound of gear. Hooking a leg around the pommel I rode and sang low .. all the little songs I had heard since I grew up. I did not know where they came from .. who wrote them or even if they were Tuchuk songs. I was not so egotistical as to believe that other peoples did not write songs or sing. I had proof of it in my own head given to me by the tiny parchments. I tried to add a melody to the verses I had memorized but I was not good enough to do so. None of the melodies I knew worked .. so I fell back on the old favorites and sang them to the bosk as the night wore on.

There was no movement of the great beasts so there was very little dust and my wind scarf hung around my neck loose and against my chest. It was too dark to see much even with the light of the moons giving everything a silver tint which left my mind free to wander and explore my thoughts. It was my favorite time of the evening .. here among the bosk. Where everything made sense and nothing seemed too big to solve or too far away to remedy. No one to misunderstand me .. no one to feel disappointed by who I was or what I did. Just me and the bosk and we had an understanding between us. The big red kaiila Kai and I also had this understanding and he would flick his ears back every now and then when I hit a particular note. Once in a while he would sneeze with a nice wet sound and I would know he approved.

It was that morning I found a build up of those dry weeds all piled against the skeleton of a broken down wagon. The planks of the wagon were bleached gray in the intense seasonal heat and cold of the plains .. split and fractured until it almost looked like the ends of one of the verr wool blankets. But it was not the wagon itself that drew my attention .. it was the many little weeds. I threw a leg over the pommel and dropped to the ground stomping my breeches back into place as I strode to the pile .. pulling them away I checked them all and to my surprise my search was not in vain. Deep within there was a parchment tied with a blue string. I felt foolish and made sure no one was watching me .. pleased for the horizon stretching in every direction would not allow it without my knowledge. The string untied and I read the short verse within.

Rough wind, that moanest loud
Grief too sad for song;
Wild wind, when sullen cloud
Knells all the night long;
Sad storm, whose tears are vain,
Bare woods, whose branches strain,
Deep caves and dreary main,-
Wail, for the world's wrong!

-Shelley

Again it struck me so deeply. I wanted to know the story. The why and how that caused such melancholy. It struck a chord I knew and felt myself. Sometimes not sure even why .. only that it was there. The paper was tucked away to consign to the coals later and the string was shoved between my arm and the armband. I would sew it as soon as I had tied the knots that gave the next chapter in the story.

Knots

I spoke to Sajek .. T'zuri's father. I told him my concern about a young unringed girl being at the fires without a relative there. When Saresh came by bringing salted meats to the wagons and obviously knew T'zuri I think Sajek saw my point and realized I was very serious. I invited his family to move their wagons up to the First. That or T'zuri would have to wait to return until she was ringed. He seems to be very intent on the future he has envisioned for her. He is moving his family's wagons forward. Once the girl is ringed I expect Sajek to have many offers for her .. perhaps even one from Saresh.

It was odd to be in the company of a family...a family bound by blood. It is something I have avoided recently. It is still not a thing I can do with comfort. Saresh's arrival gave me an excuse to return to my work. It was not an unpleasant experience. I do not mean to convey that I do not like families or the feelings that they invoke when I am among them. Merely that it is uncomfortable. There is too much there that I missed. Too much I am not familiar with. Too many memories I do not have.

I was too tired to think of the dreams this evening. I went to my own wagons and grabbed some clean leathers and I even went and bathed. It seemed to take forever to scrub the sweat and dirt from my body. The Central Fire has darkened my flesh even more. Either that or the soil has stained it. I carefully braided my wet hair into the single thick rope like braid. Then I sat and taking a strip of kailiauk skin that I had tanned into a soft suede and dyed black I made it into an armband that would rest just below my left shoulder and above the muscle. I began to stitch the strings I had knotted together in a story around the strip. it read from top around and down following the strand. Not only were the strings the same as I had found tying the parchments to the brush but upon the strings I had knotted the verses in a way to bring remembrance of their discovery. When I was done the strings had formed three solid lines down on the armband. The knots stitched so they were facing up and easily read by eye or touch. I felt for some reason I was the keeper of this story. That somehow I should preserve it so that it was not lost to the unknown. I wondered if I would ever know the end or if someday I would pass the keeping to someone else.

With that thought I finally slept.