Will the Real Silken Please Stand Up?

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."


-Shakespeare, from Hamlet


I was gifted with a lance today. An old one .. much like my own that I lost recently to the larl and kaiila. It was given to me by Silken. I was honored to be given such a weapon with such a history obviously within it. I sought her out to give her my thanks and as I sat to talk with her she said some things to me I never expected her to say.

To me the recent events were over and done with. I had said my piece and the drums had beat my words. I moved on. But Silken told me that she wished me to know of her words against me. That she wished the air to be clean between us. I would not have held them against her .. but even more was I appreciative of her bringing them to me. She impressed me with her courage and honesty.

She told me she had spoken against me and called me weak. Out of anger and frustration. I was less concerned with the things she had called me than I was with why. So I asked her why she had been so frustrated with me. She said she had expected .. even worked herself up into thinking she would be punished for disobeying me on the plains. I asked her directly if she wanted me to punish her for being a woman. She said no. I asked her then if she wished me to treat her like a man. She gave me a most definite no. I then asked her why then she thought I would do either one. As frustrating as it is to be disobeyed I would be insane if I expected her to go against the instincts she has as a woman. Men are trained to obey no matter what they think or feel .. women are usually not. She said something I am known for saying .. there are natural consequences for every action either good or bad and I agreed with her. There were natural consequences to her actions. In this case I would not take her with me on any journeys onto the plains. I would not trust her to obey my words any more for she had shown me that trust would be ill placed. But to beat her for being a woman .. no matter how much I wanted to ... would be pointless and simply a demonstration of my temper.

She said she was frustrated that I walked away from the argument with Tarra. I told her I only did so when Tarra and Saresh decided to argue and my contribution was no longer needed nor heeded. At that point I could choose to be immature and stay or leave and wait for everyone to cool down and perhaps begin again if that is what was needed. Or simply to let it go. There was no point to make that was important. Simply a disagreement on preferences and ideals. Again I had no need to make a display of my own temper. It did not make me a better or stronger man. And it certainly would not have helped anyone. Now I am not all that mature and I do not always heed my inner voice on when to walk away from an argument. But I certainly do not consider myself a weak man for getting it right once or twice. She said Shi had explained all that to her. Which surprised me. Shi has not struck me as a man who understands that in any way. I learned something about Silken and Shi at that moment. A good thing.

She told me she was having trouble grounding herself in her daily chosen way of life. Freedom verses the many years she spent serving as a slave. Jerus had given her the best of both worlds and it was no secret around the First Wagons. Though what a man does with his mate away from the fires is no business of ours. She was free floating and needing a strong hand to guide her. I talked to her for a while .. giving her my word none of her words would be used against her. By the time she was done explaining herself I knew she was well grounded in her freedom for now. That would not change. She had too many things in her own head she felt responsible for as a free woman. She would sacrifice her own comfort and happiness for those she loved and cared for. Again she showed great courage to me.

I do not know if her choice was right or wrong. I do not have that kind of insight into the end of her path. I know that it was right for her right now where she is and she will live with the consequences. I felt concern and even some sadness for Silken. She has so much to give and offer and many times her own confusion about how she is supposed to offer it makes people uncomfortable. I hope that Silken finds solid footing on her path. I hope that solid footing brings her comfort and less confusion. I hope that she is able to offer herself in the way that she needs to. And I hope that Shi is able to give her the strong hand she needs to keep her footsteps safe.