Alone

At the fires I spoke for a long time with Kam. We spoke of this and of that but the thing that stuck with me for a while was that we got onto the subject of claiming a woman. I think it started mostly with my own venture into speaking of my son and what I would want for him ... then I said something like I had very little room to talk because I was not even mated to a woman and I had no immediate hope of having a son. Kam told me all I had to do was to take it and it was mine. Now I know this to be true and have even stated so myself. Several times I have come to the decision that I shall saddle my kaiila and ride into the Harigga .. among the millions of wagons and peoples and I shall take one woman and claim her for my own. Just like that. No need to know her or have feelings about her in any way. There were ways of dealing with a woman if they proved to be uncomfortable. But every time I get that kaiila saddled and I ride into the Harigga ... I just keep on riding. Right on through and out the other side.

I am a thinker. A dreamer. I am a man that has vision and a deep strain of melancholy that threads through every aspect of my life. But I am friends with loneliness. I know it well and I can safely say I met loneliness at the moment of my birth and I have walked with it since. I may not stop straining against it or trying to bring another person close to me .. but I am not ready to trade in my loneliness for misery. Misery - closeted closely with a woman I do not know and may turn out not to like at all. I do not have to like all my Tribe Family to appreciate them but I would at least appreciate the ability to like the woman that I choose to be with for the rest of life. Either hers or mine. Kam said there may be women right under my nose that I would be very happy with. I told him that was a possibility but if I do not know it .. is that not the point? I can safely say there is no one in my life right now who I consider a prospective mate. And I can also admit that time and effort may or may not play an important part in that.

That said I suppose I will continue to get frustrated with my daemon loneliness and still saddle my kaiila and ride out into the Harigga and .. someday I may not just ride on. But for now I am not trading daemons.