Wrong Thing at the Right Time

I can say that if I had not been swigging from that bottle lately I would have been in a world of hurt today. But that wrong thing happened at the right time.

Bell wished to tell me a story. After we ironed out this was about her and not me ... she told me of the boy she has been taking care of. The one that is with Cana's wagons and Rook now.

This seemed to have to do with why she wished to be a camp slave .. perhaps free to do as she needed to do with him? I do not know. But she saved him from the larl .. more importantly from the darkness. It seems bell wants a happy ending story. If that is so .. she is right and she never should have cared for me as she did. I am not her happy ending .. nor her warm night or golden morning. I just do not come with a happy ending .. period.

Now I will not say it is easy to hear you are a huge mistake and that the Sky never meant for someone to care about you. Tends to set you back about three steps .. or at least me. But like I said .. I had been drinking a lot lately and so I was able to tell her I was pleased she had found her real path and I was certainly not one to stand in the way of someone's destiny by thought .. deed or wish. Nor to lament that the path no longer includes me in it.

It seems the Sky had her all intended for this kid who needed to be spared from all I had to go through. Did I believe her? Sure as hell did .. this is my experience with the Sky so far and fit my idea of both the Sky and women ... right back to the original Bitch. No the puzzle pieces fit too neatly for it to be bosk shit. So according to the Sky she was brought here from the place called earth and she just got side tracked and mistook me for the one she was supposed to save ... since he could still be saved and I could not.

Am I bitter? No ... why would I begrudge some kid salvation when I know better than anyone what the alternative is? Am I angry at her for her words to me today? No ... it was truth and she wished to give it to me as truth. Did I enjoy it? No .. who would? I am no masochist.

Do I think it was all a mistake and should never have happened. Now you know a part of me wishes I could say that .. but I can not. You see ... I have this issue with the Sky .. we are not speaking. I believe in the Sky .. I do not "not" talk to something that does not exist .. that is just silly. But anyway ... I tend to disagree with the Sky on a regular basis and I think I do now as well. I do not see it has a huge mistake .. I will never look at bell and tell her I should never have cared for her. Even when I want to. I do not hurt people just to hurt them.. even when I want to. I think the Sky and bell have other ideas for where she is going and they just needed to clear the air and make what was a little less important so where she is going can seem fresh and new. But I do not work that way. I do not think any less of what occurred between bell and I now than I did yesterday or the day before she became a camp slave. It was what it was. And as the Sky gives it can take away.

Still does not mean I have to speak to the Sky or agree with a damn thing it does.

Am I jealous of their happy ending? A little. Am I jealous that I am not the one that can be saved? A little. But looking back on that time and wishing for something different never did me any good before and it will not start now.

So bell is off on her new path and her new destiny with a fresh start and nothing to look back at. And I will remember my time with her for what it was and I will not change it to fit anyone else's happy ending because it is a part of who I am today. I am just glad that wrong moment came at the right time.