Happiness ...

Raven came to me at the stream ... she was all put out about people sitting around the fires and putting other people down. It must have had something to do with me because she said .. why can't they just let you be happy? What an odd thing to say to me. Why could I not be happy? Was someone going to stop me from being happy? That is rather impossible. I tend not to let anyone else stop me from being happy. Nor do I rely on their well wishes to be happy with whatever I set out to do. I did appreciate that raven wanted me to be happy .. that touched me and made up a lot for her ear wax problem. But I am still confused as to what it all meant ...

Happiness. What is .. happiness? Is it when someone else does just what you want them to? Is it when you get to control what everyone does and who they do it with so you can have a nice warm fuzzy feeling at the end of the day and know it all went as planned? Is happiness watching someone else have fun no matter what they are doing whether it involves you or not or is what you think is best for them? Is it letting go of your own motivations and letting someone live their own life and watching them grow and fall and being there with them through it all no matter what?

I do not have an answer. Well I do not have an answer you will appreciate anyway. I have happiness. But my happiness does not usually involve people. Happiness for me is when things click and work. When there is no bitching or nagging or expectations for my own happiness to work as someone else wants it to. Happiness is .. the bosk. When the grass is hip high and you just see all these brown bumps above the green as they tear into tender blades getting fat and lazy in the warmth of the Central Fire. Happiness for me is when we finally reach the northern grazing grounds after a hard trek .. to finally know that for sure the bosk will live and we as Tuchuk will survive another season. When my own kaiila foal and when I get them back from their first training and I know they will carry me to victory and protect me with their lives. When I top a rise and see the water hole is full and fresh and I know the bosk will drink and thrive. When I look back as I ride away and I see the many colors of the wagons and flags ... millions of colors so bright and intense it looks like a great offering to the Sky and I can feel and see the pride of the Tuchuk .. that is happiness. When I feel the rush of victory over man or beast and I am high with it .. drunk with it ... and the world is complete for me ... that is happiness.

I do not know if I will ever base my happiness on people. If I will ever sit around the fires and run others down for their ideas of happiness. I do not know if I will ever look into a woman's eyes and find happiness. Perhaps if I ever mate it will be with a woman who sees happiness like I do .. out there. I would like to look into her eyes and see ... the bosk .. the Sky ... the colors ... the pride of Tuchuk.

That is my hope. If there is to be more for me .. if there is to be a happiness found in another person it is not something that I know of or can base a faith in. I have no faith. I do not hope for things I have never seen or experienced. I am a man of simple expectations ... I want what I know I can have ... the rest is left to the Sky ... with whom I am not speaking.