I Take that as a ..

So cold .. so tired. Drained of even the desire to reflect on being drained. One day sliding into the next without boundaries. In a way it is a moment of reprieve. But it is a stark empty loneliness that numbs my nerve endings. To hear everything and realize it is nothing. Even the echo of my questions lost to the vast space around me.

Am I still me? Am I still here in this nothing? So peaceful it is .. like death. Not the kind of death with skin and bones .. but the empty kind of death where there is simply a hole left. Then .. it is being that hole .. not just experiencing that hole. To experience would lend too much to what is .. not there.

It is hard to explain .. even to myself. I feel no identity. Am I to find my identity only in crisis? In drama? In chaos? That idea unnerves me and creates a terrible disturbing rift in my conscious. Much like a jagged crack in a mirror I am having trouble seeing myself clearly in introspect.

I wonder if there is anything too sad .. too awful ... so incredibly horrific as to shatter the mirror. Make me feel .. something ... anything.

To attempt to view oneself in an impure reflection is a nightmare come alive.

It is gifted sight indeed that can recognize the imposter.

If I feel any urge at all it is temptation to seek that sight. But what right have I to bring another into this? To inject this toxic wasteland of empty clarity into the bloodstream of another Spex? I do not know one strong enough to withstand it. I do not know one I would be willing to sacrifice to the not knowing.

To say I am apathetic still lends more credence than I deserve right now. It gives more of an identity to this lack of everything than I feel I have a right to give. Any word really .. is too much. This vacuum of space itself is sucking even the adjectives away from my lips.

And what scares me the most .. what outlines my thoughts in terrible white light ...

I do not think I care.