Toxicity

I sit here with my fist closed around a gesture. A gesture I have used before to silence the caustic bile filled regurgitation of others. And yet I stay my hand. Why. I do not know.

I know I am angry with it. I am beyond frustrated with her. How could she treat me the way she treated me today .. say the things she did ... after all I have done for her? After all her dirty secrets I kept. After I took a breath and listened to Cana speak on her behalf? What does she owe me?

I want to tear apart everything I built for her .. to keep her safe from her own lewd mistakes. I want to expose her. Why? Because of what she said to me today. Because I want others to know what kind of person stands and accuses me. Because I want to defend myself against accusations that strike at the very foothold of my position as Ubar. But my hand is stayed.

The fight within me intense and my fist is tight. Tight for the want and tighter for the restraint.

I have seen her act out before. But never to this extent. I have seen her vomit her negative waste .. but never to this toxic extent. Can I allow it to continue? What responsibility do I have as Ubar to protect others from it? I have never gagged a woman at my fires. It is my belief that they are free and have a right to spew whatever boskshit they feel. But even I am having trouble with the rank smelling spittle. If it continues I will do something about it .. Mayala may just disappear in the night with nothing but a scream to remind us of her existence.

After all I have done .. how could she? I need to speak to Cana. She is the only one that can reach me right now .. but I am afraid to ... I am too angry and I know myself. I will never allow that to touch Cana .. ever. I have to calm down first.

I have never been this angry and held it in. I am not allowed even a defense to the accusations .. to the lies. Everything in me wants to step up to them .. to explain myself. To ... make someone understand. But to do so would be disaster. There was only one person there who knew where I was at with it. Who knew me enough to know what surged near the surface. The writhing turmoil of my own pulse so near the place in my brain where action is called upon .. violent destructive action. She stood behind me. I wanted to turn it all on her and break her down and make her remember her position and everything she took from me. But it is not her I am angry with .. I will not vent on her simply because I allowed Mayala to stand and deliver her toxicity to me without recompense. I am .. somewhere ... thankful for the understanding. Someone ... someone acknowledged. Someone understood .. even if it was just a little .. what I was just about to do.