In the Land of Shadow

When I reached the main fires I was still stepping with a certain rhythm that sung somewhere inside my spirit. There were many there and .. dust and sweat aside ... they recognized me of course. Cana brought me food and I was a little surprised but thankful. I was hungry .. I had not realized how much. It was not long though before I caught on to the strained vibe between Sakmeta and T'zuri. The two I .. I thought ... had been friends. Now friendships come and go around the First Wagons especially when there are men involved but I figured I knew which man both were interested in and I was not sure how that had crossed paths. So I figured it was something else. This presumption was more solidified when Sakmeta asked me for a few moments to speak and I told her as soon as I ate I would be all over it.

Falon had told me earlier that Tarra wished to speak to me and I had told her that I was easy to find and when Tarra found me and asked I was more than ready. Tarra spoke to me at the fires and made plans to speak later .. she looked tired and ready to rest and I nodded to her and turned to speak to Sakmeta .. but she disappeared without a word. Something was indeed up and I meant to get to the bottom of it. Since I could not find Sakmeta I went to find T'zuri. I did not find her until much later.

Now it is no secret to me or around the fires that T'zuri has a crush on me. And I call it a crush because I believe it is her first thoughts of such things. Am I taking it lightly? No .. I would not say that ... a woman's first crush can and has turned into her life's love but .. not always. T'zuri needed time to learn .. to grow ... to really know who I am before I would trust that her crush would not fade and die within the burning wasteland of who I am. My soul is a dark black hole. No I would not say black ... I would say lack of color. Whatever you wish to call that. It is a place where there is no color .. no black no white no gray no red or blue or green .. or any shade in between. So I have respect for her words .. but very little faith in their ability to thrive and grow.

But I digress. It was later when I found T'zuri at her family's wagons and the coals of the fire had died to a dull red. I watched from the shadows as long as a man can watch an unmated woman without it turning into spying. I stepped forward and spoke to her and she smiled. That kind of smile that lights things up. I asked her what was wrong. She said she had been missing me. I asked her why .. I was right here.

I sat with her for a time. Then I entered through the back door and I asked her of a kiss. I asked her if she would kiss a man that was not her mate. And by that thread I brought up Sakmeta and the wager of her kiss with Kaz. Not that it was any of my business but I really wanted to find out what was going on between them. It spilled out at that point. I have never seen T'zuri act more like a spoiled jit with her fist caught in a gourd ... save for when she was mucking around with my laundry. She was properly contrite though. Not that I expect her antics to ease up any time soon. But at least in this case she had run smack into the wall of the reality that stirring a stick in other's affairs is not always a safe and sane thing to do .. despite the amusement factor. Now I am pretty sure there was more to it than that but at that point I had put my arm around her in a .. friendly sort of comforting way and things got really uncomfortable. There came a sudden sweeping realization that it was not an old woman .. or a sexually neutral human that was sitting next to me .. but a very viable young woman.

Who was sneaking through whose back door?

There was someone close. And of course that set off all the jingling bell alarms in my head and I felt that old black magic start to swirl into a familiar vortex and I .. left.

Lack of courage you say? No .. lack of desire to paint my anger and darkness on another human. Lack of desire to see the marks of my own frustrations laid upon her flesh. Lack of desire to extinguish this pretty little spark of flame that she seems to have for me. Now a man does enjoy being looked at for who he is. No lies or fantasy to shade and color .. just the stark exposed knowledge of who he really is. But there is something to be said for the dreams of the naive when they shine from the eyes. A man needs to be looked at like that too .. like he can do no wrong. Like he is something bigger and better than he really is. I did not want to snuff that out with reality. And I knew I would. I always do. Just .. not tonight.