To Grasp the Darkness

I was leaving the Clan fires when I heard my name in the dark and I paused to talk to Tarra. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question and I told her I answered most person questions brought to me. I could not think of anything I would not be willing to speak to her of.

She asked me of the other night when I was drinking. She asked me what took hold of me. As good as it is that someone noticed and asked me how I am .. it was still not easy to talk of. Still not easy to explain in words that make any kind of sense. I explained about my mother's death during my birth. She understood then.

She asked me if I blamed myself for it. I said of course ... do not most in that situation? But even if I did not I had someone to make sure I knew and realized it was my fault. She asked me who that was. I told her it was my father.

She asked me if that was why I was sometimes uncomfortable around families. And I told her yes. It was something I had spoken of to both Kam and Falon. I just did not have a lot of experience when it came to such and the experience I did have was not something I wanted to be sharing with anyone. I told her that my ideas of family have bent Falon up a little and so she asked me about what I meant by that.

I explained that I had not flirted nor made any push to get to know Falon in a closer way since Tayco's pyre. And Falon had finally approached me to ask of this. That I had told her of my reasons and that I had also told her that I would never mate a woman whose family I struggled to get along with. Tarra agreed that it was a very intelligent thing. She asked me then if I felt that about Falon's family in particular. I said that I had struggled here and there .. but as to whether that had straitened itself out or not I could not assume.

As a Tribe family I can forgive disrespect easily. I have many times. I do not take it too personally if someone disagrees with me or tells me I am wrong. I want people to have different opinions and ideas of how things should be done. And there will be times I learn from it and change .. and there will be times when I feel I am right and I will continue to do things as I feel is the best. But when a man and a woman get together there are enough struggles and issues and problems that they must work through ... especially if I am that man ... and I just can not see adding something else into the problem pile. She understood me. I am pleased that she did. To have your feelings validated is a good thing.

She told me Falon could handle a lot more than I gave her credit for. I told her she very well could be right but Falon and I never got closer than friends before Tayco's pyre. And though I consider Falon a good friend I never got to know her more than that .. or her I. So what she could handle or not handle was still something I did not know of Falon.

She said we should get off our asses and get to know each other .... then she said that was probably the mother coming out in her.

I said no. If it were the mother in her coming out she would not let me within a pasang of her daughter.

She asked me if it was because of the dark storm that raged within me. I replied .. yes.

She said .. One thing about storms.. they are not meant to be controlled ortamed merely guided and supported even when they lash out in a destructiveforce. She said that Falon has lived with a dark storm all her life but that she .. Tarra ... hid it better than I did.

I asked Tarra then if she was telling me that she would be all right with Falon being abused.

She said no.

I said good. I was pleased she understood exactly what I meant then by my earlier statement.
She said she also understood that those with a dark rage can feel more intensely than others .. that they can still feel and know the positive .. that violence can be an element in a relationship at times and it can be a positive thing depending on how it is channeled.

I told her I was aware of this .. but that I was not always successful at channeling mine in a positive manner. That was my point .. entirely.

She said right now I have not learned to do so. That in time I might grow to the point where I was in control of it.

That is a big might. That is a big .. maybe. A giant .. perhaps. It looms larger than life and darker than black to me. A gulf I do not know if I can ever cross ... a chasm I have not seen the other side of .. nor can I fathom the depth of. For now I must live and act with what I do know .. and what I can fathom. But her words give me thought.

I wonder if I will ever be able to hold the darkness in my hand.