Father

T'zuri said I had taken away her fear but I had left the sadness. I told her there was never a place for fear .. respect perhaps. Respect for something bigger and stronger but not fear. She asked me if I was ever afraid of anything .. did I not fear something?

I had to chuckle. Well of course I was. Just because I could sit and say what should be did not mean I always could do it myself. There were plenty of things I had fears about.

She asked me to give her an example and I asked her if she wanted a fear I had gotten control of or if she wanted an example of a fear I still had. Well of course after learning there were two types she wanted examples of each. Of course.

Well I told her I used to be afraid of people. What they could do to me. What they could take away from me. But I was not afraid of them any more. Most of that eased off when I got strong enough to protect myself from them. Still do not always trust them .. but I no longer fear them. I told her I used to be afraid to die. But that was a long .. long time ago. I have not been afraid to die since I was three.

I told her I was still afraid that I would cease to be before I left something behind. A legacy. Something to remind people of who I am and what I have done .. like she does for her father. She said I should become a father .. that I would be a good one and that led me to my next fear.

I told her I was afraid I would be my own father's legacy. That I would pass on what he left to me and that it would not end with me.

She said .. but would not knowing the difference be the key? To avoiding being what I did not want to be?

Well if only that were true. I told her I did know the difference .. and I told her I had a good reason to fear. I am not always who I wish to be.

She said she would hope that my father gave me some of the wisdom that I have. I replied. He gave me nothing .. but he taught me plenty. And there was a sharp edge of bitterness to my tone when I said it.

I think she began to realize that our relationships with our fathers were very different.

Then she said .. that when she looked at me she did not see my father at all.

That meant a lot to me. More than I can say. Not because she knew my father and could tell a difference. Not because she had anything to compare because she had never really seen that side of me. Not really. It meant a lot to me because it was just that good to hear. No matter what she knew or did not know .. it just was really .. good to hear it.

She said some other things that meant a lot to me. Things about her own Father .. a man I had come to respect in the short time I knew him ... and about me. In the end I am no longer sure which one of us was helping the other but I think we both were better off after all was said and done.

I wish I did not see my father in me at all .. like she said. But I do. I wish I had no legacy to pass on .. but I do. I hope I can be different than my father was .. but I do not know. I hate that I can see him in me. I hate that I carry him at all .. that I keep any part of him alive. I wish I had known T'zuri's father better. I wish I had a father like that. I wonder who I would be today if I did.