Méditation III

If I Had Words

2008-01-31T17:33:00.000-08:00

"If I had words to make a day for you
I'd sing you a morning golden and new
I would make this day last for all time
Give you a night deep in moon shine"

-Lyrics

It is that time ... so 673 posts into this character .. welcome to the fourth journal...

http://coleredediable4.blogspot.com/

Fonce the Man .. Not the Ubar

2008-01-30T17:30:00.000-08:00

I was walking by Saresh's wagon when I stopped to talk to him. We spoke of Mayala briefly. I think he had closed the song on it before I had .. but it was my job to make sure .. as much as I could ... that there was some closure. And do that without the working knowledge of what passed between them that Saresh had.

He was all bandaged up on his arm and I asked what he tangled with. Figured it was a bosk horn or a kaiila fang .. but it was not. It was Saresh. Now this is not something that is new to me .. not my thing personally but I understand it well enough. Some would judge me for that little slit right over my heart and those same people might judge Saresh too .. but those people are not me.

He said he had realized he knew very little about me .. as a man. Now that came as no surprise .. few did really. He asked me why that was and I said it was not my way to shove myself on people. He asked me then what of those that asked and I replied truthfully ... that I gave as much as I could and freely. That I could not think of anything I just would not speak of .. though there were things that were much harder than others ... understandably.

So he started off with a whopper. He asked me what my name meant and how I earned it. Wow. Yes I am quite aware that a man's name is all he is cracked up to be. Everything he is and everything he aspires to become. We earn our names .. and that is why I never fuck with them. But it was still odd that he asked me of mine .. no one ever has before.

I told him the truth .. I do not know what my name means. That is hard for me to admit. I think it comes from another language and another place ... it meant something to my father I believe and I try to live up to it and give it honor and courage but the origin of it is lost to me. These things I told him ... though it was not easy.

As for how I earned it ... I had killed a Kassar commander. Now it was not as bold and amazing as it sounded ... probably more of an accident ... but that is how I earned it.

Then he asked me a question that took me back some. He asked me my opinion on why he was not successful as a mate. Now I had not remembered the first .. it was a long time ago. But Mayala? I told him hell .. I would have had to give him a rainbow of scars if he had pulled that one off. I could not get along with her at all and ended up wanting to kill her three times over simply for a conversation at the fires. Now I told him I did not mean to speak ill of her after she was gone .. but since I had spoken ill of her while she was here I guessed it was all right. I was not saying anything to Saresh that I had not said to her .. that woman drove me insane.

I kind of went off then .. about Mayala. Got into a rut and just let it spill and he then apologized to me for not handling it sooner. The situation. Now I sort of felt bad for going on and on and I told him how I felt.

I told him that as much as I would like to say it is all about control .. and that I would have done so much better than him ... truth be told I have never been in love with a woman ... never had a mate ... so who am I to judge? It is a hard thing I think .. to balance control and caring for a woman. To appear a man strong and dominant and in control of your woman and at the same time care for her ... love her. And live with every decision that you make regarding her. Knowing it will effect the very fabric of your relationship with her.

A man who does not think carefully about that .. simply does not care.

I walked away from Saresh feeling as if my guts had all been laid out to be examined. Spoken of with logic and detached wisdom. It is not often someone asks me about me .. or for that matter ask me questions about themselves that spark a lot of introspection. Saresh did both today.

New Vest

2008-01-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well most people know I can count the clothes I own on two hands worth of fingers. It has always been that way and the thing about being a guy is I have been this tall for a long time now and so my clothes are many years old.

Lately I have bulked up some .. put some muscle on this lean lanky frame of mine .. mostly around my shoulders and chest but that is to be expected with my age and with as much as I work.

Sometimes being around a guy like Sahli makes me feel old .. even though we are only a few years apart .. but I can tell you I was very comfortable with sex long before I was supposed to be. It just happened that way for me .. girls much older than I were showing me things and I just naturally was all about learning. Sat in the front row of that class.

Anyway .. my clothes. Now with me around the fires every day .. most people have a rather solid idea of what I have to wear .. not a big stretch of the imagination. I was a little embarrassed when Jaella started talking to me about it .. but just a little. I rattled off what I own and told her I could use a new vest and she said she would make sure I had another .. to make two.

And she did that all right .. but the thing she gave me is not clothes. It is like a work of art. Where am I supposed to wear this? to my pyre? It is beautiful. I do not wear beautiful ... if I do it does not stay beautiful for long.

I am very thankful .. and I intend to give her a big bosk as a kind of congratulations .. thank you .. and payment for the vest. But .. truth be told ... I am a little embarrassed to wear it. It does not go with anything I own. It looks ... different. New. Not well worn. It makes my other clothes feel bad. I like to look at it though. So I hung it up over one of the chests in my wagon. I did the same thing with the saddle blanket she made. Like a picture. I like to look at it too.

Caress

2008-01-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

"Don't you know this tale
In which all I ever wanted
I'll never have
For who could ever learn to love a beast?

However cold the wind and rain
I'll be there to ease your pain
However cruel the mirrors of sin
Remember beauty is found within

...Forever shall the wolf in me desire the sheep in you..."

-Nightwish

It is not something that I try to do. But it is something I am rather good at. Unfortunately. When something is bothering me I am a wounded Kur when it comes to trying to get to me. That means close to me or through to me .. either one. I am a good listener .. I am an excellent source of wisdom .. if ... I say if ... I am comfortable. Otherwise there is only one thing on my mind and that is what is making me not comfortable. And I am going to worry it like a sleen with a bone until it stops bothering me. Either I solve it .. or I give up and walk away from it. But as long as it is there ... and I am there ... good luck trying to find me without my hackles up.

I was bristling all over today after my talk with blue. My talk .. more like my ripping her so many new assholes I would not know where to start to fuck her in one of them. Choices.

I was furious .. enraged ... puzzled ... irritated ... and a few other negative adjectives thrown in for flavor. I wanted to destroy something .. break it apart and tear it to shreds and what came bouncing across to me from my wagon? T'zuri.

I was not signed up for dancing and happy today. I growled at her and crouched by my small fire. Beware .. dangerous ground. I will give her credit .. she got it pretty fast that I was not in the mood for frivolity. My spines so thin and razor sharp they severed sound from thin air and it fell in sharp strained pieces all around us.

She snuggled up next to me and asked me what had me bent so out of shape and twisted sideways. I told her blue pissed me off. She asked me how .. and I told her she did not want to know .. just back off and I would get over it. Usually that works.

Big surprise it did not. Should know by now.

She shifted all around inside her little bundled up crouch next to mine .. not enough to invade my space just enough so I was more than aware she was there and ... in motion. Have I said she reminds me of Mezoo's jit? Let me say it one more time. I want to strangle that monkey too.

She said she really did want to know. I demanded she tell me why if she wanted me to believe her.

She said she needed to know so she could decide if she needed to go leap on her like she did Arigh. This said as she slid her little fingers over and between mine. I chuckled despite my anger.

I told her I had a conversation with Cana .. and blue made herself a part of it. I did not tell her what the conversation was about. It was still too raw and personal for me. Too hard to talk about with anyone. Which is the main reason that I ripped blue's head off for trying to talk to me about it. That and she really did have no idea what she spoke of. None at all. Not even T'zuri could give me a valid opinion on it. Even she had never known that side of me. Perhaps that is why I am dragging my heels so much in making her .. la kajira. Wrapping my head around it all.

I know it is irresponsible of me not to shove her one way or the other. I know in my indecision of the matter I am creating problems I will have to deal with later .. but now tell me whose business is it but my own? Not even T'zuri's at the moment .. she gave up the right to demand anything the moment she submitted to my will. My will ... not hers ... and certainly not anyone else's. This is my picture I am painting and to hell with anyone who does not like the way I am doing it.

I am still bristling.

I am not really sure how she molded and flowed around me like some kind of liquid. It seems I must prick and poke her. My thoughts and words so sharp and cruel. How can she not bleed? She is so naive and tender .. how can she not be wounded for it all? I do not mean half of it .. at least not as harsh as it comes out of my mouth. I wish had words when I am angry. Good words .. instead I have only razor sharp ends that seem to carve and puncture.

The crazy thing is .. when I look in her eyes and I see myself there it is like she does not remember any of the bad stuff .. like it does not stick to her. Like she never even sees it. And instead of lulling me into some kind of self denial .. that it really does not exist. I want to be better for it.

Not just with her .. but with everyone. Do they realize what she does for them? Do they understand how it effects them too? Would they care if they did? Or am I really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

That begins to wax even too deep for me.

Bottom line I felt better for the few moments I spent with T'zuri by my fire. I suppose that is really all that matters. I did not have to vent or rage about another person to feel that way .. I did not have to tell her all that made me uncomfortable about my conversation with Cana .. she did not have to crawl all up in my shit and know what happened. I just needed to know someone gave a wild fuck that my fur had been ruffled the wrong way .. and in caring ... could still respect my space.

I Do Not .. Get It

2008-01-29T07:41:00.000-08:00

Blue irritated me today. I wonder if I will ever open a conversation about blue without using that statement. I hope so.

Anyway .. blue irritated me today. Today she came to tell me all the things she had figured out ... her epiphanies. I listened. Words mean very little to me. They mean something .. but not much. You can talk till you are "blue" in the face .. what matters to me is ... can you act on it. Can you live it.

To die for me is easy .. can you live for me?

If she had left it at that .. it would have been fine. Nothing to sing about .. but nothing too irritating. But she went and stepped on something she had no right to step in. She thought she could comment on a conversation I had with Cana. And she thought she could teach me something .. a lesson about it. She is sadly .. poorly mistaken. It is none of her business. It is not her's to comment on. She has no knowledge or right to think she knows a damn thing about it. She does not. She does not know me. She has never been a part of what she speaks with authority on. She can not know .. therefor can not say.

Did she think first of all .. that I would allow her to make a conversation between free people her own?

Did she think second of all that I would allow her to speak with authority on something she has no experience with?

Did she think thirdly that I would tolerate her assumptions about me .. telling me that I am wrong? Arguing with me about me to teach me a lesson about me?

I did not of course. She continued to argue with me. I dismissed her to argue somewhere else. She .. was happy about that. She went to ... argue ... with herself.

I do not get it. I watch her gut herself over and over again ... believing it is me doing it and she is .. happy ... about it. Like she is giving me this gift of sacrifice. Well I did not ask for a sacrifice. That is not me gutting her .. that is her gutting herself. She seems to have a better master/slave experience without me there. That is so strange to me. A slave wanting nothing .. needing nothing from me at all. I suppose it is a good thing .. more camp slaves like that and I would have shitloads of time on my hands for other things.

The best master on the Plains and I do not have to do a damn thing.

But .. it is weird. I actually ... do not get it.

Soul of Fire .. Touch of Ice

2008-01-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

I do not ask sleen what she wants from me very often. At least not around free women. I am pretty damn sure I know what she will say .. in great detail ... and I do not need to get that started at the fires .. unless I am waxing obnoxious of course.

I am comfortable around sleen. I do not feel any pressure from her. I mean I know what she wants from me .. that is obvious ... but she seems content to serve me in any way I desire and she floats in and out of my space without me even realizing it. I am not really sure how she does that. I wish I did .. I would like to be able to teach it. Her skin is hot like her soul is made of fire .. but her touch is cool and soothing.

That does not touch on her sexuality. The girl is leaking it out of her edges. And no .. I will not say oozing like Ina .. or refer to puddles. If the girl starts leaving puddles without proper motivation I will have Fal... I will have Silken check her out. Now there is an idea. Silken and Sleen. S's.

Smirk.

She smells like nutmeg. Sleen .. not Silken. And I know that because I asked her what it was that she smelled like. I like it ... on her. It is a little different and teases some kind of comfort hunger in me. The only bad thing I have heard about her service so far is that she is so sexual. I really try to be understanding but .. I really do not find that to be a problem. I think I could put a dung sack over sleen and she would still be sexy. So .. why should I? Might as well flaunt it.

What Tribe Really Means

2008-01-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

I got a gift from Jaella today. The saddle blanket that she had started with Mayala and finished despite Mayala leaving the Tribe. It was a patchwork of pieces brought together to form a great vista of the Tuchuk people. It was an impressive bit of leather work and I was honored that she gave it to me. I told her it was so going to get dirty .. she said leather can be cleaned. I asked her if she would show T'z-boots how .. and she got this look in her eye. She said she would be willing to do so and even had some things she figured that the slave could do for her. Well that look in her eyes had me take a few steps back and wonder what it meant .. I am not sure I will be sending my boots to her. At least not until I know what that look means. Lately I have had to retrain a couple of the slaves after people make their preferences sound like all encompassing laws. I have no desire to go through that any more than I absolutely have to. And considering how often the men of the First Fires offer their personal slaves for service? I do not feel I have any need to do so.

I asked Jaella to make me a vest .. I can count the clothes I have on two sets of fingers. It would be something out of the ordinary to have a new one .. I liked the idea.

We continued to speak though .. of Tribe and what it means. How many different people come together with different ideas and how it all melts into one big people and one bigger understanding. I think this is true for the most part .. in theory it is the way of the Tuchuk. As with all theories it has flaws here and there but I honestly believe in it. I keep trying for that .. even when I get angry and frustrated with people who do not.

There are times when I bow my head and hunch my shoulders and ask for it to be taken from me. This great responsibility. To let it go to someone else. But those moments do not last .. I gain some bit of energy .. some spark of something from someone ... like Jaella ... that remind me why I do it. Why I am who and what I am and that I can take another step ... and another .... and another.

To those people during those times .. I am very thankful.

Baby Blue

2008-01-26T15:11:00.000-08:00

lullaby baby blue
time to kick off your walkin shoes
and hug the pillow on your bed
and lay down your sleepy head

hush now
no need to talk
hear the ticking of the clock
stars that twinkle stars that shine
dream and you'll have wings to fly

goodnight baby blue
close your eyes baby blue
the moonlit sky watches over you
so close your eyes
baby blue

-Keb' Mo'

You're just as beautiful to me when you're singin' the blues .. use it.
Meet me on that blue-berry hill and we will torture some music together.

Her ... On My Step

2008-01-26T08:15:00.000-08:00

Seduced by something much more simple than events conspired to lure and fascinate. I find myself in a world of primary colors that blend easily together without a strain on the eye.

Simple like the sound of the wind walking through the grass. The color of the Sky on a winter's morning. The evening star. Or the smell of stewed meat after a long day of riding.

I realized something this year. I will have to replace the structure of my wagon. I had meant to after the storm but things just got away from me and I ended up with just more patching. I mean .. I have the leather top ... and the bracing ... I just have not put it all together. The more time I spend in my wagon the more I realize how much needs to be done. I have not cared much for it since it became my own .. and I moved my simple ... there is that word again .... world into it.

Not that I intend to lose that sparse clean aura that I have attained within it. But the structure itself must be improved.

I got waylaid by Oren and Astar .. demanding that I get a few pots of my own. What? Why? Now? Since when? Oh.... boots. Well .. I had not thought of that before. Despite the fact the two of them had me backed into a corner .. not easy to do on the plains ... they both had amused quirks to the corners of their mouths and I got the distinct feeling they were amused.

The entire thing was uncomfortable. Why could they not just leave well enough alone .. why did they have to go changing things. All of them. Women. I was feeling claustrophobic and had the distinct desire to go riding again ..but I needed one of my clean tunics. I escaped the twins of terror and made it to my steps and I had to pause .. there painted upon one of them was a little heart ... I touched it to see if it was dry and it was mostly. Fortunately for the heart .. I did not smudge it. I shook my head with a smirk and got my tunic from the chest .. jogging down my steps then.

I do not know where my boots was but since I did not see the dirty laundry where it usually sits I guessed she was making herself useful. I had a few ideas for that myself but they could wait until I had the time to share them with her. For now I had about a hundred things to do and just about as many people that wanted to talk to me about them.

I think that heart on my step is an example of those .. simple things ... I was trying to describe earlier. It was such a girlie thing to do .. but I did not see the heart when I looked at it. I saw her .. I smelled her ... I tasted her. And I carried that with me throughout the day.

Taste

2008-01-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

O, why did ye not melt, and leave my sense
Unhaunted quite of all but - nothingness?

-Keats

Sex. I know what the word is. I know how to write it .. even if I rarely admit that I do. I know what the act is. I know how to do it. Well enough I am not plagued with doubt as to ability. To inspire? There is but to spur the primal need .. and yet ...

She is like a maze to me. Both chastity and beauty meant to be plundered and ravished in appreciation ... like narrow wagon streets where I wander from one to the next without reason. One foot in lofty ... I feel as if my head is full of webs and mists and I can not quite grasp what it is that trips so easy from my tongue when I have no wish to speak it.

And it is all such boskshit.

Is it her virginity? No .. virgins more ripe with their innocence have fallen to my tongue without so much as a thought spared the soul of destiny.

Is it possession? I have possessed .. I have conquered. I have stood the gauntlet of bestial passions a man when at the end I am clawed and bled for the fight of it.

Is it my own loneliness? I have disdained the best and chosen to be alone many more times than not.

So what then? What haunts me with an ahn .. a day ... between? Is it love? This thing I profane with distrust. By doubt have I spoken it into existence? Have I born it on my very fear? Have I fabricated this vision from transient moments of pain? Shall it be so fleeting a thing as my imagination?

Or is love in spite of it all .. a thing... as I once believed .... more powerful than even my creative force.

Who am I to grasp such petaled softness in callused and dirty hands. To leave velvet perfection marred and marked forever by my own humanity. I will fail .. I always do. One small thing will escape me and I will come to miss and yearn for that which I have lost .. how then can I step forward when I know that this awaits in store for me more surely than my eventual death?

Am I afraid of death? No surely not for I have faced it a dozen times over with head held high and lance held with no infirmity within my grasp. I have dared death .. charged it with no crack in courage nor intent. So why is love a power to be feared so more than death? Because as a man I have been trained to believe that honorable death is nothing more than what is sought by every man-child of the Tuchuk? Generations ingrained within my cells of war cries and battle sounds that lull and lure even the most gentle of men?

And yet .. truth be told ... in the face of love I am a coward and with every breath I must desecrate this sacred trust I have been given. I must humiliate this perfection and whisper vulgar lies to pollute the amity between us.

Is she deaf that she does not hear? Is she blind that she does not see? Is she mute that she does not defend herself against me? Is there no enmity within her for me? No matter what evil thing I vomit in her presence?

I still smell her upon me. Her scent lingering to remind me of fruit yet to be savored .. a rich ripe nectar to be seduced from the flower. She flits about my thoughts ... am I lover or madman? What shall be left within when all this vile waste is vented from me and I am unable to change that which I rage upon and pray will stand the force of all I throw against it?

A New Song

2008-01-25T08:12:00.000-08:00

Like a melody with single notes .. note by note .. simple ... before all the other is added in. A dance .. one step .. two step ... three step. A string with knots .. one by one a language ... a story of people and events.

I am on new ground here. Creeping along and trying to watch my backside. I know that is not how it is supposed to be. I know it should be different. This learning of love thing .. but I have lived too long with great examples of what is not love that I am all about paranoia. So it happens the way I do it and no other's way.

In my head the woman T'zuri has one foot stuck in being free and one stuck in being a slave. I am just not wrapping my head all around it yet. Dragging my heels a little. Waiting for the lance tip to drive between my ribs from a direction I forgot to look. One careless moment.

The crazy thing is .. notice how many times I use the words insane and crazy lately? There is a reason ... so the crazy thing is that she keeps floating along with me adjusting to my demands like she does not care where I put her or what I do with her or how I feel about it when I do... just so long as she gets to be with me. I get myself all wound up and pull that dominant shit and she nods her pretty head at me. I am all dressed up for war .. lance .. helmet ... chains and all ... sitting on my war kaiila and ... there she is kneeling all dressed up in nothing but a white flag and a smile.

And those black boots.

So how the hell am I supposed to wag war against that?

Right.

So I may not be waging a war here .. but caution is the name of the game.

For days I thought on a collar. Usually it flows quite naturally for me. For bell it was a piece of my belt. It pleased me. For T'zuri I did not know. A length of new leather was oiled and worked through my fingers when I had time. It helped me think. It reminded me of the work I had put into the armband I wore and that is when it came to me. Fell into place.

It was time for a new song. A song that was mine and not someone else's. A song that I was writing.. forming measures and verses to. My history .. the history of Fonce. Had I not .. so many years ago ... asked the Sky for someone to paint with? Back when I believed .. when I had faith. When I looked to the Sky.

So why not. Why not have my own song. Why not create my own music .. my own story. Instead of worshipping and coveting another. I was not meant to live like that.

I am Fonce. I am Haruspex. I am warrior. I am the Ubar of the Tuchuk.

I will have my own song.

Some Things Change .. Some Remain the Same

2008-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

I am irritated. Big surprise.

And it all boils down to my opinions again. My feelings. But I guess when it comes to me .. that is what counts .... right? I mean .. if you want to know what makes me tick .. what gets to me .. what makes me like you or not like you ... it is my feelings that need to be considered ... right?

Now in the great grand scheme of things .. what does it change? Nothing important. Just things within me.

Since when is a slave wrong for serving me? Since when does a slave have to apologize for caring about me? Am I not her master? Am I not the Ubar? Why does her service to me demand her apology? She did nothing wrong.

Those who demand it .. offend me. She was free at the time to serve any person at the fires .. she chose me. For a moment she put my feelings first. And what does she get for it? Belittled .. cut apart and strictures given. Driven to the point that even though I publicly defended her .. to those who accused ... she still acted shamed and sorry.

Two things came out of my irritation that night.

One .. it will be a long time before I believe those involved when they say they care about me.

Two .. it will be along time before I publicly defend that slave because what I did was a gift that was discarded in the face of other's disapproval of her service to me.

I hate waste.

Her ... Gift

2008-01-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

"...The music was loud. The beat louder. It jostled her sense and she smiled as patrons played in the numbed dimension of drunkenness that made them obnoxious and endearing at the same time.

She felt the effects of her own drink. A warmth. An easing of the tension between cells. The sliding into the sway of music as things took on a more liquid hew.

It was a sudden jolt as someone clipped her elbow and her drink fell with a silent shattering on the floor. Irritation like a white light flashed over her but it was slowly drowned by the quiet assurance that enveloped her from the side. As if he had always been there. He bent and spread a white handkerchief on the floor. Piece by piece he began to pick up the shattered remnants of her glass. She wanted to protest. It was nothing but a bar glass. But she was spell bound by the act itself. Here .. in a place like this. As if the cheap shards were diamond chips.

His shoulders were strong. The dark suit fit like it was tailored. It probably was .. not many men carried handkerchiefs any more. Not in the circles she was used to milling around in. But that was the point .. right? Why she was here. His hair was black and cut close to his head. The idle thought of touching it left her with the assuring assumption that it would caress her fingers right back.

He rose and her eyes met his and she knew then this was the man she had been sent to meet. But a sudden defiance welled up in her as his black gaze seemed so aware of her .. so comfortable as if he knew and did not care. She felt her own chin lift as he offered her his arm. When had the music .. the sound of the crowd ... faded? What was she doing? His face was so strong and sure. It matched the picture but .. if only the picture could have warned her of the power that emanated from him. Like the scent of his cologne. Clean .. pure ... something with cedar.

From the moment she put her fingers at the crook of his elbow the feel of his suit .. the muscle beneath ... she dropped her head respectfully. But a terribly gentle touch lifted her chin. Her eyes met his mouth and rose no further. This was the way it was supposed to be. This was the way it went .. the dance.

But he kept insisting.. breaking the rules. Lifting her features until her eyes would submit and meet his own black ones again. She felt his gaze race through her blood stream as it touched her lungs. When the connection was made he nodded .. turning to walk from the bar and without trying or thinking about it at all her step fell naturally with his.

A roller coaster of emotion. She was doing exactly what she had been sent to do .. better than she had planned it herself and yet .. and yet ... she had the knowledge she was no more in control of these events any more than the wave controlled the tide or the island controlled the volcano .. they were simply along for the ride...."

- from one of mine

More Powerful Than Steel

2008-01-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

How easily I sacrificed everyone in that plea. In a way I meant every word and in another I did not. I begin to grow .. stretch ... and there are those that have been there for me in ways I can never properly repay. They have cared for me in their ways and I am a better man for it. I did not mean to make them less .. or not important with that plea. I think I have placed everything that I have left .. every shred of hope and belief ... however small .... in her. On her. A terribly dangerous and misguided thing to do. But she is not here to make me regret it. In her absence .. we are both safe.

So what do you do with it all? What is there for a man to do when it all starts falling apart around him and everything he grasps turns to dust?

Save one. Whatever you do .. at least you can say you saved one.

Well if there was anyone who needed saving from me at the moment it was T'zuri. She was rather the epitome of "needing to be saved". So I wound all that right around her and with all that energy focused like a beam of light through glass ... I headed for my wagon.

In my hands I held the vest and skirt she had shed for me at the stream when she submitted ... and if you have to ask me where I got them you have not been paying very close attention.

I was a storm of intent .. nearly not human any more for it. My gaze on something that was not here .. with us. She tried to greet me .. as she usually does ... but I grabbed her up by the hair and I drug her backwards into my trajectory that held the inner sanctum of my wagon as a goal. My breathing and step without rhythm .. drunk for the lack of it. The heels of those little black boots attempting to find the steps behind her. I felt her little hands clutch at my wrist and arm attempting to save her scalp as I jerked her up over the steps and before I threw her within onto the floor. Her skirt and vest slapped at her as I threw them and choked out in a voice that did not seem to be my own ... "get dressed .. get dressed fast ... you are going home to your momma and Letti .... now."

She was smoothing her hair .. asking me what happened .. what it was about. The femininity of the gesture nearly had me insane. I still could not get the visions out of my head and she wanted me to have this conversation with her about it. I could not find the words and my chest kept rising and falling sporadically .. which was really crazy because I was damn sure that all the air I was taking in was getting trapped in my lungs ... strangled there and held for ransom. Why could she not just do what I asked? It was simple .. a directive. For once in her little jit monkey life ... why did she have to fuck with me like this? Now? I felt that edge slipping through my fingers and I tried desperately to hang on ... just a little bit longer. The line between saving and destroying ... loving and hating is so small ... had she lost her mind?

She asked me if I expected her to go back .. like none of it ever happened. I stared at her. Well .. duh. I nodded somewhat desperately. Somewhere inside of me the boy was grasping onto the idea that I could still fix this .. put all the pieces back together with some glue and hold tight .. blowing gently and praying the cracks would disappear.

"I can't go back."

"But you have to."

She told me all the reasons she could not .. would not. Things about what would kill her .. destroy her. But the thing that got to me .. the thing that took all the energy out of me ... she said it did not matter what I did. She would just come back.

Well fuck.

What the hell do you do with that? Fucking jit monkey fish out of water boskshit anyway. There was not a damn thing I could do about it. Not a thing. Either I accepted it .. or I fought it. Fighting it would drag it all over this camp like butter melting on a hot black cooking pot. I can control a lot of things .. but not love. I can not control her. No matter how hard I try I can not make her love me .. or not love me. The collar had nothing to do with it. As powerful and all consuming as we men like to believe we are .. there is one thing we can never grasp in our hands. The love of a woman. It either is .. or it is not. And good luck trying to force it one way or the other.

I could throw her back. It would not change her love. I could never speak to her again. It would not change her love. I could humiliate and ridicule her .. I could tear her apart as a person and destroy everything about her .. but I could not change her love. I could kill her .. send her ashes to the Sky and still ... all the things I could do .. whether I ended up with her in my arms or not ... there is nothing I could do or not do to change love. Not real love. Not unconditional love.

I realized Cana was wrong and right at the same time. She was right .. that I can not control love. I can not force a woman to love me. But she was wrong .. wrong in that the collar can not destroy or create love any more than I can. You see ... I do not think there is force or power on these plains or in the Sky that can control a woman's love. Something terribly and awfully secure in that.

No.. Not That ... Take anyone but Her

2008-01-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it was just the pressure in my head. The stationary panic coupled with all the other bits scratching on the inside of my skull. Enough to drive a saner man than I over the edge. So I suppose I can not be surprised at the edge I find myself .. clinging to.

Seeking the company of others .. in the hopes to drown out the million and one voices screaming for me to do something .. anything. My head hurts .. probably because of the tension in the muscle of my jaw. Wound tight and I can not relax. A simple conversation really .. is all I needed. Please do not ply me with Stupidity today ... not today. Anything .. anytime ... but today.

It was quiet at the fires. Idle conversations. How are you .. I am fine. How are the bosk .. they are fat and lazy. How are the axles .. they are greasy. How are the quiva .. sharp enough to shave with. I was waxing obnoxious. Perhaps that is why everyone let me slip into my thought coma. They could feel it seeping out of me and had no idea what to do with it. Everything was a little funny .. in a hazy kind of way. Good thing I did not start giggling like a little girl .. they would have staked me out on the grass and brought a Spex to free my inner daemon.

They could sure try.

But of course none of that happened and I was left alone to stare into the emptiness of my bowl. Huge mistake on my part. I drifted like the vestiges of steam from the sides.

The first hint of the blade was at the corner of my forehead. I tensed .. but could not move. I felt the razor sharp action as it drug itself back over my head. The heavy thick strands of my hair falling down my arm to coil like black snakes .. writhing and hissing around me. I still could not move.

Slowly I became aware that .. it was no one doing this to me .. but it was me .. myself.

I have made no secret about my hair or what it means. I have no need to explain to you any more than I have this part of the vision or why it disturbed me so deeply.

The rest of it was spun all around someone else ... and I dare not repeat it for the simple fear that by doing so I might lend some credence to the thing. In some way give it value and substance. I can not take the chance that in some careless repetition .. I might in any way make it more real.

It would kill me if it were real. Kill me in the same way that shaving my head would take a part of me that could never be returned. I miss her so much. So much. If only she were here now .. to help me. To save me from what I have witnessed. Like a bad dream I want to wake up and realize she is right there .. with me. But she is never here when I need her.

It does not stop me wishing that she would be.

To stop the vision I threw the bowl into the fire .. scattering ash and sparks everywhere. I tried to see those there .. if only one of them could have pulled me back into reality away from the vision .. but I could not focus. I could not see them clearly nor reach for any one of them. I scrambled back and ran .. the shapes still shifting before my eyes even as I attempted to get away.

To be blind is a terrible feeling .. to still see the horrific deeds I had done in my vision replaying themselves over and over before my eyes ... was worse.

I know blue left the fires behind me .. in her attempt to heel. I know it was because she cared .. but she is not learned enough. She has not realized enough yet ... there is no way she could help me through this. It would destroy her. I lost her. It was easy enough. Her focus is still her .. and only a completely selfless person could have withstood the force of what was going on inside of me. But I did notice .. and I was pleased. The desire to help me .. though without the capability ... was still appreciated.

What Do You Want .. From Me?

2008-01-21T10:33:00.000-08:00

I had a lot on my mind. For understatements that takes first prize.

I came to the First Fires seeking distraction.

Arigh asked me if something was troubling me. I told her a lot of things were on my mind. She asked if I wanted to talk about it .. but before I could answer her she told me she had looked for my kite but could not find it. I told her .. I had.

She told me she was confused. I asked her about what? She told me of a conversation she had with Saresh. The kind where they really talked. That he apologized to her. I asked her if things were better .. patched up ... between them.

I know a lot of water went under that bridge from what Arigh had told me in the last few months. I know she was pretty upset about it all so when she said they were on better ground I was pleased.

But ... she said ... that she could forgive him but she was not sure she could trust him. I told her trust was not built on apologies but .. that in time it would come back based on actions.

Ina and blue and a few other joined the fires. Blue seems to have pissed Arigh off to a degree that caused me to tell the slave she was forbidden to serve Arigh until I gave her leave to do so. I do not know what blue did .. right now I do not care. If it is something for me to correct Arigh will make that clear to me. Otherwise I will just keep the two of them apart for a while. I certainly do not have the energy to deal with their tiff right now.

Now somewhere in there Saresh came to the fires .. he tested out his new bola on blue and then brought it to me as a gift ... a gift to pay for taking care of Arigh while he was ... taking care of a few things. This was very odd to me .. what was odder is that he asked for Arigh back. Now I am not unaware that Mayala is missing .. and presumed to be gone for good so I asked Saresh whether he was asking for Arigh back as a mate or as a ward. He said he wished to be her guardian. I was pleased by that .. I was pleased he was not seeking a mate yet before things with Mayala were put to some kind of rest. Now as we were talking Arigh was bubbling over like a boiling pot .. which I ignored because it was an interruption to a conversation among men. But I told Saresh that I had absolutely no problem with him being Arigh's guardian but that the two of them needed to be on the same step about it and it appeared they were not.

Now they went off to talk and when Arigh returned she wanted more than anything to talk to me about it. But I did not want to talk about it. I wanted the two of them to figure this shit out between them. I did not want to be involved. Even a little bit. At all. Ever.

Why could she not just respect that? Why did she spend all morning asking me what I wanted and needed only to ignore the one little tiny simple thing I asked of her?

But no .. Arigh nagged at me until I finally let her speak to me aside from the fires. It was that or she was going to get the brunt of everything in my head busting loose all over her and .. well ... I have yet to do that to any free woman. So I strode off aside from the fires and set my shoulders to the great rear wheel of the wagon ... hooking the heel of my boot on a low rung and crossing my arms over my chest.

She was near tears .. which was an irritation in itself ... and told me that Saresh had convinced her that his reputation depended on her giving him another chance. How true that was I have no idea but that is what Arigh thought and since I was dealing with Arigh that is pretty much all I had to go on. So she was in a panic about "what ifs" and I told her I had no answers for her "what ifs". Then she got very quiet which made me want to pluck her eyeballs out and spread them like jelly all over the grass with my heel.

I asked her ... what do you want from me?

I know she had no idea how on edge I was and how far she was shoving me over it.

She asked me what I would do. I told her I was not a female. She asked what I would tell a female I cared about? I nearly strangled her. I replied that I would not tell a female I cared about what to do. It is about Arigh's future .. about what Arigh wants ... not what Fonce wants.

She said she could not trust him yet.

Sounded to me like she made up her mind all ready.

I told her what Saresh does is up to Saresh. Saresh will make decisions about his life and it was not all about Arigh. That this was her future .. not Saresh's not mine .. Arigh's. That she needed to give a fuck about her own future and either she wanted this .. trusted him ... or she needed time.

She said thank you Fonce.

Then she asked if I would be there when she told him her decision.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

No Arigh .. I will not. This is something you and Saresh need to work out and it has not one shredded bit to do with me.

I needed air .. space. She did too. So we parted.

I know she is at an edge .. that kind of edge where the next decision makes a big difference in her life and I know that is not easy but .. damn. This was not the distraction I had been looking for.

I hope the two of them can work this out.

Without me.

Blind .. Deaf ... And Chained

2008-01-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

... to my own inability.

Do you ever get the idea that .. it has all happened before? And the terrible awful thing you know for a fact is going to happen will happen no matter what you do or say to stop it? Because if you even try .. that act itself will be the exact thing needed to ensure that it does happen exactly like you know it will?

Yeah .. that is where I was at.

It is a kind of .. stationary panic. The kind of panic where you just do not move. Because moving could be the worst thing you could do. So you just stop and think. Well ... the thinking comes after you run around inside yourself screaming their air out of your lungs.

Stationary Panic. The concept nails it for me. Fear was crawling out of my chest through that tiny slit over my heart and I wanted to run like my legs have never run before .. to DO something ... anything .... to make it all right. But .. run where? Do what? Anything I might do could be the key that set all the events that lurked ominously over my shoulder into full force ahead and I would not be able to catch them. Like dust in the wind.

So after I had a complete melt down .. all inside of myself. The idea was to stop ... drop .... and think. I got the stop and drop part down but the thinking just was not happening yet for me. Every time I started to think I started running around in circles again.

I felt like all the answers were right there .. so close to my reach. But I was blind deaf and chained to my own inability to the point I could not begin to grasp them. I had that strange panic feeling that I was all stripped down and exposed with my guts hanging out of my stomach and I was so busy trying to pick them up off the ground .. dirt rocks .. grass and all to stuff them back in .... that I was missing the fact I was naked and exposed.

The best place to have a stationary panic is in the middle of a group of people. Why? Because you are not going to act like an idiot on purpose .. so you have to just be all right and think about what they are all saying to you and you do not run off to do all the things that you want to do but that you are rather sure are going to make the rest of your life a horrific nightmare.

Stationary Panic. Do nothing. Do not even think too hard about it. Just ... hold ... still. Do not .. even ... breathe.

Tal Tuchuk .. so how is everyone today?

Not Ready to Save .. Even One?

2008-01-20T10:31:00.000-08:00

I was stomping through and around the kaiila pens with what was left of my kite .. scaring all the beasts from one end to the other with a rushing thunder of paws. Served them right .. stupid animals.

Then I saw Cana working on a saddle and I made my way over to her. She was excited to see my kite .. asked me if I thought it could be repaired and I told her I hoped so.

I told her I freed bell. She said she knew and was happy about it. That relieved me for though I was sure she would be ... I could not be sure until she confirmed it. She saw my relief and imagined that not all were happy about the decision and I told her .. fact was that not one person seemed to be unhappy about it. At least not to me. In fact everyone seemed to find it completely natural.

Now Cana is someone whose opinion I take as important to me. She has been my friend and has shown me in many ways she cares about me as a friend. So I asked her what she thought about slaves. The question had been spinning around in my head for days now. Between be-Leonette and T'zuri I was all mixed up and inside out about some things. I asked her what she saw as the purpose of a slave.

She said she had not thought much about it passed the idea they are there to serve. She said she thought she would make a poor one. I asked her why. Not because I did not have my own thoughts on why .. but because I wanted hers.

She said she was stubborn and did not feel it in her heart to be that subservient.. which made sense to me.

I asked her if she meant that she did not feel that way to everyone .. or if she had ever felt that way with one person. She said she felt that way .. somewhat ... with Tayco. But that it was out of love.

So I asked her .. is that why bell was submissive to some but free to most? Even in the collar.

She said she believed so .. that bell had not ever appeared even to her as a slave but as a woman. She said that bell loves me.

I let that last statement go. I do not know what to believe with that .. I have too much in the way there.

So I asked Cana .. her opinion ... whether bell would have survived my collar or if she was meant to be free in her love ... more as a mate to someone.

She said she did not think bell would have survived. She would have faltered and lost something of herself. But her next words took me back some. It was not because bell needed to be free in her love .. her reasoning was based on the fact she did not believe I was ready to accept the responsibility of unconditional love. That statement blew my brain in many different directions but before I took any of them I asked her to explain it. What she meant by that.

She said before a person can love .. they have to love and understand themselves and it seemed to her I had not reached that point. She said I hold back.

I asked her .. if she thought bell offered me unconditional love.

She said she did not know enough to say .. but that bell was convinced that she did offer me unconditional love.

I asked her if she thought I would destroy any woman I took as a personal slave. She told me to answer a question for her ... why had I released bell from my collar back to being a camp slave?

I answered her .. because that is what bell wanted. She asked me if I had asked bell at the time why? Well of course I had. Bell told me I was not her destiny .. that I had been a mistake. That her path was the boy .. to save him from what she no longer could save me from.

She asked me .. did I not think that perhaps that was her destiny at the time because I was not ready to accept the kind of love she was offering to me? I said of course I had .. had I not let her go? I had not punished her for it. She asked me if it bothered me to do so. I answered her that it hurt to hear I was a mistake. That none of it meant anything. I told her I begrudged the boy nothing .. if she could keep him from turning into someone like me ... why would I stop that from happening?

Cana said she did not consider me a mistake .. nor that there was anything wrong with me. But in the face of her other words these made no dent in what I was feeling at the time. Everything she was saying was convincing me I had made a terrible ... terrible mistake. A lot of them .. actually. Go figure .. me making mistakes when it came to women. Not a big stretch of the imagination. If there was not something horrifically wrong with me .. why then was the one thing in the world that had no conditions ... not mine to have?

She told me of her and Tayco .. of their love story. I asked her if she ever would have submitted to Tayco .. if that is something he wanted. She said no .. that no one can ever force another person to love. That the collar took that choice away. That shocked me. I asked her .. what if a woman loved before the collar? Would that be all right then? Would that be safe? She said for a woman like herself it would destroy her .. no matter how much love was there at first.

ah fuck

I Got the World .. On a String?

2008-01-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

If it were not for the bosk ..and the work that I do as a herdsman and as a warrior ... I would go insane. A man just has to have things he is good at to counter balance all the shit he is not so good at. I am not so good at relationships .. at people.

So when I saw Sahli coming to the fires with some kind of yellow powder I asked him what it was. He said he was making dye for a kite. I wanted to know what a kite was .. when he explained it I knew exactly what a kite was. I had seen them .. though I had never been able to have one .. or fly one even as a boy. I wanted one more than anything at that moment. And I wanted it .. right then.

Both Leonette and Falon said they would help me make my own .. which is all right but I wanted a really good one and that meant I wanted Sahli to make me one. A good one .. one of the best. I did not want one that showed I did not know how to make one. Sahli said he would make me one .. then went off towards the stream. I could not wait any longer .. I wanted it so bad. So I took off after him.

Must have missed him .. somewhere in the wagons because I never found him at the stream. But later we met up at the fires again and he had blue bring me a huge yellow kite. With a tail. And it had a woman painted on it.

I am jealous .. jealous that I do not know how to fly it right yet. Jealous of Sahli's ability with the kites. But I am way more jacked up and excited about having my own. I was going to figure it all out and be fantastic at it. But there was no way in hell anyone was going to see my first attempts.

So I took the kite out on the plains. Someone should have warned me .. told me how it was because it went all wrong. First I could not seem to get the kite and the wind to communicate with each other at all. And then when they did .. they did it all without me.

I hunted all over for that kite. I felt stood up and broken hearted. I saw Arigh and blue by the stream and I do not even remember what we talked about. I know I was all sour. I left to keep looking for my kite. It had to be out there somewhere.

I found it though ... it was stuck on Kai's fang. His good one .. not his broken one. Now how he got a hold of it I will never know but Kai figured he had the best toy a kaiila ever found. Damn beast. I convinced him otherwise but by the time I got it away from him and stomped off it was in pretty bad shape.

I wonder if I can fix it. Well I know one more thing I am not so good at.

Aw How Cute It Is .. When It Sleeps

2008-01-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

It was late as I returned to my wagon. I usually did not come to my wagon before riding out on patrol. It felt odd. Odd to return ... odd knowing someone was there now. Inside. Someone I knew waited for me. It has been a long time.

Someone whose world I had just changed drastically.

Me? Change her world? What about mine? Things were going to be different ... not that I had not owned slaves before ... but she was all ready turning things inside out. I had a feeling my life was changing in ways I had never ever considered possible before. Or if possible .. that I would like it.

Some of it I did not like. For example .. there were three women that let me know they wanted to be with me. Told me they loved me. And though I am not ready for a mate yet .. I do think of having one ... eventually. T'zuri took some of that vision away from me. Some of my thoughts regarding T'zuri have been taken away from me. Trimmed .. narrowed in scope. Thoughts with children in them .. heirs. Thoughts of things I would do with a free woman that I will never do with a slave. I am not always happy about choices being taken from me. I want children. I want a mate. I will have them and if not with T'zuri .. with someone.

However .. I can not deny that I am pleased that there is someone there .. for me ... now. In a way I can handle it. In a way I am ready for. In a way I can allow. Within the safety zone of my paranoia with women. There is a piece of me that reaches out to her for what she is willing to do for me .. to get close to me ... to know me. That kind of drive must be appreciated.

That kind of unconditional love must be considered ... valued. The chance to believe it exists. And though I see her a little as a fish who insists on jumping out of the water at my feet .. I have grasped her in my hands and run for the water barrel to see if I can keep her alive.

She had touched my heart. When? When she submitted? When I tasted her lips? When she understood about my weaknesses and needs? When she rolled in my furs like she belonged there? Naked .. beautiful. No .. no actually the moment she touched my heart was when I went to make the fire and she came next to me and added pieces. No words.. no begging to do it for me or telling me she was going to help me. No making a show of it .. just ... doing it. With me. Not for me. Like she belonged .. like she knew.

Like I was not alone.

That moment still caught in my throat and made it hard to swallow.

I was quiet as I toed up the steps. She was sleeping. As if the emotional drain she had been under was just too much .. and the ahn after ahn she had been left alone had finally weighted her eyelids. How peaceful she was ... no one would ever believe what a jit she was and how she was making such a mess out of my life. And oddly enough .. I would not have changed it.

Figures.

I did not wake her.. I would not have known what to say. I had so many thoughts about the unknowns. I do not know how to speak very well of the unknowns. I left before she woke and I stopped to speak to Oren for a few moments. Oren looked like she wanted to say a lot more to me than she did. But she left it off for another time and told me she would look after her for me.

I wonder how she will handle all my absences. Will it still be all right as my slave as it was when she was free? Does she expect this to change me? My time? My duties? How much like a woman that would be. I hope in that way she is not like a woman. I hope in that way she is still like T'zuri.

I carried with me the picture of her sleeping on my furs. Somehow I am quite sure it is the calm before the storm.

Fonce ..

2008-01-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

I was at my Clan fires. Odd for me .. but it happens once in a while. Usually when I am easy with the idea that I will be avoiding most of the Elders and their questions. Questions I do not have answers for yet.

I was sitting at the fire alone .. with an egg in my fingers ... turning it slowly in the light from the coals .... when Tarra happened by and stopped to talk to me. We spoke of many things .. of Saresh and Mayala for one. It is not an easy subject for me .. Mayala asked me for help and I sent her back to Saresh.

I can not say I could have made any other decision but .. I am still haunted by it. When someone asks you for help .. and you do not give it ... when they are lost .... how responsible are you? I do not know .. despite the fact that there is not much that I could do. It still haunts me.

She asked me about me. Not something people do. At least in regards to my Clan and what I do as a Haruspex. I told her I was the last in my family's line of Dream walkers. I am a Dreamer. My success at being such is up for question still .. but that is who I am. The rest? I have not been able to do since .. De.. well since her. That I have not spoken of with anyone.

I just can not go back there .. yet. I can not face my failure ... yet. Not until I understand it some. Perhaps someday someone will allow me to go there with them .. and I will get passed this. But until then I .. just can not.

That part of my ability is as frozen as her fingers.

Tarra asked what I would want from someone if I could have anything I wanted. I told her .. understanding. I seem to be having that conversation more lately than I ever have before in my life. People asking me what I want. On one hand it is not that much to ask .. and on the other it seems to be like asking for one of the moons.

My conversation with Tarra was interrupted .. I had to go be Ubar. But the egg was ready .. and for that I was pleased.

Master! You Have to Help ..

2008-01-16T11:09:00.000-08:00

Blue .. confuses me sometimes. Sometimes she seems to get it. Then .. like it all leaks out overnight ... the next time I see her it is gone. I wonder if one of the other slaves in the slave wagon is sucking it out of her brain while she sleeps. I so need to find that slave ... she has got to know her shit by now.

She seems to be such an emotional beast. Highs and lows. She seems to want to be at my feet so badly .. to be near me. But she still has no idea what she wants from me. It is still all about her ... and all about what she wants to serve me with. Now I will let a slave serve me .. and she does. But for the rest of it? She has a lot to figure out.

She needed my attention today .. told me I needed to help someone in the Tribe. I asked her who ... she let me know it was a private sort of conversation. I was all ready a little exasperated with her .. but I would never turn away from one of the Tribe members needing my help so I stepped aside from the fires with her.

She told me that Sahli needed my help desperately. I replied that if that was so I was sure Sahli would let me know. She said no .. he would not ... that he would be too embarrassed.

huh

So. I am supposed to go to him and ask about something that is that embarrassing? Obviously letting him know that someone spoke about this great embarrassing thing with me? And he may not want me to know enough to tell me but I know anyway so surprise here I am to help? You know .. for a slave blue does not know men very well at all.

So I asked her .. masochistic tendency and all ... what could be so important.

Then she told me.

Oh hell no.

Had she lost her little blue brain? Had she fallen off the edge of sanity? Was she aware of the gender of the person she was speaking to .. and then ... on top of that. It was me.

Oh hell no.

I told her if a guy wanted a guy to help him with shit like that he better not have me in mind. I do not ... do that. And she better get that through her head right now. Come on .. if Sahli told her I just imagine he shared it with HER for a reason. And if blue could not handle it .. I just imagine raven or sleen would be more than happy to sooth a little around the edges.

Well that twisted her chatka all up and she got pissed. So ... blue is a competitive little bitch I see. Good ... either she needed to get it done or she needed to step aside for someone who could and would.

At least I saw something more than pining out of blue. At least I saw her get possessive over her service to Sahli. She showed a spark of life that made her camp collar glisten a little.

However blue copped an attitude with me .. which was a mistake and I dismissed her to have her little temper somewhere else. That is a bit of blue I find tedious and irritating.

Blue needs to consider the feelings of others a little .. before she speaks. Sometimes in her hurry to help or serve she misses the big picture of how her words can sound and feel when she has not put enough thought into them. Unfortunately people do not know how to tell her this and they end up shaking their fingers at her for obvious and erroneous reasons that just give her the idea they are narrow minded and jealous ... and so she dismisses their thoughts as ludicrous and without value. There are ways of getting what you need done .. without barging through to the goal. Finesse .. I think if I could teach blue one thing ... it would be finesse.

Oh Baby .. How Does Your Garden Grow?

2008-01-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

I am not an easy man. I am not full of niceties that feed and nurture a woman's inner seed of growth. I forget things on a regular basis. Get consumed with events and problems that enrage my thought processes and make a woman feel as if she is not there ... in it with me.

I do not allow women to stand beside me in my trials. I never have. That is not where a woman belongs. She belongs in a safe place .. away from the battle. I do not need to worry about her safety in the middle of all I am trying to do. I have time and energy for one .. that would be me. If I am to survive it .. I need to know she is somewhere taken care of. I do not go to war with women at my side. If she shows up .. chances are I am going to take her bodily and throw her somewhere to get her out of the fray. And take that as literally or figuratively as you please.

I am a man of temper. Frustrations that are taller than I am. Bigger than I am ... and sometimes they take control of me believing that they keep me safe. Believing that they defend me. When in truth they usually destroy. Which is the purpose of a weapon I suppose.

The closer you get to me .. the worse that is. Logical. The increased potential for hurt gets you up close and personal to the defense system. Raven has tasted this a little. She usually gets very good and very gone fast. Bell? Bell got a good swallow of my temper. Once more I destroyed someone close to me. Enough she asked to be released from me. How can I refuse someone that space? I have trouble being close to me... I can only imagine someone else.

Bell has been the one woman to get the closest to me. Is it any wonder I kept my eye on her? I have seen her doing well. Thriving. Growing. Yet I have seen something in her that I saw the first day I freed her.

So when she came to speak to me .. when she gave me her thoughts ... I simply asked her if she found it within her to be free. The feelings and emotions she gave me on the subject centered mostly around me. Something I tune out from her now .. to an extent. Something I do not completely believe from her at this point. Time will reveal more to me .. allow me to learn again. But for now I am too angry.

I kissed her before I took her collar off. I do not know if it was a kiss of goodbye or a kiss of hello. Bell ... or I should say ... Leonette .. has been and is on her own path. A path that takes her away from me. I do not know where this path leads or if it will return ... I do not know if it is me that has driven her away or if it is simply the nature of the path itself that she must follow.

I seem to have been needed by the Fates here and there to lend my power to further this path. Such as now .. giving a slave freedom. Something I am not known for. And each step away from me seems to add the breath to her wings. I do not know what that means .. there is a wall of red hot anger between us .. between me and my thoughts of her .. my belief in her. It is no longer physical in its manifestations ... but it is still there. Perhaps she can reach me better from the safety of her freed position.

What I do know is that it looks good on her. This freedom. What I do know is that those who care about her have accepted this like it always was there. Which makes me feel comfortable that I made the right decision for her best interests. For her well being. And the future will just have to take care of itself.

And Boots

2008-01-15T10:28:00.000-08:00

Now .. I had this naked woman. Well naked all except for those black little boots I had given her. So you would think .. Fonce plus Naked equals ... yeah but you would be wrong.

You see .. I do not lack for sex. I have sex whenever I want sex. And though I was all in appreciation of the naked girl parts all over my furs and up close and personal on me ... I had this list of things I wanted to say first.

You see .. all these years of my life I have been bottling it all up and had no one to tell it all to and here she was ... so I started telling. And like most things when it sits that long it did not come out all ordered and arranged as it should be.

Circled all around on itself some and probably did not make sense all the time but it sure felt good to say some of it .. finally. And there is so much more. So much more I need to tell her. So many little things all lining up to get a chance to be heard.

I am crazy with it. I feel like I have to get her to this point I am at .. all at once ... so she is on the same step with me. But there is twenty some odd years to go over and some really intense experiences to share and I am trying to cram them all into this little time period and it is not working.

And I am afraid to touch her. I am afraid to break her. Like ... if I do she might just dissolve and disappear. Like my dreams. Crumble away between my fingers and be lost on the wind. I want her to be all right. Safe. Here .. in my wagon. All my things. What if she wants her things in here?

Good Sky .. not that.

So I just stare at her .. so beautiful on my furs ... I know she is talking but I am not listening ... but I could just look at her forever .... in her little boots.

Little Boots. Yeah .. it works.

Rhythm

2008-01-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

And with the rhyme all metered and in place the rhythm took over and that is when all the rules went right out the flap.

I never bound her wrists .. I never put a collar on her neck. All the things that tradition stood there and shook his finger at me about.

But the weird thing was .. that once the structure was in place .. the rules were no longer so necessary. Things slid around inside the exoskeleton without leaking out and making things chaotic and a mess. Oddly enough it worked for me. Just like it was ... just like that.

Not sure how she did that. It sure was not me. I give her all the credit .. I am envious of her belief and love. How with a few simple words and gestures she can smooth it all away and I forget how much I want to kill her dead. You know .. once she gets it. Once I am able to get across to her what is eating me up inside.

And it is not like I have all the answers yet. Or that she does for that matter. But enough answers to take the next step.

So what will it all look like in the end? I have no idea. Everything is all different and new for me. Still within my boundaries .. obeying my lines ... but other than that? It is blowing all my preconceived perceptions of how it all worked and fit together.

This love thing .. it is a vast new territory with wide open vistas that stretch out to places I have never been before and I am itching and ready to explore it.

I am dancing and I have the rhyme but I am just now figuring out the rhythm and ... I am all right with that.

Rhyme

2008-01-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

I was feeling blue. Melancholy had a hold on me something fierce. Now when that fit gets all up in my space I usually can be found by the stream. Any stream really .. water cools the fire of my soul and body. The sound of it running and tripping on the rocks does my heart good .. it does not take the sadness away .. in fact it gives it music. A twangy sort of free rhythm that dances over the tops of the grass like a zarlit lights easy on the surface of the water. Like being a little drunk .. a little tired .. a little sad ... missing someone awful .. but the memory is sweet enough you do not try to forget too hard. You just roll it all together and .. smoke it.

Not that I was thinking all that while I sat beside the stream with my little bone flute I keep trying to master. In fact .. what was on my thoughts was my mother. I wanted a sweet memory so I could miss her better. Something .. anything ... to make it hurt worse and less at the same time. What was she like? Did she love me? Did she want me? I wished I could tell her I was sorry.

I wish I had known her .. just a little ... just enough to call her momma .. instead of mother. So she was not just the woman who held me for nine months .. all cradled safe in her belly. But who she was without me .. something that was about her. Just her. Something feminine .. and beautiful ... and right.

All this talk of Haruspex .. and seeing and speaking to the dead has brought a lot of things up in my head. Like .. what if? What if I could? I feel everything inside of me get tight and shaky. But I do not do that. I do not go there. But what if I could just see her? Once? Have a memory of what she looked like .. forever.

So with all those blue thoughts and the melancholy fit I was grooving in I was making better rhythm on my thigh with that flute than I was making any kind of melody like most people do with that particular instrument.

Now along came T'zuri and she was sporting a mirrored reflection that had her all limp in the corners like wet paper. And that got us just talking a little and sharing stuff .. except I was having an awful time trying to just talk to her. So I told her so.

I felt like we had all this .. stuff ... between us that was unresolved. And it was eating at me and chewing on my more tender parts. I told her I was sorry for talking a lot of shit .. stuff just milling around in my head and I figured I got her all confused. That I wanted to know who T'zuri was. Without her and me getting T'zuri all confused with other things. What kind of skin she found herself in .. how it felt and looked and what her dreams and desires were .. based on that skin.

She said she did not see the line I saw. I said to me it was pretty big. I asked her what she wanted from me. She said she wanted me to love her.

Great.

I told her .. I was not sure I knew how. She wanted to know if that meant I did not know how to love her because she had not chosen a side of the line. Now I was honest with her when I told her that ... did not matter what side of the line she found herself on ... I still did not know how to love.

I needed her to define herself for me. She offered me love .. but what kind of love. What did it look like .. how did it act. How did it present itself? How did it ask to be noticed?

We talked .. but not much came from it other than .. exasperation and desire to tear her to shreds .. limb from limb.

I demanded to know yet again what she wanted from me. She wanted me to love her. I told her I could not yet. I was not sure if I ever could. So what in the mean time? What about today? Tomorrow? I demanded she be responsible with her love. To stop fucking around with me. She denied that she was .. that she was as tortured with thoughts as I .. and her mother ....

Her mother. Ah fuck. I felt like I had been caught with my hands in the honey jar ... both of them.

But then she she got it. She finally realized what I wanted to know. She told me all the things she wanted. And the pictures she painted with her words were beautiful and good and right. Everything else faded away. It all started to make sense to me then. No more insanity and jumbled up mess. She soothed the savage beast that writhed and snarled for the uncertainty of it all ... she eased the fevered edges of indecision with a real vision I could wrap my thoughts around and hang onto.

And somewhere in there .. she stripped and submitted to me and ... this time I did not say no. This time it was all in a metered rhyme that held all the right syllables and went by all the rules and I understood it too.

She - Sleen

2008-01-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

She was thrown at my boots. A ravished .. raped and beautiful woman. The raping had only brought out the best in her. She was made for it .. built for it .. thrived in it ... and it showed. She glistened with it.

Now .. that is not all women. But when you find it .. you collar it and throw it out there to excel. The use of men made her .. bigger ... better ... more beautiful .. sexy. Like a banquet of delicacies meant for the palette of men. She was the epitome of sexuality. She breathed it .. it rose off her skin like warm honey. Her natural scent was crafted by the Sky to awaken and inspire every primal base instinct that lived from the base of my skull to the base of my spine and we had an entire conversation without words.

The kind of woman to give men dreams and women nightmares.

How she survived free this long I will never know. But she is no longer .. and well ... she is also mine. Bonus. What her father and .. soon to be mate ... found disgusting in her for obvious reasons ... I found delight in. How could I not? She was not my daughter .. she was not my mate. Such sensuality worn all on the outside. Why would you cover that up and pretend it did not exist? Waste. I hate waste.

If there is a position that matches the thought of sexuality at its most primitive level .. I would have to say it is she-sleen. And so that is the name she was given from the start .. whether or not she will earn another is up to her. But right now it fits and .. amuses me at the same time. When you call her .. you should see all the other slaves react.

It so works for me.

Do They Speak to you Fonce?

2008-01-13T08:08:00.000-08:00

Ina asked to speak to me. She asked me if I saw dead people. If they spoke to me. Said she might be going insane or .. she always had been insane and it was just now coming out.

I had to smirk.

Anyway .. I told her the truth. It was not my gig .. I did not look for it like some Spex .. in fact I avoided it like Bazians avoid the plague .. but it had happened to me and usually when I least want it to.

She said she talked to her father many times in the caves.

Caves .. walls ... well there was reason number two why I avoid the caves at all costs. Not only for the walls but .. well ... I am not listening.

So she told me she went riding out on the plains with no thought of returning. I had to study her for a bit ... suicide is a heavy subject. Seeking death either from your hand or another's is self destructive and the redundancy of that statement is staggering while yet retaining enough logic to appeal.

She said the mists parted and she saw Jerus and her grandfather there. I said this was not the first time she had experienced such and she agreed .. having told me of another time as well. She said she seems to have a gift these things. I had to agree .. because well ... she sees them.

She said Jerus told her that the man that keeps calling her in her dreams was never real. That her head was so full of things all piled up that she created him herself. She asked me if that was possible.

I said I did not think so .. but the mind is not something anyone completely understands and perhaps I would learn something different.

She said that Seth figured the man calling to her was Oson .. but she said no .. that was not so. The man was more like me. I tried not to find that offensive. She said she wanted me to know he was still there .. this man calling her away ... but that she was not insane and the man had been placed behind a barrier by the Clan.

Well there was something I did not know .. that the Singers could do that kind of shit. Right on. Weird .. but ... right on.

She said she thought much could be blamed on the fact she had not grieved for Oson. I said .. perhaps ... grief can do strange things to people. She said she missed him .. but was not very sad. I told her perhaps she used up all her sad while he was gone .. and just did not have a lot left.

I told her I did not think she was insane ... I figure she just had some things to work through and that would take some time.

I think I have had more conversations about my Clan with those of the First Fires than I ever have since I returned to them as a freshly scarred boy. But oddly enough they are all about things I do not do. Things that are not a part of me as a Haruspex.

Yes I know some Spex talk to dead people. Some of them .. even seek them out.

But I am still ... not listening.

Warning

2008-01-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

There is a new Haruspex at the Main Fires. Her name is Isu. She is a quiet little thing .. plays with bugs. But .. she brought me a doll. A doll made of grass. And with it came a warning.

Now .. like I am not aware of all the things that are out to get me. From my Clan to assassins. I know all too well .. it comes at me in life and in my dreams. But something got to me.

This doll had a red bloody spot right over his heart. Now that is something that is not common knowledge. Something I have not made obvious or told many of. It made me listen a little more to the warning than I probably would have without it.

Still .. not much I can do with a warning. At least any more than I all ready am. I will not live in fear of death. Any of them. If someone has a different death in mind for me? .. figures. They need to get in line.

Now that wounded little grass heart also made me damned protective of the little guy. He was me .. you see. Of course I was. And he does not like to be poked .. at all. Even a little. Makes him irritable. He likes his space.

Just like me.

A Whole Lot a Talking

2008-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with bell. It was odd in a way .. I do not talk much about being a Haruspex. People forget that is who I am. They think of the what. The "what" I am is the Ubar. Which is all right .. that is what I do at the First Fires. People get to talk to the Ubar .. let him know any concerns .. opinions on prospects .. tell me good job Fonce ... or try to trim my edges a bit with something they are bent out of shape about.

Bell has never really been like the rest with me. Something that I noticed and was the main reason I collared her to my own personal collar. Anyway .. much the same .. she asked me some questions about gifts. I like to talk about myself .. same as anyone else. Just do not do it often.

She has a gift with the kaiila. A gift that others have noticed .. Cana being one of them ... and Cana has been teaching her things to go with that gift. I have seen a lot of improvement in bell since she left my collar. Something I will have to think on more later.

She was speaking to me of that gift ... and asking me if I had it. I told her .. now the following is all my opinions about my Clan and about me. Not anyone else's. Certainly does not go for all Haruspexes. Anyway .. I told her I did not have time to listen to animals. My Clan and my life depends on me listening to more important things .. and shutting out the other. A Haruspex does not make a living here in the Tribe by listening to animals. Of course now that I said that one will show me dead wrong. Which will please me to no end because I like creativity. But .. for me? I do not listen to them. I have to choose.

She asked if I blocked out the noise. Now I told her .. it is not so much noise for me .. like a heartbeat or the beating of a drum. For me it is ... things that fill up the space.

She said everyone had a noise .. a sound ... to her.

It would be nice .. easier ... if everyone had a noise for me. I could tell them all apart and chat easily with each one. But that is not how it works. For me. Never has.

There are times when that space is all filled up and busting out the edges ... and times when there is silence and emptiness. I do not hear voices .. I know they are there. I know the words of past and present .. sometimes even future ... rest just at the edge and were I to step away from my path to either side I would hear them.

But I am not listening.

How Does She .. Do That

2008-01-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

And she said ...

"You've got to give a little, take a little,
And let your poor heart break a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
Before the clouds roll by a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.

As long as there's the two of us,
We've got the world and all its charms.
And when the world is through with us,
We've got each others arms.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
And always have the blues just a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love."

-Keb' Mo'

I do not remember all she said to me while we gazed up at the clouds. I just remember how it all came out in my head. Like she regurgitated a bunch of colored strings and I wove it into a picture of thoughts.

Mostly the reason for that was that I was three sheets to the wind. Soused. Drunk. Blitzed. Stoned. Happy in my chemically induced coma.

I think I got the gist of it down pretty good though. Because .. it was not just that conversation I had to go on to interpret it. I had a bunch of conversations and a bunch of actions that all added up to one thing.

A woman that can take it all .. all of it ... and make it into something that has faith and love and goodness all through it. Like she just has a shit load of the stuff laying around to spare.

Now there was a time I doubted her. When I thought she was just a naive little kid that had not tasted all I had. And of course she had a right to be happy .. she had no reason not to be.

But since I have met T'zuri I have seen the Sky throw some pretty big hunks of misery her way. Some real hardships .. like me for one. And I have seen her stumble a little. Which just makes her more believable to me. I know now she really felt it. Knew that place .. that place where I am stuck at. If she just breezed through it and never let it get to her at all .. seems to me that would not be anything to really take notice of.

That girl lost her way for a bit. Thanks to a little help from her friends. But here she is .. same as before ... crawling up my ass and making me happy despite myself. I do not deserve that. I just do not. But she does it anyway and .. in a way I just can not fault her for. Even when I try .. she just smoothes it all away like I never was such a hard ass on her.

She is not my mother .. shaking he finger at me all fired up with some kind of need to dominate and teach me a lesson. So I do not dig in my heels just to spite her.

She is not my sister .. with some kind of teary plea for me to stop being such a bastard and get some feelings for Sky's sake. So I do not get all frustrated with her tender spirit and nagging at me.

She is not an up tight woman getting all bent out of shape and defending herself against everything I say .. clamping a hand over her mouth in case she gets all diseased from me. She swallows everything I say .. like it means something. Like I know what I am talking about .. only when it comes back out of her mouth it is just missing all that bile and hatred and anger and hurt.

Now I do not have that kind of belief yet. That kind of faith or hope just is not in me. But I see it in her .. and I want to believe. Believe there is a way out of that place I am stuck at. Believe I can get to the place where I do not destroy the things I take into my hands.

Especially her.

Give Me Your .. Last Breath

2008-01-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

And then she was there.

She.

I did not now who she was .. but I still feel like I must give her an identity. For though I do not know .. who she was ... I know she was. I was there.

She was sick. I could tell. It took no Spex to know this .. she moved with it. Breathed with it.

She brushed cool fingers over my brow .. and I felt the first taste of breath in my lungs.

Thank you.

She bathed my bare chest with her long dark hair wet with scented water .. water scented like tiny flowers. Like tiny plains flowers. How clean and simple that. How it eased the weight crushing me.

Thank you.

She watched me breathe. But I still could not move .. or speak. So she stood and slipped free of the soft colored fabric that wrapped around her slender form like a shroud meant to enhance .. not hide what was beneath. Her body was pale and perfect like porcelain. Fragile like a doll. Cool like a soothing plains rain. Her mouth .. nipples and sex were pink .. like a boy's dream. She laid over me .. allowing the heat that raged within me to be soaked up and away from my tortured flesh. Respite. I could feel.. hear ... move.

Thank you.

I rolled away from her .. it was my chance to escape .. to get out ... to use the window .. but a lingering touch of cold fingers on my wrist and hand gave me pause and I turned to look back at her .. and I realized she was dying. Now .. here ... and she begged me not to let her die alone. With panic in my soul and heart I looked around at the walls .. how they kept closing in about me and .. yet ... how could I leave her here like this? After all she had done?

So I crouched beside her .. and she told me a story. A story of mists and time. A story of heroes and salvation. Of hope and of faith. And I let everything she told me bathe my face .. stimulate my scars. And when she was ready .. to go ... she offered me her last breath. And when I took it into me .. inside of me. I could speak.

Thank you.

As the light left her eyes .. and the pink faded from her lips ... the walls melted from around me and I felt the first plains breeze tease my skin and I knew I was home.

Thank you.

Save ..

2008-01-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing to scare me out of apathy .. if there is one thing that can jolt me and infuse me with the stark real painful desire to survive ... it is walls.

Walls.

I hate walls. I hate anything over my head. I hate feeling shut off .. captured ... blind .. deaf and dumb to the sensations happening around me. Now when it happens inside .. it is less startling than when it happens on the outside.

Losing the ability to reason .. to think ... to process thought in any logical manner.

Looking back ... it is interesting that something so much like what I was all ready experiencing could free me. But at the time .. I was not really analyzing it with such a clean and precise scalpel.

When I woke it was to a green-blue haze that played around me in the air like electricity taking shape to dance in front of my eyes .. but it was not. It was light on the walls. White walls. Clean .. white ... walls all around me. I jumped up and turned to run .. but I was surrounded .. up? But no there was a wall there too. I tore at the walls until there was nothing left of my nails but deep bloody wounds at the tips of my fingers. I screamed and yelled until my voice failed me .. until my breath gave way and I imploded into myself .. into my head and I fell back and laid there .. staring at the light that flickered on the walls.

It was only then I became aware of the window .. a window that looked out upon a great expanse of water .. green water. Water with light reflecting off rolling white capped waves and splashing the color all over the walls. I wanted to get to the window .. to escape ... but I was too spent. Too far gone to move or speak.

There were scents .. heavy perfumes. Flowers .. but not like plains flowers .. virgin small and sweet. No I could tell these were weighted blooms of mature sticky experience. There was music. But not music like on the plains. It was music with strings .. slowly tortured into shades of blue. Low off key tones that lulled the eyes to half slits of drugged sad pleasure. There was rain .. I think. Moisture in the air but not the kind of moisture that washed everything clean. It was the kind of moisture that took every sound .. every scent .. every color and gave it focus .. blowing it up bigger than it ever really was. Aging it to a fine .. thick consistency. Like Turian liqueur .. you could leave finger prints in the air.

It all pressed into the room where I was captured .. choking the life out of everything ... out of me.

I wept for my plains flowers .. for my plains music ... for my clean air and the ability to breathe it in without it getting caught in my throat. I wanted music with drums .. music to dance to .. to laugh to. I wanted to live .. I wanted to be alive ... but I was so drowsy .. sleepy ....

someone

save

me

I Take that as a ..

2008-01-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

So cold .. so tired. Drained of even the desire to reflect on being drained. One day sliding into the next without boundaries. In a way it is a moment of reprieve. But it is a stark empty loneliness that numbs my nerve endings. To hear everything and realize it is nothing. Even the echo of my questions lost to the vast space around me.

Am I still me? Am I still here in this nothing? So peaceful it is .. like death. Not the kind of death with skin and bones .. but the empty kind of death where there is simply a hole left. Then .. it is being that hole .. not just experiencing that hole. To experience would lend too much to what is .. not there.

It is hard to explain .. even to myself. I feel no identity. Am I to find my identity only in crisis? In drama? In chaos? That idea unnerves me and creates a terrible disturbing rift in my conscious. Much like a jagged crack in a mirror I am having trouble seeing myself clearly in introspect.

I wonder if there is anything too sad .. too awful ... so incredibly horrific as to shatter the mirror. Make me feel .. something ... anything.

To attempt to view oneself in an impure reflection is a nightmare come alive.

It is gifted sight indeed that can recognize the imposter.

If I feel any urge at all it is temptation to seek that sight. But what right have I to bring another into this? To inject this toxic wasteland of empty clarity into the bloodstream of another Spex? I do not know one strong enough to withstand it. I do not know one I would be willing to sacrifice to the not knowing.

To say I am apathetic still lends more credence than I deserve right now. It gives more of an identity to this lack of everything than I feel I have a right to give. Any word really .. is too much. This vacuum of space itself is sucking even the adjectives away from my lips.

And what scares me the most .. what outlines my thoughts in terrible white light ...

I do not think I care.

And I Saw .. blue

2008-01-04T07:25:00.000-08:00

If there was one person there that did not have a clue .. besides Mayala ... it was blue. Oblivious in an extreme ... is the only thing I can attribute to her without wanting to slit her throat. If she was not oblivious then I hope I never know about it. Her continued existence in this time and place rather depends on it.

In the middle of all this with Mayala .. in the middle of my grip on the reins with my temper ... blue comes and begs me to shave her head. I told her she was the most selfish and self serving slave I knew. And I meant it.

Oh I can tell you many things went through my creative thought process to do to her .. shaving her head was not one of them. But I have never slain an innocent or a person of weak mind and at that moment .. that is how I saw blue. Completely existing out of the reality of what had been going on around her. Could I hate her for her simplicity? No. Could I hate her for her blatant disregard of what I was going through? I have never known blue to get me before .. or to be able to read me or know my emotions or thoughts as some slaves so why would I expect it of her now? No .. I had to put all that away and simply stare at her and wonder why the fuck she wanted her head shaved. But I had no energy to delve into her and find out what maggot chewed on her synapses. It could have been anything from lice to just tired of the blue color .. I had no idea. But the slave begged me for something and I had no reason to deny her other than some passive aggressive misplaced anger .. so shoving that all aside I granted her wish. There was no reason to abuse her for her need even if it was oblivious in its presentation.

I still do not know why blue needed her head shaved so badly. And I have too many other things going on to find the energy to care. I hope she is thankful that I took the time for her to grant her request. And may she in her simplicity never know how close she came to having that blade just a little bit lower.

Toxicity

2008-01-04T07:09:00.000-08:00

I sit here with my fist closed around a gesture. A gesture I have used before to silence the caustic bile filled regurgitation of others. And yet I stay my hand. Why. I do not know.

I know I am angry with it. I am beyond frustrated with her. How could she treat me the way she treated me today .. say the things she did ... after all I have done for her? After all her dirty secrets I kept. After I took a breath and listened to Cana speak on her behalf? What does she owe me?

I want to tear apart everything I built for her .. to keep her safe from her own lewd mistakes. I want to expose her. Why? Because of what she said to me today. Because I want others to know what kind of person stands and accuses me. Because I want to defend myself against accusations that strike at the very foothold of my position as Ubar. But my hand is stayed.

The fight within me intense and my fist is tight. Tight for the want and tighter for the restraint.

I have seen her act out before. But never to this extent. I have seen her vomit her negative waste .. but never to this toxic extent. Can I allow it to continue? What responsibility do I have as Ubar to protect others from it? I have never gagged a woman at my fires. It is my belief that they are free and have a right to spew whatever boskshit they feel. But even I am having trouble with the rank smelling spittle. If it continues I will do something about it .. Mayala may just disappear in the night with nothing but a scream to remind us of her existence.

After all I have done .. how could she? I need to speak to Cana. She is the only one that can reach me right now .. but I am afraid to ... I am too angry and I know myself. I will never allow that to touch Cana .. ever. I have to calm down first.

I have never been this angry and held it in. I am not allowed even a defense to the accusations .. to the lies. Everything in me wants to step up to them .. to explain myself. To ... make someone understand. But to do so would be disaster. There was only one person there who knew where I was at with it. Who knew me enough to know what surged near the surface. The writhing turmoil of my own pulse so near the place in my brain where action is called upon .. violent destructive action. She stood behind me. I wanted to turn it all on her and break her down and make her remember her position and everything she took from me. But it is not her I am angry with .. I will not vent on her simply because I allowed Mayala to stand and deliver her toxicity to me without recompense. I am .. somewhere ... thankful for the understanding. Someone ... someone acknowledged. Someone understood .. even if it was just a little .. what I was just about to do.

Taste the .. Rainbow?

2008-01-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

I was pondering .. digesting .. mulling .... wrestling .. whatever you want to call it .. a following day when Kaioba asked me what was weighing on my mind so heavily.

I told her it was just things in my life I was trying to untangle and understand. She offered me a willing ear if I wanted to talk. That sometimes that helps. I told her it helped if that someone with the listening ear was objective.

There was no malice or spite in my tone .. no bitterness. Simply a statement of fact and logic according to .. me. And I told her she was not that someone.

She asked me how I knew. Well .. I thought that would have been obvious. I reminded her .. she told me.

She said .. yes she had told me of her feelings but that did not stop her from being an objective listener.

Surely she jests.

I informed Kaioba I had yet to meet a woman who could be an objective listener. She got "that look" and told me there were a few of them around. I told her she was full of boskshit. Show me an objective woman and I will show you a woman who cares nothing about the subject matter. And women never talk about something they do not care about .. so by all logic ... it just did not exist.

She said just because she cared about a subject did not mean she could not be objective. I said .. yes it did. That I had tested it more often than she ever had and .. low and behold she was all ready not objective and we had not even started yet.

HA

She was reduced to calling me names ... which I was much more comfortable with than her attempting to be objective.

Now men .. I said ... men can be objective.

She choked on what she was drinking. She asked me .. how men could be objective but not women.

I replied .. women get irritated with our objectivity all the time ... our ability to talk about a subject and not consider your feelings at all. It is a comfort .. I continued ... to sometimes talk to someone who can offer their opinion without giving two bosk chips about it either way. It really would be convenient if for a few moments a woman could think like a man. Some real communication could take place .. and then they could go back to being all female.

She queried .. so women need men for their objectivity and men need women to keep them warm?

And I replied .. I keep warm enough on my own .. thank you ... what I need from a woman is something else entirely. As for what women want from men I have no idea what drives them all and if I did I would be one step closer to untangling my threads.

She asked me .. what I wanted from a woman.

My response .. understanding.

She asked me then .. if I did not feel that I got such from women.

And I said .. of course .... no.

Does this thus mean I am gay? Bound to seek other men to lay with for my own comfort? Singing the praises of men and maligning women in general?

Let it not be so.

As I have so plainly and clearly stated men are selfish ..egotistical and arrogant and there is really only room for one of us in the furs.

When you couple the femininity of a woman with understanding there is no greater force to recon with .. nothing more beautiful .. nothing more giving ... nothing more pleasing or satisfying to a man.

This man anyway.

And that .. is why I do not taste the rainbow.

Could I? .. Can I? Would I? Will I?

2008-01-04T07:07:00.000-08:00

"I am old enough I do not want to make mistakes ... and I am young enough to still believe I can avoid doing so"

-me

There is a saying about heaping coals .. I felt it. Like a bucket of cold water.

Asshole.

I said no.

Savior.

I said no.

My head exploded and came raining back down on me. The realization of how unfair I was being .. how harsh and cruel. The natural consequences of my words displayed here before me in carnage and ... I tried to salvage what I could.

I apologized. How could I not see what I was doing .. again? How could I be so blind to it ... again? Once more destroying everything good around me ... for what? To protect myself? From what? From the very things I was doing to myself?

Control issue from hell.

So I tried to get back control in a more positive way. I tried to scrape it together and put it back. Sew the seams that I had ripped apart .. stuff the stuffing back into some kind of near-like shape. Rubbing furiously the chilled and faint beating .. breathe damn it ... just breathe.

I said no.

It scared the hell out of me. What happened to "I do not know where you fit in my life, T'zuri". What if I clipped her wings and she lost her spirit? I could not sew them back on. This was all going too fast .. what if I made a mistake? What if I chose too soon? I needed to think about it .. I needed to just not make another mistake .. not about this .... not now. If I just had some time .. I could get it right. I could ... not fail.

Here I was tearing her apart and without realizing it ... I was telling her there was only one way she could get close to me. Using it to carve her emotional flesh into decorative puzzle pieces and then throwing them all over the grass like party favors. I would be the monster I was sure I was .. if I accepted this offer. If I did not give her a chance to make the decision about what all she was offering me without that kind of pressure. Without that kind of expectation that I did not really mean to put on her. I would be everything I loathed if I took advantage of her like this .. now.

I would never believe her. I would always wonder if the only reason she offered herself to me so completely .. for my whim and will ... was because of my terrible temper. Out of Fear. Because of the parts of me that I wish to change and make different. I can not allow a life choice to be based on that fleeting monster that comes and goes without my control. Courage .. not fear ... must be the motive of life choices. I am a jealous possessive man .. it will be for me a woman gives her all .. not because of the darkness. Not to the beast .. but to me.

I wanted to just put it back .. like it was. Somehow to make it all right. It was no longer rage that fueled my pulse but panic. Either way it felt like my heart was trying to crawl through that narrow slit in my chest .. stretching it and churning it asunder beneath the wild beating.

Left with two choices that I did not want. Neither one of them was going to be all right. I had raged my war into a corner and I had no way out. I could accept what she offered to me and remake her to fit my whim without knowing what my whim was... or I could crush her further by denial. I could tell her no and destroy her belief in me. Leave her out in the cold wind of uncertainty. Either way was going to hurt like hell .. either way was going to put her on the brink of destruction. But there was one way I could live with and there was one way I could not.

So she gave me everything.

And I said no.

Everything

2008-01-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

Everything.

The word is useless. I can not stand it right now because it is impotent ... it is worthless. Incompetent. I am angry with it for being so pathetic and not worth the syllables it takes to form it on my tongue. I hate it because I need it to express myself and yet I find it falling terribly short of the mark I wish it to reach. And yet I keep using it like some deranged lunatic stuck in an unbreakable cycle of insanity that plays over and over in an inescapable loop.

And that is all very dramatic for saying .. I am frustrated.

I have a terrible temper. It consumes me sometimes. Like plain's fire it rushes over me in white hot heat that sets all my skin ablaze and I find myself saying and doing things so different than what I want. So separate from what ... who I think I am. I attempt not to deny this .. I attempt to make it very clear to people. I come with warnings .. self expressed and I think that is going out of my way really to compensate for this .. this thing I can not control.

I am at war within myself. I rage at myself for needing protection and I rage at the darkness for protecting me when I do not want to be protected. It does about as much good as getting rid of my Ubar's guard. It happens .. not often ... and not without a lot of careful planning and devious plotting. Most of the time I do not have that kind of time available to me.

I was angry at T'zuri and I let loose with her .. yet again. Not physically .. but my tongue can lash and cut just as easily if not more effectively. I was angry at her for being human. For allowing circumstance and time to sweep away at everything. As if she had control of these things. I was angry at her for caring about Kaz .. for begging for his life as if I am nothing but a monster. I am .. but I do not like being faced with it. Not from someone whose opinion matters to me. It hurt .. it was like her voice ... that fear in her eyes .... that panic brought back every face of every person I have ever set my blade to and tortured to death. Every cry and scream for mercy was written all over her face and I died a little inside. That man is supposed to be kept behind the mask. That night I was exposed for who I am and .. I did not like it much.

Was it all written there in my eyes? In the blackness? All the darkness all the pain and torture .. did she know it then? Could she read it like the message of the drums as my blood pounded in my veins and pulsed at my temples ... did she recognize that beast for what it was?

But I said none of this to her.

I tore her down and ripped her apart and did what I do best.

And then .. she gave me everything.

Rhythm of Life

2008-01-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

So the beat went on .. and on. The day unfolded as bright and beautiful as it had begun.

I rode Rocca for the long easy gait of the kaiila soothed my mood and extended it.

I ran into Aiyana and blue near the stream .. blue was chasing Aiyana's yarn balls and Cana soon joined us. She asked me a question that startled me a little. She asked me if it was against the law for Tuchuk to kill other Tuchuk and I turned my full attention on her and affirmed her suspicions that indeed .. it was so. Only by word of the Ubar could death of a Tribe member be brought about. That did not mean it never happened ... what it meant is that anyone who took the life of another Tuchuk had to answer to me for it and the reasons were few and far between for such a deed to go unpunished. She then asked me if it was also bad form to threaten .. now here I chuckled and I told her that bad form or not I was guilty of the expression myself more often than I should be.

She told me of some names she had been called. Names I can not say I could really find a reason for .. though calling someone names usually does not involve careful logical reasoning. Usually the calling of names is an emotional response to something shoving you out of peace and that emotional response does not always make the best of sense. However I told Cana that I did not see the resemblance myself. She was very afraid that her attempt to stand her ground in the face of such had angered someone she cares for very much and I told her that in my experience the man in question had a good head on his shoulders and had never seemed to me the kind of man to judge so hypocritically those around him. But that if she still had doubts .. to ask to speak to him aside ... for a man has pride. Pride in the face of all logic and all emotion and all better sense. To respect that pride was something I myself would have valued .. and I suspect any man would.

The new Drummer prospect came to the fires. The man known as Sahli Luu. Now here is a man that I find rather fascinating. For I can see he views his world completely different than anyone I have ever met before. He appears on the surface to be distracted and mentally incapable of holding a conversation for more than a few moments. However. I think something different myself.. for when I spoke with him he was quite clear and concise despite his random memory searches. I think he hears the world around him in measures and beats. The constant influx of stimuli must be cataloged and understood before it can be presented to his brain for any kind of logical assessment. Though it is not how I see or hear things I can understand it. The man .. essentially ... IS his Clan. With time and training I am sure he will learn to process it all faster. Either that or he will be constantly confused much like myself most of the time. I am honored to have such a talented Drummer at my fires. He is gifted in a way the Clan rarely sees .. years ... in fact before a man so pure of sight and ear is born. A man who lives the messages .. translates them purely. He jump started every Haruspex cell I have .. it was intense. I wonder .. if he will be able to survive with this gift .. or like so many will the gift take him ... all of him.

Another prospect was there. Ba'atar the Singer. There was a challenge given him .. ideas for a song he was to sing at the Fires. But I do not want to hear silly songs. Singers are the keepers of our history .. our lineages and the great stories of our ancestors. Those who came before. This is what I wished to hear. This is what embodies the Clan and this will tell me if the man is someone I want at my fires. Yes I know Singing is all things .. fun and serious. And I know Ba'atar can sing for fun. Now I want to know if he can Sing for his Clan .. our History. So I asked him to Sing of the greatest Ubar .. aside from me ... of course. I want him to research the men of these First Fires. I want him to know them well enough to make his own opinion of the greatest Ubar .. and why he was. And in the Oral Traditions of our people I want him to sing it.

I took blue with me when I left .. let her run her short little legs off next to Rocca before I returned her to the Harigga and the main fires. She needs to think less .. and I can not even believe I am saying that.

The Snack that Smiles Back

2008-01-01T12:25:00.000-08:00

The sex was good. You know .. one of those days where it all just ... worked. It was not meant to be goodbye sex .. though it turned out to be. It was the kind of sex that was good enough that the rest of the day fell into line and you felt in control of it all .. so in control you did not even have to do anything to control it .. it just did it for you. But it did it for you because you were really ... that good.

I do not know if you have to be a guy to understand that .. but I do know that any guy who has been there ... will. I do not know if I will ever outgrow that rush ... I hope not.

Pacu and date have grown close .. and Astar has welcomed the little thing into her wagon with them. I had no idea she would ever be so with a slave but .. leave it to date to be the one to woo them both. I hate to lose her .. but not for any jealousy .. I just really liked having her always there ... always available and I never had to come in to a wagon that felt so empty. It never actually gets that "lived in" feel to it ... but it was not so cold and deserted. Watching the three of them together .. I could not refuse Pacu. He is one of my best friends and Astar looks after me like no one else.

I have been watching the men with their personal slaves around the fires and I have noticed that they do not send them away to serve others as I do with my own. Or as I have in the past. I changed that a little with bell when I had her in my personal collar but .. I am becoming even more convinced now that sharing personally collared slaves is not really necessary. Camp slaves? Well of course .. they are bought/stolen/accepted for the purpose of serving those around my fires. Even to the point of not getting service a lot of times myself. So is it any wonder that I begin to feel the desire for a slave that serves me and me alone? with no need or expectation that I send her to any other feet?

I suppose it may seem odd that I even ponder these things .. but I am learning. I am very young and I have not owned that many slaves myself. Cared for only a couple of them in a way that cut deeper beneath the surface. For me they were always something that I threw out there .. shared .. felt no severe possessive control over .. save their behavior. But watching Pacu with date and .. the other men at the fires with their own personal slaves I begin to wonder if I have missed something. Sacrificed something I need not have.

How could I not listen to my own words as they spilled from my tongue to T'zuri? Things I had never spoken of to any woman .. let alone a free one. For obvious reasons .. I am not out to offend. But they were true things .. things I believed. Though of course she is quick to call them into question .. quick to show me a woman can think much different than a man. I wonder if we will ever agree on anything.

So .. it is a filtering of all these things. The things I have said ... the things she has responded with .... and the things I witness around me. They begin to form into new pieces .. new ways of seeing the world around me and how it all works and fits together. New vistas with new colors.

The sex with date was .. that good. What kind of sex would it have been if I had cultivated .. dug deeper ... connected with her as Pacu has. I can not help but wonder now ... even in my current state of mind .... what have I been missing?

Everything Has a Place

2008-01-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

Kaioba is a beautiful intelligent and spirited Tuchuk woman. I know .. I nearly took her as my mate. But that Kaioba is a different Kaioba than the one I know today. Now that could have some to do with the fact that neither one of us knew each other well enough to be mating .. and that also could have something to do with the fact that many years have passed since that time .. years apart .... and everyone changes .. grows ... moves forward in different ways.

I do not know what experiences and life has happened to Kaioba during those years. And vice versa she has no idea what I have been through or who I am today .. molded and forged by these things.

I am confused how she is so sure .. so confident in what she wants and who she wants. I have become more unsure over the years and the years have only seemed to make her more solid in her feelings.

Her faith is stronger. Mine is lost. Her belief more solid .. mine is empty. I am more convinced today that I can live alone .. my fear of being alone has turned to anger and that anger has cooled and calcified into apathy on the outer edges though the core is still hot and thick. The words "I will be there for you" are paper thin and easily torn and shredded by reality.

What secrets did she learn on this quest for self she has been on? I have never had much patience with such things .. I figure if it is something I need to know I will learn it here .. where I belong doing what I am supposed to be doing. But I can not argue with the fact that she has returned with a purpose and a comfortable idea of what she wants. At least when pushed a little.

She is clear .. like Falon ... with what she wants from me. I have this habit of asking ... you see.

She asked me what I wanted. I told her.

Kaioba has boundaries. So does Falon. These things are good to know for a man. It gives him parameters. Lets him know how his universe works and settles his thoughts. I know for a fact that neither Kaioba or Falon would ever submit. Ever tolerate a collar around their throat. I am not sure .. because Falon got too angry when I asked ... but I think that Falon would even kill herself before such a thing would be accepted by her.

I want this from you Fonce.

I do not want that from you Fonce.

I will offer this ... I will by no means offer that.

Everything has a place ... and everything in its place.

Mourning

2007-12-31T07:40:00.000-08:00

It did not take long for the Sky to let me know how it was going to punish me for my insolence.

Sitting around the Fires and talking to Cana .. Arigh was all withered at her wagon steps. There was something in the air but I still had not quite gotten the gist of it. More concerned with the size of the iron pot it was going to take upside my head to get my attention.

Grin.

So then later .. sitting around the fire some more ... here came T'zuri looking like someone ate her best friend. Well I mean .. a different best friend besides Snooker. And sure enough ... out it came that Kazhuye was dead. Taken to the Sky by a giant strike of lightning.

Figures.

Leave it to the Sky to hit me right where it hurt the most.

Fucking figures.

Convenient? No .. not bloody convenient at all. In fact it ruined everything. It was a completely selfish .. self centered ... self absorbed moment and I was rolling around in it getting covered from head to toe.

Did I feel sorry for Kazhuye? No. I was irritated with him. He disrespected everything the First Fires are about and then blew it all off like it did not matter. Any warrior that could not figure out how to obey an Oralu was going to die anyway .. sooner or later. But why could it not be later?

The Sky gave and the Sky took away. But this was personal.

Did I feel sorry for Arigh who seemed to have lost her senses over it? No. The life of a Tuchuk is not soft and gentle with happy endings and warm centers. It is all raw and real and sometimes bad things happen. Other times ... really bad things happen. Did I feel sorry for T'zuri who was also going around moping and sad? No. I found her sadness and grief irritating and it grated on my nerves for it just served to remind me that it was all ruined. All of it. Smashed up and strewn across the plains with no hope of putting it back together.

Well about then I looked a little down in the face too I am sure and if everyone thought I was all broken up about Kazhuye they could just go on thinking so. I was not feeling sorry for anyone but myself and I figured I had enough reasons to right then not to begrudge myself a few introspective pats on the head.

I really needed some sleep .. and I needed to stay out of the Dream War until I could figure out how to stop sabotaging myself with my own temper.

The Salt Lamp

2007-12-29T13:27:00.000-08:00

I have a new toy. I received a gift of thanks from the Salt Hunter's Clan. A salt lamp. I have never had one before. I find them fascinating.

They are carved from a crystal of salt that has been mined. It is hallowed out and polished and a flame of light is set within. It warms the salt and negative ions are released into the air.

As a Haruspex I understand this better than most .. what the basic reality consists of is cleaner .. better smelling air.

Right now .. those Salt Hunters had no clue ... that just really appealed to me and I set it up .. not in my Spex wagon ... but in my own. It added to the orange glow from the coals with more orange that danced and flickered on the leather sides of my wagon.

It was a warm .. inviting color and I was more than pleased with the result. I keep stepping outside the flap ... and inside the flap ... outside the flap .... and inside the flap ... to see if I can smell the difference.

The Element of Fire

2007-12-28T12:37:00.000-08:00

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above that could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air as she started to dance
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands and we sang

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place
You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces
We was spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes
No room left to move in between you and I
We forgot where we were and we lost track of time
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night

-Santana

Do You Know What Vulo Tastes Like?

2007-12-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

And the number of life is ...
three hundred and sixty

It was several moments before I could see again. My eyelids felt burned away and my eyes dried of any ocular jelly. I simply sat by the fire until shapes started to define themselves .. longer still it took for color and textures to fill in.

I was tired. Mentally and physically. And dawn was just starting to break over the horizon. I kicked dirt over the coals despite the fact they had gone out long before. I saddled and rode Kai in through the bosk towards my own wagon. The entire time I contemplated what punishment the Sky would see fit to visit upon me. At the time I did not care.

It would slap me out of the saddle sooner or later.

It was a relief to know the woman and the tem were not lost to me .. as I had believed. I had no more idea what to do with them now .. or how to find them now ... than I had before. But at least finding them was once more a possibility even if I did not have the means yet. Somewhere in there I knew clues existed and I would ponder them of course. Now the fact that the larl was not with the woman or the tem was not lost to me. I just did not know yet what that meant.

As I rode up to my fires at my wagons .. Oren gave me one of those looks. I just shrugged .. figured she was all bent out of shape for the tattered appearance of my jerkin .. but no .. she glared at my wagon .. then at me. And that is when the scent hit me .. hit Kai too ... he was all excited and I had to muscle him under control and take him away to the kaiila pens before I could return and investigate. Yaz seemed all unconcerned ... which made no sense if what I was smelling was real ... and I went up my steps and shoved the flap aside. The sweet copper tang hit me like I ran into a wall. I had to put my hand up over my mouth as I ducked within.

The entire inside of my wagon had been splattered with blood. The walls of leather .. the polished flooring ... the furs and chests. Everything was in its place ... it was just all covered with blood and the warmth of the Central Fire heating up the leather top of my wagon was not helping the aroma any at all.

I almost slipped on the floor as I was stepping within .. my boot sliding in the warmed ichor and I reached out to brace on the taught leather side and my palm came away slick with it.

Three perfectly white vulo perched on the rim of the copper bowl in the center. The ruffled their feathers at me and cooed softly.

Anyone that knows me .. knows me well ... knows about my little issues and I was instantly one hot motherfucking Tuchuk Haruspex. I reached behind me and tied the flap shut and then I went out of myself just a little.

When it was over my wagon was clean .. the smell was gone ... I had calmed down considerably .... and I had three little vulo roasting in my fire bowl.

Riddle Me This

2007-12-28T09:39:00.000-08:00

Where life has no value .. Death has a price
And the number of Death was One hundred and twenty

I was irritated. I sat right down near that fire and I started taking apart the plains around me .. piece by piece. And I kicked around a few of them for good measure.

I felt better for it anyway.

I said the words. Slowly I began to build it back .. blade by blade .. horizon and Sky and blood white kaiila. Rising I strode to him and I swung into the saddle .. taking up my weapons I lifted a scream and I demanded that the Oneiroi show themselves.

Obviously the last time had taught me nothing.

But neither Icelos .. Morpheus ... nor Phantasos appeared to me. I threw my weapons to the ground and thought nothing of cursing the Sky.

But it was not the Sky that responded to my disrespect .. it was Valerie. She strolled on by in my dream and beckoned me to follow.

Figures.

She had done so much for me last time.

But what else could I do? I had no answers .. I had no choice but to follow her on the chance that I might accidentally find one. So I swung down from the beast and I strode after her .. the moment I consented to the deed the plains melted away from me and I was upon the desert .. a dry and wasted land of nothing but shifting burning sand. Not even a breeze to ease the oppressive air that weighted down on every cell of my body. Valerie was gone .. with the plains .... and I was alone. My frame caused my feet to sink deep in the sand with every step making walking an exhaustive chore and I was sweating and gasping after only a little progress.

And then I saw her. The woman. THE woman. Not the woman I thought was the woman. The slave who Beo had killed in the forest. No .. this one was much different .. she resembled the woman of my dreams the one I could never save .. and she sat at the feet of a great Tem. No .. not the tem I had seen destroyed and burnt to ashes in the forest. But a great tem who had lived far beyond his years .. his fruit dripped the blood of wisdom though no leaves decorated his gnarled and twisted branches for there was not enough water here to keep them green and lush. She was beautiful .. but her flesh was dry and cracked by the scorching heat of the desert. How long had she been here? How long could she survive here? Either one of them actually.

She did not seem to notice me .. she was busy with quill and ink .. scratching away on sheets of paper. I was not close enough to see what it was that she wrote .. though every once in a while she would wad a piece up and toss it away from her. The ink she used was the blood of the tem .. and she scratched great sweeping scarlet characters upon the papers. She seemed desperate to write something .. something she could not get correct. One of her eyes had been damaged and listed to the side .. it did not follow the other when she finally glanced up to me as I stood a ways off and watched her.

When her eyes touched my own I forgot why I was there and I reached to save her .. save her from the terrible heat that was slowly taking away every vestige of moisture ... of life ... that remained in her. Only when I reached she melted away from me and as I struggled to get to her I sank further and further into the sand. The burning grains scalding my skin until they filled my mouth .. my nose as I sucked them into my nasal passages .. and finally my eyes. Sand blasting them open and glazing them like globes of glass.

Power of Three

2007-12-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

if not by one
and not by two
but if by three
you call to me

It is habit for me to sleep on the ground with the herd. I suppose one day I will be too old and the ground too hard and cold for me to find pleasure in it. But seeing I have just reached my early twenties I figure I have a couple hundred thousand more nights before that happens. And I intend to enjoy every single one of them.

There is not much snow in the North .. we are too close to the equator .. thus our move for the bosk. Some of the mornings can get frosty though it usually melts off when the Central Fire reaches its peak.

It was one of these frosty mornings .. the hours darkest before the Fire reaches over the horizon to remind us that all is not lost ... that I woke with a light touch over my chest. My eyes snapping open and catching just shadows in the low light from the fire's coals .. not enough to explain the feathery touches. I sat strait up and instinctively brushed my hand and I knew then it was birds .. black birds. Touching my chest I was horrified to find they had torn open my leather jerkin and bandages ... and had been feeding on my chest. My fingers slid in the slick smear of my own blood across the now pock marked muscle of my chest over my heart. What in the hell? Was I now carrion for them to feast upon? Rotten bloated flesh to fall to the tumits and scavengers of the plains? I was alive .. damn it! I jumped to my feet kicking them away and they fled beneath the onslaught .. dark wings flapping wildly as they took to flight away from the outrider's fire. My boot coming in contact with one of them rather solidly .. that brought a nasty grin to twist my mouth.

Snarling and grumbling I set about to repair my bandages and jerkin as best I could until I returned to my wagon .. building up the fire to give me a little light. And what the bloody ... they came back. hovering around the circumference of light. There were three of them. I took great pleasure in the fact one of them was limping rather badly.

I was awake enough now and I realized them for what they were. A message .. an omen ... someone seeking my attention. But damn .. did they have to eat their way into my chest? Probably ... I had been very tired the night before and my sleep was deep ... far deeper than the realm of dreams. Still ...

That was just .. rude.

A Long Way Down

2007-12-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

What is it with women. Are they really that blind .. or are they just so embedded in denial. I think I am rather intelligent .. but I honestly do not believe I am that much more intelligent than everyone else. Despite my arrogant ego. So I actually keep expecting them to ... get it.

When Kazhuye came to the fires and stirred everything up .. he did so this time while I was about five steps from the fire talking to Falon about elements. Now as I made clear to Cana .. those who want respect demand respect and in this case Kam did a little demanding and Kaz let his kaiila take a swipe at him. I was furious. My guards escorted Kaz out of the First Wagons.

T'zuri was there .. said nothing ... until the last when Kam is bleeding to death on the grass and I am being disrespected to the point of insanity and whose name is she crying out for? What man is she begging life for? Certainly was not Kam .. certainly was not me. No it was Kazhuye.

Figures.

I let my temper get the best of me .. was all ready in the process of losing it so walking back upstream to gather it up was just not in my time line of events. At that moment she broke the rules and she was someone else for me. The culmination of what I set out to learn by telling Kaz he had a free path to earn her affections. My suspicions were tied up and handed to me in a pretty package of understanding and I ordered her to her wagons until my word released her.

It was a couple of days before I had the good grace to go and talk to her. I did not want to. Not because I figured she would try to explain herself .. but because I knew she would and I knew all the words she would use and none of them worked. None of them took away what I felt or how I saw it. But my temper finally cooled enough I did not feel I would rip her head off too badly and I went to speak to her.

She had just started using all those words I knew she would .. "just friends" and .. "thought you were going to kill" ... I did ask her when was the last time she saw me kill a Tuchuk. Rather safe in asking that since I knew she had not seen the last time because it involved a mask. And besides by the look of Kam seemed to me Kazhuye was taking care of himself just fine.

I did not want her trying to fit me into that picture .. because I did not fit into the picture that night except as the big bad Ubar killing machine. It was a role I was particularly frustrated with just of late.

But we had no chance to work passed my frustration or my irritation for Arigh came being escorted by an outrider. She looked like a little hell warmed over the next morning and I asked the Outrider what happened. He said .. get this .. he said to me that I should ask Arigh or she might never speak again. The man was obviously not in his right mind speaking to a commander that way let alone the Ubar. I took the hands on approach and told him to get out of my sight. I would deal with him later.

By this time Arigh had collapsed on the ground and began sobbing .. or trying to breathe .. or something and I told T'zuri to take her to her wagon and get her into some furs and I would get a Healer sent back.

I have no idea what Arigh needed to tell T'zuri so badly .. all I know is that as I walked away I heard her scream Kazhuye's name.

Figures.

The Healer kept staring at me as I told her she was needed at Arigh's wagon between chuckles. I guess most people do not seek the Healer Clan's fires while they are laughing so hard. But come on .. the irony just kept oozing out of the pores with both of these women and the timing and circumstance was funny as hell. I do not care who you are.

Elemental Mirror

2007-12-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

What forces and things come to bare upon a person .. man or woman ... to decide what Clan they follow? I have some rather strong opinions myself. These opinions are not placed on any but those I am directly in control of. Such as my mate or my child .. since I have neither of these things I can safely say no one really has a good grasp of my opinions on this matter.

It is advised .. never dictated ... that a man should take a mate from within his own clan. It will add a harmony to things that two different Clans in the same wagon can throw off. It is certainly not impossible to live together without this. And two people from the same Clan are not always the best combination. It is just a tiny straw that coupled with many others can add up to or subtract from peace.

I feel rather strongly about raising my children in my Clan. What if my mate feels the same way .. about her Clan? What will that mean between us? How will we problem solve that? And I certainly can not imagine my child being allowed any other Clan but one of his parent's. Of course I say that and I have never had a child. Nor had my offspring show the talents and gifts of another Clan .. nor faced his own happiness as it rests within my grasp. In other words .. that is how I feel while never having faced the situation. So I do not know.

Falon came to me .. many years ago ... with dreams she had. I suspected then her dreams were more than simply reordering her thoughts of the day. Did she not have the blood of Haruspex within her? I urged her to pursue it. To speak to her mother. To push a little .. for it seemed that Falon while living with dwellers had never gotten the opportunity to choose a Clan.

I do not know what all happened between Falon and Tarra. I do not know why Falon chose the Clan of Healers. I had done what I felt was right and the rest was none of my business.

Falon came to me with another dream. This one was more obvious in content and intent. This time the elements and calling left me with little doubt. Why would she suppress her gifts? Why would her mother not see it? I urged Falon once more to speak to her mother. To ask her to interpret the dream. It is not my place to explain anything to Falon. Not as her friend .. not as a Haruspex ... and not as the Ubar. Perhaps if Falon could find herself within the Elemental Mirror .. perhaps she would feel more comfortable in her own skin and face her Destiny with more confidence in herself and who she is. I do not know if Falon was destined to be a Haruspex or if Falon was destined to be a Healer. What I do know is that Falon needs to find the mirror and take a good look. I hope her mother leads her to it .. if not I will do what I can to get one of the Elders to help Falon find the mirror.

Figures

2007-12-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

There are times I enjoy when I speak to someone and for a few moments I forget that I am the Ubar. For a few moments I forget my name is Fonce .. commander of the greatest people upon the Great Plains. I forget that I am supposed to be mature .. old ... wise despite my youth. I forget that I lost my own childhood and it is uncontrolled .. wandering here somewhere inside of me. For those moments I feel like my childhood and my real age come together like normal. Instead of being two such separate entities.

Someone that does not seek something from me .. but seeks me. Just me. Not the Ubar .. not the Spex ... not the master .. not the cock ... just me. How I feel about things .. what I want ... without taking some kind of personal interest in it.

It is good to relax. To not feel the burden of my responsibilities that weigh upon my shoulders.

Not that I would ever set those things aside .. or want to live without these things for they are all a part of my identity. I am the Ubar .. I am Fonce of the Tuchuk ... I am a wise Commander despite my youth .. I am a Haruspex ... I am a master ... and I am rather partial to my cock.

But appreciating who I am does not take away the pleasure of a few moments where none of it matters.

The simplistic reality of it all is that I really do want to be a good person. I really do want to be a positive influence and force upon things and people around me. I really do not want to be a failure. To constantly struggle with interpersonal relationships and suffer the consequences of being so harsh and unforgiving. I want to believe that all I have ever preached or believed about love really could be true. Despite the fact that I have lost my faith and I am no longer convinced. I do not want to be devastated and disappointed in people when they are weak and afraid. I do not want to be devastated and disappointed with me .. when I prove I am one of them. I want to be different .. I want it to work. I want someone to understand. I want someone to see what I see .. know what I know ... experience what I have .... and then tell me they still believe. Tell me they still want to try. Can they? Will they? Who can stand with me?

Why does the simple attraction to someone who is untainted by it all cause me to want to taint them? Must I drag every star from the Heavens to rest beneath my heel? Must I soil every bright thing just because I want to hold it close to me for a moment? Must I test every good and right principle to see if it is indeed strong enough to withstand truth?

Once you hold such a powerful and destructive weapon as truth .. how do you sheath it? How do you dull it enough to preserve instead of kill?

Why is it that I must burn away the least little lie. Can I not let a few exist so that people can be comfortable around me? Why must I rip and tear them to shreds to reveal the sinew and bone. Let them see things with their lids peeled back to the socket leaving the globe exposed and unable to resist?

Am I so afraid I am really alone? Am I that fearful there is no one who would .. could be me? That I am some freak of the universe .. a product of my environment .. an environment I can never recreate to allow another to visit my thought process?

So much for those moments where I forget who I am.

A Little bit of Soap

2007-12-26T06:17:00.000-08:00

So in between all my laughing and weeping for the sheer amusement of it all .. I had overheard T'zuri use a word with Arigh that had an F a U a C and a K as prominent letters in it. So I asked Cana if she had some really mild soap... without a lot of scents and stuff .. something she might use with Tug. Sure enough she said I could borrow it and went to get me a little jar filled with nice .. clean ... soap.

When T'zuri returned and apologized .. and after we got that little part about how much weight Arigh actually did carry for what she had done .. I told T'zuri to come along with me and we strolled on over to a water barrel. She asked me what the soap was for.

I replied .. your mouth.

She feigned innocence. I told her she still had the F and the U stuck in her teeth. She fumed at me and said she never said that .. I assured her that actually she had .. quite clearly too .. might have been a few others but I did catch that one. Besides she was still sporting the evidence in her teeth.

She asked me if I expected her to actually wash her mouth out with soap. I said yes .. unless she wanted me to see that F and U every time I looked at her pretty little features. Quiet a blemish to be sure .. but if she really wished to be seen that way ....

She quickly assured me she did not. Wise woman.

I handed her the little jar.

She brushed her teeth gagging and gucking and squawking the entire time. I told her .. let me see.

She did.

I informed her that she had gotten the F but the U was still stuck .. right ... there. That she better do it again ... really good this time so we did not have to redo it a third.

She balked about it .. knowing now how bad it was going to be. I told her I would be more than happy to assist. She declined.

The second time was much better .. as if she knew at this point we could sit here all night. Kudos to her she did not puke anything up .. but she sure did a lot of spitting. I said .. let me see again.

She showed me her pearly whites like a good good girl. I was satisfied and told her well done and took back the little jar of soap.

I was not sure if T'zuri would forgive me for that one. I mean .. I gave her choices ... but that does not always count with women.

I called across the fires for her to blow a bubble .. so she blew me a soap bubble kiss.

Now that girl has got some spirit. If she can still dish it out to me after all that? Right the fuck on.

Pussy Gone Wild

2007-12-26T06:09:00.000-08:00

Now .. the slave blue had been at the fires of the Year Keeper for much of our conversation. In fact she ducked her head and almost gave me away at least once by her expressions .. and if doing so would not have given me away ... I would have ripped her head off for it.

I am sure she gave enough away that the man asked of me after I left. I am in no real assumption that my identity will be kept secret for any long length of time. But that does not matter .. much. I still garnered what I wished to know and left him with the idea that he is more than clear to do what he can in regards to T'zuri. No interference on my part .. as long as her safety is not an issue. I will not throw over my responsibilities so carelessly. But they will get locked in a box together and what will come of it ... will come of it.

Like I told the Year Keeper ... he .. I mean I .... really hate loose ends.

Once at the main fires I settled in for a bit of comfort. Blue rejoined not long after. I could not tell by her demeanor if anything had been given away or not. A test for the slave as well. It is easy to obey a spoken word .. we will see how well she obeys an unspoken one.

So anyway all was going relatively well when T'zuri came to the fires sporting a brand new drum and kissed me on the cheek for the gift. Well there was a big snort but it was less for the invasion of my space and more for the fact I had not given it to her. That kiss belonged to someone else ... now the question was .. who?

Then all hell broke loose. Arigh showed up and T'zuri's little hackles stood all up and she bristled like a scared shitless baby sleen. I was so distracted by that amusing fact I did not catch right away what it was all about.

Then she leapt over and just lit into Arigh and Arigh did not even fight back .. just took it. This little giani gone wild. Once more I forgot to figure out what it was about .. it was just too damn interesting to watch.

Then I got it. They were fighting over Kazhuye.

Considering where I had just been and what I had just done? This was funny as hell and I lost myself in laughter. I laughed so hard I tried to puke. Tears ran down my cheeks and I did my best to swipe at them.

I do not care who you are .. that was funny.

Then T'zuri stalks off and Arigh instantly jumps across the fires to sucker punch blue.

I lost it again. Like what the hell? Did she hit her because she could not fight back? Why did she not take that out on T'zuri .. where it belonged. I thought my sides were going to split open and leak intestines out all over the ground. The only part of it that was not amusing was the fact that blue had been in service to Noya at the time.

Well once I got over the uncontrollable laughter I told Arigh she was damn lucky that she had not done such to blue while she was in service to me .. she owed Noya an apology for disrespecting her like that. I also told her that when you meddle in other people's affairs you take a risk of getting your head lopped off.

Well .. the irony of my advice tickled my funny bone again and I lost it all over. I know Arigh thought I was laughing at her .. in a way I was ... but mostly it had to do with that word irony. I told Arigh that if she stood by what she had done to brace T'zuri with it .. if she did not stand by it she should apologize.

Arigh apologized to Noya. Then she stalked off. Without an apology to me. I do understand .. the amount of sniggering I was doing would have made it hard to apologize for anyone .. but I did notice. She still owes me one .. a big one.

I apologized to Noya for the unpleasant time she had at my fires. Noya was undisturbed by any of it. She even mentioned at one point that women scrapping amused men .. it was to be expected .. especially with Fonce.

GRIN

So then T'zuri came back once she had smoothed her feathers and calmed down and she apologized publicly for her display of temper. She still defended herself though and said it was Arigh that hurt Kaz.

Well I disagreed. T'zuri hurt Kaz. Now Arigh may have meddled and caused it to happen in a way that T'zuri felt was out of her control but .. come on. If T'zuri and Kaz were that fragile they needed to go tie themselves safe in their wagons. There would always be people meddling in our affairs .. it was a given of life. That happened. People took some vested interest in your affairs for whatever reason and thought they could improve your options. It rarely worked .. usually you want to strangle the meddler. But it never seemed to stop them from really feeling they could accomplish something. Or ... as in my case .... learn something.

HA

I started laughing again.

I Really hate ... Loose Ends

2007-12-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned I have control issues?

And so it was I decided to hunt down the illusive Year Keeper and see just what was up there. Not only in regards to T'zuri but he never came around the First Fires when I was there. It was time to find out why. It was time to see this man for myself instead of hearing all the little whispers about how big and bad and terrible he was.

I am not a man who will suffer something looming over my shoulder. There were some loose ends with T'zuri and the Year Keeper and I meant to tie them up ... all nice and tight.

It was not hard to follow the shock waves to the epicenter of Kazhuye. Or I should say to his wagons .. the origin of his forays into the Harigga where his effect on people rippled far beyond his physical presence.

The man was not as imposing as people would lead me to believe. And he did not realize I was the Ubar either. Which worked fine for me. I do not look like an Ubar. I do not dress like an Ubar. I do not present myself like an Ubar. I never have.

I told him I had come to speak to him of the Singer known by the name of T'zuri. He said T'zuri was not there. I had to smirk. I told him I knew that .. but I had not come to find her but to speak OF her. He asked me if I was drinking. I said yes .. actually I was.

So we shared a bota of paga.

He said he figured T'zuri for moving up to the First Wagons. Then said should I not be speaking to the girl's guardian.

I said yes .. I was aware she was up at the First Wagons. That I was of a bit of second hand knowledge that he had been spending a lot of time with the Singer. That no I was not of the girl's blood but I did have some rights to ask of her for since her father's death I had taken an interest in her well being.

He said she had been around and that he believed that Necessity .. the kaiila ... had ate her pet.

I nodded and said that despite the challenge to my male perceptions by this dire event .. that it was not in fact the reason I was there. I asked him if he had an interest in the Singer .. enough of an interest to perhaps speak of her bride price.

He asked me what I supposed her guardian was asking?

I said I was in a good position to know however my supposition was not worth the synapse power it took to form if he were not indeed interested in the bride price. That I being the curious fellow I was .. one also interested in her well being ... was finding myself curious as to his intentions towards the Singer.

He said she was a pretty gal and if she did not hate him he might be inclined to .. you know.

But I did not know .. and I wanted to know. So I said interested in .. fucking her?

He grinned at me. Not that .. she is my friend I respect her kind of grin either. But he salvaged himself with an admittance he had actually meant "courting" her.

Ah .. this was interesting indeed. So I asked .. being the bastard I am ... So Kazhuye .. what if I told you that I could provide a clear field to the girl without interference from anyone else who might seek her bride price .. would you be interested?

He answered simply ... yes.

So .. I asked ... how long do you think you might need? I would need an estimation only of course .. considering that even as a Spex I would not presume to jest or assume with matters of the heart.

He said he reckoned as long as it took to find another frevet.

I replied that this far North with all the settlements .. it should not be too hard for a man of proper motivation. I told him he would have the time he would need .. to consider himself the only prospect for the girl's bride price until such a time as it was deemed another course of action was necessary.

He said he figured he would have to get around to speaking to her guardian sooner or later.

The smirk was there in my voice as I prepared to leave and I said .. Kazhuye ... unless you have another reason for speaking to the Ubar ... I would not worry too much about doing that until your interests are secured with the girl.

I hear he is a real prick about loose ends.

Of Everything .. and Nothing

2007-12-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

T'zuri sat with me on my steps. I pondered why I was all right with her there in my space. I guess it is because I do not feel like she wants anything from me that she is not willing to do without if I say no. That when I say no .. she will still like me and want to be around me and not make me sorry for saying no.

Do I know this to be true? Of course not .. it has not been tested. I have not crushed her in my fist and thrown her away from me in a rage beget by frustration and irritation with my own limitations and flaws. This is why I am not sure what I want to do with T'zuri yet or where she will fit into my life ... if at all. I like that she can rest here in my space and neither one of us turn into a freak. Perhaps that is friendship. I honestly do not know yet.

It answers a basic childish need to be accepted unconditionally. It is something I have never had .. something I still do not believe is real. I am just not completely convinced that it is not real either.

She asked me of the wound. Finally. I wondered why her curiosity had not led her there before. She was too afraid to ask I guess. I told her I did it. She was shocked .. understandably so. I mean .. what the fuck ... right? I told her it did not hurt me much .. but it would not heal. Just a thin cut that seeped bright red drops every once in a while. I told her it had something to do with the Clan and some issues I was having with dreams. She understood none of it of course .. but accepted it without pushing me too far to explain it all. Which I would not even if I could. I did tell her that Cana had given me a piece of what I thought would help. A white feather. I just had not figured out how to use it yet.

She said she wanted to kiss it and make it better. I said .. why do you not then? It was not a challenge .. I told her so. I just wanted to know why ... she had given me the freedom to ask ... so I did. Not like anyone ever kissed my booboos. To my surprise she did so.

Well that went strait over a line for me and I had to make her stop. This would dissolve into a place I was not ready for .. well not ready for in a way she would be ready for anyway. I patted myself on the shoulder for being mature and responsible. Actually .. I waxed completely obnoxious and she had to change the subject ... but that is not how I will retell the story.

From there we spoke of everything .. and nothing. She probed why I did not sleep in my wagon much. We talked of slaves and the differences between slaves and free women ... aside from the most obvious jewelry and position. More how I saw the differences. What I expected from each .. even the differences I saw between the slaves we knew of around the First Fires. She acted like no man had allowed her to explore his vision before. Perhaps no man has .. I am rather open about my view and it is there for the asking to anyone who cares to stop and request it. She cared to do so.

I made mention of free women being jealous of slaves. She said she was not.

I struggled a little trying to find an example that would make it clear. This difference and why I felt free women were jealous of slaves. Now .. she understood this was my view .. my opinion ... I am not a free woman and I have no inside track to every female's brain. that would be a bonus .. something I could really use sometimes ... but I digress.

My opinion .. my view of a reason for jealousy ... was that slaves could get much closer to a man than a free woman ever could. Well .. this man. Because a slave knew I would correct her .. give her a chance to get it right. Mold her to my own perfection of what I wanted and expected. Whereas a free woman had no such expectations of me. I would let a free woman get it wrong and she might never know it. Never realize that she could be doing something better when it came to me. It was an allowance that I gave free women that I would not give a slave. A slave was to be and will be molded to my whims and preferences. She will always know whether or not I am pleased. And if not .. she will be given the means to figure it out. That usually comes out as hands on violence .. harsh. On the surface that looked like I liked free women better than slaves. Those that only look on the surface deserved to get it wrong.

She did not like the idea .. I think ... of the fact she could fail and not know it. The idea is not a pretty one. But that is the way it is. The fact remains that I am very harsh on slaves and it is much easier to spend time with me as a free woman. Easier to get to know me because I do not hold them to any kind of expectations.

Ah .. she admitted to me she had been jealous. I focused on that. Asked her why she had been dishonest with me. She said she had not meant to be .. that she had not figured it out herself until later .. I asked her why then she had failed to admit it at that point. She said she did not know ... was that wrong of her? I told her to ask her heart that ... only her heart could answer that question.

She answered that she felt it was indeed wrong. I told her that as a free woman .. to be wrong was something I allowed without action involved. But as a slave I never would have allowed it. I wanted to give her a practical example of what we had spoken of earlier.

I then asked her why she had told me now? Was it because my own display of immaturity had opened the door for her? Surely I could not judge her for a flaw in character I possessed myself? She said yes .. though she still was not sure I would not be angry anyway ... expect better of her.

I told her I had no expectations for her. I simply looked for who she was. I just wanted to know who she was naturally. I did not want her to mold or try to fit somewhere she did not belong. Do all women want to do that?

She said that was crazy liberating. I watched her soul soar with that. At that moment T'zuri was all free woman. Relishing in no expectations .. no pressure. To know I would understand no matter what she did wrong or when she got it right.

Today T'zuri was my friend. I have no idea if T'zuri will be able to deal with anything more excruciating. It is enough that we spent a few ahn with no sense of time merely enjoying a simple conversation about everything and nothing.

Oh Where Oh Where

2007-12-24T08:08:00.000-08:00

T'zuri hit me like a runaway wagon. But it was not a tackle .. it was more of an expiration. Not that I noticed at first .. hit with a female package which melted into my arms like warm butter .. I did the first thing that came naturally .. loosed the mane of hair tangled in my fingers.

Well on my way to making an ass of myself with understandable motivations .. I THEN realized she was weeping.

Oh

Tears .. not good ... sobbing .... even worse. The kiss buried somewhere below my jaw line ... I could be all right with .. wait ..

but this was not about throwing herself at my feet to be subject to whim and fancy.

huh

So this was where I was supposed to pull it together and ask her what was wrong.

sigh

I needed desperately something to do to take my brain off the package so I could concentrate on the reasons the package was in distress so I pulled her over to my steps and had her explain it to me while I threaded a quick braid through her hair .. the precision twists ordered my thoughts ... thank the Sky she did not draw attention to what I was doing or I probably would have pissed down one leg.

Somewhere in the recess of my thoughts I knew I needed to repair what I had undone and at the same time I was wrapping my conscious around a death. Whose death? Who died?

Snooker? Snooker got .. eaten? By Necessity?

Yo .. Necessity? You have a little Snooker on your fang .. right .... there.

Good Sky. I could not help the chuckle .. bastard that I am ... but not so much for the fate of the little critter more so relief that it was only a critter.

I told T'zuri to hang in there .. there was more than one of those little critters hanging around .. the kids even had one ... had seen them with one ... I did not tell her I hoped it was not in fact Snooker I had seen them with. She calmed down .. a little.

I told her I had found some of .. what I realized now ... was Snooker's treasures in my wagon. I told her she could go in there and look for Snooker. I told her it was fine .. I was obviously sitting out here on my steps for the Sky and Oren and Astar to witness. She was compromised in no way .. and the little beast would not come out for me. I hoped she would find him in there .. but there was no sign of him.

"They seek him here, they seek him there.
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in Heaven? - Or he in hell?
That damned illusive Pimpernel."
(from The Scarlet Pimpernel)

I Like my Space

2007-12-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am a bit confused. I am not sure if this is stress over Saresh mating or if it has something to do with the gravitational pull of the moons .. but Arigh is acting all inside out different with me.

Now I have spoken to the woman. I am her guardian. We have talked and visited and all .. but never has she entered my personal space. Well the other night she did not just enter it she crawled all up in it and got my attention.

First she tackled me. Now the only women that tackle me .. well there is only one now and that is Silken. So it was different just because it was ... different. Then she snuggled all up to me and put her hand on my thigh.

What about that is not weird. Honestly. Has she ever even seen the slaves get that free with me at the main fires? Without getting their head severed or sent away? Where did this come from all of the sudden? She never acted like this before. Ever. Did I do something? Did something happen?

I promised her I would reward her quest. She thought I was joking. Aside from dragging her aside and raping her ass .. what was I going to do? I let it slide. Most of it .. save for her hand on my thigh. That needed to stop if she wanted to keep all her clothes on and her neck free of steel.

I have spoken to Arigh a couple of times since then. Given her a more serious warning. She listened .. I think. She told me she had not meant to offend me .. I knew this. It is why I did not punish her. She asked me if it made me uncomfortable. I said yes .. it does.

She asked me if I liked to be chased.

What? I had to have her explain that one. She told me some men like to be chased .. she wondered if I was one ... if she chased me would I run for cover. I asked her why that was something of concern for her.

She said that she did not know me well but she would like to. If she chased me .. would I run.

Well ... I asked her if she did not think she needed a bit more time after Saresh? Last I knew she was pretty busted up about that one. But I told her .. even if Saresh was not in the picture ... which he had been recently enough for me to say that .... that the best thing she could do was be herself. We could not help but get to know each other. That she should not try to fit what I may or may not like but .. just being her it would be obvious if there was going to be a fit. It either would .. or would not.

She asked me why I keep everyone out of my personal space. I told her that was none of her business. She did not know me well enough to ask that yet .. perhaps some day she would. All she needed to know at this point was to respect it. If she wished me to tolerate her at all that is .. which seemed to be a motivation.

She asked me if I had an answer how to break into it without upsetting the balance. Well I had to smirk. Like I would tell her.

No.

But I did validate that by telling her I would not tell her anyway. I told her there was no reason to give her answers to what she needed to do or not do naturally ... thus negating that "fit" or "no fit" thing.

I have seen Arigh only once or twice since then. She is back to being the Arigh I knew before and she has not acted strange again. Since I know how much she liked Saresh and how much she was hurt by that not working out I of course do not take a thing she said to me about me seriously. Time will tell if Arigh will develop any real interest in another man again.

Here is the World ...

2007-12-22T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well. I am sitting here looking at a heart. A heart offered to me by T'zuri .. and as I sit here looking at it clutched in her little hand I wonder what the hell I am going to do with it.

Crazy thing is though she does not mind that I do not know what to do with it. There is some freedom for you. She said I could do anything with it .. anything at all. So I picked the scariest thing I could think of for a free woman to contemplate .. well two actually. What would she do if I mated another free woman? And what would she do if I collared her?

Now I expected all the shock and feigned indignant cheek slapping horror .. I think I planned for it actually. But it did not come. I had to stop and back up because it .. there was something missing. She took it so well. She was willing to talk about anything. View any option without getting all defensive. I was not threatening her .. and she seemed to know it.

She was honest with me .. about her preferences .. her choices and why. I can understand these things. But offered the candy I turned down the chore and explored the "what ifs" while I could. Was she really serious? Was she really that comfortable with her professed love that she would allow me to fit her into my life in any way I chose? Taking any option I thought best? Even slavery?

She was a little surprised .. asking me what she had done to make me talk of a collar. I told her nothing .. nothing at all. Sometimes a man speaks of a collar in regards to a woman because of a desire to possess. Having nothing to do with sexuality .. having nothing to do with punishment. Having everything to do with wanting to wrap her up in a little circle of metal with his name all over it.

Did she understand what it meant to me to even be able to talk about such things with her? And to accept what I had to say with no judgement based on her fears? She did not punish ... take herself away from me just because what I had to say did not always please her. What I had to say was not always nice or flattering. What I had to say was harsh .. real ... degrading on some levels and quite flattering on others. I have heard some say .. ah it would be so easy to do for you Fonce if you would just give me the chance. But I do give the chance .. over and over and it is refused or brushed off or sometimes not even noticed. Sometimes it is made very clear to me that I can not do this.

I told her I was going to kiss her. That it meant nothing more than a kiss. It was the only warning she got. I kissed her .. like I have kissed a thousand women and it was not bad. Not great .. but not bad. I can tell she has not kissed much before. Not that it mattered .. I did not give her much chance to show me anything .... I simply took. And then she one upped me. She returned my rough .. base and primal taste of her with a feminine touch. She stopped what might have turned into a rape .. beyond my control ... and turned it into something else. Something that got the boy's attention and the boy pushed the beast aside for a moment.

She confuses me. I do not know if I want to protect her from me completely and never let her close to me in any way. If I want to protect her as my mate and only let her in so far so that she is treasured and sacred. Untouchable. If I want to strip every cell from her bones and make her my slave and test her love on every level just to see if it is real ... or ... if I actually do not believe a word she says. If I want to grind her beneath my heel for the lies she tells me.

So back to the beginning and the heart. Not just a heart but a world of experience open to me. And though I sit here confused and uncertain about how she will fit into my life ... if at all .... I am able to appreciate the freedom of choice. The definition of love she has laid on the table for me to test to find out just how real it is.

Just Get it .. Over With

2007-12-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

I am so tired of hurting people. I am so tired of my harsh ways entering other people's space in such a way that it disturbs their peace. I wish the Sky would just put me out of everyone's misery .. just get it over with.

I do not mean when I intend to do it .. I mean when I do not. Which is a majority of the time.

If I wanted to torture someone I would put on the mask and do bad things with precise and intricate care. Torture is all about control. This was not about control and thus not about torture. It was loss of control .. something I have a real issue with.

I have such an issue with it in fact that it reaches unhealthy levels at times.

I had just bathed .. was pulling my jerkin on and dealing with my hair when T'zuri brought her laundry down to the stream. When I saw her all the things people had been whispering in my ear about how much time she had been spending with the Year Keeper just bloated and rose in the rank septic recess of my temper.

Now .. it would not have bothered me .. or entered my personal space if the Singer had not made a real point of trying to tell me about her feelings for me and how solid they were. I just have this issue ... good Sky another one? .... with people talking shit. Do not say it if you can not back it up and I meant to find out if she could back it up. But it came out all wrong .. I sounded like some spoiled rotten child who just had his first lance taken away for playing too rough with his sister. Someone needed to smack me and tell me to grow up all ready.

But no one did. Least of all T'zuri. She was patient .. long suffering ... and I think she even started to be amused with me. Stupid bitch.

Did she have to be so nice in the face of me being such a immature fuckhead? If a guy can feel the lash any worse than heaping coals on his head .. it is news to me.

I was out of bounds and I knew it ... and I still could not stop.

It was like a fever in my head .. like someone lit up my brain inside my skull while I was still alive.

Which can be done by the way .. I have done it. Very cool effect .. unless you are the one being lit up.

In my frustration over being harsh .. I was harsh yet again. As if an entire night of real examples of my harshness were not enough I had to go and make some more. Once you are digging yourself into a hole might as well keep digging to the other side. Looking up and wondering if you can reach the bit of light shining down just seems a colossal waste of time. Who knows if you can climb .. I sure as hell know I can dig.

I am such an asshole.

Celebration

2007-12-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

I got word Saresh was back and asking for me. I went to see him .. he looked all done in. He brought a little forest of tem back with him ... even the red bosk. I had to chuckle ... kudos to him.

Now I have a lot of personal opinions about the carelessness with which Saresh and Mayala handled their affair but at no time have I felt so personally insulted that I had any desire to publicly humiliate either one of them .. or make what they were struggling to get right ... wrong.

Both of them could have made some better choices but fuck .. who can not say that? Especially me? I am far .. far from perfect especially when it comes to women. There is a lot of flirting .. kissing ... teasing and such that I have no issue with between unmated men and women. They are adults and not children. But the spending the night in the wagon thing ... I could not pretend I was all right with. Mayala is just very fortunate that it was her intended mate she got it all mixed up with.

When Saresh presented me with the bride price I accepted it enough to seal the deal but then I gave it back to him as a gift. I could not accept the bride price for something I no longer considered tradable but I was also not going to make what he had struggled to do smaller than was necessary. Why?

Because I can.

There are natural consequences and then there is just being destructive. I felt comfortable .. my point had been made. The rest was not important. This was about their moment and their happiness and what they had found together.

And that called for a celebration.

Kassar Spex

2007-12-20T11:02:00.000-08:00

Now .. as if the blanket was not enough to put me over the freak edge some woman came strolling up to the fires and gave blue an order. Who the hell was this? This is the First Fires .. this is my fires ... this is the fires of the Ubar and his family and those he chooses to honor with such a place.

Not only was this woman a Kassar .. but she was a Haruspex. I jumped down from the platform and proceeded to figure out why the hell she was there and feeling so damn comfortable.

Turns out she is a guest of Polunu's. Has been here for hands. I wanted to strangle him at that moment .. well it was a toss up. Strangle Polunu or this Kassar Spex for right about then I was sure I knew why all my plans and everything I had set my hands to for weeks in the Dream War has come to such a disastrous end. Here was the answer .. swaggering in to plop down at my fires and order my slave around. What the fuck.

It is that kind of cheeky attitude that made me suspect that none of the catastrophes of the passed few hands had anything to do with coincidence. Here was a perfect example of what could go wrong sitting right under my nose and I had been oblivious.

I was so furious I could have chewed my tongue off.

Not one person knew it though.

I feel this clamp on my brain like I have never felt before. Pressure points driving into my skull and numbing the cortex. What can be salvaged? What has not been contaminated? Is there any hope of being successful in my quest? Have I learned about this Kassar Spex in time to save it at the last moment? I have a hell of a lot of work to do. Perhaps I have the key now to accomplish something. Was this why I heard my name? Was that some kind of warning? Was the interference .. the cosmic white noise more than just the confusion in my own head?

I can not believe there was a Kassar spex right here .. at my fires ... this entire time. If I was not parnoid before .. I am certainly so now.

Did You Feel .. That?

2007-12-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

As if I needed one more example of what a harsh bastard I can be. Blue was sent to serve .. dismissed from my feet. She had spent most of the day locked beneath my boot in one form or another. A very simple dominant thing to do to another human and it can jump start a lot of thoughts. I was interested to see where this simple act would take blue. Unfortunately it took her back into her narrowed state of mind. I may have to find something else to modify her behavior.

I had given her a directive .. when she finished it she returned to my feet and put herself back into my service. At this point she negated my order and chose whether or not she should be dismissed. Once more she was aggressive in her submission and when others arrived at the fire she did not go and do as I had told her to do. I planted my heel right upside her head.

That night I had to do the same thing to raven. If the slaves lose their brain the moment they are at my feet I am going to have to stop them from getting to my feet. Ever. There is no choice when I give a directive .. there is only to follow it and follow it promptly and precisely. My directives are not that difficult. I keep the reins pretty loose compared to some. I am not about ripping the reins through a nostril .. but I will. There just should not be such a need for that kind of action. Not from a slave who has seen the days of her collaring stretch beyond a year. Some things should be innate at that point. Obedience being the first foundation. And yet I am finding that obedience is second guessed .. or confused with something else of which I am not sure.

There is a spirit that I do not wish to break .. but do not get me wrong ... I will drag it around and kick the shit out of it .. beat it to a bloody pulp if I have to.

Both blue and raven seem to need a heavy hand. That irritates me. When I see them get the basics right .. then I will allow this need they have for something more to be addressed. Until then I hold it from them .. they are both caught on the other side of the stream with no way across until they learn how to swim.

What The ...

2007-12-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

Things had settled down .. some. It was such a busy day at the Fires .. I had set aside the day for some rest ... and I did get some despite the need for mental alertness through most of it.

I was sitting with Cana on the platform of the wagon .. bell came and curled up at my back and I used her to lean on. Falon and Silken got into it again about collars. I stepped in it again without meaning to .. asking a question that was none of my business but out of curiosity and considering it was being drug all about the fires .. I thought to ask. There was no personal insult there .. it was a "what if" question .. hypothetical .... unfortunately Falon was so defensive she ripped my head off for it and I had to apologize for butting in where I did not belong. I will not speak to Falon of such things again. Ever. I assured her of such. I had no idea I would offend her so much or that she was actually that worked up over what Silken was saying. To my knowledge it was obvious Silken was teasing .. and over the line but that was up to Falon to deal with and demand respect on. My question had nothing to do with whether or not Falon secretly wished to be a slave or secretly put on silks. My question was about her hypothetical opinions of suicide. And what warranted it in regards to herself.

I left Falon and Silken to figure it out and I did not enter their conversation again.

By this time Sakmeta brought me a gift. A blanket. She said it had been embroidered by blue .. but it was a gift from her. I spread it out and then stared at it for a long .. long .... long time.

I am not sure which one of them is connected to this Dream War in such a direct way but it freaked me right the fuck out and I probably seemed all pissed off about it. I am not so much pissed as .. not sure what to do with it. I put the blanket in my spex wagon. Seemed a safe place for it to be. I have no idea what this means ... I will think about it later when it does not freeze my synapses up into little sparkling icicles.

Well That is What I saw ...

2007-12-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

When Silken returned with Kam she was sporting a brand new attitude and it was all over the place. She started in on Falon and they got me in the middle. Not that I minded that all so much but I tossed the two of them together much as I had Kai and T'zuri and then Kam and I wagered on the outcome.

Damn but this spar was nothing like Kai and T'zuri. This was a knock-down-drag-out-beat-the-shit-out-of-each-other-and-then-come-for-more .. kind of spar. It cracks me up every time I see Falon get physically aggressive. She hits like a guy. Granted she is not a guy and she does not have the power of shoulders or arm behind it .. but the technique is there and she loses all femininity when she gets pissed off and proceeds to beat the shit out of slave or free. Other times she is very female .. but to see her switch ... I can not help but be amused.

As for Silken I knew she had it in her .. that was no surprise on my part. Those two are going to be hurting for a long time after. No doubt there.

Now people seem to be surprised ... some anyway .... that I do not mind two women going at it. Uh ... why would I? Everyone needs to shed some aggressive energy sometimes and keeping it all bottled up gives your bowls a nasty turn ... so this was all good. Besides .. what guy does not find some sexual pleasure in watching such? Granted .. no one was naked .. there was not enough mud involved ... but I have a very good imagination and I work with what I am given. I am just good like that.

Of Messages and Guardianship

2007-12-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Kam came to the fires. I have not seen him in hands. He looked beat up and tired .. I guess we all look like that most of the time. The crazy thing is ... he told me that Tarra had left a message with him to tell me her and Garyx had left.

He told me he had other things on his mind and had not delivered it.

I told him I was displeased with the entire thing. He said it was his fault. I told him that it was Tarra's decision to not do what I asked and if he had been busy and failed to give me the message .. then her choice in messenger was faulty. And that was her fault. That yes .. I did rest some responsibility on Kam .. but not all of it.

I was a little pissy about the entire thing. I had a reason for asking her to contact me personally before she left. I had a reason for asking it to be made clear to me that Garyx's patrols were handled before he left. I did not wish to have to find out myself or to wait hands to hear it from Kam. What was lost however in the entire thing was personal .. and I could handle it. But I told Kam not to expect me to be happy about it for a bit.

Not like it was plains shattering or that I would hold it against anyone .. I was not. I was just irritated. In a couple of days I would be over it and I would have found another way around what I needed. That is what Tribe family did. They lived and worked with each other even when it was irritating.

There was however something more important I wished to speak to Kam about and I pulled him aside to ask him about Silken's guardianship. She had asked me to be released from Saresh's and put into Kam's. Now I was much more comfortable with that idea .. I have seen Kam handle Silken much better than anyone else but it would have to be with his concent of course. Kam said he wished to speak to Silken before he committed to it. That was more than understandable so I left it to them both to iron it out.

Sometimes it feels like I am climbing some great wall and it is covered in vines and every time I get any ground made one of them gives away and I am sliding back three lengths for every one made.

Damn it .. Not ... Again

2007-12-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today was just one of those days .. one of those days where everything seems one way and then gets turned inside out and upside down and you realize you have been walking on your hands instead of on your feet.

Surprise surprise .. surprise

Just when I think I am going along just fine it becomes clear to me just what an overbearing asshole I really am. Not always on purpose .. I am just a harsh man living in a harsh world and this is a harsh place on this harsh world and I do not try to make it anything else.

Cana asked me a question about respect. Seems she was upset about someone being disrespected at the fires the night before. That respect should be taught. Without really pausing to think I told her I was sure I would hear about it if it were important but ... I expected that if the person who was disrespected had that much of an issue with it they would have demanded respect from a prospect at the time. This upset her .. she asked me what a person is supposed to do when someone will not listen to them. I said I am rather good at letting someone know when I want their attention and I want it now. If it is important .. I make for damn sure. Now there are ways that are not hands on and there are ways that are hands on. I have driven free women to their knees by their hair .. I have thrown slaves into wagons .... I have drug warriors down from their kaiila and beaten some respect into them. And yet there are a lot of times I let it slide .. but that is because I make a judgement call as to whether or not I feel it is important enough to force the issue. This person obviously did not find it important enough to either force the issue or ask for help in gaining the prospect's respect.

I am rather sure that I upset Cana by my response. It was not intended. I was not holding anyone above her opinions or my opinion of her. I do not even know who this was about or why it upset her to the point that it did .. but once more my harsh view of the world has entered her personal space and I am sorry for it.

I just do not know how to keep that from happening. I am at war with myself for this inability to get close to people without hurting them. I wish ... I wish it were different.

The Alternative

2007-12-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

Cana pulled me aside. I stuffed a lot of my irritation down just to be able to talk to her without it spilling over. But she wished to talk about the very subject I was all over irritated with and that just brought it all back to the surface.

She wished to speak to me of Mayala. She wanted to tell me she had spoken to her .. was trying to work with her. So I proceeded to tell her exactly why I was doing what I was doing and that I saw no other option left to me.

When I had laid it out as I found it ... she agreed. There was very little else that I could do. I told her Mayala belonged to Saresh .. unless he for some unforeseen reason threw her back to me and then .. I would indeed collar her. There was no other way it was going to go. That was it.

Either she stepped up to her choices and performed as a free woman and kept her nose clean and made sure Saresh was damned happy with her ... or she would find herself knelt before me in a collar.

I know why that option bothered Cana. I would expect it to. It should bother a woman .. it should bother a free woman who cared for Mayala and wanted the best for her. Women do not naturally wish for each other to fall to the collar. I did say ... naturally.

And Cana is the most natural woman that I know. So I offered Cana something I rarely offer anyone .. the right and place to ask me to reserve my judgement. But given the chance that is not what Cana asked of me. Given the option to rein in the beast she merely asked a favor of me .. one that was so logical and understandable that I nearly fell in the face of it.

It was something I most likely would have done anyway. But I gave her my word that I would do it before any of the more dire consequences were enacted.

I am not sure what I would do without Cana. In the face of so much that makes no sense to me she is my friend .. and I find I can tell her almost anything without her getting defensive and caught up in what it might mean without stopping to see what it really does mean. I do not have many female friends that are not shadowed by their personal motives with me. Cana has none .. other than friendship. I am very thankful for her in my life.

I Have an Idea

2007-12-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

Seems Mayala has been carrying around a chip on her shoulder since the day at the stream. Not that was I surprised. But she has no one to blame but herself. I do not babysit women with nose rings. If a babysitter is what they need .. they better get a different guardian.

She has been chapping at a lot of people's asses and .. what happens will be hers to carry with her. I do understand to a certain extent and that is why I allowed her to attack me verbally at the fires. It is why I remained patient .. for much longer than I expected myself to.

But she would not just shut up. She would not stop biting at my ankles. Her nasty mouth just kept on snipping and I finally had enough. I told her I was more than welcome to explain it once more to her .. here ... at the fires. If she continued to accuse me of crimes against her I would most definitely defend myself and that meant .. dragging it all out in detail. She declined .. snapped my head off one more time and then stormed off.

Now it is known I am not a man that will place a collar as punishment on a woman easily. I allow women to speak to me most any way they please until I am tired of it and then I usually walk away. But I have come to the conclusion that I am not a man who will hesitate to gag a woman. The intent and motivation was right there ... and Mayala would have experienced that little adventure if she had not read the warning signs in time.

For now I find her tedious and a pain in the ass. I hope Saresh returns soon.

FONCE

2007-12-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

It was a cosmic busy signal. My head was so of full Dream Wars and restless Tuchuk that I had no room for anything else. I was frustrated and irritated with the loss of the woman and the tem. Would I be able to get enough from the larl? Who knew. If not ... then I had lost.

I just want something to go right for a change. I just want a real answer instead of getting shafted over and over and sent on bullshit errands that get me nothing but pasangs under my belt. Pasangs that are taking me further away from my goal and not closer.

Cosmic white noise. Head cluttered. It was just barely that I heard my name. Almost tangible enough to reach out and connect ... but not quite. Perhaps it was irritation and frustration on every level .. especially with everyone of my own Clan. There was not one I did not feel the urge to strangle .. even Tarra. If she had just done what I asked of her.

There was very little use crying over spilled milk. I had done it alone before and I could do it alone again. With the same attitude I had blown off the last few lessons Oren had meant to teach me I picked up my shit and stepped on.

With this much static in my head who ever was trying to reach me better get a bigger drum .. because this boy was lost inside some serious brain hemorrhaging.

Signed .. Sealed ... Delivered

2007-12-18T18:33:00.000-08:00

I was making my way down to the stream. The thoughts in my head were scattered and far away from anything I should have been concentrating on. That seems to be a reoccurring theme with me. The energy to contemplate being completely wasted on things that did me absolutely no good at all.

I like to think of myself as a relatively patient man. I put up with a lot of things from people .. over and over. There are men and women at the First Fires I do not even like and yet I tolerate them rather well. I do not form a prejudice against them nor keep them from succeeding because of my personal opinions of them. I allow many low levels of insults to pass by without targeting them for destruction. I think .. yes ... I am a very patient man.

However .. there is a limit to that patience. This great well of maturity does have a bottom and it can be reached. Sometimes much faster than people foresee. Sometimes much faster than even I can foresee.

Today was one of those days. Perhaps my levels of patience were all ready dipped into. But if there is one thing I have a rather large issue with it is people being careless with what belongs to me. Like my name .. my honor .. my word .. my position ... my burdens to the Tribe.

I do not know Mayala well. She has not entered my personal space much either in conversation or in time. But the scene I came upon that morning caused a direct and instantaneous desire to enter her personal space in a hands on kind of way. But being that patient man I sat down and told Mayala it was probably time she and I had a good talk.

She told me some things I was concerned about. Concerned to the point of asking her why she had not spoken of these things to me previously. She said it was not the kind of thing one spoke of to their guardian. My response was swift and solid. Her guardian was the ONLY one safe enough for her to speak of these things to and certainly speaking to the slaves of it was the WORST idea she could have chosen.

As we spoke she let something slip ... something she had done the night before. Sky preserve us both ... she should have kept her blooming bloody mouth shut. But .. she did not. Then she proceeded to dry up my patience with avoiding the answer to my question of whom. It was important .. this whom. I had visions of explaining this to Saresh and I was one hot motherfucking Tuchuk about it. I discovered that Mayala is a passive aggressive shitass. This too contributed to my loss of patience and I finally grabbed her by a wealth of her braids and drove her to her knees before me demanding an answer. Mayala does not in her entirety wish to be a slave ... for she answered me.

She told me .. it was ... Saresh.

I lost it .. no not my patience ... my amusement bubbled up and I could not stop laughing. Saresh? It was Saresh? The relief was felt through every funny bone I have. That pissed her off. I did not care.

I told her this was easy enough to fix. I would simply not take the bride price for something that was no longer ... tradable. She screamed at me that nothing had been lost. I disagreed for it had very little to do with a piece of skin. I was not going to stick my finger in there and find out if she were still a virgin. But none of it mattered to me at this point .. and though I was displeased with them both for cheating the Tribe out of the bride price ... taking something that did not belong to either one of them ... it would not be the first time two people got the wagon before the bosk and things would work out fine considering it was indeed Saresh she had compromised herself with.

She screamed at me some more .. said she was not worthless. I said .. not to Saresh. I thought she would try to claw my eyes out of my head .. which only made me laugh more. I knew only relief at this moment. But she was furious .. incited beyond sane for the idea that I would take no bride price for her. I will not begrudge a woman this materialistic view. For am I not as protective of my name and scars that speak of my worth and honor as a man? A woman strives to earn her worth as a good Tuchuk woman by learning the skills and ways that she may enrich and teach. By keeping her reputation as a free woman as clean as possible. I understand that a bride price is set according to this woman's success in doing just these things. But I had not caused Mayala and Saresh to be irresponsible with other's property. I was not all bent out of shape about it .. but there was a direct natural consequence to their actions. And the negated bride price was it.

I told Mayala she could consider herself .. signed ... sealed .... and delivered.

Don't Open Till ...

2007-12-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

Saresh asked to speak to me away from the fires .. private ... it is something I grant anyone let alone one of my commanders. We stepped aside and he started out by telling me he had taken .. claimed ... a couple things and wanted to let me know.

I had to pause. Did the man not know how possessive I could be? Did he not know I would tear him limb from limb if he had dared to take from a Tuchuk what did not belong to him let alone something that belonged to me personally? So I asked him from whom did he take these things .. I told him I was assured he would not steal from the Tribe nor from me. He agreed he would not do such a thing .. I was ... relieved.

He spoke to me of the slave nahera. I informed him she was mine. All the camp slaves are mine. They are bought .. stolen ... or traded for the purpose of serving the camp in my name. To steal a slave from me would not be healthy for a Tribe member. But again I was assured this was not the case. I told Saresh I would trade a good milk bosk cow for the slave. I liked nahera. I actually found much pleasure in the slave when I got a chance to see her. She was worth a lot to me .. both in pleasures offered and in the remembrance of a few. He agreed to trade.

The next thing he said he had claimed .. or wished to claim I should say ... was Mayala. To be his and his alone as his mate. I nodded to this. I speak for Mayala and I gave Saresh her bride price. Even though it will go into the Tribe community wealth and not into my personal gain. I was once again assured by Saresh he would not have thought of stealing this from the Tribe. The bride price was set ... the quest given.

I was pleased to see Saresh getting serious about his future.

Not that being serious does a damn bit of good .. I can testify to that one.

Sky Blue Sky

2007-12-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn't seem so bad to me now
Oh, if I didn't die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

-Wilco

It was probably more my mood than anything else. It probably had to do with all the things on my mind that frustrated and irritated me .. but blue just set me off one more time.

She told me she had this great revelation to share with me. She told me she had not been a slave at my feet. I wondered briefly what exactly she had been .. but only briefly for I did realize what she meant and no .. no she really had not been. Though I wondered if she really understood what that meant .. or why.

Did she really understand why she could be so frustrating? I doubted it. Unfortunately she decided to push it on a day when I was all ready tired and at the end of my patience.

I did not want to fix anything. I did not want to need anything for her to do to make her feel more like a slave. I did not want to DO anything ... anything at all. But no one asked me what I wanted.

How does a woman serve a man who is in need of nothing at the moment? How does a woman offer her submission to someone who is completely content and at the time requires nothing from her? How does she fulfill her need and desire to be a slave while yet not shoving her submission up someone's ass? Not easy questions to answer despite their appearance to be so. Not easy at all.

I told her not to be aggressive with her submission. I saw I hurt her .. confused her. I saw she did not understand me. I knew I needed to just stop .. stop the heavy hand. But it was too late. I had all ready abused and there was no turning it back now. Which of course frustrated me even more and I told her it was probably best for her to stay clear of me for a while. I mean really ... just walk a wide berth because I am nothing but a grumpy asshole right now. She gave the perfect passive aggressive slave's last words of "yes master" and left. I just dropped my head. There was no winning. There was nothing to do but turn and walk away and perhaps I will have the patience later to explain all of it. But why should I have to?

I know I should be happy that I survived .. that I am here. The families mourn and weep for the two men .. the two Ubar's guards who did not return with me. Guarding me is getting to be hazardous. Why can I not be just happy with that? Why is it that the more strength I regain as I rest and eat .. the more irritated I am with it all? I am literally to the point I can not even stand myself.

And why is it that not one person gets it?

Growth .. Disappointment ... Daily Life

2007-12-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

But just as I got the feather and I was completely fascinated with it .. finding it the most important and brightest spot for my focus ... life happened.

The kind of life where you step into the stream and find out it is neck deep and going so fast you barely have enough time to grab a breath before you are swept away .. far away from everything you were around before.

There has been an explosion of growth around the First Wagons. Several new prospects I have not even met yet. One of them even Jai's son .. returned from the lands of the dwellers. It is a time for celebration for such things. Though I find myself not exactly in the mood for festivities I can certainly understand that some should be and are so.

There was only one shadowed moment for me and that was when I found out that Garyx and Tarra had left for the dweller's lands without speaking to me as I had asked. No word was even left .. which would have been acceptable even if not what I had requested of them. I was displeased that Garyx did not contact me in regards to his command and the things he had put into place for his men before he left. I was displeased that Tarra did not keep her word to me .. word given over the Fire.

But it was a small shadow compared to the rest of the life that was bursting and blooming all over the Harigga. Just the influx of the prospects was enough to jump start a lot of conversations and good natured teasing. There was Jai's son .. whom I have mentioned. A man named Seth .. one of Silken's guards who wishes to earn his place among the First Wagons. A man named Nissjen whom I had yet to meet but I had heard he was old blood around the camp. There was a new leather worker by name of Jaella who was all ready starting to make herself known by good trades among those of the Fires. With all the new faces and new life going on it was hard to get lost in my same old problems. It was hard to even ponder them ... save in the night hours when I rode with the herd and the darkness allowed my thoughts to bubble to the surface without a lot to interrupt it. Only then did the rush ebb for a few moments ... only then did I ponder over the white feather and how it was meant to help me.

Fate and Destiny

2007-12-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough though .. it seemed the Sky had run out of ammunition for the day. Beo and I made it back safely to the camp and even took the ribbing and teasing for the beast we took turns riding. Holo did not seem to mind much .. I think he even blushed a little at all the attention. Stupid kaiila.

Beo and I split up as we reached our wagons .. each of us looking for water .. food and some salve for even though it did not appear we had been burnt at all .. the memory of the heat was still a living beast upon us.

I went down and bathed myself in the stream until I am sure my body thought I meant to freeze every cell solid. I washed away the dweller stench and the scent of tree smoke from my hair. The scent is light .. almost like perfume ... compared to the heavy smell of the fire I am used to. I sat naked on the bank of the stream and I braided my hair. I was no longer so angry. I was tired and I felt all beat up on the outside and just comatose on the inside. I tried to feel something about the last two days but I could not. It was just like none of it mattered any more. None of it was important. It was not a dark place I was in .. it was no place at all. A great nothingness place.

The wound on my chest was bleeding again and I dressed it and myself. Keeping the wound that would not heal beneath my jerkin and hidden from eyes until I could figure the damn thing out. Made no sense .. though I did know it was tied to the dream war somehow. That thought just sunk me even deeper into the blue funk I had found ... for if the dream war was lost ... how would I ever hope to heal the damn thing?

That evening though something happened that made me realize that Fate and Destiny still had a hand in the game. Something good happened. Something .. something positive.

Cana asked to speak to me away from the fire and I of course went to do so. Cana always manages to ground me a little .. a tug back to a lighter place. This time she spoke to me of dreams. I had to mentally shake my head a little .. I was rather disgusted with the subject at that point. But .. this was different. This was about something else. And not only was it something good and positive .. something I was terribly envious of ... but she shared it with me. She shared something that she said was meant for me. She handed me a white feather. Not a black one. A white one. How did she know? What did it mean?

I was speechless .. but I think I thanked her. I hope I did. I could not believe my good fortune. Now .. what to do with it?

DCCLXXVII

2007-12-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

The dawn was just starting to make itself seen along the horizon. I laid back in the grass still in the process of catching my breath and letting the heat seep out of my body into the cool grass.

Well ... what now? I mean ... what the fuck? Was there some massive conspiracy against me? I regretted asking that mental question as soon as it formed .. for I was afraid of the answer. I would not have been surprised if there had been an resounding thunderous "YES" left to echo around me. But there was only silence. That same nagging frustrating silence the Sky always gave me.

Fuck the Sky. Fuck the dreams. Fuck the woman and the tem. I gave the universal sign to the Sky that I figured it as #1 on my shit list. I had no weapons in hand and I was not mounted. My weapons had been destroyed .. save my quiva ... along with Folgers and my saddle and gear. So .. fuck it.

I was going to lay there until something good happened. Or until I got my breath. I wanted a drink. I wanted to break something. I wanted to tear it apart with my bare hands. I wanted to do something that made it all different .. the woman was NOT dead ... the tem was NOT a pile of ash. The pain in my chest reminded me I needed to redress the wound ... with what exactly? Gesture to the Sky again.

There was no way I was making it back to camp in a day and a half now. Like it mattered at this point. Let the omen rot from the inside out like the maggot infested corpse it was. Not a damn thing I could do about it at this point. It could go up in smoke like the rest. I was fucked. The dream war was fucked. And I was damned happy about it all too.

A slow exhale before I slid a glance over to where Beo had come to sit up and lean his forehead on his knees. And what was up with that anyway? Beo .. I mean. Was he protecting me? Had he saved my life or gone a long way to making it much more difficult. Did he have to kill her? Was it the impulse of the moment .. the motive to save my life ... or something else? Just who was Beo here for? I was still not sure.

And I had to ride that scrap-heap of a kaiila back to camp? Could my day get any worse?

I regretted asking that one also .. right about the time it formed on my mental tongue.

Holo ... Caustic

2007-12-08T06:23:00.000-08:00

It was then I heard another scream. This was one was different .. this one was animal. This one was kaiila .. but I did not recognize it from any of our kaiila. Just then I saw the beast that went with the scream and it was as if he too were on fire for he seemed to move with and through the flames like nothing touched him ... like he was a part of it himself. The beast leapt within the circle we were trapped within and without thinking I jumped and reached for his mane even as he swept by .. as his energy hit me and tried to rip my arm out of the socket .. I used it to swing up just as I felt Beo grab my belt and shoulder and the great beast drug us both through the scorching flames.

For a moment there was nothing but the heat .. nothing but the sound and the burn on every hort of my body. My flesh screamed and then ... then there was coolness. The coolness of the night and it bit at me like a million tiny ice hinti. And I nearly cried for the pain of it as it swept over my flesh. I lost my grip on the mane of the kaiila and slid down to fall onto the cool blades of grass ... and nothing ever felt so good as that. I do not know how long I had held onto the beast .. or how far we had come. I only know that for those few moments there was nothing better than the moon-cooled feel of that grass against my burnt skin.

As my senses returned I looked around and Beo was gasping .. laying not far from me. Then my gaze turned to the huge beast that had drug us from the flames and there stood the ugliest .. meanest .. most depraved kaiila I had ever laid my eyes on.

Now when I say depraved .. I actually mean depraved. I had never seen a lascivious kaiila before .. but here stood one right in front of me. He was not black and he was not brown. As if he got the worst of both colors. His head was too large and too bulky. His eyes were not even .. as if some child had drew him and got the eyes just a little off center. It made me dizzy just to try to look at him strait on. His eyes were seeping some kind of yuck that matted the lashes and left dark circles beneath. He was mean .. cantankerous ... not worth the fur he was contained in. Speaking of his fur it was not silky and smooth and beautiful as it should be. It was mangy and threadbare ... missing great patches. He looked like the type of kaiila that would win a race by beating up all the other kaiila ... stealing their souls while he was at it. He would rape all the mares and then not be responsible for any of the foals. You would be walking innocently down the lane between the wagons and he would step out and expose himself and then slink away with wet suckling sniggers. He was just ... that kind of beast. Not one redeeming quality about him.

Well .. except one ... he had saved my life.

Fire Starter

2007-12-07T06:21:00.000-08:00

I sat strait up .. drenched in sweat. Wiping at my face even as I felt the raw searing pain in my chest from the open wound and without looking I knew it was bleeding again. In a panic .. still a vestige of the dream .... I searched around me. The fire had become coals and the light it gave was low and red. A red that was mirrored back from the black forest of tem around us. I saw the sleeping bundle of Beo .. but the two Ubar's guard beds were empty. I startled up throwing the leather ground sheet aside just as I heard the scream. It sounded like a larl .. but the way it turned my blood to ice told me it was a man. A human ... a human so locked in the fingers of terror and pain that he no longer sounded human .. but something much more primitive. Something back much older than human ... an echo left from a place that had no rational thought or voice yet. A place where the darkness ruled because it was the highest life form.

Beo stirred and drew himself from his bed and came to crouch next to me .. I knew the question in his eyes was there though I could not see it distinctly. But what could I tell him? Something I myself had yet to understand? Beo had his bow and quiver and I grabbed the sheath of quiva and threw it over my shoulder. I could not use the lance to its best ability within the trees. We nodded to each other as we started out .. the only direction to go was the direction I had heard the scream. We split up .. though not too far ... and proceeded through the forest.

What we found would have caused any lesser man to retch the contents of his stomach out upon the leaves that were all ready wet and stained with splattered blood and tissue. What could do this to a man? I had only seen a Kur with this kind of chaotic destruction. But a Kur? Here? Was that even possible? We did not even have a chance to consider much before a wild insane scream rent through the night and there running through the trees we could see a torch .. the flickering of burning wood was weaving and starting small fires in the lower branches of the trees that it passed under. Only as it drew closer could we see the slave .. now free of her bindings ... running like a mad woman with the torch in one hand and a quiva in the other hand. Her eyes found focus on me and she made strait for me. Before I could stop him Beo drew back and I heard the twang as the arrow was let loose and the solid thunk it made as it split the slave's forehead and sunk deep within her skull. She was hit hard enough she was thrown backwards off her feet and the torch flew and spun setting the thick dry forest floor ablaze. Like a great inhale the trees sucked up the fire and it began to spread faster than we could move. Both of us spun on our heels and ran like ... well like our tails were on fire. We hit the camp even as the flames sprang up around us .. we were surrounded and the great roar of it deafened and made us scream at each other to be heard. Our kaiila were lost .. or dead ... and there seemed no way out of the fire .. we backed up until our shoulder blades almost touched and we faced outward .. as if the fire was an enemy we could conquer. Our skin glistened with sweat but the heat soaked it up before it could cool us. Both of us thought this was it .. without even saying it to each other. And we prepared ourselves for death.

So Blow Me

2007-12-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

We made camp several pasangs from the city among the great trees of a forest. A forest in eery likeness to the one in my dream. If I was nervous for it .. I did not let the others know as we built a small fire. The fire was fueled by wood and not by bosk chips and it was not the same. It was too clear .. too bright ... almost brittle in the darkness. The shadows it cast were too distinct as they danced and cavorted on the outskirts of our camp. The noise it made caused me to be jumpy .. the crackling and snapping. The smoke was sharp and cut my senses. I missed the fires of the plains. The slow smoldering heavy fires. Fires that seemed real. Fires that had bones with flesh on. Fires with smoke that carried the scent of all I held dear to me. I was relieved it was only going to be one night I suffered such.

With my saddle as a pillow and my ground sheet to sleep within I made myself comfortable. The slave had been tied to a limb above her head .. her wrists stretched high and her shift taken from her so her dark skin shimmered in the light of the fire. But the hood remained because every time we tried to take it off she spit and snarled and screamed in that language we did not know. So we slapped her around a little and then displayed her with the hood on. She made a nice decoration to our camp as she stretched and fought the tether. Her muscles honed by fighting. At least her mouth remained quiet as long as the hood was on. The resulting picture though .. was not bad to look at.

We shared a little blackwine I had brought along and roasted some tabuk steaks that Beo had packed in his saddle bags. One of the Ubar's guard had brought along a bota of paga and passed it around. We told great lies disguised as stories and boasted of great deeds we had done or heard of others doing. Bragging and one upping each other as the night grew more heavy around us. The two Ubar's guards ... whose names I failed to learn ... asked me if I would mind them taking some recreational time with the slave. Of course I did not mind .. and granted them whatever use they desired of her. As long as they kept her hood on. I planned on getting some sleep and the screeching and screaming would not be conducive to such. They grinned and left the fires .. I heard them dragging her off a ways from camp. Beo and I shared our plans for the next day before we both turned in .. wrapping ourselves in our ground sheets and dosing off.

Almost immediately I began to dream of an ost. I could hear it crawling through the ground litter around us .. the leaves crackled and rustled as it slithered beneath. I rose and watched as it approached the slave who was bound to the limb with her arms stretched high above her. I tried to move .. to step between but I was unable to leave where I watched. Held by some unseen chains .. rooted where I was and forced to be merely a spectator in the events that followed. The slave arched and froze as she heard the ost. She seemed to know what approached for I could see her tremble and twist looking for an escape that did not exist. I heard her silent scream as the ost curled around her slender ankle and began to coil up her shin .. easing higher until it encircled the tone muscle of her thigh. The tongue of the serpent tasting her flesh ... tasting the fear and the knowledge of her own peril from her pores. The eyes that never closed seemed intent upon the prey .. as if nothing else existed. She was frozen .. except for the rapid pulse that warmed her against the reptiles scales ... except for the breathing that drove her ribs hard against her skin and lifted her breasts with a beautiful rhythm. Even as I strove to move .. to intervene ... I was captured by the enthralling.. pulsing ... panoramic scene that was unfolding before me. Even as I noticed the giant thick tem she was tied to. The tem... the tem .... THE tem. Just as the serpent drew his head back to strike ... just as her own head fell back .... I woke.

An Auction ... of Course

2007-12-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

The ride to the small city was without incident. I rode Folgers .. the silken black kaiila given to me by Jerus. A beautiful and strong beast who had given me excellent service as well as sired several foals. I rode with my shield and lance .. with my quiva ready to hand ... but there was no resistance.

The city was small and the people were a little nervous to see Beo and I ride in .. not to mention the two Ubar's guards I was not able to shake off. They know what a Tuchuk is and hustled their women off out of our sight much like Turia only without all the fanfare ... smaller city. Beo caused a stir himself for though he is not scarred as we were ... he is obviously the warrior and a strong man with enough battle scars to rival our own.

Our reception was much different though as we approached the block. The merchant saw a chance to make coin .. for everyone knows we think nothing of it and will throw it away and pay much more in coin for something simply because we do not value it.

So the whip danced and snaked and the women could feel his energy and responded well before us as we sat on our kaiila with the other men and watched.

The first was a red silk kajira. Her mouth was not soft nor were her eyes. She was a challenge all wrapped up in the package of a woman and she strained against her chains. Her submission was aggressive .. she would make a man work for it .. make him turn her submission on by his actions. Shove it in his face and wait for the dominance to respond. There would be only two ways to deal with this slave ... submit to the demand for dominance .... or ignore her. I do not submit well ... she would get a lot of ignoring from me. Though it was tempting ... to see if I could break her of it. If I could show her a different way to get what it was she wanted. She was a sexual package. She moved within it .. flaunted it. Knew it was her best feature and exploited it. Every male fiber in me responded to her .. but like I said ... I do not submit well. I bid for her. It amused me to see the glow of her skin as her heart quickened. Was she afraid I would win? Or was she desperate for it? It was hard to tell. Though her eyes would glance back to me when I let another win and the merchant drug her from the block to the man's feet. She got a smirk in return. I knew she was not the one .. if for no other reason than I forgot why I was there the entire time she was on the block.

The next was a dancer. Allowed a bit of silk while on the block to show off the grace and beauty of her moves. Each gesture .. each time she shifted or turned to the direction of the whip was exquisite in perfection. There was not a piece of her that was not part of the movement. Like the wind against the grass .. each extended piece was part of the whole. Every fingertip was precise. She flowed through my brain like the warmth of a spring day. Lulled my senses ... enough I did not even bid on her. Completely lost in the beauty of it. I even forgot she was a woman ... for me she was simply movement that took my mind to other places ... and oddly enough .... other women. I missed her when she was gone .. I came back to the reality of where I was reluctantly.

The third woman to be brought to the block was beautiful .. as most slaves are ... but it was a very quiet beauty. She was submissiveness in raw form. Not a bit of her entered anyone's personal space. They could have left her on the block for hours and she would not have been shoved out of peace for it. She bent to every will .. every demand. Every look that was cast on her was rippled back with reaction. I almost took her .. though I knew she was not the woman I was there to find. I almost took her because she was a clean slate .. a beautiful bit of submissive nature that had yet to have the fingerprints of any man upon it. She reacted to everything and everyone. I would think that would exhaust any human .. but she seemed to be inspired by it ... energized by it. Given reason to blossom simply because of a look or a presence. Ah what things I could do with this woman. I felt myself reaching for her .. my desire spurred for such a thing. But like lightning I was reminded of all the women that have failed under my harsh hand. Would she dim also? Would she suffer in her bruising and lose that which had drawn me to her in the first place? I would not take that chance .. and so my urge was repressed and I let her go to a scribe. What a waste.

The fourth was a fighting slave. Instantly I knew she was or had been a woman of the plains. It was all over her features .. the way she moved. She was beautiful even with the small scars she had earned in her service. she was drug fighting up on the block. I am sure it was staged .. it usually is. But when the merchant had her forced to her knees and they ripped her hood off .. her eyes connected with my own gaze and she started screaming words no one could understand .. not even me. I glanced sideways at Beo and he shrugged .. we both glanced back and the merchant was confused and beside himself. He used the whip on her and this time .. it was not for show. It took the merchant and another man to get her down and they bound her wrists and ankles .. replacing her hood. Only then did she calm down. The merchant was obviously embarrassed and shook up. This made it obvious to the buyers that something was wrong. She was the last slave to be sold that day ... so I bought her. Beo smirked at me .. I shrugged. The merchant was only too pleased to have the coin and I gave him the entire bag of them .. what else did I need it for?

So we left the city .. and the auction ... with a fighting slave trussed up like a virgin captive over my saddle. I was pleased. I had the woman. Now all I needed was the larl and the tem.

Of Faultless Logic

2007-12-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

After I was done with the herd the next day I sat at my fires with Beo and I spoke to him of a ride beyond the trees. He said we could do it and return in a day and a half and I nodded and told him it was all the time I had.

He said to me there would be resistance .. a battle. He asked me if I was ready. I said I was always ready for such. I lived ready. He asked me of my chest wound .. I shook my head and told him it was fine. Nothing to worry about. I lied.

He told me it would be a great honor to face an enemy by my side. I told him if he survived I would call for him to receive a courage scar. I did not ask him if he would want one .. I simply assumed he would. He told me if he received a courage scar he would share his own tradition with me ... and we would share a drink from the warm skull of our enemy. I replied that I would do this with him as long as all the gooey bits inside the holes of the skull were fresh enough to still retain their seal. He said this was so for it made drinking much easier as well as healthier.

He asked me where it was that we were going. I had thought on this point for some time ... going over the words Valerie had spoken to me in my dream. And I had come to the logical conclusion that if this was indeed a woman who served a new master then by rights we were probably speaking of a slave woman and .. the best way to find a slave woman was at an auction. So .. we were going to the nearest city with a slave auction. It all made sense to me .. much like the skull thing ... and we both agreed our logic was faultless.

And so faultless logical plans were laid for the next day's ride.

Now .. Go

2007-12-03T06:50:00.000-08:00

When she touched me .. the heat faded and the light of the moons returned to give me sight. Then she spoke to me with words .. instead of molten lava.

"You must go and find her."

"Who?" I asked. "Who is it I am to find?"

"The woman." She replied.

"But I do not know her." I stated.

"You will know her. Though she serves another master now .. you will still know her and she still has one third of the key."

"Where am I to go?" I asked.

"Beyond the forest." She replied.

"What of the larl? and the tem? Where am I to find them?" Thought I might as well get as much as I could before I woke up.

"She is the way." She answered.

"And the darkness?"

"It will always be with you. Darkness is sated now for a time and half a time. Go in peace."

"But what if I do not ..." I started to ask but ....

That is when I woke and lifted my head .. my half eaten bowl of food still within my hands though the fire at my wagons had eaten itself to sleep and I sat now alone ... well not quite alone. For across from the pit sat Beo. He nodded to me as soon as I opened my eyes and he rose to return to his wagon where I assumed Valerie was all ready sleeping like the rest.

Inferno

2007-12-03T06:49:00.000-08:00

I watched the fire spread .. breathing and growing. But it left a clear path to the forest and I turned from the little girl and I followed the grass. The fire rose up on either side of me like great walls and I felt all the tiny hairs on my body rise to meet the electrified air around me. I arrived at the edge of the forest and the fire had spread so that all the trees were engulfed in flames rising up to the Sky. I hesitated a moment .. if there is a fear I have it is of fire. But I gathered myself and stepped within the forest of burning trees.

Darkness came and surrounded me ... not darkness that most people are used to. Not the lack of light .. but the kind of darkness that ambushes light and assassinates it. I could smell the stench of rotting light all around me ... faint outlines of light as it faded with a sigh like a death rattle and was no more. The slaughter continued until there was nothing left to remind me that light had even ever existed beyond some kind of dream .. a dream of something that I only wished could exist. Not the kind of dream where I remembered that it did.

So I sat with darkness .. my old friend ... and I waited to see what darkness had to say to me for surely I had been summoned here to listen. And darkness came .. still dripping with the ichor stain of light ... and darkness crawled inside of me. I listened as darkness spoke. Darkness was in good spirits for darkness had a full gullet. I took the words of darkness .. as I always did ... and pondered them long after darkness curled up within me to nap .. sleeping off the food coma that all the firelight had given. I am not sure how long I sat there within the burning forest but I finally stood. Since there was no longer any light from the fire I used the heat to guide my way back out of the forest and along the path of grass. And soon I felt the small hand of the little girl slip within my large callused one.

Listen

2007-12-02T06:40:00.000-08:00

When I left Beo's wagon that day I took with me the mysterious black feather that he had pulled from my shoulder. The black feather that had once been a dagger. It was now stained with my blood .. and I did not wash it clean. There was a clue there ... I just was not sure what it was.

I was disturbed. If she was powerful enough now to reach me in my dreams .. if she had grown fearful of my growing power enough to try to kill me ... I had a decision to make. I could ... as the voice of the Black Mask ... have her taken. But I can still smell the blood on the inside of my mask .. my father's blood ... I am in no hurry to fall into the same traps he did. I also have no desire to start more of a war with the Clan than I all ready have. I do not want them to fear me. Some of them are undecided as to which one of us is right .. some of them are even thinking she is though they will not speak out against me in this. If I silence her this way the question will always remain unanswered as to whether I was fair in my dealing with her. They have no idea what she has done to me .. what crimes she has committed in her zealous attempt to manipulate me in the craft. I know .. but I have no proof to offer anyone. No I can not use the Black Mask to solve this problem .. it will only make a bigger one.

So it is left to me to fight this war as I have been. Within the craft .. within the dreams. I must find the signature knot. I must discover the sevens. I can go no further in my quest without the lance. And to find the lance itself is turning out to be quite an involved sub-quest. I get lost in it when I try to think about all of it at once. I had to piece it out and take it one part at a time.

That night I ate at the fires of my wagons and Beo and Valerie joined us there. Date brought us bowls of meat and there was fresh milk. But before I could finish the meal Valerie rose and trotted around the fire to take my hand .. and she led me passed the wagons .. passed the bosk ... out onto the plains and we walked without a word between us until there was a great expanse of forest that stretched across the horizon. Then she turned to me and from her lips dripped molten fire that poured into her palms and danced from her fingers to the grass at our feet.

Assassin's Sting

2007-12-01T06:37:00.000-08:00

I was walking towards the main fires and the jingle of my spurs accompanied my step as I drew near. I tugged the wind scarf away from my features and my gaze swept over the area but it was oddly quiet and there was no one around .. not even the slaves. I thought it odd but not too odd and I went to the water barrel to draw a drink up within the dipper .. I had just raised the water to my mouth when out of the barrel rose a man as if birthed from the water itself and into my chest he meant to drive the gleaming blade grasped in his fist .. but I tried to fall back .. to turn ... and instead he drove the blade deep into my right shoulder. The momentum of my turn left me falling and I fell until I knew no more.

When I woke I was in a strange wagon on strange furs and I sat up gasping with the excruciating pain in my shoulder and I reached to find the dagger still deep within. But it was Beo that grasped the hilt and he jerked the blade from me but as the firelight glinted off the steel it flickered and instead of a blade he held a large black feather. I glanced down to my shoulder and watched as the wound closed back into the star shaped scar left from the curse of Helius. But I gasped again for the wound in my chest on the left side .. remnant of the ritual I performed ... now began to ooze and throb as blood broke through the healed skin to trickle down my stomach.

I thought I would wake up .. this was surely a dream. But ... I was awake. And the dream had slipped into my reality with painful clarity. There was only one I could think of with the power to do this and I was furious. Why now? What had happened that I did not know about? I did not wish to die and this time it was too close. I had to stop fucking around and get the key to the signature knot. I had wasted too much time all ready with foolish dreams of making my life better .. less lonely. Foolish indeed. What woman could I bring into this? How could I ever explain it all and still sound rational? Truth was even if I could I would not. Anyone I cared about enough to tell I would care about enough not to tell.

My gaze returned to Beo. I asked him how I got here .. how he found me. He was digging in a pack for bandages which he passed to me and I packed and wrapped the wound as he told me he had found me near a water barrel .. with a dagger in my shoulder and he had brought me here. But .. I said ... where were my guards .. where was everyone else? He shook his head and turned to come and crouch next to me even as I tied off the bandaging and he gestured to the copper bowl and it was only then I paid attention and realized what I had been smelling .. the scent permeating the air now that my head was beginning to clear a little. My gaze narrowed and returned to him and he just nodded. I wanted to ask so many things right then .. but every time I started to the obvious and logical answer came to me. The process took a few moments .. but in the end I have made Beo a personal body guard.

I am not sure I trust Beo. I know he has many similar talents as I do but they are different as was his country and upbringing. I will learn more of these things in the days to come .. I have moved Beo and Valerie to my circle of wagons and Beo is going to be spending a lot of time with me in the next few hands.

If Beo is a friend .. it is good I will have him close to me ... if Beo is my enemy ... it will be even better to have him closer.

2007-12-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

GO!

To un-explain the unforgivable,
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show.
By streetlight this dark night,
A séance down below.
There're things that I have done,
You never should ever know!

And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Who walks among the famous living dead,
Drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed.
And if you could talk to me,
Tell me if it's so,
That all the good girls go to heaven.
Well, heaven knows

That without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out.
I'm really not so with you anymore.
I'm just a ghost,
So I can't hurt you anymore,
So I can't hurt you anymore.

And now, you wanna see how far down I can sink?
Let me go, fuck!
So, you can, well now so, you can
I'm so far away from you.
Well now so, you can.

And without you is how I disappear,
Forever, forever now!

-MCR

The End .. of a Quest

2007-11-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

I have decided to close this quest I have had to understand and apply rules of love by learning other's ways and opinions of such. I have decided to put it away and leave it for another time .. if ever. The other day when I was speaking to blue and Falon about it .. T'zuri got upset. Misunderstood. Got shoved out of peace by the content of the conversation. Today it was Falon. I do not know what or why .. I just know it is not the intention of my quest for these pieces to hurt or upset anyone at all. And that is what I seem to be doing. Starting arguments .. not discussions. And so it is time to cinch this one up and put it away.

For me the subject as well as the reality of love causes more headaches and heartaches than comfort. And I am not a masochist. I am not out to be miserable. I am not out to cause anyone else to be miserable. I will not pursue this further.

I have enough to concentrate on. My bosk .. the new kaiila foals .. the new sleen pups ... and that was just my personal life .. I had much to do as Ubar.

I was told that Silken felt the responsibility to force treatment on Polunu and at his refusal to be forced .. she enlisted the help of Saresh to hold him down. Kam assured me that he was going to take care of it .. both Silken and Saresh but I wanted to make sure that Silken knew my policy on such things.

I spoke to Silken about not forcing treatment on anyone. She did not agree with me at all and the only reason she gave me her word that she would no longer practice that way .. was because she had to. I did not want it to be like that. I did not want to put my word down without understanding. It is not my way .. but it will have to be that way because I have no choice.

Her punishment will be left to Saresh and Polunu .. and Saresh's punishment left to Kam. I will only step in if there is nothing done.

This is not a society where women have the same rights as men. Fair or not .. that is the way it is. A man has rights .. in this Tribe ... rights to his own body and his own pain and his own ideas of that.

I had the two bosk delivered to Zarina that she won in the wager with me over Kai and T'zuri's friendly little spar. It was a nice break to the monotony of the same sexual innuendos thrown around the fires and a good time was had by all .. though I imagine the two of them will be feeling the effects for a few days. And I do not expect that I will get caught in the middle of their little teasing spats any time in the near future again either.

Grin.

Ruffled

2007-11-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

I talked with Cana down by the stream this evening. Seems she had a run in with Kaz the Singer when he came up to the First Fires to see T'zuri .. or run over her .. something like that.

Cana was obviously upset. She reminds me of a mother vulo all ruffled up and protective. I think she expected me to tell her she was over reacting. I did not. For some reason I think she expected me to defend Kaz. I did not.

I listened .. because I like Cana and I care about why she was upset. Did I think any small children were endangered by Kaz and his kaiila? No. The First Fires is not a day care for children. Our children grow up with the knowledge of kaiila and bosk and sleen from the time their eyes first open to the Sky. Our riders and warriors grow up with the knowledge of their beasts from the time they are old enough to sit a saddle. We live with carnivores and death on a daily basis .. we are not dwellers who coddle their children from every imaginable danger.

I know my words to her probably did not fall on welcome ground. I know she was angry as a mother and she had her pride hurt in the process. I told her she did not do anything wrong .. I told her to throw a good size metal pot at his head next time. I told her I piss off women around the fires all the time ... especially when they are cooking and if I had to count the times I had been chased off with a staff or a pot while being called a rowdy thoughtless bastard ... I would be a long time at it.

I am pleased that Cana is protective .. I am pleased she is female. I like her that way. I am not .. most men I know are not. We need the other side to throw pots at us and tell us to knock our shit off. But I did not like seeing her so out of peace with it. So upset. I wish I had the words to ease that .. I wish I knew how to talk to her like another woman to connect somehow on a level of understanding that I do not have. Whether successful or not I tried because I want her to know that she matters. Her worry and care is appreciated. Tug is fortunate to have someone fighting for him. I never had such .. I wish I had. It does not mean I will yell at Kaz for jumping his kaiila over the fire or even running T'zuri down. Since Cana was not worried about T'zuri at all I figure she must be all right and as for the kaiila .. I have done it and a lot worse. And the next time I do I figure I will get a pot thrown at my head as usual and I will smile because ... I would miss it if women stopped being female .. stopped being who they are ... even as I am dodging a split skull.

Like Ducks in a Row ... But Not

2007-11-25T11:29:00.000-08:00

It is the moons again. All three of them ... huge full and bright in the Sky. I know they pull against us. I know they effect us in ways we do not understand. I do not know if it is because they are near and we hear their whispering or if they are far and without their whispering we lose a little bit of our humanity. Either way I know that when they are full like this people act differently. They act ... worse. They say things and do things they normally would not.

For a hand now I feel like I have been dealing with one thing after another. Most of it is not that important .. just unrest or people shoved out of peace about something a good listening ear can take the edge off. Some of it is bigger. Disfavor with me and how I do things. I am not here to do things as they have done them in the past. I am here to do things as Fonce. I am Tuchuk .. but I am Fonce. I am not the Ubars of the past. I am not the men that came before me .. nor will the men who come after me be ... me. My name is mine because I am an individual and I nearly gave my life to earn my name and I will be damn proud of it for the rest of the time I have beneath the Sky. And with that pride comes the knowledge that I am .. an individual. And I am not here to be anyone but who I am ... to be the best me possible.

If there are those that believe I am not what this Tribe needs .. I have spoken before I will step down. Quickly. As easily as the position was placed on my shoulders I will shed the cloak should I get word or even the implication that I am not the best thing available for this Tribe. I am not here to change people .. I am here to guide them. To keep them alive. I am not here to entertain or give them a reason to be here ... I am here to guide their own quest for their own lives and to make sure they survive to the best of my ability this thing called Tuchuk life. I am not here to guide as they have been in the past. I am not here to do as other men have done but to do as I do. Just because there have been ways .. or things done before ... does not mean that I will make the same decision. And should that become a problem I will solve that problem without a look back. I have given up a lot to shoulder this responsibility. If that is no longer appreciated there is no reason for me to continue to sacrifice for people who are no longer appreciative of it. Only as long as I fit what is needed as Ubar will I continue.

I am tired of people threatening to leave if I do not do what they think is right. Leave? Leave where? When did being Tuchuk become so conditional? I was still Tuchuk when I did not like what Trajen did .. or what Bo did. I did not threaten to become nonTuchuk just to try to manipulate them into doing what I wanted or thought right.

I am tired of being threatened with .. if I do not do what someone thinks is right then all the bad rumors about me must be true. If the bad rumors are that I do what I think is right no matter what? Might as well come to grips with that now.

If however this is the unrest caused by the moons I will understand. Things will move on. I will continue to ease what I can by listening and guiding as needed. But after this hand I am tired ... very tired. I want .. here I must chuckle because I am too tired to even think what it is that I do want. I just ... want. Perhaps sleep. Perhaps a few moments where everyone is ... all right. Perhaps I want someone to tell me .. hey Fonce good job. Perhaps I am lonely for my life .. just a piece of it where people are not so interested in what I do and why but .. just let me live like I am a normal guy with normal desires and wants from this life. Well .. I suppose I will never be normal so I mean normal for me. Am I alone in this? Were these frustrations felt by all the Ubars before me? I wish they were around to ask.

I think today the cloak of responsibility is very heavy. I think today I wish there was someone to share that with. But I suppose the lack of that comes with the territory. Tomorrow it will be better ... it always is.

Wind of Change

2007-11-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

"Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with."
-Twain

I have not been very easy on bell. I did not have the motivation to be. I have not been cruel. But I have not been nice either. Why should I be? I am not a nice guy .. so why would I suddenly become one for a slave? Especially a slave who had the guts to come to me and expect me to believe for a moment that she had missed me. Not after the words she had given me.

Today started out no different. I had stated that both blue and bell acted as if they were moving on pins and needles .. nervous. Bell answered me first and I once again asked her the same questions I have asked since this whole thing started. The difference was that this time she actually had answers. Answers I could accept. Answers that logically fit the questions and showed a natural progression of understanding that she had gone through. Answers that made sense to me. That was different. That was new.

I can see bell changing .. growing. Today she was capable of communication. communication that was not emotionally based. Good answers to my demands for explanation to the ideas she wanted me to comprehend. I can not jump from point B to point F without the understanding of the steps between. The steps that brought her from point B to point F. She can not walk away from me one day and simply return and say she figured it all out .. and not have me question what exactly she figured out.

I have no idea where bell and I will go in the future. If anywhere at all. Bell has new responsibilities to Cana and the Kaiila Clan. To a boy she is destined to protect in her way. There are many things bell and I do not agree on .. things that may or may not be important. But one good thing came out of that talk we had by the stream. I will allow her near. I hold no anger towards her. I will allow her to speak to me without the digging in her brain for her maggot. Will she get passed the apathy that she inspired with me? I can not say. But at least she toed up to the line and gave answers to questions that I needed before I would tolerate her in my presence. I have let it go .. removed my grip from it.

As always the wind of change has shaped and molded and what final piece will be offered to the Sky is once more out of my hands and left to the future.

Love me ... Love me Not

2007-11-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

I had no idea what Falon wanted to speak to me of .. I strode down the edge of the stream until we were away from the others and then I waited to hear. She seemed to struggle for a moment with what she wished to say ... and then asked me if I had any romantic feelings towards her or if we were going to always remain friends.

The question surprised me .. I asked her if she wanted me to decide right now. She said she wanted to know if I was interested in pursuing such a thing with her and if not she wanted to know strait up right now. But no .. she said I did not need to decide .. right now.

At this point I was not only surprised but confused. I told her so and she attempted to clear it up for me. She told me that she had shared her heart with me .. that she loved me. And she would not offer me empty words.

Now .. I knew this. I had listened to her and it had honestly never occurred to me she would offer me untruths or words she did not mean .. I also told her that I was now aware of the definition she gave love. Which was a little different from my own .. but still valid in my opinion. She asked me if I saw the possibility that I may feel the same about her in the future.

I asked her .. if it mattered. I wanted to know if her love was based on possibilities. If she needed an answer so she could change her love to a more productive avenue.

She said .. yes it did matter actually. It would matter if I had no interest in pursuing a relationship on a romantic level. So I asked her if this was so then would she no longer love me .. in my attempt to further learn of Falon's rules and definitions of love.

She said that no .. it did not mean that but in time the love would not be as strong as the love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and have a family with.

So I asked her if love could then change like that. She said love had levels. Like the different loves she felt for family .. friends ... and the love she had for a man she wished to share body heart and spirit with. I said .. so you have that kind of love you want to share with a man for me .. and you need to know if it is going to be returned so you can change it to fit someone else. Made sense to me. She said she did not know the future .. or what it held or if it could be changed to fit someone else. That made even more sense to me even if I .. as yet ... could not fit both of her answers into the same thought. I took that struggle and turned it into a question ... and I asked her why she was expecting me to foretell the future right now if she herself could not.

She said no .. but she wanted to know if I wanted to kiss her .. find out about her heart .. explore her. I said yes. Of course. But ... I wanted to do that with a lot of different women. I could not say that there was one that had taken my focus. I was afraid I could not answer her question in a way that would work for her. She asked me .. if I wanted to get to know her ... why I did not kiss her.

Well ...

You know .. I am logical. I really am .. detrimentally so sometimes ... but there are actually things I do not want to dissect and examine and put words to for someone. This was .. one of them. To kiss or not to kiss .. and why? Fuck ... like I know? Sometimes I just do and sometimes I just do not.

But .. I did try to explain it for her ... she seemed to want to know the answer .. need the answer for her own peace of mind. I told her that I had backed off from her .. as we had spoken of many times before this. But that in truth I did not choose a woman ... then go about getting to know her and kiss her and pursue her and then decide if this was the woman I wanted to mate or not. The things I had come to ponder when I thought of mating were not these things but ... how she lived. How she thought .. how she acted ... how she treated others ... and me. Whether or not she could be my friend in ways that would stand the tests of time and trouble. For I had no faith in love to see me through these any more.

She asked me then if she had failed in these things. We started to rehash the family subject. She seemed to think that I wanted her to not like her family or be angry with them. Which is very far from the truth. She seemed to think that standing up to Chay about her behavior and standing up to Tarra about blue were examples that helped me in my own struggle with how to relate to her on this subject. Which again is not what I needed. I have seen Falon hold her ground with her family .. I have seen her act as an individual. What I had never seen was Falon hold her ground for me with her family. I had yet to experience her capable of dealing with my own venting if and when it was about her family. And to be honest those things were not the epitome of my needs .. it was just a thing that kept being brought up and I was still attempting to help her understand and not misunderstand me.

I have no idea what I did not switch her gears but she started looking me over like I was a piece of meat .. now that does not threaten me but I will not suffer much of it before I take the challenge. I warned her that yes I did think of her as a friend but I can take the jump from friend to sex without a lot of thought in between. She said she wanted a man who thought of her in terms other than sexual gratification. Big surprise. I told her most women do. That did not mean I was not going to do what I said I would do if she continued.

It was a good idea to head back to the main fires about then.

I do not know if I answered her original question in a way she needed me to. I do not know if I gave her any kind of help at all. To me it felt like all the other conversations we have had .. but she seemed all right afterwards. Perhaps she just needed to hear me say it all again. That seems to be a female trait.

Women.

Happy in Red Major

2007-11-23T06:45:00.000-08:00

Silken has been acting very different lately. Of course that happens so often the statement begins to be redundant .. even as contradictory as that may appear on the surface content of the statement itself. She is .. happy. Now I have yet to figure out if it is a real kind of happy or if she is not happy and just pretending to be happy in a very big way to fool people into thinking she is actually happy. Silken always does things in a really big way ... so it is hard to tell. I like Silken happy .. she is a prankster and an Elder .. even if she does not act like it all the time. I would prefer she did not .. Elders tend to be dour and sour and prose on and on about the right ways to act and the niceties we usually as Tuchuk attempt to avoid until we get so old that we ... do not. Silken has been up and down the wagon rows a few times and it shows .. she is a little harder .. a little more vulgar than most women but not in a way that I would say crosses the line too far. Or I would have done something about it. But I will say .. have said ... that she does dance on it. The line that is.

She tackled me when I came down to the stream and I was not expecting that. Ever. People rarely invade my personal space and when they do they are pretty damn well careful about how they do it. I have to say usually because today .. there was nothing careful about her impact. I laughed and caught her. Falon asked to speak to me and Silken threatened to ost me. She asked me if I knew what that meant and I told her I threaten to ost women all the time .. however ... I had an inkling that we were not threatening the same thing. So she showed me .. sliding down my leg to wrap herself around it anchoring me to there. I had to laugh. There is a sexual tension between Silken and I .. well on my part even if not on hers. I do not cross that line because to dance with the line will leave me with no resolve to protect the line. I have actually told her this .. though I have no idea if she took me seriously. I grabbed a good handful of her hair and drug her up to bite her ear and tell her I was going to go talk to Falon.

Damn woman.

Thank You

2007-11-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

"Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none."
-Shakespeare

For a moment I have come to think on life and the value of such. For a moment I have stopped the monumental task of fixing and providing that consumes my daily awareness. For a few moments I have laid aside the words of others who question my integrity so easily .. without thought .. and with this I also laid aside the lance of truth that I meet each instance in the belief that if at least one person lets others know how damaging their thoughtless words can be ... that perhaps next time they will think before they speak to others.

I ask myself every day if it is worth it. Worth being strait with people. They rarely appreciate it .. usually get defensive and tell me all I see is the negative about them. Once more they focus on a very small piece of the picture and miss the very real panoramic view of what kind of energy and caring and positive outlook that it takes to care enough to even shed some light on what it is that they are doing that strains the relationship. How easy it would be to ignore them .. knowing they do not mean to question my identity and just letting it slide. It is not motive that I question .. I question technique. I question the lazy attitude that allows people to say whatever they want as long as their motive is provably pure. That ... supposedly gives them this "get out of jail" free card.

But not with me.

So I am at risk for people believing that all I see is the negative .. all I think about are the rules.

Today I set that aside. The questions ... the introspection. The high measure of what I hold myself up to.

I set aside the drive for what is right. The quest for what is real. The need to be as good a person as I can to those around me. The desire to never allow a moment of weakness to hurt another whether or not I am successful at every turn. And I also set aside the protectiveness that I have for me. That which does not allow others to have too much power to destroy for they surely will in their naivety. I put away my own selfish desire to survive.

Like a slow dissolving of a salt block .. or a puzzle box gently and methodically taken apart I set each burden .. each motive ... each rule and each concern aside. I put down every lie and every truth. I put down every experience .. both good and bad. I set aside every other person who meant something to me either in a positive way or a negative way. I stripped my identity from my bones until there was nothing left but the stark white of my skeletal structure.

And there with ocular holes open to the Sky I questioned why I leave myself alive. Why I am here ... why I subject myself to the pain and ecstasy of life. There were no voices to tell me they needed me. There was no guilt .. no expectations of what I do that negated my leaving this mortal coil of existence. It was just me. Without my drives without my wants without my desires or quests .. just me.

And I could not find a reason for me to be. I could find no cause to breathe life into my existence here. I searched .. but I could not find one. Nothing left to breed motive. I raged with this feeling for a moment .. how could this be that I am nothing and no one without my burdens? Without my pain? without my happiness? Can this really be all there is? I wept for all I had lost .. all that I could no longer believe in that lay scattered upon the grass around me like lifeless idols.

And then ... there was silence. And in the silence I came to the realization that though I was no longer made up of all these things .. I was still here.

It started with a single drop of water. An entire universe held within a single tiny drop of life giving moisture. Breathless beauty in simplicity that held more complicated life than I could ever aspire to contain. Slowly .. as I fell inward in that thought it expanded building cell upon cell .. tendon and sinew upon bone and flesh upon flesh .. skin ... organs .. eyes. It was all so simple. All so profound.

I was not made up of the things I had laid aside. I had a reason to be despite them or with them. And I stooped to pick up each one in turn by choice ... and not by conviction for I had not donned that cloak yet.

In truth I picked up everyone I had carried before. Not one was left behind. Not one burden .. not one problem ... not one ounce of pressure. No desire .. no want .. no quest ... no conviction ... no righteous war against that which need not be was given away. And I realized that I was no stronger for the realization. I was the same man I was before. I carried the same weight with the same conviction. But what I did have was the knowledge that I was not made up of all these things ... and each one was a choice .. not a need. And that given the chance I would choose them all as I had in the beginning.

No regrets.

Thank you.

Shadow

2007-11-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

As I was talking to Polunu one of the men came to me and told me that Arigh was highly distraught and had requested me to find her at the stream.

Well ... line them up.

I excused myself from Polunu having finished our conversation and strolled on down to the stream to see what female feathers were ruffled in this instance. I had a pretty good idea all ready .. and had my suspicions confirmed with her first few words to me.

She asked me if she had seemed ungrateful for the things I had done for her. I scratched my jaw with the end of my flute and stared at her a moment before answering ... no? She asked me to confirm that .. I told her surely this was not going to be a conversation about whether or not I was liar.

She told me she really did appreciate everything that I had done for her and that no to her knowledge I had never lied to her. That Saresh had said in front of everyone that she was ungrateful and she did not want me to feel that way. My response was .. that if she did not wish me to feel that way then I probably would not. Logical enough.

She said she would probably tell me a thousand more times ... I asked her if that was why she had asked for me to come down here. She asked me then if she could see Yin's pups. I told her no .. not right now ... that I had been engaged in a conversation when I was told I needed to come find her.

She apologized to me. I asked her why ... she said for interrupting me. I told her I did not mind the interruption if it was important ... but I was still unsure what "it" was.

She said she was unaware Saresh felt the way he had and if he did feel that way she wanted to make sure I did not. I said .. well I do not. She asked me if she did something wrong if I would please tell her. Give her a chance to correct it. I told her I was very comfortable and could safely say that ... indeed I would.

She apologized again for interrupting me. I told her I answered for that one all ready. She said ... she was still unsure whether or not it was important. I told her I had no idea .. but I sure hoped it was. She said it was to her. Which was .. the point actually.

She said Saresh had promised her he would never do the very thing he did. And she still didn't understand why he did it. So she wanted to make sure the same mistake did not happen with me.

I reminded her I was not Saresh. I asked her to attempt to remember that. I told her that I would not suffer being treated in his shadow for long. She said I did not deserve that ... I agreed. I told her I hoped this was the last time. She assured me it would be.

Now I am not logically unaware that women sometimes fight shadows long after they are free of them. Little things said or done that haunt them for years after and are seen in the face of every man like a disease ... whether or not that man has even begun to appear with the symptoms. I know that women will live in fear for a long time of what has happened to them in the past .. and so I do suffer to be treated badly for a short time until it is very clear that I am who I am .. and I am not this person in their past. For surely I have enough flaws and sins of my own for them to worry of .. they need not heap someone else's upon my head. But the time for Arigh to come to the understanding that I am not Saresh was that night. I will not suffer such again. I will not live in another man's shadow nor pay for his deeds ... whether or not they were justified. That part of the equation I have no vested interest in. What I do care about and hold sacred is who I am .. and what I do with my own relationships.

I hope she was paying attention.

Bruised Petals

2007-11-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

I had come to the fires to rest but Sakmeta was upset and asked to speak to me privately. I granted it .. since Polunu has taken over her guardianship he has handled nearly everything so I figured this must be important.

It twisted my brain a little to have her tell me that it would be very good if Polunu was no longer her guardian. That to be near him hurt her. I was a bit frustrated with her.

Was it because I was having to deal with all these instances where people had just given up and expected me to put it right? I do not believe so .. though yes there was a thread of that running through my frustration. But I do not believe it was all of it for as I told her ... if Polunu comes to me and no longer wishes to be your guardian it is a thing I must respect. Forcing two people to be responsible to each other is never a good thing. Polunu is not Sakmeta's blood. He took on her guardianship as a favor to her. If she was no longer appreciative of his time and energy ... and if he were thusly inspired to negate that time and energy .. I would certainly not stop either one of them from achieving what they felt they needed.

Of course .. that left Sakmeta with the very real and obvious alternative.

Me.

And I was responsible in letting her know exactly what that meant. No I was not threatening her so she would be motivated to make things right with Polunu ... I was being honest with her and giving her the chance to make things right with Polunu.

If she thought her little pink petals were bruised now ... let her try her tactics with me. I laid it out plain and clear for her with no soft edges. She should know exactly what she was getting into. We will see how well she takes my advice.

I was still on edge when Polunu came to speak to me. I warned him of the direction she was taking. He said he did not come to ask for the guardianship to be dissolved but for some advice ... and of course I gave it to him. Though I do not know if it was that helpful. I like Polunu. I have a lot of respect for his patience with people. Polunu and I are not alike and we do things much differently. For the girl's sake Polunu decided to give it another shot.

I hope Sakmeta realizes how lucky she really is.

Broken Rules

2007-11-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

With all the talk of rules and love it is ironic that Shi came to me to request his mating to Silken be dissolved. And not ironic in a good way. Now Silken had stated that there would be some changes when we reached the Northern Grazing grounds ... I do not know if this is what she meant.

Tuchuk do not mate for a year as they do in the cities. We tend to choose a life partner. But there are times and circumstance where it becomes necessary to break apart two people and allow them to continue on in different directions for the sake of all concerned. Shi and Tarra were another example of this.

The reasons Shi gave me .. and yes I asked for them ... I would not repeat because they are his business .. though in this case I do not believe them simply because I have never heard of such a thing in my entire existence .. but I will respect the fact that this union has come to an impasse.

Another perfect example of the rules gone all wrong. Chaos. There has to be rules to govern the chaos. It takes more than physical attraction and respect for that person to get someone through this. I say once more and I am even more convinced of it than I was before ... there are rules. And breaking the rules leads to disaster. So to avoid the disaster ... learn the rules first. Know them inside and out .. their whys as well as their whats. Decide that this person is the one you wish to keep the rules with and success is not guaranteed but it sure has better odds at that point.

So with renewed vigor I have once more set upon the task of learning the rules. And if I have to I will learn them through other's mistakes as well as their successes.

Respect..It's Not Just Lip Service

2007-11-18T14:22:00.000-08:00

I was walking by Kam's wagons when Chay snagged my attention with a request for a few moments of my time .. if I were not busy. I told her this was an easy request to grant even if I had been busy .. which I was not. She said that was a good thing to know. I am not sure why she did not know this about me ... but I am relieved she now understands it.

She said she wished to apologize to me. I asked her why.

She said because her actions not only dishonored her mate and herself but me as well for it reflected on me as a leader.

I was impressed. I told her I accepted her apology. And that I was thankful that she answered my question of why for it let me know she understood what she was apologizing for. That made it more real to me .. easier to value.

She told me I am often alone .. and asked me why. I thought she meant mate wise and so I asked her if that is what she meant? She said no .. that she hoped I took my time with that one ... I heartily agreed. Then since I had misunderstood her I asked her to focus her question a little more so I could understand it. She said I was not often around family or friends. I told her that I had no family .. and the Tribe was my friends. She asked if I ever wondered what it would have been like to have a family.

That was a very hard question for me to face .. not because I have never thought of it .. but because I think of it all the time. There is always a "what if" haunting me when it comes to my understandings of family and thus even friendship and love.

Because I had at first misunderstood her question to be about Kam's family she said that ... I knew them and that they cared for me deeply. I told her that I knew of Kam's family .. but I did not know them. She asked me what the difference was. I said I did not know Kam's family on a lot of personal levels .. levels like I would know my own family. She asked me if I wanted to. I said .. they are not my family and so there are rules that go along with getting to know them. She did not understand this .. so I gave her some examples.

Mated women .. such as herself and Tarra come with certain rules. Certain expectations for my behavior in regards to them. Falon .. an unmated woman comes with different rules. The men .. with rules and constraints built around time and energy. So getting to know people is a slow process when they are not someone you grow up with .. learning from the inside out.

She said getting to know her was easy .. ask and receive. She said she did not see any problem getting to know her family as if they were indeed blood. I told her I am careful with my time and attention and how I go about things because I am not a mated man and my actions and attentions are often called into question for the most trivial of reasons. I would not overstep on another man's property.

She understood according to the rumors she had heard of the Singer and I ... I hope she meant T'zuri. She also wanted to be clear she did not believe that a mate was property. Now there I disagree though I did not tell her so .. that would have started an argument. One I did not intend to start and so I let it go.

She said she wanted to understand my rules so she did not break them. I told her they were my rules .. not for her. They had to do with my conduct and how I judged myself .. not how I would judge others. She said sometimes she feels like an outsider here ... I told her I did not think of her that way. It is true .. I do not ... and she appreciated that.

Now I then asked her a very personal question. One I will not repeat here ... but I bring it up because in the midst of her answer she said something very interesting to me. She said that she was concerned that T'zuri would hurt me. This shocked me. Why would she care? And .. caring ... why would she then come to that conclusion?

She said she hoped I did not spend so much time with a novelty that I forgot to get to know others around me. I told her .. that T'zuri was not a novelty to me ... but neither have I neglected others in my like and desire to know T'zuri. In fact .. I spent a hell of a lot more time with others than I did her. Circumstance dictated so.

She asked me if I loved T'zuri. I replied that no I did not .. I did not know her well enough yet.

Besides ... I was still angry with T'zuri. But not angry enough yet that I would avoid speaking with her. I was just enough angry that I wanted to speak to her .. and give her a piece of my mind. But that was going to wait until she figured out what had her leather drawers in a twist.

Chay and I spoke a little more about respect .. about how it is given and when. We differ on opinions there but not in a way that I can not understand or accept. Chay went a long way in earning my respect today .. not by agreeing with me or telling me what I wanted to hear ... there was no lip service .. she earned it by being honest with me and not afraid to admit when she was wrong.

Something Somebody Stole

2007-11-17T14:09:00.000-08:00

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what it is I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

-Billy Joel

Love Me ... Tender-er?

2007-11-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

No one gets it. No one realizes what kind of preparations I had to go through to even be able to discuss this subject. Some of their words are like razor blades to me. Each bite taken slices just a little bit more in a new spot. Each extraction merely a breath to rearrange the blade before another clenching of mandible is achieved. The maw slowly filling with ichor scented liquid that multiplies to choke .. and I must wonder ... if there will be a retching to save the drowning man or it is indeed the beginning of an end.

But to what end? Understanding? A connection with what others believe so that I might .. one day ... be able to stand as one? I hold firmly .. staunchly even ... to my beliefs until there is one I can logically understand that may not change my law but fulfill it and make it anew. If this can be achieved then I must say ... it is worth it. But could they not be just a little bit more tender? A little bit kinder with their love?

Perhaps T'zuri actually does understand ... a little. For her words to me later spoke of trying to save me .. protect me. But will she leave me here in this darkness alone? Is that then love? To preserve to the point of losing? Sacrifice for the sake of comfort? This is my choice. And if I gain understanding not for her .. it will be for another. It is my quest and it is my desire and it is my destiny. And I will not lay aside my will for anyone. Not even her. Not even to save her from her discomfort. Not even to save her from my discomfort. This is who I am. This is what I am. She better get used to it now.

Do I wish Falon to not answer me when I ask her what my flaws are? Yes. But I will ask again and again until she does answer me. For I need to understand what she offers me before I can make a logical decision on whether it is something I can accept .. or offer in return.

Do I want T'zuri to refrain from telling me when I am not good company? Yes. But I will ask her anyway until she is honest .. because that is who I am. It is not my desire to hurt her with this quest. If her words to me can not be seen under the bright and clear light of day .. than I can not consider them as valuable to me. If they do not stand the test of argument and scrutiny .. they will not be strong enough to hold against me.

I am no masochist. But there is satisfaction in the learning .. in the knowing ... that supercedes the pain of razor's edge. I really am .. all right. It really is .. my choice.

And the alternative is not acceptable.

Symposium

2007-11-17T13:41:00.000-08:00

As Hesiod says:

First Chaos came, and then broad-bosomed Earth,
The everlasting seat of all that is,
And Love. In other words, after Chaos, the Earth and Love, these two, came into being.

-Plato

T'zuri: Not everything has to have rules.

Fonce: "Yes ... it does - for me anyway"

Falon: "Sometimes Fonce ... it just is and there is no perfect answer for it."

Fonce: "Oh there will be Falon .. or I will not accept it. My choice remember? Love is a choice."

Polunu: "Let me share my philosophy .. I mean, not that I know much about love mind you ... but that's what I call what I do, when I do it .. making sweet, sweet love. But I digress."

Fonce: "Yes Polunu .. share with us."

Falon: "I believe, that love is preserved for that special someone."

Polunu: "Rules just don't go with love .. can't see how they can." Spoke Polunu as he stood by the stream naked and shared with us all his words of wisdom. "Love .. from what I've been told ... is like a river. Feed it too much it swells and overtakes its banks ... feed it too little and it dries up. Feed it just enough and you will find that it flows tried and true. But you can rest assured that it will at some point change course ... you just have to be prepared when it does."

T'zuri: After assuring herself that Polunu was indeed still naked she spoke instead to the plains and that which was beyond. "You cannot overfeed love ... I don't think."

Polunu: "Yes you can. It's called obsession."

T'zuri: "How would you do that? I don't know what that is?"

Polunu: "By forgetting yourself. Obsession is being so caught up in the other party that you forget yourself."

T'zuri: "Obsession doesn't sound so bad. Who doesn't want to be so caught up in someone they forget themselves .. even for but a moment?"

Polunu: "I don't."

T'zuri: "Why not? It's a wonderful feeling."

Polunu: "A wonderful feeling? Well, Singer .. that wonderful feeling has burned down many a wagon in the middle of the night. Forgive me, if I want to keep my distance."

T'zuri: "Did you get out safely or were you charred?"

Polunu: "Trap door. Slipped right out the bottom .. she never even saw me leave. Should of seen her face when they told her I died. Frosty bitch she was."

T'zuri: "You let her think that? Polunu .. you are rotten."

Polunu: "Of course I did."

Blue: "I understand about the rules, I think Master."

Fonce: "Yes blue? What is it that you understand?"

Blue: "That if you love someone, truly love someone you act a certain way. Certain behaviors .. and considerations are there. There are things you don't do if you love someone. And that perhaps there are certain things you need to have, in the first place, to play the game of love."

Fonce: "Do you know anything about love, blue?"

Blue: "I have known various types of love, Master. I have never felt the soul deep kind."

Fonce: "So you are speaking of something you do not know much of then."

Blue: "I may not have experienced it, Master ... but that doesn't mean I don't know it."

Fonce: "So you know love then?"

Blue: "Yes Master, I know love."

Fonce: "So then ... what do you know of it?"

Blue: "I know it is hard, Master .. and messy and painful. I know it is beautiful, and warming, and wonderful. I know it lasts. Or were you looking for my definition of love Master?"

Fonce: "I asked what you knew of it since you said you knew it. I do not know it... you will get no argument from me. I know what I believe of it .. but I will not say that I know it."

Blue: "Yes Master, I have seen it before .. then I guess that is the better answer. I know what I believe of it."

Fonce: "It is why I keep asking people what they believe of it .. I wish to know. And I shall ask everyone who will speak to me about it and then decide which information fits and which does not."

Blue: "I think love is like a color, Master. What I see as blue and what you see as blue may never be the same shade of blue. It comes with seeing the color .. and knowing the color rather than having the color explained to you."

Fonce: "Well .. I am not going to wait to get it all wrong before I figure it out."

T'zuri: "Fonce?"

Fonce: "Yes T'zuri?"

T'zuri "Have you been hunting down the rules and opinions of love this whole time?"

Fonce: "Well ... yes. I am on a quest."

T'zuri: "You seem very serious about it."

Fonce: "Is it not serious?"

Falon: "I think it is very serious. When you find it you cherish it and you hold onto it like there is no tomorrow."

Fonce: "I wish to know it when I find it and not find out it was .. too late."

T'zuri: "That's not what I mean .. I mean .. you .. seem .. very ... serious .... about ... it."

Fonce: "I do not know what you mean T'zuri."

T'zuri: "Well it is supposed to be pleasurable."

Fonce: "I am sure it will be when I figure it out."

T'zuri: "It sounds like you are hunting it and intend to impale it on your lance once found ... wiggling and bleeding."

Fonce: "Well .. yes."

T'zuri: "It worries me."

Fonce: "Why T'zuri? I was not trying to do so. I am not trying to find it. I am trying to understand it so that I know it when I do find it."

T'zuri: "It seems to have consumed you."

Fonce: "No, is not consuming me at all T'zuri .. rest assured."

T'zuri: "Blackwine .. a little laughter .. teasing. Those sorts of things. I miss you being that way a little."

Fonce: "Do you mean I am not good company today, T'zuri?"

T'zuri: "Well, maybe I did say that."

Fonce: "I wish to apologize then T'zuri."

T'zuri: "You have no reason to apologize to me, Fonce."

Fonce: "I think I do .. for not being good company T'zuri. I will attempt not to bother you with it again."

Flawed

2007-11-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

Well it all started with a casual conversation with Falon down by the stream. She told me I was good company so .. being me ... I asked her why?

Falon has been blushing a lot lately. Much more than I ever saw her blush before and this was one of those moments. I think I understand more now after the fact of the conversation.

She told me that she enjoyed my company. Enjoyed having conversations with me because we could talk about anything and neither of us judged the other. That she enjoyed hearing how I thought and felt about things.

I said .. well that was a good reason. And I meant it .. I meant a lot more but I did not say it. I meant that it was a compliment I appreciated. It was something I need to hear once in a while.

She said she liked my company for the simple pleasure that it was me. I am a simple pleasure? I had to chuckle.

We spoke of ties that bind .. a favored subject of mine in many ways ... in this context it was about family and Tribe Family. The ins and outs .. goods and bads. Then she said something interesting to me.

She said that it was hard to be open and vulnerable. To show what is inside. I said I did not find it so myself. I find no difficulty in showing my flaws .. what I am good at ... what I am not so good at. She told me a story of a young woman meeting a wise-beyond-his-years young man. She told me how she had come to go beyond her feelings of friendship for this man .. but I told her ... the reasons you have given me describe friendship. She said no .. there were people she would not share those things with because they would not understand or judge .. she asked me did I not value those things and did I not protect them? And I told her that friendship was someone I could do those things with successfully. Period. She said she disagreed but the beauty of it was that we all had different ideas about friendship.

This was the first time I really understood that what I perceived as friendship could be seen as something much more to someone else. It is something that I would chew on much longer than the conversation lasted.

Falon spoke of her love for me. Something we were going to have to agree to disagree on in definition .. but I wanted to know how she saw and understood love so I could better understand what she offered to me. She said love was a choice .. a choice to be vulnerable to someone ... that emotional responses helped find that person you would choose to do this with. So .. if all this was a choice I wanted to know why she chose me? Logical .. yes?

She said she believed in me. In who I was and who I could become.

Next logical step .. I wanted to know the difference between who I am and who she saw me capable of becoming.

She said when she chose to love someone she would love them for all their strengths and all their flaws .. but everyone has room for improving their flaws.

I .. of course ... wanted to know my flaws.

She told me that I had flaws when it came to pregnant women. She told me I needed to see them in a different way than I did. That I had things all locked away and that I avoided speaking of them even when needled. That I had gotten angry with her when she tried and this was something I needed to improve on.

I am left wondering if love .. according to Falon ... is based on who I am or who she believes I should become. I can not find the bridge of understanding to believe that it can be both.